My uncle died last night.

[MeditativeCycler]

I have only one memory of him from a family Christmas when I was about six.

(TW)

"Hey, medbike, you want to play a game together?"

I love games.

"This is a really good game. You play it in your underwear. First, you have to lie down on this bed..."


I don't think I like this game. Uncle has these enormous bronze colored glasses. The biggest glasses I've ever seen on any person. I get lost in those glasses. Those enormous fucking glasses are my entire world. The entire universe has fallen away and the only thing left are these glasses, floating in space, with strange eyes behind them.



Oh, hey, we're opening presents! Wow, a remote controlled car! Neat!


And now he's dead, and I don't know what to feel. I think his glasses are still up in space, watching over me.

 

[Dust]

Hi Meditativecycler. It sounds like your uncles death is bringing memories of the abuse to the forefront of your mind. It's understandable. Your story in very moving because, for me, it describes the strangeness of going from a traumatic experience to everyday life experience very well. Where does the trauma go if it is never acknowledged or expressed by the six year old. He has to hold that secret all to himself. That's how things went for me too at that age. Which is why your story is very moving for me. I think that whatever feelings you're having now in relation to your uncles passing are valid and understandable.

 

[MeditativeCycler]

The weird thing is, I don't even think of what he did as abuse. What he did was so mild and tame compared to the aggressive violence of my grandfather.

I cried this morning and I don't know why.

 

[manipulated]

Maybe because a piece of you has died too. Be gentle with yourself. Be good to yourself. You ARE worthy of true love not the sick degradation given by family in the past. May your present stay present, grounded and breathing in present.

 

[Dust]

I don't know your whole story, and that's fine if you want to share what you feel comfortable sharing, but to me your reaction to what happened to you, as you described it, seems very similar to others reactions to abuse, including my own. Usually what happens during experiences of trauma is the defense of dissociation and with it can come a fixation on a physical object in the immediate environment of the abuse. The way you describe your uncles glasses is reminiscent of such dissociation and fixation. I'm not trying to make the decision for you. Only you can do that. I'm only giving you my take on what you described. In terms of differences in the degree of trauma that you refer to by comparing what your grandfather did to what your uncle did, I would just like to mention that trauma is still trauma no matter the circumstances in which it came about.

 

[Imjusthere]

MeditativeCycler,

Your not alone in this...I get it, I really do. Just remember to breath and keep reaching out to others who understand. IJH