My triggers: #2 the storm
ForeverFighting
Registrant
this one is very deep for me. and this is the set of beliefs that come--
i dont exist. I am not me and i’m alone out here. the wind makes me feel...i feel everything, my skin, the air, the lights and warm of the sun. nobody is here.i am one. i feel no pain or the smell of his flesh. i am alone. i cn hear the wind and the birds. my mouth is dry from breathing silently because no one hears me. i am ssilent, listening for a sound of him coming. i am invisible. water, rushing pine needles, a fly buzzing the smell of the wide grass--not the skinny grass. it’s green and strong. i won’t come back. i will not come back. i must feel everything so i feel nothing. rain, cold on my skin. my hair is wet, it’s so cold, but i feel, and i will not go back to the house. windows yellow, will not go in the house. they will call. feel only everything, don’t think. cold, goosebumps. wind.. she dries me off and i have to be here now. i hate this. i’m tired. i want to sleep now.
Go to sleep. It’s OK. It’s not happening now.
it feels like this.
This is the me who did not "live" the abuse. The trigger isn’t of the abuse happening. It is a signal that safety is ending, that he must go back into the war. He so wants to run. He doesn’t want to see anyone or feel anything but the body in a safe place where nothing will happen to him. This is one of the strongest triggers for me that I can describe, and the trigger is completely unavoidable. It’s the weather and this time of year.
My therapist said that for one client she had, it was the time on a digital clock--that was all they saw or thought about to block out what was being done to them. For me, it was everything I felt, smelled, and heard. It was like I became a singularity on the wide grass, a wide-angle camera taking in everything single physical sensation except the evil.
So whenever anything happens that makes my internal system feel "less" or criticized or feeling used--anything that leaves me wanting "freedom" and safety, the desire--the nearly uncontrollable drive to disappear again comes. And if the weather is right, I have not figured out how to stop it. I’ve tried writing, poetry, walking, being busy with something else, digging up every detail I can think of or feel about the abuse, but that emotion grows and grows until it totally overtakes me and I can’t even look in a mirror, because that’s no me. This part has purposely *not* remembered the abuse, and why would "he" want to? Another piece of me did that for him.
I know this is "out there"--kind of weird. This is the part of dissociation that makes me feel completely wackadoodle--an ancient latin word for "crazy as a loon". But if anyone has had success on how to avoid getting sucked into a trigger this strong, I would love to hear from you. This trigger eats my lunch. Even if this makes absolutely no sense, thanks for listening while I try to work this one out.
Michael
i dont exist. I am not me and i’m alone out here. the wind makes me feel...i feel everything, my skin, the air, the lights and warm of the sun. nobody is here.i am one. i feel no pain or the smell of his flesh. i am alone. i cn hear the wind and the birds. my mouth is dry from breathing silently because no one hears me. i am ssilent, listening for a sound of him coming. i am invisible. water, rushing pine needles, a fly buzzing the smell of the wide grass--not the skinny grass. it’s green and strong. i won’t come back. i will not come back. i must feel everything so i feel nothing. rain, cold on my skin. my hair is wet, it’s so cold, but i feel, and i will not go back to the house. windows yellow, will not go in the house. they will call. feel only everything, don’t think. cold, goosebumps. wind.. she dries me off and i have to be here now. i hate this. i’m tired. i want to sleep now.
Go to sleep. It’s OK. It’s not happening now.
it feels like this.
This is the me who did not "live" the abuse. The trigger isn’t of the abuse happening. It is a signal that safety is ending, that he must go back into the war. He so wants to run. He doesn’t want to see anyone or feel anything but the body in a safe place where nothing will happen to him. This is one of the strongest triggers for me that I can describe, and the trigger is completely unavoidable. It’s the weather and this time of year.
My therapist said that for one client she had, it was the time on a digital clock--that was all they saw or thought about to block out what was being done to them. For me, it was everything I felt, smelled, and heard. It was like I became a singularity on the wide grass, a wide-angle camera taking in everything single physical sensation except the evil.
So whenever anything happens that makes my internal system feel "less" or criticized or feeling used--anything that leaves me wanting "freedom" and safety, the desire--the nearly uncontrollable drive to disappear again comes. And if the weather is right, I have not figured out how to stop it. I’ve tried writing, poetry, walking, being busy with something else, digging up every detail I can think of or feel about the abuse, but that emotion grows and grows until it totally overtakes me and I can’t even look in a mirror, because that’s no me. This part has purposely *not* remembered the abuse, and why would "he" want to? Another piece of me did that for him.
I know this is "out there"--kind of weird. This is the part of dissociation that makes me feel completely wackadoodle--an ancient latin word for "crazy as a loon". But if anyone has had success on how to avoid getting sucked into a trigger this strong, I would love to hear from you. This trigger eats my lunch. Even if this makes absolutely no sense, thanks for listening while I try to work this one out.
Michael
