My Therapy Journal

thanks, Mani
 

iceman67

Registrant
Not sure where to put this, so I will add it here, since it is a "victory" of sorts...

I had a very interesting time at my church picnic yesterday afternoon.

first major "social event" since my PTSD-Therapy relieved me of my hyper-vigilance.

my friend, who knows my stuff, noticed right away. I did, too.

crowds would normally freak me out, so I would often find something to distract me (find something to do, to help, so I would not feel so overwhelmed)

This time, I was SOCIABLE! Talking to people, enjoying the company of others.

it was like I was "Drunk-me" - when I would drink heavily, the hyper-vigilance turned off.

so weird - like when they talk about the "new post-CSA *Thriver-you*" -- I think he has finally started appearing!!
Sounds awesome, brother. Well done. I know I could never do that.
 
Had another PTSD-T Session yesterday. worked on how i tend to self-sabotage against Healthy behaviors (food, gym, finances, etc.) - it seems my 3 year old "part" equates "healthy" with "NOT SAFE" - so sabotages as a form of self preservation. During T (using "Huna" method) we worked on that dichotomy and was able to convince "3" that i can be Healthy AND Safe at the same time (changing ORs and BUTs into ANDs was a theme of my WoR, as well).

that night "3" decided he could "graduate" and then merge into his power animal "Otter" -- his new role: fun/play; artistic expression thru writing. (2 of my other parts also gradated previously into Eagle and Owl).

It was fascinating as the graduation "happened" I could physically feel the shift take place.

"7" is still a separate part (not yet graduated) - which means he still has unfinished business.
 
I updated my Signature Line today....

a71mwR.png


"Dog" has been added.

Had another PTSD-T Session today. Trying to work on why I still have the BDSM Sexual Fantasies that mirror the abuse. Apparently I have another "part" - name: "Keeper of the Trauma" - He has been harboring all of the truths related to the physical trauma (including sexual trauma) that we endured during the trafficking abuses. "Dog" became the power animal to help him work through and release the pain.

Without that piece (the Trauma Pain), the trauma was basically playing over and over in my mind, as if a piece was missing -- looking for that missing piece to get completion.

Today we were able to allow TraumaKeeper to work through the pain and release it. The process brought up and out a lot of memories of the pain we endured. brought them all to mind. Hard to relive, but they went quickly.

He is still in the same "status" as "7" - not yet graduated.

After the "release," 7, TK and I had a 3-way "group hug" - it was nice. Seems 7 has known about TK's existence, but did not disclose the information until today.
 

DavidM-LT

Moderator
Staff member
Good work! Congrats on the progress.
All of this is just incredibly hard. Kudos to you for the work, and the update! That too isn't easy to do. It's always a point of vulnerability... a lingering wondering if it's gonna matter to anyone. Ya know?
Sooooo here's a hug for you!
 
I updated my Signature Line today....

a71mwR.png


"Dog" has been added.

Had another PTSD-T Session today. Trying to work on why I still have the BDSM Sexual Fantasies that mirror the abuse. Apparently I have another "part" - name: "Keeper of the Trauma" - He has been harboring all of the truths related to the physical trauma (including sexual trauma) that we endured during the trafficking abuses. "Dog" became the power animal to help him work through and release the pain.

Without that piece (the Trauma Pain), the trauma was basically playing over and over in my mind, as if a piece was missing -- looking for that missing piece to get completion.

Today we were able to allow TraumaKeeper to work through the pain and release it. The process brought up and out a lot of memories of the pain we endured. brought them all to mind. Hard to relive, but they went quickly.

He is still in the same "status" as "7" - not yet graduated.

After the "release," 7, TK and I had a 3-way "group hug" - it was nice. Seems 7 has known about TK's existence, but did not disclose the information until today.
I’m sorry...

thanks for sharing, it helps us untangle our stuff too.
 

Dewey2k

Moderator
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It is an inspiration.
 
It seems the toughest sessions render the biggest shifts - Here’s to progress my friend, and good work.
 
I had another T session today - updated my Sig Line again - labelled the parts. Moved "TaKo" next to Seven (they are basically "twins") -- and apparently "Twins" are treated differently than other "parts"

We helped TaKo release the rest of the Trauma he(we) was still holding on to.

n4JsgB.png
 
I had my first Video-T session today (via TeleDoc platform) with my regular PTSD-T. Session went very well. as effective as in-person. (Yes, I should have worn a pad!).

2 main focuses:

1 - cold feet - why that has been bugging me since all this started (and even months before). The fantasies have often started with feet. Every time I think of my own feet or look down at my feet, there is almost a flashback-y sensation that happens. It has intensified since I started working from home.

2 - finding the Stay-At-Home Quarantine very triggering - As I have mentioned in other threads, there seems to be a bubbling up of PTSD-related stuff since I have been working from home.

** trigger warnings**

1 -- turns out this is related to a memory of trafficking abuse, where I was left in a very very cold room, so cold that my feet were becoming numb from the cold (I could imagine they had turned blue). Despite the abuse that happened at that venue, my feet remained numb the entire time.

I have often suffered from cold feet. and would often wear socks around the house and in bed, even when otherwise "in the buff."

We worked through that memory (using Huna techniques) until my feet felt warm.

2 -- This went back to my initial trafficking event (age 5?) where i felt trapped, small, powerless, hopeless. Those same feelings returned with every other trafficking event.

again using Huna techniques, we had to let me work through those feelings and understand the truth that I am not that scared small helpless little boy. And just because I am staying at home, it does not mean that I am trapped.

(I am now at my home office ... barefoot!!)
 
had PTSD-Therapy this morning - Came out with this "affirmation" soon after - Going to print it out and post it wherever I need it.

lzycLr.png
 
Interesting Kal... I have a photo on the top of my refrigerator of a lion standing on a rock at a high elevation gazing out at his domain. Thirty plus years ago I was part of a therapy group and as we neared the end of our year together, the leader gave me a small stuffed lion and shared an image she had of me... circling my place as I was settling into it. It was about eight years later when I was in therapy using EMDR to explore early sexual trauma that I decided I needed to buy this photo of a lion.

In the tarot deck Strength is depicted as the lion. Yes, you are beautiful, strong and worthy!

 
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