My Therapy Journal

Horrific Kal... what we discover about the past when we actually take a look. So sorry you experienced that as an infant... we're not talking about a boy here but rather an infant. You have to wonder about the human race when you look squarely at the cruelty that exists in the world. It is hard to imagine anything more despicable than sexually abusing an infant. Yet, as we've learned on these threads, it happens all the time. How sad.
Thanks, @Visitor - as always, I appreciate your kind words!
Saw my PTSD-T = he just got back from training on next level "Huna" Therapy - he actually used his new techniques on me. Goal was to work on Food Addiction, using Food to self-soothe. We ended up going back to the initial trauma that caused it. again the infant abuse. the pain and shame associated with the Throat-Trauma (forced Oral by my father).

And the Food Addiction was also connected to the Shame I attach to unhealthy eating, which was tied to Shame in general, which was tied to Body Image Shame.

we think it may all be gone!! (food issues and shame!!)

again used a "pad" - but it is still needed.

we were done in an hour, then de-briefed for 20 min after.

also my "cough" (battling it for about 2 months now!!) was mixed in there too - it very much may have been, at least in part, psycho-somatic... (which I kind of assumed)
I've had the conversation with my former wife about "addictions." When I first disclosed my acting out she was insistent that what I needed was to work on my "addiction to porn." I'm well aware as you are Kal, that our behaviors used to mask AND generate shame are grounded in the sexual trauma, and it is healing related to the trauma that will ultimately liberate us from ALL acting out behavior, whether porn, SSA or food which we've both used. I am in awe of the support system you've created for yourself and for the incredibly hard work you're putting into your recovery. You inspire all of us.
porn, SSA or food
yep - dealt with all 3 - Porn-free for 1 year. SSA seems to be less and less of an issue as I deal with the CSA stuff. Food... we shall see ;)


Staff member
That all sounds fantastic!
As the saying goes: old habits die hard. I hesitate to say that here, because there's SOOOO much involved in how and why those habits formed. That important element aside for a moment.... The longer we've been dealing/compensating/(can't find the right word) for stuff with these habits, the harder they are to break.

You're making phenomenal progress!
we will see how it goes - After my session, I took myself to lunch, I was almost tempted to run around the Restaurant Parking lot Buck Naked to see if I have truly resolved the Body Shame Issues!!!! - (Thankfully common sense took over!!)

Fear Is a Liar

{5/8/19 - UPDATE: "Latest CSA Revelations begin at 5/7/19 and continue forward through page 2 & 3 -- before that is my Therarpy Journal and things that I was planning to discuss with my T on my next appointment (late May) ....until this new development was uncovered}

{5/13/19 - UPDATE: "Lastest CSA Revelations" - I have MOVED this portion to an entire new thread in the Members Only Section here: }


Last night (4/9/19): 1st time appointment with new T (1st male)

Someone mentioned journaling after therapy appointments. I **HATE** journaling, but love to post here. So doing this instead. Maybe it will help some of you in your Healing Journey. Hope it helps me too! (I plan on adding new posts to this same thread as I go to more T sessions.)

Tuesday but was my first appointment with my new T. Also first male T (He is also a Christian T, which I prefer). He is also African-American, which is perfect, since he looks nothing like my father (triggers!), and also is not my SSA "type" (if that makes sense). First he introduced himself and his background, trying to develop trust. He said it may take a while for me to feel safe enough to open up. I thought that was hilarious since I already planned on DUMPING, he just didn't know it yet! He mentioned he had a closer professional relationship than I thought with my former T (who I very much liked. She recommended this T to me). Apparently he interned under her. And his current group also accepts my insurance - ♥Bonus♥

I spent most of the rest of the hour reading the different posts on my Signature Line here: Church Testimony, My Intro/Story, Current Struggles, DID post.

Some I hadn't read since I posted the first time. I actually surprised myself a few times by what I had written. He not only listened to my words but watched my face as I read. Good for him. He could tell when some of the words started to "get" to me. To my surprise, I did not scare him off.

We discussed specific goals. I really didn't have any other than to "get better." I mentioned my learning about PTSD/cPTSD and treatments for that. Talked a bit more about my DID stuff. Also expressed my concern that most of the symptoms of PTSD/cPTSD encompass pretty much all of my personality. I shared my concern that if it gets treated, what is left? Who is the *real* me?

Someone here recently mentioned my avatar pic. Looks like I am having fun, with a little mischief. (I was about 4, mid-jump, when the picture was taken, about a year after the abuse with perp-father.) I tell him that his description still somewhat describes me! Perhaps that really *is* the REAL me. (eyes tearing up now)

I end up outside, getting the newspapers. Our dogwood tree is in full bloom. I look and notice 1 large branch that isn't blooming at all. It must be dead. Time to prune that branch - make the tree healthier....

Funny, God! Seriously, I am dealing with this crap, wanting to get rid of it and you present me with an actual branch that needs pruning. Yes, I get it! (Yes, God has a sense of humor - thus the reason he created penguins!)

So I go ahead and get my saw and start pruning the dead tree branch (yes all of this happened just this morning). Yes I get the analogy! Time to trim the dead wood inside so I can "bloom" more strongly.

back to the T appointment... I let him know I really want to pursue treatment from a PTSD perspective. This means looking at the various treatment options available: EMDR, Somatic therapies, Touch Therapy (talk about triggering!). Also looking into faith-based treatment options.

I also want to look at the "black hole" of my memory from 1st grade. Something happened then. No idea what. But I believe it needs to be unlocked to allow me to take the next steps on my Healing Journey.

Funny, as I mention the PTSD and the "black hole" to my T, I could feel small TREMORS on my left arm (it happened twice!)! Was that real?!? Like my body was reacting to just the thought of uncovering more stuff! (eyes tearing up again)

Due to our schedules, we are only able to meet about once per month. I think that will be fine. With MS, my 2 CR meetings weekly, my monthly ASCA meetings, I have enough to keep me busy, grounded, and learning between T sessions.
I was really encouraged by this post. I am really digging these days, asking God to help me heal. My T wanted me to start journaling, and I put it off. It seemed overwhelming, tasky, and just a bit frightening to me what I might uncover. But it's been so therapeutic. For the first time in a long, I'm starting to see a glimmer of joy.


This is why i like Journaling HERE - no handwriting issues, just typos!! ;)
I discovered journaling 54 weeks ago. Everyday i jot down, in Excel, as to what happened and how I felt about it. I think it has helped since it has brought me here, something I thought I'd never do.
I discovered journaling 54 weeks ago. Everyday i jot down, in Excel, as to what happened and how I felt about it. I think it has helped since it has brought me here, something I thought I'd never do.
feel free to post those journals here if you feel up to it. I find it helpful to get feedback from others.


feel free to post those journals here if you feel up to it. I find it helpful to get feedback from others.
Hmmm, I think I will pass for the time being since they are very private and contain stuff i do not want anyone to know.
Hmmm, I think I will pass for the time being since they are very private and contain stuff i do not want anyone to know.
completely understand. for posts that talk about Real People, I "redline" that part (see my UMC Post for examples). I found it very freeing, since I use a Pseudonym, to say almost EVERYTHING here. But I can completely understand if you do not feel ready for that.
Not sure where to put this, so I will add it here, since it is a "victory" of sorts...

I had a very interesting time at my church picnic yesterday afternoon.

first major "social event" since my PTSD-Therapy relieved me of my hyper-vigilance.

my friend, who knows my stuff, noticed right away. I did, too.

crowds would normally freak me out, so I would often find something to distract me (find something to do, to help, so I would not feel so overwhelmed)

This time, I was SOCIABLE! Talking to people, enjoying the company of others.

it was like I was "Drunk-me" - when I would drink heavily, the hyper-vigilance turned off.

so weird - like when they talk about the "new post-CSA *Thriver-you*" -- I think he has finally started appearing!!
Healing is happening! Wonderful Kal. This is a great preparation for the Weekend of Recovery that is around the corner. Dividends from all your hard work my friend. Well done.


Staff member
Well done! Great movement toward a healthier, happier you. And a great job in recognizing what was obvious to your friend.