My Next T is tomorrow evening. in preparation, I am printing out ALL of the stuff I want to share with him (mostly the stuff on this post) and a few other key things posted elsewhere, but mentioned on this post.
So, I started to whittle it down to the stuff I HAD to share (only a 1-hour session) and the stuff I could "skim over briefly" or skip entirely!
The focus, of course will be on the newest CSA stuff and how it was uncovered. Everything else will be skimmed over, then I will simply leave the "13-page document + article" for him that he can read for our next session (and, by then, I will have even more info to share!!!!).
When I got to the line... "My Poor Therapist!" -- he laughed a bit! (it was meant as dark humor - So I must admit I am starting to like this guy!)
He was concerned about support, wondered when I am struggling, what I could reach out for... I instantly thought of the Easter Saturday Story. He liked that concept (holding Jesus' hand) and that it was a tool I could easily use moving forward.
He also noticed that, when relaying the Easter Saturday Story, I was suddenly noticeably vulnerable. While holding the hand, it is like I physically and psychologically feel more protected than normal, so the guards come down. I can feel things while talking about them that I normally can't do otherwise.
I also asked if he thought I needed a Psych Eval (as was suggested by an MS'er) -- he said no. even with all of the trauma I have gone through, I have enough supports in my life (including MS) where I can process everything, that I seem to be extremely high functioning and not showing any evidence of strong Psychoses that would require a Psych Eval. However, He is referring me to a PTSD specialist for evaluation and treatment (and will hopefully take my insurance). AND he mentioned that the PTSD Specialist may disagree with the "lack of need" for a Psych Eval. He would welcome a second opinion on that.
He also gave me homework... He wants me to re-visit the abuses and the other things I mentioned above, in my mind (and via journalling/MS Posts) but I need to have my new "tool" with me (again, holding Jesus' hand = being more vulnerable to "feel") and notate how to see the events through His (Jesus') eyes. I will do so, and will post the results in the "Spirituality and Survivors" Section. (when I get to the newest CSA stuff, I will post my Journalling in the Members-Only "Spirituality and Survivors" Section)
We finalized Goals which in this end is basically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. (plus the PTSD referral)
Next T appointment is in TWO WEEKS!!
My own thoughts of the meeting. I thought it went well. Sharing the New CSA stuff was also difficult. but I was glad I did it. Looking forward to have 2 avenues moving forward for Therapy, adding a PTSD Specialist to the mix.
After the meeting, I took myself out to a quasi-healthy dinner at a restaurant to decompress and to start journalling my thoughts (but I forgot to hit save at the end of the night so all got lost and I had to recreate it, which is why it took so long to post this ). While I was journalling, I got an eamil with the newest update on UMC. I will share this update in the other thread, but that email made me VERY happy and I have been in a pretty decent mood the rest of the week (regardless of the new CSA stuff).
For T (should I now call him T-1??) meeting #3... So far, just work on my homework!!
We will probably discuss the other 13 pages I left with him, specifically the UMC things.
Also, I should mention my plans to attend WoR in October.
just had an interaction with a customer where I work. Something about his face was horribly triggering. He must remind me of a former abuser (again see "Newest CSA reveal"
very square jawed, rectangular face. Almost like something out of Dick Tracy. I don't think this person (who is about my age) had anything to do with any CSA towards me, but looks LIKE someone who did. I could sense a lot of fear. very weird.
PTSD-T - Day 1 - (Therapy with a PTSD/Trauma Specialist - Male)
Had my first appointment today. T is a Male, white, 30s. *not* in my "type" category. Best way to describe him would be a "Trauma Geek" -- meaning he is not only well versed in EMDR and other trauma therapies, he versed in MANY treatments and even presents on these varied treatments to other counselors at seminars when asked. So he has a VERY LARGE Toolbox full of Trauma therapy options he can try. He agrees that EMDR can be very re-traumatizing but has found success using other less traumatic therapies. (But also still uses EMDR when appropriate.)
I was able to share all my stuff. He found that yes, I would be a strong candidate for PTSD Therapy and noticed several "Dissociative Behaviors" while telling the story which also led him to the diagnosis.
Had my THIRD major PTSD Therapy session today. The first 2 sessions ended up focusing on what happened during the "Latest CSA Revelations" so I posted discussion of those sessions on that thread.
Today we focused on "3-year-old me" - He (3-year-old-me) wanted to know the truth about when (at what age) the abuse started. so, using CRM ("Comprehensive Resource Model") and a bit of Huna Therapy (which is based on traditional Hawai'ian Healing practices) we did just that.
We went back bit by bit until we got to the Originating Memory - my father took me out of my crib. I was not able to hold my head up, I was that little. I felt safety in is arms momentarily as he lifted me up from the crib, until he placed me on the floor and "did his thing". T and I were able to process the memory, receive healing there and put it away.
So, before the age of 1, only a few months old, he did his thing.
I wonder if he convinced my mother not to breastfeed (she breastfed my sisters, but my mother told me as adult that I was not breastfed - but never really gave a reason) - this allowed him to get her drunk so she would not interfere. My sister (just a year older than me) was probably just newly weaned, but shared a bedroom with our older sister, making less of a target, since he would have to silence both girls.