My temper and I confronting crack heads Possible triggers for anger Long

My temper and I confronting crack heads Possible triggers for anger Long
D

dwf

Registrant
I did something pretty stupid yesterday.
In retrospect, I can see that I reacted before thinking clearly, and I could have gotten seriously hurt or maybe killed.

After a couple of years of living one house away from a very active and disgusting crack house, we have finally had a few months of peace since the police shut it down. They arrested the guy running it and his chief pimp, then boarded it up.

Wow, what a relief. Once the house was shut down, I realized what a horribly negative presence it created on my block. Crackheads, prostitutes and all kind of really creepy people coming and going at all hours.

Really disgusting stuff going on, including I'm sure a lot of sexually abusive activities. I struggled with my fear of the dangerous looking people and my instinct to self protection. I called the police when things got out of hand, like when I heard gunfire for example.

Part of what truly distressed me, was how much I felt like a helpless victim of all of this crap. The police seemed unable to do anything for months on end. I just had to suck it up and live with the terrible things that went on there.

I had a pretty serious confrontation with one of the worst of the prostitutes a few weeks before the whole thing got shut down. It left me pretty shaken, but I felt good that I had stood firm with myself and my neighbors in asserting our right to a crime/filth free block.

So, yesterday when I saw some crack head looking guy prying the plywood off the front door and going in past the "No Trespassing" signs, I got up from where I was working in my front garden and went to the former crack house and confronted him.

I wasn't too nice about it either. I realize now that I had a supply of rage stored up over these last years living with the daily affront to my welfare and to human dignity.

Seeing this creep going back in that house, triggered an overload of fear, disgust, anger and I guess rage. I wanted to tell him, whoever he was, that I wasn't going to sit back and allow the situation to deteriorate to where it had been before.

In sorting through the feelings later on, I understand that I was also experiencing some amount of shame - shame, in part, because some sick part of me wants to think that I somehow 'allowed' the crime, the drugs and the unbelievable degradation to continue. As if it were in my control to stop it.

Hell, the police couldn't even stop it, and they have guns!

Speaking of the police, when they came out again this time, in response to my call about someone entering into the presumably 'closed down' crack house, they told me emphatically that I had made a serious mistake by going down and confronting this guy.

It turns out that he is another member of this entire family of drug addicts and criminals and he has the right to be in the house. The police explained that he knew exactly who had called the police, which I already knew since I had looked him right in the eye. The cops also said that in the future I should just stay home and let them handle it .

Once again, I felt some fear. What if this guy and his friends comes down to get even with me? Maybe shoot into my house or set it on fire? These are the irrational thoughts that immediately filled my head.

I had a friend helping me in the garden that day. It was so good to have someone be a witness to what had happened and he gave me lots of support, even though we knew I hadn't handled the situation "exactly right" according to the police and common sense.

I also called my neighbor, Ann, an elderly woman, 72 years old, who has lived with this problem far longer than I have.

It was when she told me that the guy I had confronted was 'Leroy', one of the family's sons who had twice broken into her house and had raped her mother (she's now 92) - it was then that I began to understand the rage that I felt that motivated me to go and face this criminal.

She also gave me her support and told me that she was glad I had called the police. It's incredible how much suffering this small house has foisted upon so many people. It is like an oozing sore of evil that has stunk and putrefied for years and years.

Acknowledging that I had acted out of rage, allowed me to understand and forgive myself. It also allowed me to feel the real anger and fear underneath it. I was glad that I had let that guy know that he was being watched.

I told the cops afterwards that I was no longer willing to put up with that kind of crap in my neighborhood. I had been content to sit back and let things take their course.

I was hoping that the house would be sold and pass out of the control of this family of scum.

Now I am resolved to do everything I can to make sure that happens. I see now how sitting back and waiting for someone else to come and take care of this made me feel once again like a victim.

And now I see too how much I hate that feeling of being at the mercy of evil.

I guess what I learned or relearned is this:

That storing up rage causes me to act irrationally and against my own best interest.

A good bout of anger is great to get me motivated, but it's best if I don't hang on to it so that it curdles into venomous rage.

Also that there is strength in sharing with others who understand.

And finally that I do not have to be anyones victim today, and if I allow myself those feelings, I'm going to get very, very unhappy with myself.

The guy I confronted cussed me out and I cussed him some too. Now he knows that he is being watched and that some of the people on this block are not going to let the same old crap start up again.

I'm going to go downtown and talk to the police about some possible 'abatement' procedures to help pressure them to sell this house.

My neighbors are with me on this, as is my family and my friends.

I have stopped taking my usual late night walks with my dog, until this blows over and I also am paying more attention to my surroundings while I am outside.

Finally, I have decided that I have the right to a crime free, fear free and crack free environment where I live. And I have the responsibility to do something about it, even if at first it is not exactly the right thing.

This is just a personal expression of my experience and does not represent in any way any official mod or BofD position.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Regards,
 
Good for you, Danny. While sitting back and saying nothing may help keep one safe, it does nothing to stop what should not be happening.

If one wants to get stoned to oblivion in the privacy of their own home, that is one thing. When it begins to affect others, someone has to take a stand.

And you did. More power to you.

Going to the police with this and having a frank talk about what they can and will do should clear the air and let you know how much support you can expect. Nobody has to live in fear.

Ken
 
Something else that has occurred to me over the weekend is that when facing dangerous situations like the one that has continued to exist in my neighborhood, i.e. the crackhouse with it's criminals, prostitution, sexual abuse, violence, thievery and so forth.....

When facing dangerous or threatening situations it is too easy to see the choice as being afraid or not being afraid.

I see now that as a false dichotomy.

I experience fear either way. It is natural and normal to be afraid of danger. It is an instinct that has been given me for my own protection.

The important difference I can make is how do I respond to MYSELF first when facing danger and experiencing fear.

I can set myself up for blaming and self doubt by pretending like "It's my fault that I feel afraid." or "If I hadn't caused a commotion then everything would be OK." But that is not the reality of the situation.

It is an old pattern of mine to want to feel responsible for the existence of the danger. Much like blaming myself for being sexually abused.

By responding to myself without shame, without guilt and without jedgement, I can make a difference in how I choose to respond to the fear that I have.

Do I hold onto it, keeping it to myself, allowing it's shadows to grow longer and darker in my mind? When I am ashamed of myself for being afraid, I short circuit the natural purpose of fear, which is for my protection, and turn it into something that degrades and demeans me with shame.

Eventually it may turn into rage which also leads to me shame because I act irrationally, blindly with disregard for my own well being. Rage can turn me into a threat to myself and others. I think that acute shame experienced over a long period is the trigger for rage.

Today I am really blessed because I have the resources available if I choose to use them so that I do not have to live alone any more with my fear, my doubt and my shame.

I can respond to myself with love and compassion and also I have people in my life who will love me and show me compassion should I find myself unable to do so for myself. Today, most of the time, eventually, I ask for help and support and face the fear as best I can, remembering to treat myself as lovingly as I can.

It seems to me that the second way of facing the fear and walking through it, is an empowering response to the threat of danger. It leaves me feeling like I am capable of withstanding the menace to my serenity, that I am not alone, that I am not powerless, that I am not a victim.

And feeling empowered and not like a victim makes all the difference in the world in how I feel about the world I live in.

And I do have the choice of how I respond to myself when I am afraid, which then gives me the choice of how I respond to threats of danger from the outside.

A friend of mine often remarks, "It's an inside job." I think this is part of what he means.

Thanks,

PS Survived the weekend with only minor middle of the night anxiety and no incidents like I had feared.

Regards,
 
Danny, I totally get why you responded the way you did. I am probably less brave and would put up a for sale sign on my front yard! Peace, Andrew
 
I'm proud of you, Danny. If more people would get involved in their neighborhoods, we would have a lot fewer of these "crack houses" around. However, my initial reaction would be as Andrew's...I'd be calling a realtor. I admire you!
 
Danny,

I wonder if your reaction to the crack house is one of rejecting, specifically, the powerlessness we all felt as boys, that feeling that everything that was happening was somehow due to our "badness"and so could never be stopped. I think many survivors, myself included, respond to that memory very strongly and develop a kind of "never again" mentality that can withstand even factors of common sense and reason.

Another one to go on the list!

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks gentlemen for your input and support.

As I have continued to follow the path that my anger at the crack house is blazing for me, I am becoming more aware of what is happening inside of me.

Here are a few things that struck me today.

I am using the anger triggered by the events of
the weekend as the energy I need to place phone calls to the police, talk to representatives, neighbors and friends and generally pursue constructive and non-dangerous ways to help bring some peace to our neighborhood.

What a nice difference to be using the anger as a fuel for positive movement rather than as a tool of destruction! I'm using my anger rather than having it use me.

The second thing is this. As the energy of the anger is expended I am much more cognizant of the other feelings, more vulnerable and less confrontational, that lie hidden beneath the rage.

By other feelings, I mean the sadness that I feel at seeing the horrible waste of humanity that is a part of drug addiction and its attendant violence.

I feel distressed at the stories of long-suffering by my neighbors, some of whom I have become very close to and who I love very much.

In particular, my neighbors, mainly the elderly African-American women who have been victimized by the people in the crackhouse over the years touch my heart.

I find that it is important to me to stand with me; not necessarily to fight against anything, but simply to let them know that they are not alone, that a neighbor across the street is ready to listen, to help and to be a witness.

I feel a real sense of disappointment in the way our society treats its citizens of color. Racism is a horribly despicable social disease
and its effects hurt those most vulnerable, the women and children especially.

There was a little boy whose father frequented the crack house all last year. The little guy was about 6 or 7. He told me to call him 'Brucie' and I learned later that his real name was 'Kyoundeh' (sp). He would come down and ask me if he could watch me work in the garden. He sometimes would take home a tulip or two that I would offer him from the garden.

One time he came back to show me how he had placed the flower in an empty Coke bottle half filled with water. He told me he had flunked the first grade and that he a partial hearing loss which made it difficult to pay attention.

I think about Brucie getting up in the morning in the wreckage of the drug addiction he had to live in and getting ready to go to first grade again. I marvel at the resilience of the human spirit contained within his small frame.

I wonder where Brucie is now. I hope he remembers the tulips. I remember him.

This is a part of the emotional landscape that lies beneath the anger and fear. By responding adequately to my feelings I am able to access them all, to experience the full gamut of human emotion.

What a gift it is to have a place and people like this and you all who will listen and gently respond to my harshest cries. And will also feel with me the sorrow and the joy of being a part of humanity.

The effects of sexual abuse and more recently the effects of being exposed to drug addiction, sexual violence and social despair, can make me retreat, isolate, insulate, anesthetize and try to forget what my senses perceive.

I am grateful today that I am able to access the power to resist those instinctual urges and to be present in my own life as it unfolds.

As you can tell, I am in a more thoughtful place today. This is where my anger, used to its purpose has taken me.

Thanks for listening,

Regards,

Danny
 
Sometimes when I read what I post here, I think that I come off as someone who has overcome his fear and anger.

That is the goal towards which I strive, and I occasionally have some success. That is the wonderful thing about my recovery from the effects of sexual abuse - it does work, it has been possible for me to make progress in recovering from the sexual abuse.

Does that mean that I'm all healed up or cured?

No, not at all.

It does mean that I have a set of tools that I can use when those horrible after effects of the abuse start to dominate my heart, my mind and my life again.

I don't want to come off as some kind of saint, because I'm not....far from it.

The following is an expression of fantasy which I recognize as such. It is not an incitement to illegal acts or revenge. I have no plan or intention to commit anything to fulfil this in reality.

Over the last few days, I have had a recurring scenario play itself out in my head, where the crack house down the street gets burned down. In some cases, it is I who commits the act of arson; in others I find a way to secretly hire someone to do it.

Now, I have absolutely no intention of doing this act. But it is good for me to recognize that on the committee in my head there is at least one voice that cries out for a speedy destruction of what represents the evil in my life today.

It's good for me to get it out, so that it's not a secret that I harbor such thoughts. These thoughts do not represent the person I am and would like to become, but the thought of that house being destroyed by fire does represent an aspect of my psyche that is terribly frightened.

Similarly, last night I experienced a great deal of pretty irrational fear. There were some cars in the neighborhood playing that incredibly loud rap music. You know, the kind that rattles windows blocks away?

Well, home alone and pretty cold and tired, I imagined that they were the crackheads sending me a message that they were out to get me. Pretty paranoid, huh?

Instead of dismissing this obviously irrational fear, I took some time to comfort myself; take a long hot shower (stopping to listen for the music at times) and called a friend who understands.

I confided to him how much fear I was experiencing. He said he understood. And somehow that made the fear lessen; plus the music stopped. (I imagined the cops had been called again.)

Finally while returning a pan to my elderly neighbor (she had shared some delicious 'chili beans' with me), we had a chance to reflect on the situation in the 'hood.

She reassured me that I did not need to fear the guy I had confronted. "Don't worry about him, Danny," she said. "He's nothing but a cowardly rapist. He preys on women who are old and feeble like my mother. He wouldn't dare try to harm a grown man who might be able to resist."

You know, that's so true. Rapists are cowards. The men who sexually abused me were cowards; they preyed on me because I was weak or ignorant or immature.

Well, I'm not weak anymore because I have a lot of people backing me up. I'm not ignorant because I have learned a lot about what happened to me by sharing and listening to others. And I am no longer naive and immature.

But I can still get scared like I did last night. And that's OK too. I don't have to pretend like I'm strong and brave when I don't feel that way inside.

What's even better is I don't have to give up my ideals of the type of man I would like to be because I was sexually abused.

That committee in my head has a bunch of different members on it - a drunk, a scared child, a paranoid, an anger freak, a loving compassionate man, a person who seeks to help others, a guy who speaks French and plants tulips, and many more. Thank God, the drunk isn't in charge anymore! He was pretty unpredictable.

Thanks guys for having enough room for all of us,

Regards,


Danny
 
Danny
who said something about "for evil to prosper, all it takes is good men to do nothing" or something like that?
Whatever, if you did nothing they would turn it back into the crack house it was and you would feel far worse because you'd feel guilty about doing nothing.

But from now on do it right, do it legal, and take care. Let your anger work FOR you and not against you.

It's good to see you back as well.

Dave
 
DWF (I would say 'Danny', but I don't really know you, and don't wish to seem presumptuous), :-)

Reading your first Post in this thread was just like I was reading mine-own past experience(s). When I moved Linda out here, 14 years ago, the only place I could find to rent was smack-dab in the middle of one of the worst gang/drug/prostitution/et al areas of Sacto., CA. I'm not proud OR happy that I moved my new 'Family' there. It was all I could find at the time, and that is the Path I/we took.
As Renters (original plan was to buy the home), we were stepping-in on other people's property values/concerns. A VERY sad fact was proven to me by the time we 'escaped'. Namely that, nobody ELSE who lived there really gave a damn about the crimes/danger that had taken-over the neighborhood.
I could not leave the immediate area of our 'home' w/o greatly endangering myself. I never walked out of my 'home' unarmed (I am former military, trained to use firearms, and carried a sidearm). The Drug Dealers (I give them Capital Letters because what they are/do IS serious!), knew "I" wasn't going to be a push-over, and steered a wide berth around me. (I learned I was labeled the 'Crazy White M/F'er')...
I stopped break-ins/drug sales (those who deal/sell drugs HATE it when you vidoe-tape them!), and prostitution ('John's HATE it when you take a picture of them while they're trying to make a 'deal'), in/on the houses within site of mine, on our block.
I went on what is called 'Dial-a-Ride' programs with my local police dept. I rode along with officers who patrolled my area, and was given very wise advice when they learned just 'Who' I was (I had developed a reputation with the depts. '911' Center). Their advice? "Get the hell out, now!" They knew I/they could NOT prevent a serious crime from being committed against me/my Loved ones. All they could do, in reality, is pick-up the scattered pieces of destroyed lives, should worse-come-to-worse.
I had absolutely NO luck in starting a 'Neighborhood Watch' program. Ya see, all the people living/owning the houses in that neighborhood were PART of the problem, and of course, didn't want to jeapordize their illegal income(s)/livelihoods.
Within six months, 'we' were the only house left with tenants, on the block.

I realized, belatedly, that I had now painted a big fat 'BULLSEYE' on my house/Family.

The night we loaded the final bits of material on the truck, heading-out to a new, and, God-Bless, SANE place, there were two shootings on either side of us (either corner of our block)...
I'll never forget the sound of the sirens as we drove away. In Truth, I felt 'Let 'em kill themselves!'...

Now, in your case (sorry I'm so long-winded!)...
If you OWN your home/property that you live on, and the other concerned people of your neighborhood OWN their own places too ('Owning' is NOT a requisite, I've just descovered that Owners seem to care more than Renters), you CAN, and with determination, WILL make a difference, and improve your situation.
1)Start a Neighborhood Watch. Video cameras are EXCELLENT deterents against criminal/criminal behavior!
2)CALL the Police when you witness ANY crime/transgression. People who break the law don't like it when the cops show up, and will move on to another, 'easier' neighborhood.
3)I won't say to arm yourself/ves. Apparently, such advice is frowned-upon in this Forum/Board, and I don't wish to piss-off the Mods..
4)Never, EVER, let-down your guard/vigilance... Again, criminals like the 'Easy' road, and will not remain in an area where people are looking directly at them/calling the cops/paying attention. Unfortunately, most criminals are ALSO stupid, and will continue to try your patience/perseverence continually...

Standing-up to the person who was 'breaking-into' that house (even if he IS a member of the drug/illegal-action Family!), was a dangerous thing to do. Again, most criminals, and ESPECIALLY druggies, are stupid. Dealing/confronting stupid people is always dangerous.
But you have this coming to you-

*Shaking your Hand*

You had a witness/Friend nearby. You expressed your feelings (AGAINST his activity/future behavior), quite well. It is something he will not soon forget.

As 'Survivors,' we were hurt when we were younger. When we were less able to defend ourselves. When we were less able to understand just what the HELL was happening to us...

I applaud and support your efforts to defend yourself, your Family/Neighborhood/Way-of-Life.

Just be careful out there!

Whicker
 
DWF - one thing that I know is real... Brucie will remember the 'Kind Man and the Tulips' all his life.

I still remember bluebells from when I was 5...I'm 48 now!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I am certain that you are correct, Rik. Like you, I am sure that the smallest kindness makes a profound difference.

Thank you for your kindness in responding.

Also much gratitude to all who read, respond and otherwise share.

Regards,
 
This is something every survivor can relate to.

It is so easy to respond to every situation as a victim. But it also means that you are relinquishing your power, in the first place. That is why, these days I have to watch out myself as the victim in me tries to take over and tries to make over for the lost time.
The reactions of victim are filled with rage, mostly coming from anger at himself, for not saving himself earlier, for not being brave enough or wise enough to say no. But since he feels weak, he believes anger is the only way he will be heard, he tries to mimic power thru aggressiveness, which is a globally prevalent way of mimicking power.

I no longer want to remain a victim or act out as a victim, and am gradually learning to respond as an empowered being. An empowered being responds instead of reacting, he chooses his responses because he knows he can. Victim just acts in haste because for him its a life or death situation. Victim acts as if he doesnt respond with a power statement he would hate himself more, hence he is doubly push to express his power, and aggressiveness is a weak persons way to mimic power. A victim always feels its all against him while an empowered person also tries to understand where the other person is coming from. He isnt quick to label other person as the abuser or the perpetrator. So his responses always yield better results and far less destructive.

This reminds of an episode in the life of Mahatma Gandhi, at age 24, when he was practicing law in South Africa. One night he was travelling by train to Johannesburg, when a white family came in, so he was thrown out because he was sitting in a first class cabin.
There stranded at an unknown station in cold of the night, he asked himself, Should I go back to India, or should I go forward, with God as my helper and face whatever was in store for me? He decided to stay and suffer. And as he later said My active non-violence began from that day."

Soon he used his profession to start the first anti Apartheid movement in South Africa, rooted in non-violence as he was always guided by his belief that An eye for an eye would make us all blind.

So when Mahatma Gandhi came back to India the first he did was to throw the British out!
 
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