Hi Bluesky,
Trust issues are a big deal for me, too. Ultimately, what I figured out is that I have to trust myself. So, all the time I spend on worrying about trusting someone else is actually about whether or not I am able to trust myself in regards to someone else. And, the answer for so many years, or decades really, was that I couldn't trust myself. My thinking was so damaged and distorted as a consequence of my abusive experiences. And, once I understood that it was myself I couldn't trust, it was actually very empowering. Once the power was within myself to change and grow it was something within my control. I never can change anyone else. However, within the context of a supportive environment with a competent professional, changing is faster and easier. Changing has never been truly comfortable for me, though. I developed all of my emergency strategies in response to serious trauma, and my emergency strategies were not able to promote a healthy, happy, sustainable life for me. In fact, all my emergency strategies did for me was hold me in a continuous abusive life-style. However, changing my strategies developed in response to abuse involve walking through all the feelings trapped as a result of the abuse.
So, I hope you will give yourself a LOT of credit for being willing to walk through these scary and painful places in yourself. And, give yourself a LOT of credit for defining healthy limits and boundaries for yourself. This painful and scary period you are going through seems to me to be the early lessons you are teaching yourself of how to set limits for yourself. My experience is the limits I set are always with myself. They are set with others many times in the physical world, but the original limit has to be set within myself with myself.
Sending you love and support,
Don
