my stupid sex life. [if your homophobic you might want to avoid this post]

[Peterrr]

soo.. this is kind of a weird thing to post to a bunch of strangers but i really have been wondering about this.
i have a boyfriend and i love him very much but.. whenever sexual things come up i kind of avoid doing things.
instead i get drunk and do stuff with other guys.
so basically i cheat on him.
i want to do stuff with him but i cant seem to let myself or whatever. if i think about it to myself the first thing that pops into my head is "i dont want to hurt him" but i dont know what that means. i dont know what i mean by that i really dont im so confused..
i just wonder if because of what happened i feel like sex is something you SHOULDNT do with someone you love, rather with someone that doesn't mean anything to you. or well thats just how its going with me. i feel like sex or stuff like that will ruin my relationship with him. it will make things less "pure" or idk i just feel like a skank.. i dont want to be cheap with him. idk how else to put it but i hadda say this to someone because its in my head and yeah..
idk..

 

[Josh1]

Dear Peter,

Have you opened up to your partner about these blocks and difficulties? How do you feel about talking about your history, your present actions, and the sexual discomforts you feel in the relationship?

Part of my reaction to my SA was to reduce others to nothing more than a list of sexual attributes. I did not talk about my SA, my sexuality and sexual performance issues, my social anxiety, my fear of abandonment, my weakness. I pretended I was a "player," a real man, not a little boy who had been really badly hurt and just wanted to open up and be loved for my honesty.

The consistent solution I return to for my difficulties in finding and maintaining romantic intimacy is honesty, though I recognize that there can be risks to honesty. Nonetheless, dishonesty, silence, and secrecy are paths that endlessly spiral into feelings of disconnectedness with reality, romantic partners, and myself.

Again, I am not sure what you have shared and with what kind of openness and directness. But if you like this person, perhaps could even imagine loving this boyfriend, I recommend taking the leap and letting him in. This can be a really slow process. A little at a time. But if you can allow yourself to talk about what is going on in your head, maybe you and he can work together to help you through some of this stuff.

My reading of your post is that you want a greater connection with this person but that desire is being thwarted by certain sexual blocks. Forget the sex for now, and go for the communication, the tough conversations. If the communications foundations are in place, the sex follows. Trust me. I hope he does not take advantage or react badly, but unfortunately these truths come out one way or another.

Please ignore if I've gone off on a tangent or missed some details or misread, etc. It's just that I have found with my current partner of 2.5 years that talking things through, being honest is what has kept us together. I have such a huge mountain of issues, but working together honestly we deal with them as they arise.

That's it for now. I really, really wish you the best with this. Good for you for asking the questions and taking a look at everything. Remember that all things happen in their proper time.

Your brother.

Josh

 

[andrew51]

Peterrr,
my first reaction is to remind you that multiple sex partners and booze are not a good combination for safe sex. Please be very, very careful. Peace, Andrew

 

[sophiesdad]

Peterr:

In addition to what the others have said, I would suggest that you find a T to help you sort thru these things. Many times those of us who went thru SA as children have a hard time integrating sex and love. We tend to put each of them in a tidy little compartment and one doesn't have anything to do with the other.

Also, when we are in a relationship, we fear intimacy which is what seems to be what is happening to you. I also caution you that alcohol and sex are a very bad combination leaving you vulnerable to life-threatening diseases.

If you have a difficult time finding a T in your area, try asking one of the BOD or moderators... they may be able to help point you in the right direction.

Finally, you have come to the right place to express how you are feeling - many of us go through the same things and it is comforting to know that you aren't alone in your feelings.

SD

 

[george of kent]

I tend to think that your first step maybe should be to try open discussion of these issues with an objective professional T or counselor.
Once you can become a little more comfortable discussing these personal matters with a disinterested third party, then you might be able to begin to broach the subject(s) with the sig other.
Good luck, brother. Remember, you are not the first man who has had to walk this hard path.

 

[roadrunner]

Peter,

It's a brave thing you are doing here today. A few weeks ago you would not have been able to talk about this at all my friend.

I know you are uncomfortable about talking to a therapist, but at the end of the day this is what you need - to talk to a professional person who can help you sort out important personal and emotional problems that have arisen because of what was done to you.

Basically what you are doing is seeing sex not as the healthy, normal, and fulfilling experience that it is, but as something scary and dangerous. Part of that is your age - all teenaged boys will feel nervous about sex. But a lot of it is the abuse. You were introduced to sex as something that was done TO you, not as something SHARED with another person. You may not want sex with your boyfriend because of these negative feelings you have about sex. That's why you keep thinking that you don't want to hurt him.

With other guys, on the other hand, it doesn't matter and you cope by drinking. As Andrew say, watch out! This can cost you your life, right?

Keep talking bro. Try not to feel weird about these things. They are all problems that guys here can identify with and understand, and you are accepted here whether you are gay or straight or oriented anywhere else or in between.

Much love,
Larry