my stupid dysfunctional life

my stupid dysfunctional life
P

puppy

Registrant
i dont think i can even describe how im feeling. im just so frustrated and pissed off and scared and tired i just want to give up. i felt like i was starting to emerge from all the depression and stuff and now its coming back and i cant fight it. why does this happen? how do i make it go away? i dont understand how i could be feeling so much better for so long and now im just becoming the old me again and i feel the same way i did when i first started dealing with everything. talking about it seems to make it worse but i dont know what else to do.

i was up for most of the night last night just trying to make sense of it. my nightmares are starting to drive me nuts again. and then my alarm went off this morning and i just didnt care. i slept all day, missed work, ignored the phone ringing. i want to isolate myself in my room and never leave until this feeling goes away.

i dont understand why. i started to feel 'normal' for awhile. i could cope with this. why is it all coming back? :(
 
pUpPy,

For me it goes in cycles. I can feel on top of the world for a long time, and then something small will start the downward slide, and then things will seem to go to hell in an instant.

I have to figure out what it is I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way. Once I can identify it and deal with it, I start climbing out again.

I don't know if this helps or not, but there you are.
 
Dewey2k, what you said is true for me too. It definitely comes in cycles for me. I feel good for a while and then it comes back. I think it is a normal part of the process. Each cycle we get rid of a little more. It certainly have my moments as you describe Puppy and I do the exact same thing that you have done. Nothing wrong with it. You are just taking care of your self in the moment.

I remember one day I left work for the day and I was so freaking angry. I woke up the next more even more angry. I called my boss and told him I was not coming in today because if I did I would explode and they would have to fire me. He just said ok. After I hung up the phone I took a hammer to a chair and beat the shit out of it. I cried, screamed and then took a nap. The process of doing something like that helped me to begin to release some of that anger. It definitely did help. But there are times I still get down, angry, sad, confused etc. But they are getting less in intensity and frequency.

Just part of the process bro.

Take care. You are loved man and not alone.
 
Deppression is not easy to deal with sometimes, we dont know what the real cause is.

Sometimes I can feel so good, then my family make me feel bad, so I spiral down again.

I think it is important to understand the triggers of depressive states, and for me, it is people.

I sometimes just want to be alone, to go where I want to go, and to escape.

I am lucky enough to do it, and it does work some.

It can be hard to recognize yourself in depression, like you are alien to the world out there, or that is how I can see it sometimes.

I get waves of euphoria, then deep sadness, but I try and get on top of it, but I guess winter never helps, because it is depressing in the cold and dark.

Always try and think to yourself, that you will get through it, you always did, so it will get easier along the way,

ste
 
Progress is three steps forward and two steps back. The perfectionist in me made it difficult to realize this. Stepping back, while frustrating, is a good reminder that we need to be easy on ourselves.

progress, not perfection
 
it's a roller coaster man .
 
I think I know how you feel, you so desperatly want to get past this and not think about the abuse and how it impacted you. But the only way to get past this is to think about the abuse and how it impacted you. It's like a turd that won't flush. It seems that the key for me is removing the lies and replacing them with truth. Like " I am the righteuosness of God in Christ Jesus" 2 corinthians 5:21.That's a hard one for me to get my hands around. But I didn't start this ball spinning so who am I to question? God wants to love me, so ok, I'll take on his character that He provides as a gift.We are created for so much more than we allow. Shoot, we can't even love ourselves...... what's up with that? D.
 
Puppy,

I would agree with so much of what the other guys have said, and maybe it would help you if I shared a recent experience of mine with you.

I felt like I was making a LOT of progress, and I was feeling really good about myself and how things were going in general. Then I took a big hit I wasn't expecting. Images I had in my head of messing around sexually with another boy I had always taken to be childhood fears that abuse would make me gay - that was a huge fear for boys back in the 60s. But then, during the holiday season, I received a Christmas email from an old friend telling me that he is so grateful that I don't blame him for "the things we had to do". To cut the tale short, those images were genuine memories of what the man abusing us made us do with each other for his sadistic enjoyment.

Among the many reactions I had to that was the feeling that I had instantly slid back at least six months - I had lost in a moment all the progress I had made. But my T helped me see that this isn't the case at all. Yes, this setback is a major one, but I haven't lost the progress I made. We went over it all, like a checklist, and I could see that was true.

I think this is true for you as well bro. I remember how you were when you arrived here. There is no comparison between where you were then and where you are now! I'm not just trying to cheer you up - there's just no question at all on this one.

If you can talk about what has happened recently maybe that would help. But don't allow current setbacks to make you think you are back to Square One. It just isn't true!

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi pUpPy,

I can't really add any wisdom to that which has already been shared. They've pretty much covered it I think. I went through something similar recently and I too came to realize that I wasn't really back at the start even though it sure felt like it.

Please know that my thought are with you.

Lots of love,

John
 
pUpPy,

I have to agree with the others, recovery is not about feelings even though feelings are a big part of it. We all cycle; Adam said it. "it's a roller coaster man." But it isn't necessarily based on any thing that is diffirent in our lives other than the chemistry in our brains. That is why medication is sometimes helpful.

If there is something new in your life, or your memory brought back something new for you to deal with or some other such event, than what you feel may very well be based on that event. However, if you can think of nothing that would cause the feeling, there is a good chance that what you are feeling is based on chemical balance of the brain. Medications may be helpful, exercise is helpful. Check with your T if you have one. They know you and would be better equipped to give advice than I. What I am saying is not meant to be medical advice at all. It is just my thoughts.

Hang in there my friend and don't ever give up

Darrel

PS I like your screen name
 
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