My struggling life
This may triggering. I do apologize if this triggers anyone.
This may take some time, but I’m going to try to write my story. This is a hard process for me. Because of what it reminds me of.
I need to start from the very beginning when I was just a child entering the school system. Because that had a profound effect on my self-esteem.
As a child, I had a speech impediment the school system really had no idea what to do. it may be because I am from a smaller city in South Dakota. I’m not sure. The school system mistakenly classified me as a special needs child, Due to the struggle, I had in speech. The potential effects of misclassifying a young child as special-needs, can have some very damaging and lasting effects.
Because I was mistakenly classified, As special needs child. Teachers, school officials all had lower expectations. I was placed in programs that hindered my learning and academic progress. My social isolation from My peers. Dramatically impacted my self-esteem and sense of belonging.
I never thought that I could learn much of anything because I was always told and I always thought that I was different from everyone else. My nickname in the neighborhood became Chucky the retard, that’s the name I heard every day from my friends in the neighborhood. I tried desperately in trying to prove to myself that I was not a retard. My involvement in the special Olympics throughout the years prove to me differently. I figured now everyone knows that all I am is a retard. I literally gave up trying to learn anything. I never thought I could. So why even try.
I became extremely shy, quiet and insecure. I hardly ever open my mouth. I figured I was safer if i would just shut up and never say a word. I never had a lot of friends I didn’t want a lot of friends. Because of all the name-calling, I just wanted to be left alone. But there was a Friend in the neighborhood that lived a block away. I really liked him. He never seemed to call me names too often. He was older than me, but I didn’t care. We played ball. We just had fun together. One day as we were playing in my backyard sitting on the ground just talking.
He was wondering if I would like to have a fort I could play in anytime I wanted. I might’ve been seven maybe eight years of age. Every Young boy wanted a fort back then. He told me he had a fort in his garage attic. He wanted to show it to me. He was only a block away, so we just walked over there. When I got upstairs, I figured this is really stupid, because all it was was a mattress laying on the floor. I just stood there because it was so dumb. He asked me to sit down I didn’t want to, but I did. All I remember, he started to touch me in ways that was extremely uncomfortable. I did get up and I was going to walk out and go home. It was then he really got angry. Grab me lifted me up and threw me on the mattress. he proceeded to drop his pants laid on top of me and forced me to give him oral. During that time, he also started to take my clothes off, before I knew it we were both naked and he was giving me oral. He kept on telling me how cute of a little penis I had. When it was all over, I was trying to get out of there, and he grabbed me by the collar and with an extremely angry and threatening voice. He told me if I tell anyone he will kill my parents. Then he said, besides it’s all your fault. If you weren’t such a gay retarded boy this shit would never have happened. Then he said get out you’re disgusting. At the time, I didn’t know what gay meant, but all I heard that day was retard there it was again that’s all I am. I ran home got sick in the bushes. I took my clothes off as soon as I got home and threw out the bathroom window never to be worn again. I took a shower because I felt absolutely disgustingly dirty. I scrubbed my body so hard that my skin was sore to touch and bright red. All I was doing, was trying to scrub the filth away.
Couple months after that episode. I wanted to go for a bike ride, but the tires on my bike were flat. There’s a gas station right across the street so my dad told me to walk across the street put air in the tires. As I was putting air in the tires, I heard a voice here Chucky let me help you with that. I looked up and there was my abuser. I had no idea he worked there. He was really nice. He proceeded to help me to put air in the tires. Afterwards, he told me let’s go inside. I’ll give you a piece of candy. I don’t know why I just wanted that piece of candy, but I followed him in the store. As we walked into the store, he shut the door and I heard that click the sound of locking the door. Then he took the sign that said, opened, turned it around and said closed, proceeded to shut the lights off. He grabbed me by the hand and took me in the back. He laid me on the ground, and proceeded to do some very disgusting dirty things with me. That innocent walk across the street to the gas station. Change my life forever and became a focal point in my life. That corner gas station is where most of the abuse took place. I have no idea how many times he would find me and lead me to the gas station. I had nightmares of that gas station, especially in the back room for that is where it all happened. Next to the oil, antifreeze gas containers. what horrified me the most, I don’t know if I should say this or not. It was there in the back room of the gas station. He would rape me, and he would grab whatever he could for lube, which most of the time he would just grab an oil container and use that for lube. I will be honest after puberty, and I was having sexual urges myself. I was finding him tracking him down, walking over that gas station as often as I could once a week if not twice a week. There were other places that my abuser would take me. I do remember a horrifying experience. It was a hot summer day. I was 15 years of age. we didn’t have air-conditioning so my mom would leave the door open at night for air to circulate. One night we were all sound asleep, my room was right next to my parents room, and my sister’s room was down the end of the hallway. I was startled where I felt someone pulling my covers off. When I open my eyes, I couldn’t believe it. My abuser was standing beside my bed with his pants down to his ankles. I could smell liquor on his breath. I was quite afraid for an intruder broke into our house. He put one hand over my mouth and the other arm he pressed tightly against my chest. He proceeded to get on top of me and rape me in my own room. And I just laid there I didn’t kick I didn’t scream. I just froze and let him do what he wanted to do.
The abuse lasted for many years, but like I said, it was not always him coming to me. There were many times I would hunt him down. Sometime when I was in high school I’m not sure what grade. He approached me as I was walking home from school. I don’t really know why, but I actually pushed him away and said no. That was the last time saw my abuser. It was like he left just vanished. But then the damage was done. I was a sex addict did anything I could to satisfy my urges.
This may take some time, but I’m going to try to write my story. This is a hard process for me. Because of what it reminds me of.
I need to start from the very beginning when I was just a child entering the school system. Because that had a profound effect on my self-esteem.
As a child, I had a speech impediment the school system really had no idea what to do. it may be because I am from a smaller city in South Dakota. I’m not sure. The school system mistakenly classified me as a special needs child, Due to the struggle, I had in speech. The potential effects of misclassifying a young child as special-needs, can have some very damaging and lasting effects.
Because I was mistakenly classified, As special needs child. Teachers, school officials all had lower expectations. I was placed in programs that hindered my learning and academic progress. My social isolation from My peers. Dramatically impacted my self-esteem and sense of belonging.
I never thought that I could learn much of anything because I was always told and I always thought that I was different from everyone else. My nickname in the neighborhood became Chucky the retard, that’s the name I heard every day from my friends in the neighborhood. I tried desperately in trying to prove to myself that I was not a retard. My involvement in the special Olympics throughout the years prove to me differently. I figured now everyone knows that all I am is a retard. I literally gave up trying to learn anything. I never thought I could. So why even try.
I became extremely shy, quiet and insecure. I hardly ever open my mouth. I figured I was safer if i would just shut up and never say a word. I never had a lot of friends I didn’t want a lot of friends. Because of all the name-calling, I just wanted to be left alone. But there was a Friend in the neighborhood that lived a block away. I really liked him. He never seemed to call me names too often. He was older than me, but I didn’t care. We played ball. We just had fun together. One day as we were playing in my backyard sitting on the ground just talking.
He was wondering if I would like to have a fort I could play in anytime I wanted. I might’ve been seven maybe eight years of age. Every Young boy wanted a fort back then. He told me he had a fort in his garage attic. He wanted to show it to me. He was only a block away, so we just walked over there. When I got upstairs, I figured this is really stupid, because all it was was a mattress laying on the floor. I just stood there because it was so dumb. He asked me to sit down I didn’t want to, but I did. All I remember, he started to touch me in ways that was extremely uncomfortable. I did get up and I was going to walk out and go home. It was then he really got angry. Grab me lifted me up and threw me on the mattress. he proceeded to drop his pants laid on top of me and forced me to give him oral. During that time, he also started to take my clothes off, before I knew it we were both naked and he was giving me oral. He kept on telling me how cute of a little penis I had. When it was all over, I was trying to get out of there, and he grabbed me by the collar and with an extremely angry and threatening voice. He told me if I tell anyone he will kill my parents. Then he said, besides it’s all your fault. If you weren’t such a gay retarded boy this shit would never have happened. Then he said get out you’re disgusting. At the time, I didn’t know what gay meant, but all I heard that day was retard there it was again that’s all I am. I ran home got sick in the bushes. I took my clothes off as soon as I got home and threw out the bathroom window never to be worn again. I took a shower because I felt absolutely disgustingly dirty. I scrubbed my body so hard that my skin was sore to touch and bright red. All I was doing, was trying to scrub the filth away.
Couple months after that episode. I wanted to go for a bike ride, but the tires on my bike were flat. There’s a gas station right across the street so my dad told me to walk across the street put air in the tires. As I was putting air in the tires, I heard a voice here Chucky let me help you with that. I looked up and there was my abuser. I had no idea he worked there. He was really nice. He proceeded to help me to put air in the tires. Afterwards, he told me let’s go inside. I’ll give you a piece of candy. I don’t know why I just wanted that piece of candy, but I followed him in the store. As we walked into the store, he shut the door and I heard that click the sound of locking the door. Then he took the sign that said, opened, turned it around and said closed, proceeded to shut the lights off. He grabbed me by the hand and took me in the back. He laid me on the ground, and proceeded to do some very disgusting dirty things with me. That innocent walk across the street to the gas station. Change my life forever and became a focal point in my life. That corner gas station is where most of the abuse took place. I have no idea how many times he would find me and lead me to the gas station. I had nightmares of that gas station, especially in the back room for that is where it all happened. Next to the oil, antifreeze gas containers. what horrified me the most, I don’t know if I should say this or not. It was there in the back room of the gas station. He would rape me, and he would grab whatever he could for lube, which most of the time he would just grab an oil container and use that for lube. I will be honest after puberty, and I was having sexual urges myself. I was finding him tracking him down, walking over that gas station as often as I could once a week if not twice a week. There were other places that my abuser would take me. I do remember a horrifying experience. It was a hot summer day. I was 15 years of age. we didn’t have air-conditioning so my mom would leave the door open at night for air to circulate. One night we were all sound asleep, my room was right next to my parents room, and my sister’s room was down the end of the hallway. I was startled where I felt someone pulling my covers off. When I open my eyes, I couldn’t believe it. My abuser was standing beside my bed with his pants down to his ankles. I could smell liquor on his breath. I was quite afraid for an intruder broke into our house. He put one hand over my mouth and the other arm he pressed tightly against my chest. He proceeded to get on top of me and rape me in my own room. And I just laid there I didn’t kick I didn’t scream. I just froze and let him do what he wanted to do.
The abuse lasted for many years, but like I said, it was not always him coming to me. There were many times I would hunt him down. Sometime when I was in high school I’m not sure what grade. He approached me as I was walking home from school. I don’t really know why, but I actually pushed him away and said no. That was the last time saw my abuser. It was like he left just vanished. But then the damage was done. I was a sex addict did anything I could to satisfy my urges.