my struggles with porn/sexuality(triggers)

BrokenDown

Registrant
Hi, this isn't a post about sexual identity issues so i didnt post in that discussion board and i dont know where else to post this so i figured it would be fine here.

In the past ive had a hard time with addictions in general but the one that still bothers me is porn. Why porn? maybe because sex is a need and not just a want? or is it?

When i met my wife i was doing my best to try and avoid porn and basically is just grossed me out. i was at rock bottom, depressed beyond belief and i had just given up. but my avoidance of porn carried on through our relationship with a few mishaps(me looking at porn) here and there.

my wife doesnt like the idea of porn and likes less the idea of me looking at it. i respect my wife and i try my hardest to keep it out of my mind and remind myself that I was the one who wanted to stop looking at porn and that im not just doing it to make her happy.

I know that people who are sexually abused can either become hyper sexual or non sexual. both me and my wife have been sexually abused as children by a family member/s.

I became really hyper sexual after i was abuse and she was the opposite. She never abused anyone after she was abused... i did.

So im trying to figure out what is going on with me sexually. what is right and wrong when it comes to sex. i know some of you will give me the easy answer and say it depends on the person but honestly, i have a problem with boundries... big time.

After my abuse i did some really fucked up things sexually, incest, beastiality, things with my then underage family members, and in highschool and college i got into child porn on the internet a lot.

Guys i know ur probably disgusted and mad at me and thats fine, because i am disgusted and mad at myself for those things. but they were mistakes and they are in my past and i am healing now and dealing with a ton of remorse and guilt from the things i did.

i never had anyone to help me after i was abused it was all just covered up so idk i cant really blame myself too much for being completly lost.

anyway, i want to know what is right and wrong sexually. is porn normal? i mean its noble of me to respect my wife and try and make her happy by not looking at porn. i know it makes her jealous and makes her feel like she isnt good enough. which she is, shes more than good enough, shes too good for me haha.

like i said i have a problem with boundries so sometimes ill like pressure her, asking her if she wants to look at porn with me. it really bothers her but i just cant stop asking. and deep down inside i want to feel that naughtyness again. i want to feel the thrill of doing something bad and maybe a little bit wrong.

so is that it? am i attracted to the thrill of the forbidden? or am i just retarded and incapable of real physical love and im doomed to struggle with this forever?

i know ill probably have to deal with this forever but somewhere inside i secretly hope i can get my wife to come to the dark side and at least watch porn with me but i know thats not too much of a possibility.

either way this whole situation has been bugging me and making me feel angry at myself for wanting to look at porn every now and then. and making me made at myself for hurting or upsetting my wife. and it makes me depressed because i just wish i could be normal sexually.

So, if anyone has any advice to offer, ill gladly take it. trust me guys, im trying to do whats right in my life. im trying to be perfect and make amends for the shittly life i used to live. so i really want to get this figured out.

i try to talk to my wife about this stuff but it just makes her upset, it makes her feel like shes the sexual retard and that she should be looking at porn. and i dont want to make her feel that way. i spent so much time in my life convincing and manipulating girls to do things they didnt want to do, i dont want to betray my wife like that, but on the other hand i dont want to be the only one making sacrafices in our relationship to make the other one happy.

i dont know. but yea sorry this is so long, thanks for reading it and for the advice. take care
 

nltsaved

Registrant
i truly admire your honesty man this is great . this is the first step in the process. you have to be honest no matter how brutal the TRUTH is this Truth will help start setting you free of these things. you have to shed light in these dark places in your life no mater how dark.

if there is one thing i have learned on this forum is that you are not alone in the things you have felt,done,and the things you are experiencing. this is a fact do not beat yourself up over these things. all the ugly that happened in your life have caused these things to be rewired in your brain. now it is time to untangle them and it sounds like you are on your way .

no matter how long it takes to untangle them you must put in the time the effort and be willing to go to these deep and dark places in your life . admitting to watching child porn is not only a Huge step in the truth that you are seeking it is got to be freeing . these are the issues that sexual abuse cause. it is not your fault you have done these things but it will be your fault if you continue to do such acts knowing that this is behavior that is not only wrong but it can get you thrown in jail.

society will not look at you for who you are witch is a victim of sexual abuse. society will not look at you and understand that this all stems from the abuse and that there are not many places if any that will help you deal with these issues or some were they will not look at you like a pedophile. i do not believe you are i believe you have suffered a great trauma and you have never been able to decode all he damage done.

it is surfacing and it is time to deal with it . posting here is the beginning of your healing . you have to deal with these things or they will keep you trapped and bound . i do not no where you stand with your faith or if you have any at all. for me this is to big of a job to pull off by yourself . lust is a powerful spirit and it can take you place you never thought you would or could go. you should no this . and i no this because i have a spirit of lust that tries to show its face . i have struggled with porn for yrs and i have went months even yrs without looking at it and than out of no were it will haunt me and i have to fight it off and some times i win some times i loose i am gaining more power over it the more i do the right thing .

doing the right thing takes practice when you have done it wrong for so long . so focus on doing good and doing the right thing . i no it sounds easier said than done but when you start doing the right thing it starts to get easier . you have to retrain your flesh to do what you want it to do . it takes practice and the more you practice the more normal the right thing becomes.

you have been doing the wrong thing for so long that it will take some time to start doing the right thing. you are not alone my friend every one has there strong holds most will stay were they are because they refuse to deal with them in the open . this is where you can gain control over your life by being honest . even aa has it right admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery . so you have that part out of the way now it is time to start doing the right thing .

i have had some of the same thoughts in my life and i choose not to indulge them at all . you do have the power and the control to think about what you are thinking about . think about that for a moment . think about what you are thinking about . you do not have to entertain these thought. you do not have to sit and have fantasies about this stuff . you can start thinking about other things . you can control your thoughts do not let them control you.

it all boils down to you owning your thoughts not letting them own you anymore. think about what you are thinking about . spirits are real believe me . the spirit of lust is so strong it will make me forget about praying , Jesus ,God ,Scripture all of that it seizes control of you and sometimes i have not been able to fight it off . pay attention your body changes your heart beats fast you will convince yourself of all the reasons why you can indulge in these activities you will give excuses as to why you can do these things. and as soon as you are done the spirit leaves and there is reality and your spirit bears witness that this was wrong and you are left to pick up the pieces. it sucks .

i have been winning more battles with lust over the years i have won more and more battles . i will win the war but this is a force that is beyond you and me .

my own thoughts on spirits

think about what your body does when a spirit is present for example if you have ever stolen something . this is my own opinion but here goes .

why do you no it is wrong to steal? before you steal something your spirit warns you this is not right stop it do not do it .

other spirit comes up
you body gets nervous your heart rate goes up the war is on , spirits conflict do it no do not do it there is a war going on in the members of your body.

to me when you begin working out of the wrong spirit you body reacts when that spirit is present hence the adrenaline rush and the nervousness.

you are trying to win a spiritual battle in the carnal and to me this will not work you are fighting with the wrong weapons .


sorry did not mean to get all spiritual with it but this is the only way i no how to beat this .

your wife sounds like she is working with you . but i would stop asking her to do these things . it is wrong porn is wrong and for those that say it is not wrong that is your opinion but it is obviously not working for you so try something different . it is a comfort zone you are in . get out of your comfort zone . change is scary and change is not easy but it is possible . change your thinking pattern and begin to realize that porn is not healing it is hurting and if it is hurting stop trying to justify keeping it in your life . it has not work and it will never work because look at your life you said yourself you are mad at yourself well stop being mad at yourself and get mad and use that energy to fight for this thing called change and hope and honesty and purity all of those things when the light shines the darkness evaporates your alternative is where you are now which does not seem like a happy place .

hope this helps feel free to pm me any time you are not alone and do not be convinced otherwise you are brave and it is time to deal with these issues point blank !!
 
Is porn normal? It is isolating, time consuming, undermines healthy intimacy, distances me from my wife and kids, and I spent years struggling against a ting out sexually.

I finally jumped into a twelve step group for sex addicts-sexually compulsives-whatever-that was eight years ago and it changed my life.

I was unable to manage this alone-the groups HaVE helped me immeasureably-they are a safe place I can share the truth about me and offer accountability and shared experience.

I have friends from these groups who are now serving time or did for the kinds of t
Behaviora you stalked about-THAT is serious.

More later but I'm on the elliptical at the gym and my typos keep coming.

You are nOT alone in this problem-join up with men who are working a solution.
 

Sobernow

Registrant
porn was an addiction to me -- i finally had to get help thru a 12-step group - and it really made a difference in my life, marriage, spirituality.

it takes other people to help you, hold you accountable, talk to, and connect with in a group.

sober here for almost 13 months.

i am willing to help you in any way possible.
 
BrokenDown:

I think the porn is a way for you to dull the pain of the past abuse and possibly a way of trying to make sense out of it all. Asking your wife to join you in watching is in my mind, just asking for her permission. A better path would be getting to the root of the pain that causes you to look to or crave porn for relief.

I was/am a porn binger. In times of particular stress or certain triggers, I find myself extremely vulnerable to it. As I grow in understanding, I am learning the cycles and what causes the buildup to binging.

At some point, the 12 step groups can help a lot.

Pete
 

BrokenDown

Registrant
Thanks to everyone for all the advice and support.

Im not too sure about a 12 step program because i dont think i can face anyone with my problems like that and be able to hide the root of the problem, my abuse.

I dont lie often and im not very good at it, anymore. i used to lie and manipulate all the time.

being careful with what i think about has helped. knowing that i am in control of what i think and can for themost part stop myself from thinking bad stuff.

i do also kind of think that in a way i am asking my wifes permission. like im looking for someone to say its ok, go for it. that would make it a lot easier, but i guess bc were abused EVERYTHING has to be a struggle.

honestly its really annoying and infurriating how much shit i have to deal with, because of my sister abusing me and fucking me all up.

again, thanks for all the help and advice.
 

Sobernow

Registrant
Im not too sure about a 12 step program because i dont think i can face anyone with my problems like that and be able to hide the root of the problem, my abuse.


The good thing about 12 steps - is you only do 1 step at a time -- you work thru it -------- you tell what you can ----- a good program will have a sponsor who will not judge you but listen to you and help you. I was afraid also of telling my stuff - but I told what I could (for the first time ever in my life) -- as time has gone on - I have told my sponsor more things ---- but only as I can find the courage to do it.

I still recommend a 12-step program -- the sobriety I have gained has enabled me to seek therapy for my csa. Without sobriety - I really don't think I could have ever faced it.

You deserve to recover and live a better life --- we all do!
 
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