My struggle (TW: Childhood SA)

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New Registrant
Hello everyone,

My name is Axel and I am 28 years old and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

This is only the third time I've said it "out loud" to anyone.

I'm currently working with a therapist to work through this thing that I've had hanging over my head my entire life. I feel like I've had my whole life on pause or like I've been a spectator just rolling with the punches. I'm extremely eager to dig myself out of this hole.

My abuser was an older cousin I idolized as a kid. I thought he was so cool, I always wanted to be around him and we frequently had sleepovers whenever I was allowed. The abuse went on for four years before my family moved to another state. and I was finally able to get away. It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that I realized that what happened to me WAS abuse. All my life I've had trouble with intimacy and been terrified of getting close to anyone. I've been unable to make something of myself. Worst of all I've had to wrestle with the guilt that while I was being abused I was a willing participant. It's only recently I'm accepting that I did not have the capacity to consent. I was a kid, but I never got to feel like one. My entire life has felt like a haze, like a performance I was putting on each and every day.

I'm at the point where I don't know who I am. I don't know who I'll be at the end of this healing journey I've recently started. I don't know what to expect, and I am very scared, but also hopeful because hope is all I have left.
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