My story

Snarrig01

New Registrant
Hello.
I'm a 51 year old male trying to come to terms with what happened me. In 1993 I was finishing University and very laid back and happy go lucky. I would say my friends form that time would say I was inoffensive and easy to get a long with but very naïve and trusting
A "friend" I had known for 10 years drugged me one night in May 1993. It was just me and him in bar, I was drinking a beer with him at around 7.30pm ( I remember t was bright outside as he was sitting with his back to the window)
2 years before that he was bragging about catching herpes off a prostitute and we laughed as early 20s kids do and none of use believed him (we were a group of about 6 school /university friends) and he licked my ear to prove it in front of the others. A few weeks later- herpes all over my ear.
Anyway, back to that night -I remember a little rock like substance slowly falling down the beer and little bubbles coming out of it.
Next thing I remember is coming around in the front garden of a house, it was dark and he was behind me. I remember being dazed and confused but I goy home and I stupidly put it down to too much alcohol. I don't remember at al these missing hours but safe to say he didn't drug me to just hold my hand
Over the next two year there were a few more incidents. I moved away to do a post grad to another country and he lived there too. He came to visit and in a crowded pub he brazenly grabbed my penis as I stood up to buy us drinks. The next day (he stayed on my sofa in a shared house) I was making breakfast for him and all my housemates were in the kitchen. He stuck his finger in the back of my jeans, right where the seem is on your ass . We had a few more interactions over the next year or so- all involved me getting black out drunk with him- once in his house with nobody else around
Here is where I am now: I was 130 lbs when he did whatever he did- within 3 years I was 200- Now I am 240. How can someone so slim become so overweight in 3 years and only get worse in the following 20 odd years?
I never blacked out as a result of alcohol before that night- literally every time I went drinking for years after that I'd black out- I often thought about why I blacked out in the following years and stupidly thought maybe what he put in my drink impacted the chemicals in my brain.
Worst thing is I can be short tempered and that is not me- I don't want my kids (teenagers) remembering me as bad tempered.
On Friday past, I went for counselling for the first time to the local Rape Crisis Centre- felt good to get it out but I feel I have a long road ahead. She agreed that he more than likely assaulted me- but I can't get the thought out of my head of what he might have done.
I'm angry at myself for being so stupid, for being weak and for not realising he was a predator earlier- I realised recently that he could do whatever he wanted to me and he knew it.
Why did he pick me?
Why did I let him?
Why did I keep up my friendship with him?
Why am I letting him have an impact on my life nearly 30 years later?
The thought occurred to me yesterday - when I was in his house, did he do something to me - did he take photos?
Long road ahead indeed. I have this urge to contact old acquaintances from the time to ask what I was like as a person then as I really cant remember- as far as I am concerned there is the pre attack me and the post attack me- I prefer the pre attack me!
Thanks for reading.
 
Last edited:

Healing light

Registrant
Hello.
I'm a 51 year old male trying to come to terms with what happened me. In 1993 I was finishing University and very laid back and happy go lucky. I would say my friends form that time would say I was inoffensive and easy to get a long with but very naïve and trusting
A "friend" I had known for 10 years drugged me one night in May 1993. It was just me and him in bar, I was drinking a beer with him at around 7.30pm ( I remember t was bright outside as he was sitting with his back to the window)
2 years before that he was bragging about catching herpes off a prostitute and we laughed as early 20s kids do and none of use believed him (we were a group of about 6 school /university friends) and he licked my ear to prove it in front of the others. A few weeks later- herpes all over my ear.
Anyway, back to that night -I remember a little rock like substance slowly falling down the beer and little bubbles coming out of it.
Next thing I remember is coming around in the front garden of a house, it was dark and he was behind me. I remember being dazed and confused but I goy home and I stupidly put it down to too much alcohol. I don't remember at al these missing hours but safe to say he didn't drug me to just hold my hand
Over the next two year there were a few more incidents. I moved away to do a post grad to another country and he lived there too. He came to visit and in a crowded pub he brazenly grabbed my penis as I stood up to buy us drinks. The next day (he stayed on my sofa in a shared house) I was making breakfast for him and all my housemates were in the kitchen. He stuck his finger in the back of my jeans, right where the seem is on your ass . We had a few more interactions over the next year or so- all involved me getting black out drunk with him- once in his house with nobody else around
Here is where I am now: I was 130 lbs when he did whatever he did- within 3 years I was 200- Now I am 240. How can someone so slim become so overweight in 3 years and only get worse in the following 20 odd years?
I never blacked out as a result of alcohol before that night- literally every time I went drinking for years after that I'd black out- I often thought about why I blacked out in the following years and stupidly thought maybe what he put in my drink impacted the chemicals in my brain.
Worst thing is I can be short tempered and that is not me- I don't want my kids (teenagers) remembering me as bad tempered.
On Friday past, I went for counselling for the first time to the local Rape Crisis Centre- felt good to get it out but I feel I have a long road ahead. She agreed that he more than likely assaulted me- but I can't get the thought out of my head of what he might have done.
I'm angry at myself for being so stupid, for being weak and for not realising he was a predator earlier- I realised recently that he could do whatever he wanted to me and he knew it.
Why did he pick me?
Why did I let him?
Why did I keep up my friendship with him?
Why am I letting him have an impact on my life nearly 30 years later?
The thought occurred to me yesterday - when I was in his house, did he do something to me - did he take photos?
Long road ahead indeed. I have this urge to contact an old girlfriend I dated for a little while but who was also a close friend who I haven't spoken to in 28 years just to ask her what I was like as a person then as I really cant remember- as far as I am concerned there is the pre attack me and the post attack me- I prefer the pre attack me!
Thanks for reading.
Welcome to Ms

I'm sorry you had to face things that brought you here

Your not alot of the things you might think that you are

Your post is a brave step on your healing journey

I have spent years battling with the ASA that I experienced , I should of left emigrated a thousand other things that I didn't do that I thought I should have

When really the perpetrators should just not perpetrate

Still that leaves us with all these feelings and thoughts and getting to know ourselves

I understand weight gain it's a battle of mine in recent years I know this may seem counter productive but for me it's working so I have been trying new foods a mixture of healthy and some unhealthy In the process I'm finding more healthy food I like to eat now I have more healthy options that I really like so I have more choice it beats being miserable eating carrot sticks which I was in an attempt to just not put any more on
If you like spicy food chicken and spinach palak is my new favourite healthy meal

Building my self esteem and confidence is an ongoing part of my healing journey growing to like me working on things I'm not happy with like my temper sometimes , my overwhelming emotions other times

Joining this group had such a positive impact on my healing journey as has the therapy I have had

It's difficult when you're not entirely sure what occurred I have experienced that no idea whether I was just extremely drunk ( because I was a binge drinker ) or drugged ( because he was capable of that ) but on an occasion I can remember waking up at home in my bed feeling battered and bruised no idea how I got there some fleeting memories but they were confusing didn't make alot of sense for alot of years then accepting I won't know or remember everything and the other person in the equation is no longer here it's something I have struggled to work through not knowing Vs the abuse I have clarity of

Another assault as an older teen where I don't know who attacked me is perhaps the one I struggle most with and talk least about again it's the unknown I have the issue with

What I can say is though with every step of healing that we make were taking control and shaping our future. I believe we can heal

Wishing you peace in your healing journey
HL
 

Snarrig01

New Registrant
Welcome to Ms

I'm sorry you had to face things that brought you here

Your not alot of the things you might think that you are

Your post is a brave step on your healing journey

I have spent years battling with the ASA that I experienced , I should of left emigrated a thousand other things that I didn't do that I thought I should have

When really the perpetrators should just not perpetrate

Still that leaves us with all these feelings and thoughts and getting to know ourselves

I understand weight gain it's a battle of mine in recent years I know this may seem counter productive but for me it's working so I have been trying new foods a mixture of healthy and some unhealthy In the process I'm finding more healthy food I like to eat now I have more healthy options that I really like so I have more choice it beats being miserable eating carrot sticks which I was in an attempt to just not put any more on
If you like spicy food chicken and spinach palak is my new favourite healthy meal

Building my self esteem and confidence is an ongoing part of my healing journey growing to like me working on things I'm not happy with like my temper sometimes , my overwhelming emotions other times

Joining this group had such a positive impact on my healing journey as has the therapy I have had

It's difficult when you're not entirely sure what occurred I have experienced that no idea whether I was just extremely drunk ( because I was a binge drinker ) or drugged ( because he was capable of that ) but on an occasion I can remember waking up at home in my bed feeling battered and bruised no idea how I got there some fleeting memories but they were confusing didn't make alot of sense for alot of years then accepting I won't know or remember everything and the other person in the equation is no longer here it's something I have struggled to work through not knowing Vs the abuse I have clarity of

Another assault as an older teen where I don't know who attacked me is perhaps the one I struggle most with and talk least about again it's the unknown I have the issue with

What I can say is though with every step of healing that we make were taking control and shaping our future. I believe we can heal

Wishing you peace in your healing journey
HL
Thank you
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Welcome you are in the right place. Here is where recovery starts
Read our stories and post when you are ready. We ate all here for each other.
 
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