my story
hello to all,
I've been coming to this board for weeks now and feel a bit guilty, as I havn't really written much, so finally I'm going to tell a bit about my situation.
I am the partner of an SA survivor for 11 years. He told me of the SA by his sister (he doesn't know how old he was, 4-6?) 5 years ago, along with the fact he thought he was attracted to men and the two were maybe connected. I was very comforting to him/empathetic/shocked/saddened etc and did offer if he wanted to talk, I was there for him. He also told me, he'd said to a man he worked for 'I think I want to kiss you', to which the man replied, his boyfriend wouldn't be very pleased about that. So, we decided to have an open relationship, so he could explore that side of himself. In the end, he didn't explore anything, and I mearly kissed one man, one night and that was that. Then I got pregnant (with partner) and when we found out, he was devastated and told me he thought he might be gay. I fell appart, but through family support, we worked it out and through talking, he said he wasn't gay. We had our wonderful daughter and to a degree we were happy. I then fell prgnant again and became depressed about it. My mother suggested seeing a homeopath/therapist and one year on, it suddenly dawned on me, there seemed to be situations/problems which could be linked to the SA. I felt horrified to not have noticed sooner. Felt like I'd been uncaring/selfish and stupid and not looked after myself at all, or my partner. On further thinking, I have come to realise that at the time, I had so many fears he really wasn't attracted to me, coupled with the mess I had become from our disfunctional relationship, I was no longer myself and therefor couldn't possibly think straight/productively. I tentatively suggested the possibly connection of my partners issues to the SA and he was very responsive and willing to accept/begin to explore etc. I think his positive response was due to the fact he had then been in homeopathic treatment for nearly a year and so, dealt with some stuff already.
I then started coming to this board and became aware of the possiblility of lying from partner, became aware of the feeling he was hiding something. Visited my mum and when I returned the feeling was stronger, so when he took the kids out, I searched the house! Found extra strong condoms/lube in box in bedroom and freaked out. Obviously confronted him and he said he drove to service stations on a few occasions with the intention of having sex with a truck driver, but never followed it through. I was so paranoid and it was worse, because he initially lied to me about how many times he did that. Trust became very difficult. I then told him, I still didn't feel he was being honest with me, and I would feel more comfortable just being friends until this changed. Still offer love/support, nobody move out or anything drastic. That's when he told me he'd had another memory about a teacher at school. Thought he may have been SA by him.
He was at that school from 9-12 and has since had no more memories return. I was upset byond belief for him. We cried and had two weeks of crisis where I offered all the support I could give.
He then decided he need weekly therapy (along with monthly homeopathy) and is seeing someone. I was much relieved. I have since found it difficult not to be paranoid/scared/trust. Also, I feel angry about all this time with our kids which should have been filled with joy, having been full of my total panick he might be gay/leave me, along with other child care problems/arguments.
The first really great thing that seemed to happen for him, was the realisation that all his sexual issues are NOT due to the fact he's gay, but all the other SA stuff. He felt so happy and we were actually sexually active for a couple of weeks. Now, as he's going more deeply into stuff, the whole possibility of sexual contact is very threatening to him. Also though, after seeing my H/T this week, I realised it's actually quite threatening to me too. To explain, I think sex has become very confused in our relationship, where I've actually ended up feeling quite abused myself and even ended up thinking that's what I wanted
Does that make any sense? I have realised there are a whole load of intimacy things I need in order to feel I can believe he really wants me. To make me feel safe/secure/reassured and desired. My H/T suggested a break from sexual conact, so we agreed to go week by week and see how we both feel.
I do realise now, that I've spent our whole relationship having all kinds of things projected onto me. I've ended up angry, then felt bad, forever appologising/feeling like I've been horrible and feeling sympathy for partner. I have felt dirty/disgusting/unattractive/confused and lost all my pride/self esteem and respect. He's shut me out, thrown things, been angry about all kinds of stuff and I'm really only just beginning to see all that for what was.......why was I in a relationship like this
Last night, I was walking round with false tan on my legs and only nickers on. Me and partner were chatting and he became awkward and I asked him if anything was bothering him. He said he felt guilty about enjoying seeing me in my nickers adn worried he'd over stepped the mark. As in too much for me. I became momentarily confused, said I didn't even know he was feeling sexual, so how would that be too much for me? Then I wondered if he was projecting, so asked him if really it was him that was really bothered by it. He admitted it was. This projection keeps happening. I find it soooo confusing. In the past, this would have been, 'I get confused/angry, we row, etc etc'. I said this has to stop. Your issues are your issues and while you keep projecting them onto me, there is no honesty, and we can't even talk about the issue at hand. So, the real issue was, he felt threatened by the possibilty of sexual contact. It's so hard not to take these things personally. I certainly wasn't being sexual and don't even want that at the moment. But intelligently I realise it has nothing to do with me. I feel relieved that finally I am being stronger/rational and looking after myself. It's just hard to actually trust my perceptions after all these years of confusion.
At the moment, he's become distant again. Comes back from therapy/seeing friends, seems to want to tell me stuff, then becomes awkward. He said he thinks I'm going to be angry with him. I have said I don't expect him to tell me everything. He says his therapist said this is a necessary stage to work through in order to be able to realte fully. It's so hard to just be myself, when I constantly feel it causes problems, but I know this is the only way to go. I have repressed/compromised myself in so many ways in this relationship and know that has to stop, but my confidence is so little now. Also very fearful of what the future holds. All this along with 2 kids (4 & 1) and all the s**t we've already been through.........I feel exhausted and like I just want someone to love me/like me/want me for me. Any comments/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
peace and love to all of you..
I've been coming to this board for weeks now and feel a bit guilty, as I havn't really written much, so finally I'm going to tell a bit about my situation.
I am the partner of an SA survivor for 11 years. He told me of the SA by his sister (he doesn't know how old he was, 4-6?) 5 years ago, along with the fact he thought he was attracted to men and the two were maybe connected. I was very comforting to him/empathetic/shocked/saddened etc and did offer if he wanted to talk, I was there for him. He also told me, he'd said to a man he worked for 'I think I want to kiss you', to which the man replied, his boyfriend wouldn't be very pleased about that. So, we decided to have an open relationship, so he could explore that side of himself. In the end, he didn't explore anything, and I mearly kissed one man, one night and that was that. Then I got pregnant (with partner) and when we found out, he was devastated and told me he thought he might be gay. I fell appart, but through family support, we worked it out and through talking, he said he wasn't gay. We had our wonderful daughter and to a degree we were happy. I then fell prgnant again and became depressed about it. My mother suggested seeing a homeopath/therapist and one year on, it suddenly dawned on me, there seemed to be situations/problems which could be linked to the SA. I felt horrified to not have noticed sooner. Felt like I'd been uncaring/selfish and stupid and not looked after myself at all, or my partner. On further thinking, I have come to realise that at the time, I had so many fears he really wasn't attracted to me, coupled with the mess I had become from our disfunctional relationship, I was no longer myself and therefor couldn't possibly think straight/productively. I tentatively suggested the possibly connection of my partners issues to the SA and he was very responsive and willing to accept/begin to explore etc. I think his positive response was due to the fact he had then been in homeopathic treatment for nearly a year and so, dealt with some stuff already.
I then started coming to this board and became aware of the possiblility of lying from partner, became aware of the feeling he was hiding something. Visited my mum and when I returned the feeling was stronger, so when he took the kids out, I searched the house! Found extra strong condoms/lube in box in bedroom and freaked out. Obviously confronted him and he said he drove to service stations on a few occasions with the intention of having sex with a truck driver, but never followed it through. I was so paranoid and it was worse, because he initially lied to me about how many times he did that. Trust became very difficult. I then told him, I still didn't feel he was being honest with me, and I would feel more comfortable just being friends until this changed. Still offer love/support, nobody move out or anything drastic. That's when he told me he'd had another memory about a teacher at school. Thought he may have been SA by him.
He was at that school from 9-12 and has since had no more memories return. I was upset byond belief for him. We cried and had two weeks of crisis where I offered all the support I could give. He then decided he need weekly therapy (along with monthly homeopathy) and is seeing someone. I was much relieved. I have since found it difficult not to be paranoid/scared/trust. Also, I feel angry about all this time with our kids which should have been filled with joy, having been full of my total panick he might be gay/leave me, along with other child care problems/arguments.
The first really great thing that seemed to happen for him, was the realisation that all his sexual issues are NOT due to the fact he's gay, but all the other SA stuff. He felt so happy and we were actually sexually active for a couple of weeks. Now, as he's going more deeply into stuff, the whole possibility of sexual contact is very threatening to him. Also though, after seeing my H/T this week, I realised it's actually quite threatening to me too. To explain, I think sex has become very confused in our relationship, where I've actually ended up feeling quite abused myself and even ended up thinking that's what I wanted
Does that make any sense? I have realised there are a whole load of intimacy things I need in order to feel I can believe he really wants me. To make me feel safe/secure/reassured and desired. My H/T suggested a break from sexual conact, so we agreed to go week by week and see how we both feel.I do realise now, that I've spent our whole relationship having all kinds of things projected onto me. I've ended up angry, then felt bad, forever appologising/feeling like I've been horrible and feeling sympathy for partner. I have felt dirty/disgusting/unattractive/confused and lost all my pride/self esteem and respect. He's shut me out, thrown things, been angry about all kinds of stuff and I'm really only just beginning to see all that for what was.......why was I in a relationship like this
Last night, I was walking round with false tan on my legs and only nickers on. Me and partner were chatting and he became awkward and I asked him if anything was bothering him. He said he felt guilty about enjoying seeing me in my nickers adn worried he'd over stepped the mark. As in too much for me. I became momentarily confused, said I didn't even know he was feeling sexual, so how would that be too much for me? Then I wondered if he was projecting, so asked him if really it was him that was really bothered by it. He admitted it was. This projection keeps happening. I find it soooo confusing. In the past, this would have been, 'I get confused/angry, we row, etc etc'. I said this has to stop. Your issues are your issues and while you keep projecting them onto me, there is no honesty, and we can't even talk about the issue at hand. So, the real issue was, he felt threatened by the possibilty of sexual contact. It's so hard not to take these things personally. I certainly wasn't being sexual and don't even want that at the moment. But intelligently I realise it has nothing to do with me. I feel relieved that finally I am being stronger/rational and looking after myself. It's just hard to actually trust my perceptions after all these years of confusion.
At the moment, he's become distant again. Comes back from therapy/seeing friends, seems to want to tell me stuff, then becomes awkward. He said he thinks I'm going to be angry with him. I have said I don't expect him to tell me everything. He says his therapist said this is a necessary stage to work through in order to be able to realte fully. It's so hard to just be myself, when I constantly feel it causes problems, but I know this is the only way to go. I have repressed/compromised myself in so many ways in this relationship and know that has to stop, but my confidence is so little now. Also very fearful of what the future holds. All this along with 2 kids (4 & 1) and all the s**t we've already been through.........I feel exhausted and like I just want someone to love me/like me/want me for me. Any comments/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
peace and love to all of you..
