My Story
My name is Alex, and I have been a member for about a week now. I have recently "seen the light" and have been feeling a lot of strong emotions and dealing with the fact that I was sexually assaulted when I was younger for many, many years.
It started when I was 14. My parents met a gay couple and invited them over to a party we were hosting. This was the first time I met a gay couple, and I was coming to terms with my sexuality. I was nervous and excited to meet them, as I wanted to see what it was like to be an adult and feel these feelings towards others of the same sex. The couple consisted of a 31 year old and a 42 year old.
Upon arriving, I had butterflies and was so excited. They showed up, and I started talking with them, and built a relationship with them. I was drawn to one of them, that was showing me so much attention, I was in shock and also really excited to be able to look at them as mentors. The one that was showing me the attention was the 31 year old.
The party was in the summer, and by December I was calling and talking to the one that showed me attention every day. My parents were not happy that I was in communication so much with him, but that too made it even more exciting.
One night he was over and we were watching a movie. He sat next to me, very close, almost touching my leg. I did not think this was bad, as I trusted him and looked up to this man. He then hugged me and moved my arm over his chest and laid it there. Later, things happened and it made me excited and also very confused. I had fooled around with boys my own age and experimented and knew I was gay, but this was different, as this was someone that was already through puberty and had grown up. An adult.
I felt like I was in a club… Like we had a secret that made us even closer. Leading up to that, the man would ask me questions about masturbating, and if I had any porn, or if I needed help getting any. He was always making sexual jokes and talking about sex and past experiences.
The next month I turned 15, and that is when it changed. Suddenly I was talking to this man every free break I had at school and would have to inform him of what I was doing, who I was seeing, what I was wearing and every other detail you could imagine. I was being controlled, but I did not think this was wrong, and that this was part of our club…
This went on for years. I would call when home late at night before bed and first thing when I woke up, as instructed. I would sneak out, meet up, get picked up from school and sneak off campus. We would meet up in the woods, at houses that were empty in town and do sexual acts.
When I was leaving for college, we continued this emotionally abusive relationship. I would sneak out after class, get on planes, trains, cars and buses to see this man every second I could. It lasted for over 9 years. I was 23 when I finally left, and then got into an even worse emotionally abusive relationship for 2.5 years.
A month ago, I told my parents, and I am now looking into pressing charges and taking action against this man. I have guilt, as I keep thinking “I did this too, I was special” but I realize now he could be doing this to another boy, and I want this to END.
I have also bought 6 books to read to better cope with my emotions and have also began meeting with a psychiatrist. I hope this will all help with these strong emotions.
I want my childhood back, I want my innocence back, and I want to relive those years and wish I had said no and not seen this man that summer day for the first time…
I will heal, I will do good in my community, and I will help those in need and those that are suffering. That is all I can do to move on and continue to survive.
I am thankfully married now with two dogs and my own business. I have a loving husband that supports me in all of this and was the one that really make me realize all of this by saying last month “You do realize that you are the same age now as the man that did those things to you… That is not right.”
Do others feel these feelings towards their abuser? I was lead to believe we were still friends too, but I have not spoken to him in months, as I realize he is keeping tabs on me to make sure I do not talk, as the statue of limitations in Vermont is 22 years.
Thank you for listening, and I will keep you posted on everything.
Sorry if this is jumbled. I wanted to get this on paper and be able to read responses of how others deal with these feelings. I cannot be alone in feeling this, can I?
Alex
It started when I was 14. My parents met a gay couple and invited them over to a party we were hosting. This was the first time I met a gay couple, and I was coming to terms with my sexuality. I was nervous and excited to meet them, as I wanted to see what it was like to be an adult and feel these feelings towards others of the same sex. The couple consisted of a 31 year old and a 42 year old.
Upon arriving, I had butterflies and was so excited. They showed up, and I started talking with them, and built a relationship with them. I was drawn to one of them, that was showing me so much attention, I was in shock and also really excited to be able to look at them as mentors. The one that was showing me the attention was the 31 year old.
The party was in the summer, and by December I was calling and talking to the one that showed me attention every day. My parents were not happy that I was in communication so much with him, but that too made it even more exciting.
One night he was over and we were watching a movie. He sat next to me, very close, almost touching my leg. I did not think this was bad, as I trusted him and looked up to this man. He then hugged me and moved my arm over his chest and laid it there. Later, things happened and it made me excited and also very confused. I had fooled around with boys my own age and experimented and knew I was gay, but this was different, as this was someone that was already through puberty and had grown up. An adult.
I felt like I was in a club… Like we had a secret that made us even closer. Leading up to that, the man would ask me questions about masturbating, and if I had any porn, or if I needed help getting any. He was always making sexual jokes and talking about sex and past experiences.
The next month I turned 15, and that is when it changed. Suddenly I was talking to this man every free break I had at school and would have to inform him of what I was doing, who I was seeing, what I was wearing and every other detail you could imagine. I was being controlled, but I did not think this was wrong, and that this was part of our club…
This went on for years. I would call when home late at night before bed and first thing when I woke up, as instructed. I would sneak out, meet up, get picked up from school and sneak off campus. We would meet up in the woods, at houses that were empty in town and do sexual acts.
When I was leaving for college, we continued this emotionally abusive relationship. I would sneak out after class, get on planes, trains, cars and buses to see this man every second I could. It lasted for over 9 years. I was 23 when I finally left, and then got into an even worse emotionally abusive relationship for 2.5 years.
A month ago, I told my parents, and I am now looking into pressing charges and taking action against this man. I have guilt, as I keep thinking “I did this too, I was special” but I realize now he could be doing this to another boy, and I want this to END.
I have also bought 6 books to read to better cope with my emotions and have also began meeting with a psychiatrist. I hope this will all help with these strong emotions.
I want my childhood back, I want my innocence back, and I want to relive those years and wish I had said no and not seen this man that summer day for the first time…
I will heal, I will do good in my community, and I will help those in need and those that are suffering. That is all I can do to move on and continue to survive.
I am thankfully married now with two dogs and my own business. I have a loving husband that supports me in all of this and was the one that really make me realize all of this by saying last month “You do realize that you are the same age now as the man that did those things to you… That is not right.”
Do others feel these feelings towards their abuser? I was lead to believe we were still friends too, but I have not spoken to him in months, as I realize he is keeping tabs on me to make sure I do not talk, as the statue of limitations in Vermont is 22 years.
Thank you for listening, and I will keep you posted on everything.
Sorry if this is jumbled. I wanted to get this on paper and be able to read responses of how others deal with these feelings. I cannot be alone in feeling this, can I?
Alex