My story

Status
Not open for further replies.

Fear Is a Liar

Registrant
Hello, I am new to Male Survivor. I have struggled with my past for 30 years. I'm 37 now. I would like to share my story in the hopes of gaining some insight from other survivors. So far, I have only told my story to five people--my wife, my best friend, his wife, and one other couple who is close to me. Here goes: When I was 7 years old, I was invited to a sleepover. There were two other boys there--none of us were related. These two boys weren't teenagers or adults. They were slightly older than me, but still peers. Around bedtime, I remember going to the bathroom, and returning to the bedroom where I would be sleeping. When I got to the doorway, the other two boys were lying in bed together and they asked me if I wanted to have sex. I remember the emotion like it was yesterday. I felt distressed, but I didn't understand what was happening. I said, "What's that?" They said, "We'll show you." I said, "No, I think I should ask a grown up if it's ok." One of the boys--I don't remember which, said, "No, don't do that." Then I realized that the parents who lived there had already gone to bed for the night. I didn't know what to do, and I felt trapped. There was nowhere else to go, and I thought that I would get in trouble if I woke up the adults. It wasn't physical force, but at the time, the peer pressure felt very strong. I didn't know what to do, so I learned what sex is. Even though none of us were mature enough to experience an orgasm, that was the only missing element. After everything was over, I felt so horrible. I wanted to tell someone, but I literally could not bring myself to verbalize what had just happened. A few months later, I was visiting my grandparents. They lived in a house in the country, and my great grandmother lived in a trailer next door. At bedtime, me and my cousins were supposed to sleep in great grandma's trailer, and my parents and grandparents were going to sleep in their house. As a seven year old, I didn't know what being "triggered" was, but that night, I became triggered. The incident with the other boys had happened in a trailer. I remember getting out of bed and walking next door, thinking to myself, "I'm going to tell my mom tonight." When I walked into the house, I couldn't do it. I told my mom that I was sick. I wasn't. I felt sick, but really I was just nauseous from anxiety. That night ended up being a turning point, and not for the better. I believe that if I had told my mom, everything would have stopped. But I didn't tell her. There were several other incidents after that in the boys bathroom at school. I was never the instigator, but I never stood up for myself. It finally stopped after 2 years when my family moved away so my dad could start a new job.

I have struggled with this my entire life. It's on my mind every single day. It took me 29 years to finally say something. And then another year to tell someone else, and then another 8 months to talk about it ere. I feel so confused. I need input. Am I the victim of abuse? I was a child who was pressured by two other children to have sex. It wasn't adults and it wasn't violent, but I never wanted it. I have been angry my entire life, I've struggled with depression my entire life, because I literally feel like my childhood was stolen that night. But it's confusing to me, because they were children, too. I've also been afraid to say anything because I'm afraid of what will happen. I don't want to report anything--I just want to heal. Is that wrong? Is there anything to report?--we were all children. Is that even a crime? Would I be forced to report something? I just want to be reassured that this wasn't my fault. I want my anger and depression to go away. I want to be happy. But if I did do something wrong, I want someone to tell me the truth. I want to finally put this behind me. I don't want to fear anymore.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top