my story

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my story

Dreamer

Registrant
Trigger warning
My story,
It all started when we moved to a new house and neighborhood, I was 5 or 6 years old as far as I can remember. My Dad started raping me almost every night. He was an alcoholic. As he was raping me, he would ask me why I was the way I was, “why do you make me do this to you” I thought He was splitting me in half with an ax, it hurt so much. Lots of verbal abuse, I grew up thinking this is what dads do, I didn’t know any different. At the same time my older brother started to abuse and torture me. This also involved 3 older boys in our neighborhood, friends of my brothers. It involved many years of torture, rape, and sex acts. These boys thought it was funny, the more disgusting things they could do the funnier they thought it was. I was often tied up with their white tube socks and then tortured. They used to make me eat everything they could find. Snakes, slugs, snails, dog shit, human shit, vomit. If I gagged or threw up, they thought that was funny. So, I stopped throwing up and gagging, that didn’t help they just thought up more horrible stuff. After school I was raped and tortured by my brother and his friends, and then later that night raped again by my dad. I lot of the torture involved guns. Some of my worst memories and flashbacks are those that I thought I would die. If I woke up after being raped and tortured, because I had passed out, and if there was blood, then I thought I had died. We lived near a river, and the boys had tried to drown me in it on many occasions. I became terrified of the river, but it was also my savior. The river is where I could go and clean up the blood, the cum, the vomit, the shit. The river and the water became my life. I could continue to hide if I could get clean and try and stop the bleeding. Sometimes I couldn’t stop the bleeding and tried to get home and stuff toilet paper or Kleenex in my underwear to help with the blood. It was hard to walk normal sometimes, but I learned how despite the pain. I had to go to school and pretend that nothing was happening. One time my mother asked where all my underwear had gone. Guns were a regular part of keeping me quiet and in line. My abusers often liked to play Russian Roulette. They would load a bullet and shoot the gun until it would fire in the wall. Then pretend to load again and fire it at me or in me, my ear, nose, mouth, ass. On one occasion they got a blank bullet and fired until it went off in my ass. I thought I had been shot and was going to die. Anything they thought would fit up my ass, they tried. They even shoved a snake up me. Besides the boy’s gang raping me on a regular basis, I was gang raped at a party when I was 17. I had been drinking a lot, the usual, since I had been drinking since the age of 5 or 6. I remember coming to, on my brother’s water bed, and I was surrounded by a bunch of guys. The next morning, I woke up covered in cum and bleeding from my ass. I was also raped by another friend of my brothers around age 16 on a hunting trip, my dad forced me to go, they got me drunk and raped me. I was also raped by a cousin my brother got involved. His penis was so big it really did a number on my jaw and ass. There are many other times, and things that happened from age 5-6 to age 17, but just too many to write about. It all became my normal, it’s still hard to not think of it as normal, because it is the only thing I knew for so long. During this time and to this day I became a master at what I call my tricks. Dissociation, numbing, staying under the radar, by helping others, and becoming a very good kid. I never asked for anything and never got in trouble. Because I wasn’t really present most of the time in school, I did a lot of cheating to keep my grades up. I felt like and still feel fake, my emotions and how I feel on the inside never match how I really feel. I still hide and put on the masks. Today I have been in therapy for just over 3 years. I found malesurvivor a little over a year ago. When I read other stories then I know I am not alone, that is why I finally wrote something down for the first time.
 
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