MY Story

[Wolfg]

Hello, my name is Wolfgang, I am a survivor of ritualistic CSA starting from the age of 10, carrying on into teenage years and adulthood, and building on emotional abuse starting as a toddler.

The abuse created a dissociative personality phenomenon which meant that a part of me, which always kind of remained a child in fact, would comply with unwanted sexual acts, while the rest of me would know nothing about it afterwards. This phenomenon was used by numerous people in my adult life, who stalked me for its sake and used it to assault me.

I wasn't born with this phenomenon, nor is it - as the abusers did claim - a disability (I was always an excellent student without actually studying much from elementary to university). This phenomenon was forced upon me by sheer violence. And, it had always been the abuser's intention to create this phenomenon.

As I was able to go back to the very beginning of it, even to my earliest memories, it felt like regaining my heart, something like a core of myself - that place where you are in touch with your impulses and know who you are and what you want. (That part of me had drowned amidst all the violence.) And, as a result, said phenomenon started to disappear.

I think the details of my story could be quite an asset to researchers of sexual violence. And, it is my hope that I will be able to add my share to ending the normality of sexual violence on this planet forever.

 

[manipulated]

welcome Wolf! Sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.

 

[woodenshoes]

Sorry for what happened and hope you find healing.

 

[NC-Survivor]

The abuse created a dissociative personality phenomenon

I have found that many CSA survivors suffer from (ofter undiagnosed) DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I have also read that the only people who struggle with DID are those who experienced horrific abuse as children.

I am planning to add a new thread on that, soon.

 

[NC-Survivor]

This phenomenon was used by numerous people in my adult life, who stalked me for its sake and used it to assault me.

There is another thread on here about being "Marked" as if new abusers could "smell" the victimness of our past.

 

[NC-Survivor]

Welcome. Know this is a very safe space. Feel free to share EVERYTHING you are willing and wanting to share. It helps to vent and it helps others in the process. You are not alone, brother!

 

[WG]

Hello Wolfgang - As has been said, welcome, and at the same time sorry for what brought you here. What you said about the child within never growing beyond a certain age and allowing the abuse no matter the adult age (of the survivor) caught my eye. I, too, would allow others to do things with me - from taking me for a ride in the car to walking off with them at a carnival. Scared the pants off my folks. Also, the 'marked' piece was so true. I used to ask myself in later years, "Do I have a sign on my back or do I just look like an easy target?" I have learned that the answer to part of that is 'yes'. I looked like it for some reason. I have since learned through therapy about this.

 

[NC-Survivor]

I have found that many CSA survivors suffer from (ofter undiagnosed) DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I have also read that the only people who struggle with DID are those who experienced horrific abuse as children.

I am planning to add a new thread on that, soon.

Done:

DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder - how many of us have it??

Dissociative Identity Disorder - used to be called "Multiple Personality Disorder" - This has been popularized by Hollywood, especially Soap Operas for dramatic purposes. Going though T over the years, I discovered I do, indeed have some form of it. Reading more about it, it is almost always...

forum.malesurvivor.org

 

[Wolfg]

thank you all for your comments. I would like to write a bit more about me and my story. But, at the moment it is tooo exhausting / tiring to do so. So, simply thx!!

 

[une.vie.d.espoir]

Hello, my name is Wolfgang, I am a survivor of ritualistic CSA starting from the age of 10, carrying on into teenage years and adulthood, and building on emotional abuse starting as a toddler.

The abuse created a dissociative personality phenomenon which meant that a part of me, which always kind of remained a child in fact, would comply with unwanted sexual acts, while the rest of me would know nothing about it afterwards. This phenomenon was used by numerous people in my adult life, who stalked me for its sake and used it to assault me.

I wasn't born with this phenomenon, nor is it - as the abusers did claim - a disability (I was always an excellent student without actually studying much from elementary to university). This phenomenon was forced upon me by sheer violence. And, it had always been the abuser's intention to create this phenomenon.

As I was able to go back to the very beginning of it, even to my earliest memories, it felt like regaining my heart, something like a core of myself - that place where you are in touch with your impulses and know who you are and what you want. (That part of me had drowned amidst all the violence.) And, as a result, said phenomenon started to disappear.

I think the details of my story could be quite an asset to researchers of sexual violence. And, it is my hope that I will be able to add my share to ending the normality of sexual violence on this planet forever.

I Wolfg glad your whit us.

 

[Wolfg]

Thx all for your replies indicating to me some visibility and care. As stated, I would like to add a little detail to my story. With this, I would like to pinpoint that various kinds of abuse and violence are all linked somehow. I want to state that it is not possible to just consider certain kinds of sexual violence and leave out others. Leaving certain victims/survivors behind can only reinforce the victimization suffered by all others.

The abuse I suffered as a child was conducted by my parents and had been instigated by my sister who hated me, the late-coming second son, because our father kept telling her (literally) that boys value more than girls. With the help of some people from the outside, she groomed the girls participating in the abuse. Those girls (starting from the age of 10) were all raped in the sense of statutory rape while watching me being raped by my father and brother, insulting me, spitting on me, stepping on me etc. I remember one girl screaming at me “I am an adult” (she was 13), and all present, male and female were laughing out loud.

After finding out that both father and mother still valued me more than her, my sister fell apart with severe psychosis and was committed to the psychiatric clinic for the first time (I was 10, she was 17). She later committed suicide. As far as I can see, my mother participated for two reasons: 1) She hoped to destroy my sexuality and have me as her surrogate husband. 2) She tried to win back my father (presenting him all those under-aged girls for rape). My father though was long gone with his narcissistic harem and later on murdered my mother anyway (for the sake of saving money).

Thank you for reading