My story.
In the other thread I told a little about my background, that I am a South Asian, 22 years old and my name is not Thomson, for convenience you could call me S.
I was the first born, so my birth was quite celebrated in our family. My father, though a bit harsh, did his best to take good care of me and my siblings. I remember being the naughty one of all the kids and was also shy (ambivalence?) and was quite assertive as well. My dad would bring me all the stuff I wanted. My grandfather was an angel, he loved me quite a lot and I loved him as well, he would teach me all the good traits. Such is my background. My dad would generally not let us play outside our home, which was quite big, for the reason that we might become spoiled brats. But little did he know that whom he trusted would be the one who would become my ruiner. Uptil 9 years of age, I don't have any significant memory except from some joyous moments. We had a cousin T who was 6 years older than me; he would tell me stories of adventures and fighting. I loved those stories and would always be impatient to listen to the new ones. I don't quite remember how it started, but my earliest memory of CSA is that he would ask me to masturbate him, which of course I resisted. But being half of what he was (in aspects of size, cunning etc.) he would force me to obey him. I remember threatening him to tell my father and his father, but never being able to put it in practice. The reason was that my father was a strict man and I got beaten up quite a few times on petty things, and I was so much afraid of telling him about SA that I thought he might kill me for that. Another reason was the backwardness of our society, where issues of sexual boundaries are not discussed with children. Had I been taken into confidence on these issues, I wouldn't have ended up here. He would take me into woods outside our home and would do stuff to me that I hated most, there was an enormous emotional pressure on me. One night, while he was staying at our home, he crept into my bed and sodomised me. I couldn't even scream out of fear. After that he became bold and would come to our home quite often for small reasons and would look for me. I would always try to hide, but how much? This terror continued for 2-3 years. Meanwhile, another incident occurred which put an absolute full stop to the possibility of telling my parents. Our pet bird (a crane) flew off one day and we (our cousins and neighbors of our age) went out looking for it, younger brother of T also went along us (he is 4 years older than me), my younger brothers also went with us. There we couldn't find the bird and tiredly sat alongside a stream of water. There we started joking etc. about our neighbor, who quite frowned took my brothers home and asked me to go with him lest he would tell my father (what?). I ignored him and sat there with my cousins (4-5 of them) and went home a bit later. My neighbor told my mother that I and younger brother of T were doing some wrong things. I was utterly shocked by such malign motives of my neighbor. How evil could one be to stoop so low? I was dumbfounded, accused of something I never did. There was an enormous pressure on me which is quite unspeakable. I made up a story for them to believe me (they weren't listening to my denials), but they took the word of the neighboring kid over mine. In the morning I got quite a spanking and I remember I cried for a long time, but eventually I gathered myself. After that there was no chance left of telling my parents, who betrayed me in such a manner. I pleaded to my father, while he was beating me, to ask my other cousins who were all the way with us, but all in vain. This was the emotional abuse. My self respect was so high that I would consider myself second to none, I would consider myself a prince, but now all my idols got shattered.
I have been working with my self esteem since then. I was a shy kid, innocent but naughty. I have never talked to anyone before about this abuse; I have kept it to myself. Although I am successful in life, but these memories kept me awake for so many sleepless nights. I would fight with T, once I stabbed him with a small knife, but he was so much stubborn and bent upon evil, that nothing stood in front of him. I do find refuge in religion, but nowadays I am quite away from that as well. As for therapists, we don't have such a concept here, so I am my own therapist. Someone asked me about my experience as a Muslim Survivor, but I think there is nothing special about that. All survivors are the same regardless of religion. Yes, in Islam sodomizing a kid is a capital offense, but we here don't implement these laws due to political reasons (we are being ruled by dictators who are busy gathering wealth for themselves).
Sorry about bothering you guys for so long
I was the first born, so my birth was quite celebrated in our family. My father, though a bit harsh, did his best to take good care of me and my siblings. I remember being the naughty one of all the kids and was also shy (ambivalence?) and was quite assertive as well. My dad would bring me all the stuff I wanted. My grandfather was an angel, he loved me quite a lot and I loved him as well, he would teach me all the good traits. Such is my background. My dad would generally not let us play outside our home, which was quite big, for the reason that we might become spoiled brats. But little did he know that whom he trusted would be the one who would become my ruiner. Uptil 9 years of age, I don't have any significant memory except from some joyous moments. We had a cousin T who was 6 years older than me; he would tell me stories of adventures and fighting. I loved those stories and would always be impatient to listen to the new ones. I don't quite remember how it started, but my earliest memory of CSA is that he would ask me to masturbate him, which of course I resisted. But being half of what he was (in aspects of size, cunning etc.) he would force me to obey him. I remember threatening him to tell my father and his father, but never being able to put it in practice. The reason was that my father was a strict man and I got beaten up quite a few times on petty things, and I was so much afraid of telling him about SA that I thought he might kill me for that. Another reason was the backwardness of our society, where issues of sexual boundaries are not discussed with children. Had I been taken into confidence on these issues, I wouldn't have ended up here. He would take me into woods outside our home and would do stuff to me that I hated most, there was an enormous emotional pressure on me. One night, while he was staying at our home, he crept into my bed and sodomised me. I couldn't even scream out of fear. After that he became bold and would come to our home quite often for small reasons and would look for me. I would always try to hide, but how much? This terror continued for 2-3 years. Meanwhile, another incident occurred which put an absolute full stop to the possibility of telling my parents. Our pet bird (a crane) flew off one day and we (our cousins and neighbors of our age) went out looking for it, younger brother of T also went along us (he is 4 years older than me), my younger brothers also went with us. There we couldn't find the bird and tiredly sat alongside a stream of water. There we started joking etc. about our neighbor, who quite frowned took my brothers home and asked me to go with him lest he would tell my father (what?). I ignored him and sat there with my cousins (4-5 of them) and went home a bit later. My neighbor told my mother that I and younger brother of T were doing some wrong things. I was utterly shocked by such malign motives of my neighbor. How evil could one be to stoop so low? I was dumbfounded, accused of something I never did. There was an enormous pressure on me which is quite unspeakable. I made up a story for them to believe me (they weren't listening to my denials), but they took the word of the neighboring kid over mine. In the morning I got quite a spanking and I remember I cried for a long time, but eventually I gathered myself. After that there was no chance left of telling my parents, who betrayed me in such a manner. I pleaded to my father, while he was beating me, to ask my other cousins who were all the way with us, but all in vain. This was the emotional abuse. My self respect was so high that I would consider myself second to none, I would consider myself a prince, but now all my idols got shattered.
I have been working with my self esteem since then. I was a shy kid, innocent but naughty. I have never talked to anyone before about this abuse; I have kept it to myself. Although I am successful in life, but these memories kept me awake for so many sleepless nights. I would fight with T, once I stabbed him with a small knife, but he was so much stubborn and bent upon evil, that nothing stood in front of him. I do find refuge in religion, but nowadays I am quite away from that as well. As for therapists, we don't have such a concept here, so I am my own therapist. Someone asked me about my experience as a Muslim Survivor, but I think there is nothing special about that. All survivors are the same regardless of religion. Yes, in Islam sodomizing a kid is a capital offense, but we here don't implement these laws due to political reasons (we are being ruled by dictators who are busy gathering wealth for themselves).
Sorry about bothering you guys for so long
