My Story.

[teba]

Hello, guys, I'm completely new around here. So, I thought I'd share my story(ies) and ask some questions, as I'm still not sure if I was subjected to abuse or not. I'm so confused.

I'm 26 now. So, when I was in what in the USA would be elementary school, I had swimming lessons once a week. I had this female teacher. Right from the beginning she sort of took an special interest in me, to put it that way. Anyway, the class was divided in 3 groups, and each had a different teacher. Our teacher used to get in the water with us, something neither of the other two teachers ever did. She would grab and touch me to "teach" me and "help me" understand the lessons/adopt the right position to a given movement and things like that. I always felt uncomfortable. She would touch me all over and I was of course only wearing a speedo-type swimsuit. She used to make physical contact a lot. I was around 7. Then, after class, she would enter the changing room. Again, she was the only teacher to do so. It was an all-male school. She would ALWAYS look at me while I was changing. The entire time. I remember once she came really close and told me not to forget to dry my genitals very carefully, and then watched me doing so.

So, was that abusive/incorrect behavior? I'm so confused. I mean, I know it's always made me feel EXTREMELY embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, guilty, dirty, uncomfortable, depressed, sad and anxious, that much I do know. I'd like to just erase most of my childhood, and that's one of the main things that make me feel like that. I'm a virgin. I'm afraid of sexual intercourse and it disgusts me and deep down I can't help but see it as a "dirty" thing. I'm homosexual. For some reason for like a year or so now I've been thinking a lot about these episodes and about other one I'll tell you about below. I sometimes have nightmares either of being sexually assaulted/humiliated or somehow related to sex. They're violent and disturbing.

So, the other thing/"episode". When I was around 10 one day I was sharing a bed with someone. I'm almost sure that at one point in the night I woke up but remained completely still. Then, this other person reached around and grabbed my genitals for a few seconds. I have the same question; would that be abusive? Also, I'm very, very scared and worried that somehow I might be making it up, that somehow my mind created this memory. Could that be possible?

Thanks in advance.

Regards.

 

[Serpenta]

You are around the same age that I was when I was living in denial about the abuse I had suffered and I can relate to how you say you feel. Maybe you remember more than you think you do and your feelings of guilt about having "made it up" (we believe you!) are blocking your ability to accept that information right now. I'm also new here, so, hi.

 

[teba]

Thank you very much. Hi and welcome too. I'm curious as to what others may think about my situation, and the questions I raised, too. Was it really sexually abusive behavior?

Thanks again.

All the best.

 

[genedebs]

Dear teba

Welcome I am sorry you need our support but I am glad you have sought it out.

First any child under the age of 14, in all states is legally unable to give consent. If the swim teacher watched you become naked she molested you. This is a legal definition. If ucshe was not your parent, if she was 5 years older than you, if she did this on a consistent manner, not one single occasion when it may have been inadvertant, it was molestation. If you feel that she touched your penis or testes through your speedo, no matter what she was teaching you, that was molestation. If she elicited a sexual response from her watching you or "teaching" you, that was molestation.

BELIEVE THE CHILDREN. You have been remembering this experience for almost two decades. Ifyou believed at seven it is true at 26.

Did this other person you were sleeping with molest you when you were 10. Was the individual 5 years older than you. It was a felony. It the individual was around your age while it is still sexual contact (assualt) it will not be considered criminal.

I don't know if you really wanted this kind of answer. If you want a more direct answer, it has nothing to do with the law. You clearly felt violated, your space and your body were dishonored in a way that exposed you sexually.

 

[don64]

Hi Teba,

My take is that if you felt abused, you were abused. You are the only one who can ever decide for yourself what is right for you and how you feel. Whether your experiences fall into categories of illegality or not is insignificant compared to what any experience is to you. It is clear that these experiences are very disturbing for you, so, from my perspective they did disturb you. Learning to respect myself and trust my own inner knowing has been a lifetime difficulty. One of the effects of my own abuse. Also, learning to find a reference point in myself for who I am and what is right for me has been another challenging life issue.

So, in the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels about your experience. It only matters what you think.

Having said that, what your swim teacher did was horrible, in my opinion. She was a very sick person, and turned you into an object to work out her own personal, disturbed, sexual issues. Children get damaged with that kind of stuff. Doesn't mean you can't heal from it. But my experience is it has taken the help of other male survivors as well as therapy, reading, and a lot of personal growth experiences to give me the support I need.

Sending you love and good will,

Don.

 

[teba]

Hi genedebs and don64,

Thank you very much for your replies. They mean a lot. I'm just trying to come to terms with all this. I kept it bottled up for so, so long. I've only told my psychiatrist and 4 other people. My psychiatrist just kinda ignores the issue(s). He seems to not really care. I regret telling him... I don't know, this whole thing is just painful. Too painful. There are so many things wrong in my life that bring me pain. I've always had major body image issues too, I cut, etcetera. I just wish I could just forget all about this. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't just best to keep it all bottled up inside forever, you know?...

About the person I shared the bed with, she's only 3 years older. I'm new to this. This feels so fucking horrible... Talking about this...

Thank you both so very much for your help, support and good wishes. I would've felt even a lot worse if I hadn't have this kind of responses. Thank you so much.

 

[concerned_husky]

Teba,

There is a definition of child sexual abuse that has helped me a lot in conceptualizing and properly labeling my past:

"Inappropriate sexual remarks made to a minor by an adult; ogling of a child or teenager by an adult; an adult's exposure of his or her sexual organs in view of a minor; peering at a child or teen who is dressing, using the toilet, in the bath, etc.; kissing; fondling; mutual masturbation; [and] penetration."*

I've underlined the words relevant to the events that you've described. All of it was indeed sexual abuse.

I understand the fear you have of "making up" these events, but I also believe that the burdensome feelings you've been carrying all these years (humiliation, shame, guilt, dirtiness, etc.), as well as the violent and disturbing nightmares you've described, overwhelmingly point to the fact that as horrible as it is accept, these events you described did indeed really happento you, and that you are not fabricating them. As Genedebs said - believe the children.

The nature of your abuse was very covert and subtle, but that does not mean it wasn't abuse; it was abuse, and if anything, its covert nature has given you the additional problems of doubt and confusion, things which have been detrimental to your healing.

I also suspect that part of this doubt comes from your psychiatrist. He doesn't seem to be taking these events seriously, but honestly, any psychiatrist worth a dime would realize the impact of such abuse. To say the least, the acts you've described are gross violations of the integrity and natural development of a child - they've damaged you, and they've hurt you. They should be taken seriously - we take them seriously.

I hope this helps.

Husky

*Source: Oz, S., & Ogiers, S. (2006) The Wall of Fear: Recovery form Childhood Sexual Abuse. New York: Haworth Maltreatment and Trauma Press.

 

[teba]

I also suspect that part of this doubt comes from your psychiatrist. He doesn't seem to be taking these events seriously, but honestly, any psychiatrist worth a dime would realize the impact of such abuse. To say the least, the acts you've described are gross violations of the integrity and natural development of a child - they've damaged you, and they've hurt you. They should be taken seriously - we take them seriously.

Hi Husky,

Thank you very, very much. That was very helpful indeed. About my psychiatrist, yeah, maybe you're right. I mean, I'm pretty sure that if the genders were reversed, he would be just outraged... But I'm a dude and was a boy, not a girl, so, yeah... I regret telling him so, so much. I'm so fucking stupid. Should've kept my trap shut. That's what most males who've been through this do, anyway...

Again, thank you very much for your post. It meant a lot and I appreciate it a great deal.

Regards.

 

[don64]

Hi TEBA,

"Should've kept my trap shut" is never healthy in my opinion. It's not that I should never talk, it's that I have to learn to talk in situations that work for me. I have to learn to discern. I have to figure out what is healthy for me, not figure out what is healthy for the other person. That's their job.

If your shrink is not ABLE to be sensitive to your needs, that's something you need to know. It doesn't have to mean he's a bad guy, it could just mean he's not exactly the fit you need. I'm not advocating one way or the other with your shrink. Cutting is serious and you need to have a good support system, so do what you can to plan well and not be impulsive regarding your treatment. I just want to support you in supporting yourself.

Sending you love and good will,

Don