my story
Its been too long ive been a wuss about it, not having the courage to speak out, to tell the world. What I hate the most is that I was angry at myself for blaming myself, but it wasnt my fault, it was never my fault. A defining characteristic of a man is that he takes responsibility for all actions and all outcomes, whether success or failure. All my life Ive tried to assume responsibility for everything that happened to me, but there was one thing that I was trying to explain to myself and to make sense of it, in terms of where my responsibilities lie. The answer is nowhere. This is the only part of my life where I felt I wasnt in control. It was going on for about 2-3 years until I was about 10. Its all a blur so I cant really tell for sure. For some reason those moments are all buried deep down. It was my aunt and it feels weird for me to call her a perpetrator because fundamentally she is a good person, she is now married and has a girl who is 5.The truth is she may be a good person in everybody elses eyes, but they dont know what I know. Every summer I would spend at my grandparents and my aunt still lived with them at that time. There werent enough beds to sleep on so I would have to share one with her. It started one night when she asked me to draw something on her back and she would have to guess it. Then she asked to take turns so she would draw on my back. Every time she would do it she would go a step further and she would ask me to do the same. I was a kid, I had no idea what was going on. It evolved into fondling each others genitals and then I remember her teaching me how to perform oral sex. I also remember the thought of oral sex disgusted me at the time. I cannot remember if I had actually done it or if I had intercourse with her, but there are parts that I need to recollect but cannot seem to remember. Later on she started manipulating me by telling me that if I didnt do some chores around the house or do something for her then I wouldnt get anything that night. From what Im writing right now it seems that I enjoyed it and was looking forward to it. Now I realize how terribly wrong an immoral this was from her. Not only she took advantage of my and my parents trust in her as a caretaker, but she abused it as well by manipulating me. The mark that was left on me I can feel today. I most cases i cannot break that emotional or physical barrier especially if Im in an intimate relationship. Somehow it feels wrong for me to initiate things on a sexual level with my partner, more like im trying to protect them from anything sexual, which of course was the failure for all my relationships and only now im trying to dig deeper and find out whats really going on inside me. I feel like I was conditioned to believe that sexual intimacy is wrong, as she always told me not to tell anyone because my parents would get upset, therefore implying that it was wrong what we were doing. I know that this confession is a first step in many to overcome this natural confusion and I cannot state how important it is to make the first step. It comes down to the fact that we are, or for the most of us, want to be responsible and fulfilled human beings. While we are not responsible for what happened in relation to the perpetrators actions, we cannot simply blame all our failures on that. We owe it to ourselves to assume responsibility and take actions that are necessary for solving these issues. Self-Victimization should never be an option for anyone in any case, because it the sure road to unhappiness. If you are reading this and are at a beginning just like me, then you are already doing the right thing and hopefully thinking about coming to terms with your past experiences and stop letting them control your life. Im a 20 year old college student that hopes that this reading will appeal to the common senses of people in similar situation as me to address this issue as soon as possible and take as mush action as possible.
Im considering my next step as to how to confront her and what to say. It will take a while till I see her again as I have emigrated from my country a while ago and I wont see her until I next visit my country. My only question is to the people that took the time to read this, is if I should tell me parents about any of this. I feel like I should because I feel that these secrets might have caused a rift between me and them as well. I have no idea how they will react with respect to my aunt, all of this might cause a rift in a family that everyone considers strong and united. If someone has already gone through that stage I would appreciate any opinionsand sorry for the excessively long story, it was 10 years of hiding in these lines.
Im considering my next step as to how to confront her and what to say. It will take a while till I see her again as I have emigrated from my country a while ago and I wont see her until I next visit my country. My only question is to the people that took the time to read this, is if I should tell me parents about any of this. I feel like I should because I feel that these secrets might have caused a rift between me and them as well. I have no idea how they will react with respect to my aunt, all of this might cause a rift in a family that everyone considers strong and united. If someone has already gone through that stage I would appreciate any opinionsand sorry for the excessively long story, it was 10 years of hiding in these lines.
