My story....

My story....
D

Daniel Singer

Registrant
Hello all,
I just joined this site so be patient for any of my mistakes. I am 41 married with a 9 year old girl. I work as a RN and spend most free time homeschooling our daughter while my wife pursues her PhD.

At the age of 12 I was sexually molested twice by my 17 year old sister. She masturbated my penis two times in two differant beds in the house. She also groomed me for the events masturbating her self tens of times with the door open. I have another sister who was 19 at the time. I am the youngest. Basically the events devestated me although like most I found a small area in my memory bank for it. In other words it set me on a horrible path of behavior dysfunction for years all the while I never totally put 1 + 1 together. As my acting out became more and more personaly intolerable I realized what had led me astray. I couldn't believe how much I was in denial of what happened. I suppose alot had to do with being a male survivor of incest. Anyway I could go on forever. Oh yeh it also affected my marriage.

Anyway I finally sought out treatment 2 years ago to terrible results. I have now sought out help and my treatment has been incredible. I now know I have a long road to hoe....

I have a question... I am planning on confronting my abuser during the holidays. Obviously it is tricky in that my abuser is my sister who also visits my parents at the same time. Ever since I woke up and decided that I was a victim of a horrific crime I ask myself how do I relate inside of the house. In other words after confronting my sister (I still don't know who or when she may have been molested) how do I even breath her air. In other words her essence makes me sick. Excuse my vulgar words but believe me I feel worse about her. How do I contine on during the holidays like everything is kosher within the family???
 
Daniel,
Welcome to MS. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you are. It sounds like you have made some progress in therapy.
I'm impressed that you feel you are ready to confront your sister. Are you sure this is something you are ready to do? If it is, Ken Singer, the MS website therapist has written some really good articles on all this stuff.
My only caution is that it could indeed rip your family apart. But, I totally understand that you can't continue to pretend the elephant in the middle of the room doesn't exist. Not sure I have any words of wisdom here. Other than here to support, listen, and talk.
Welcome.
Paul
 
Paul,
Thank the god you responded. Ever since 3 months ago when I admitted to myself that I needed help and found a wonderful therapist I have needed more and more to talk to people. The problem is the only one I talk to about this is my shrink. She is wonderful. By the way it is free since I WAS at risk with my sexual behavior the local county via fed money pays for folks like myself. So it has been a gift from god my shrink. She is the first person the 3 decades of torture that has believed me and validated what happened. I have been cold turkey now for 2 months of so called sex addiction. My marriage has peace for the moment.
Anyway back to your response...I mean the question is do I pretend that this family of mine exists? In other words what family is it when I was sexually molested and it was completely glossed over, you know what I mean. Can the family evolve in a good way if I challenge the sex offender? On the other hand will this lead to more secrets in the family??
I will read Singer's stuff.
peace Daniel
 
Paul,
Thank the god you responded. Ever since 3 months ago when I admitted to myself that I needed help and found a wonderful therapist I have needed more and more to talk to people. The problem is the only one I talk to about this is my shrink. She is wonderful. By the way it is free since I WAS at risk with my sexual behavior the local county via fed money pays for folks like myself. So it has been a gift from god my shrink. She is the first person the 3 decades of torture that has believed me and validated what happened. I have been cold turkey now for 2 months of so called sex addiction. My marriage has peace for the moment.
Anyway back to your response...I mean the question is do I pretend that this family of mine exists? In other words what family is it when I was sexually molested and it was completely glossed over, you know what I mean. Can the family evolve in a good way if I challenge the sex offender? On the other hand will this lead to more secrets in the family??
I will read Singer's stuff.
peace Daniel
 
Daniel,

Welcome to our circle here. So sorry you have the need, but glad you found us. I'm sure you've discovered by now that there are a bunch of great guys here. I hope you too are able to find what you are looking for.

You asked a question about confrontation. Paul referred to and article by Ken Singer regarding that subject. Here's the link to that article. Confrontation and Disclosure

Again, welcome and glad you're here.

Lots of love,

John
 
John,
Thanks for your kind words. I never knew there was even hope in my morass. I was sex and porno seeking for years. It was horriffic. In a few short months with a wonderful T I have found that I was never crazy afterall. I have been dry for two months of cruisin although look at internet porno everyday. But I am being safe to my loved ones and have hope of even better days. Thank god I have this T who validates me as a member of sanity. That being said I am going through unbelievable rage and anger at what happened to me. I have always had the RAGE but never reflected on what happened to me moment by moment those fateful days.
peace Daniel
 
Daniel,

Welcome to male Survivor.

Confrontation is a huge step! I'm not discouraging it, but just cautioning you to be fully prepare yourself for all the possiblities. It is very important to know what you are looking for and how to deal with things if they do not go as planned.

I confronted the man who abused me 5 1/2 years ago. It was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. It really jump started my recovery efforts. But I was fully prepared for the woste case senario (that he would totally deny everything). I didn't need a confession or an apology. All I needed was to have an hour of face to face time to tell him what he did to me and how he ruined my life. I couldn't care less if he denied it, because I knew, that he knew, he molested me! Fortunately, my confrontation went better than I expected.

All that being said, my situation did NOT involve a family member so please be careful and prepare yourself.

Again, welcome to Male Survivor. You will find a lot of support here. I'm glad you found us!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
welcome daniel my brother had his way with me as a child my dad was aware of this it was all swept under the rug...i tried talking to my brother about it a few years ago....what a waste of time....be strong steve
 
Hi ya all,
Thanks for all the responses. This is the first year of my recovery and as stated earlier am 2 months dry of cruisin and it is tough. On the other hand I can now feel the pain that I drowned in sex for close to 3 decades.

I am rather surprised or shocked at folks response to me wanting to confront my abuser. I understand the NEED to take it slowly etc and the so called dangers. Most importantly I understand ultimately I need to take care of myself. In other words my abuser lives on but I have to live with myself. That being said I am somewhat confused by peoples pleasant words of caution.
I now realize I was a victim of two outrageous crimes and I aim to call an eye for eye. In other words tell the abuser what she did, and draw lines FINALLY. It is very difficult but I can't see how it would make anything worse?? I hate her and want to call her on what happened and then move on to take care of myself.
By the way she still torments me by keeping the bathroom door open when she goes to the bathroom. Thankfully I only see her one time a year.
daniel
 
Daniel,
I am so glad you're posting here. Please remember, that we are all on your side here. I, for one, will totally support whatever decision you make. Really, the only caution I have is that you are prepared for the worst case scenario with the disclosure. But listen, NO ONE, especially me, is going to give you instructions or preach - it's just out of love and concern, ok? We have all felt the rage, the betrayal, the anger, etc. My T is always harping on me to take care of myself and watch our for myself more than anything. After all the pain, we need to look after ourselves. You deserve that too. i carried my abuse for 40 years. I was repeatedly raped by a teenager when I was 5-6 years old. I carried that shame and guilt all this time until just last May when my wife confronted me about my "secret life" of acting out. It nearly ended my marriage. But in so many ways, it felt like such a relief to get it out and not carry the secret anymore. I started therapy and have come a long way since then, but still have hard patches. i'd never go back. Sorry to ramble.
Paul
 
Daniel - I don't know how it is that we find this place, but we do find it.

The people here are the best you will find anywhere, and we all have concern for each other.

Ultimately we can read what is written here, seek advice and even give advice.

When it comes to our own recovery, we have to make up our own minds, what is best for us. None of us can tell another what they must do., so you are the one that must decide what your next step is in recovery - we will support you as you do that, whatever it is.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Daniel,

Welcome to MS. Im glad you are already getting the support of fellow survivors. As has been said already, whether you confront your sister or not, it sounds like not much will change in her response to you anyway. Isnt she still abusing you by using the toilet and leaving the door open in full view of you? Thats known as covert abuse. I dont see her changing that behaviour just because you confront her.

You mention that you want to let it all out for your sake and thats fine for you. Just dont get your hopes up that she will change as a result of the confrontation. It seems unlikely.

You mention that you only have to see once per year. My abuser was my older brother. If I can read between the lines here Daniel, it seems that even this once per year gathering is still pretty upsetting for you. I know that it is or was for me. I made a decision many years ago that I would no longer attend the annual family gathering if my brother was going to be there. I needed to do that for myself. I havent confronted him nor told my family. I dont feel to yet and dont know if I ever will. Thats a separate issue for me. More important was how being in my brothers presence made me feel. I needed to take care of myself.

I know youll make the right decision for yourself.
 
Grunty,

Hey thanks fo responding. I wanted to send this back as a private reply but don't know how to navigate here as I am new. Know how to send a private one? Please instuct me.

My sis?? My T and the books talk of taking the power back. Well that is my intention. Knowing her and her abuse she will immediately try and lock me into the thousandsth toe for toe abusive fight.

THis time for the first time my ideal is to say my piece and walk away. I want to set the lines. I wonder if she will close the bathroom as this does get me nauses as it reminds me of the dirt or stain she made me feel for 3 decades.

But hey I had a question. Is it possible abusers can just learn on their own.. In other words it could be possible she was not abused herself?? I am new to this recovery stuff so I have loads of questions. For ex. if she was done by my dad or step uncle what are the chances she will reveal this? When does this revealing if at all occurr. What percent rounghly of abusers are sexually abused themselves.??

peace Daniel...
 
Daniel,

I wanted to send this back as a private reply but don't know how to navigate here as I am new. Know how to send a private one? Please instuct me.
Click to expand...
If you want to reply or communicate privately with someone, look for that line of icons at the top of his post. Click on the middle one, the one with the envelope and the image of one figure passing something to another. That will open the box for a PM, or private message.

Much love,
Larry
 
Daniel I hope you are doing ok, talk to you soon.

Hugs
 
Daniel,

my bf was SA by his sister at a very young age 4 or 6, he can't remember. He decided to confront her by email. She had a bit of therapy, then told their parents, which was initially what he said he needed to happen. Since then, he has chosen to only communicate with his parents by email and no communication with his sister. Turns out she was abused first by a babysitter. This did confuse the feelings for bf initially. The whole fact of communication/confrontation does seem to bring with it all kinds of confusions and distractions from his own healing. But, at the same time, I think he's relieved he no longer has to pretent everything's fine. He no longer feels obliged to visit/join in family get togethers. The secret is out.

His sister did acknowledge the abuse. She did appologise to a satisfactory degree. All by letter. But still, he does not want contact with her, which I support him fully in choosing. It is all very hard, but I continue to support him in honouring his own feelings.

He has felt very relieved by the fact his parents have decided to seek therapy for himselves. But still these family situations are so emotionally draining and complex.

I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.

peace
Beccy
 
DS,

I was raped by my older sister. She literally grabbed my penis and forced it into her. This when on for about two years until she left home. I was 12-13 at the time and still 5 years away from puberty. Later, in my 20s I confronted her about it, mainly because I wanted to confirm in my own mind that it really did happen. She confirmed it, but said I was just as much to blame because I had an erection at the time. I now regret having even brought it up. However, although there was no apology, I did get confirmation that the events happened. And that is worth something.
 
Actually, the context/reason why I wanted validation was that I was trying to understand my homosexual orientation. I had thought that this and an incestuous relationship with my mother was the 'cause' of my orientation.
 
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