MY STORY
Hi people,
My name is AJ and I am a 45 yo male with a wife and 2 gorgeous girls, living in Australia. I am a perfectionist and an overachiever and that has made me wealthy. I also feel that I am a complete fraud and lead a life of utter hypocrisy. Here is my story.
I was raised by quarrelling parents and a very physically abusive father. At age 11, our priest made a move on me but I had fast feet. At age 12 i was victimised by our doctor, who nearly stuck his penis inside me but again my fast feet saved the day. Ashamed and embarrassed about the fondling, the sucking and the exposure (all by the good doc) I shut myself into my world and became a good athlete and a brilliant student. At age 13 I became sexually active, masturbating, initially frantically, then at a more humane pace! During that year, I ended up in hospital twice from my father's beating hands. I left home when I was discharged and lived on the streets for 2 years. I disrupted by schooling and my adolescence. People felt pity on me so I did not starve and eventually when my mother found me, left my father and took me in. A year later, she became very sick, so my dad came back, but by then I was older, stronger and I was able to twart his blows.
I thought that I had provoked the advances of the priest and the doc. I felt ashamed. I felt the need to be accepted by a male in my life, since all the pivotal males had deserted me. I became confused sexually. I was teased mercilessly at school, when I went back. I developed mannerisms unlike those of young teenage boys.
I finished school top in my class. I was awared national awards for art and sport. I left home again at 18 and gave up a scholarship so as to be far from home and start fresh.
Thoughout all this, I was attracted to girls and had girlfriends, but I would also check the men in the showers, but never acting on it. I became a sex addict with personal and girl sex.
Six yers later I married this gorgeous girl and she has been wonderful. I started a business as a professional, and we are doing well. I have 2 magnificent kids who are treated like I would have liked to be treated.
I joined a fanatic homophobic religious group in an effort to stamp out my attraction to men. That worked well for 15 years. The one balmy evening, during a business trip, in a classy Boston precinct, I was raped by 3 masked men, left bleeding and requiring an operation to reconstruct my anal passage. I was wearing women's pads for about 9 months.
Since then, I wished to die and my life changed. Sex with my wife has become almost impossible, but she is kind and understands me. However, upon my return home, I have found the desire for male company much stronger. I spoke to a psychologist friend of mine who suggested this is because of my lack of a male friend in my life, particularly in my youth.
Since then I met this married guy, wife, 3 kids, who wanted casual sex, and we became lovers. We have been together for 4 years now. My addiction to sex has lessened, although I still sneak a bit of porn (Gay and straight - both excite me). I have sex with him monthly - I am too busy for more than that. He holds me, kisses me and makes me feel loved. This is not the attention that I would have wished to have, but it keeps me normal, and keeps me from crashing my car against a brick wall.
Of couse, now I live with the shame of being bisexual and my wife would leave me in a flash if she knew, but I can not ever tell her. She is still a religious fanatic nut. I have tried to break this tryst, but it is asphyxiating everytime I even think of doing so.
My parents are dead now, and so is the priest and the doc (the priest became bishop by the way). I have all the luxuries I want, but I have no peace, and I live a life of pretending because if I stop, without my kids life will not be worth it.
I am not sure if this is the right forum for all my bagage, thus sorry if it is not. I needed to tell my story, because it is such a burden to carry and it hurts me whenever I ponder over it.
As I am preparing to go visit my male lover, I hate myself and I tell myself to accept who I now am. I have to blame my circumstances about who I have become - not doing so is unbearable.
I discovered your site this morning while reading the magazine Men's Health, that was in my office chambers. I am glad I did.
Regards
AJ
My name is AJ and I am a 45 yo male with a wife and 2 gorgeous girls, living in Australia. I am a perfectionist and an overachiever and that has made me wealthy. I also feel that I am a complete fraud and lead a life of utter hypocrisy. Here is my story.
I was raised by quarrelling parents and a very physically abusive father. At age 11, our priest made a move on me but I had fast feet. At age 12 i was victimised by our doctor, who nearly stuck his penis inside me but again my fast feet saved the day. Ashamed and embarrassed about the fondling, the sucking and the exposure (all by the good doc) I shut myself into my world and became a good athlete and a brilliant student. At age 13 I became sexually active, masturbating, initially frantically, then at a more humane pace! During that year, I ended up in hospital twice from my father's beating hands. I left home when I was discharged and lived on the streets for 2 years. I disrupted by schooling and my adolescence. People felt pity on me so I did not starve and eventually when my mother found me, left my father and took me in. A year later, she became very sick, so my dad came back, but by then I was older, stronger and I was able to twart his blows.
I thought that I had provoked the advances of the priest and the doc. I felt ashamed. I felt the need to be accepted by a male in my life, since all the pivotal males had deserted me. I became confused sexually. I was teased mercilessly at school, when I went back. I developed mannerisms unlike those of young teenage boys.
I finished school top in my class. I was awared national awards for art and sport. I left home again at 18 and gave up a scholarship so as to be far from home and start fresh.
Thoughout all this, I was attracted to girls and had girlfriends, but I would also check the men in the showers, but never acting on it. I became a sex addict with personal and girl sex.
Six yers later I married this gorgeous girl and she has been wonderful. I started a business as a professional, and we are doing well. I have 2 magnificent kids who are treated like I would have liked to be treated.
I joined a fanatic homophobic religious group in an effort to stamp out my attraction to men. That worked well for 15 years. The one balmy evening, during a business trip, in a classy Boston precinct, I was raped by 3 masked men, left bleeding and requiring an operation to reconstruct my anal passage. I was wearing women's pads for about 9 months.
Since then, I wished to die and my life changed. Sex with my wife has become almost impossible, but she is kind and understands me. However, upon my return home, I have found the desire for male company much stronger. I spoke to a psychologist friend of mine who suggested this is because of my lack of a male friend in my life, particularly in my youth.
Since then I met this married guy, wife, 3 kids, who wanted casual sex, and we became lovers. We have been together for 4 years now. My addiction to sex has lessened, although I still sneak a bit of porn (Gay and straight - both excite me). I have sex with him monthly - I am too busy for more than that. He holds me, kisses me and makes me feel loved. This is not the attention that I would have wished to have, but it keeps me normal, and keeps me from crashing my car against a brick wall.
Of couse, now I live with the shame of being bisexual and my wife would leave me in a flash if she knew, but I can not ever tell her. She is still a religious fanatic nut. I have tried to break this tryst, but it is asphyxiating everytime I even think of doing so.
My parents are dead now, and so is the priest and the doc (the priest became bishop by the way). I have all the luxuries I want, but I have no peace, and I live a life of pretending because if I stop, without my kids life will not be worth it.
I am not sure if this is the right forum for all my bagage, thus sorry if it is not. I needed to tell my story, because it is such a burden to carry and it hurts me whenever I ponder over it.
As I am preparing to go visit my male lover, I hate myself and I tell myself to accept who I now am. I have to blame my circumstances about who I have become - not doing so is unbearable.
I discovered your site this morning while reading the magazine Men's Health, that was in my office chambers. I am glad I did.
Regards
AJ
