My story
Hauser
Registrant
It was the summer of 1978. Disco was in full swing. I was 9 yrs old. I was the youngest in a disfunctional family of four. There was no abuse is my family. Only bad thing about it was that my Mother left my Father when I was 7 or so. She didnt cheat on him or anything like that, she just wasnt happy anymore, so she left my Dad alone to raise my older brother Luke and myself. This would have dire consequences later in my life, or at the very least contribute to it.
My mother had married an abusive man before she married my Father, she had two kids from him, one of which, my older half-brother, still lived with my Dad and Luke and me. My Dad knew that my half-brother Rick had a lousy upbringing and let him live at home after he turned 18 because he wanted to help him financially with a place to stay while he saved money. My brother Rick is exactly 10 years older than I. So in the summer of 78, he was 19.
My brother Rick got into the cb radio craze at a suggestion from my mother in order to help him find some constructive interest besides smoking cigarettes and working. That suggestion changed my life. My brother Rick met someone over the cb radio and they became friends. Rick was 19 and his older friend, named Kim, short for Kimball, liked to hang out. Rick told me later that Kim never tried anything with him, I guess he was just too old or not the right type, these perps have preferences too.
One night, my brother Rick invited Luke and myself to come over to Kims place and check out his model train set and hang out. He had an impressive line of model rail sets! They were really cool! I was enthralled with wonder and happiness being able to hang out with my older brother and his friend. Kim was a white-trash loser living in a trailer but I liked him. He always talked to me. I felt comfortable around him. He let me smoke cigs, (Iwas already smoking with a childhood friend named Dave, who was older than me and would play a crucial part in how I grew up, we were smoking weed, cigs, looking at porn mags). As I type this, I am reaching into areas of my brain that I have not accessed in about 30 yrs. I just wanted to be his friend. There is something really cool that happens when a kid befriends a growup. He wasnt a substitute father to me or anything like that, (although I rarely saw my dad at the time since he was working for a living and I was just a kid on summer vacation). What I dont understand, as far as my admiration for my perp goes, is that whenever I talk to kids and carry on conversation with them, they dont seem enraptured with any attention that I give them. I just say this and that and I know of this and that and its the end of the conversation. Whenever I talked to my perp, I looked UP TO HIM. I admired him. I still do in a sense. Why did I like him so much?
How did I end up in his bedroom daydreaming at the ceiling? Why did I go in there? I was hanging out with his dog named Bilbo, weird name, around his bedroom. He approached me whilst I was relaxed on his bed. He came into the room and starting talking to me. He said, Whats up?, What are you doing? I replied, Just relaxing, I like it here. He laid sideways of me and struck up conversation with me while rubbing my chest. It was a good feeling to me, no worries at all. He kept rubbing up and down my chest while we talked about family and friends and life, etc. Then he started unzipping my pants and I was like..Ummm.What are you doing? He replied, Oh, Im just doing this to see how it feels to you. I replied, OK. I said ok. .I saidOK. ..Why the HELL DID I SAY THAT?
We talked while he played with my penis. He was trying to get me to respond. Unfortunately for him, I was to young andI remember him shaking his head in disapointment staring at my unresponsive penis. This is where and when it started. It went on for a whole summer. Then, I never went over there again, and he never came over or called me. He asked me to do things for him. I didnt want to but did it so that he would like me. I just wanted to be his friend. If only he didnt do these things to me I would only have fond memories of him. Why did I like him so much? To this day, I still cant hate him for betraying me. His abuse of me changed everything in my world. I have not seen a T yet, but when I do, I will discover and share more.
I never told about he did to me right away, except to my brother Luke, and our friend Dave, both of which made fun of me, so I clamed up. I said nothing more. My friend Dave molested me a year or two later a couple times.
I wish SO BADLY that I said something to my Dad, (my only parent I lived with). But I said nothing. I kept silent. I said nothing becausehell..I dont know why. I was embarased. I didnt want to talk about it. Who wants to talk to their parents about having dicks beings put in their mouths?
A year or two later, my friend Dave, (Dave was 2 years older than me, so I was 11 and he was 13), simply threw on his downstairs bed, and started to do what I was already familiar with. I could not stop him even though I did not like what he wanted was doing to me. I could have stopped him if I wanted to. But I submitted. I submitted to himwhy I let him do this to me.I have no idea. I now suspect that he was abused as well. I just wanted him to like me. Thats all I wanted.
A couple years later, when I was 11, going on twelve, I started noticing and watching boysnot girls..
I only dated a couple girls in High School, I would have done it with some friends but theyre werent gay, and neither am I, or so I thinkI like both really now that I think about it. I look at some men and find them attractivebut..I think Im just confused. It doesnt really matter much right now because Im not with either for more than 9 years. Geez..I would like to be with SOMEONE but not just anyone. Id rather be alone than with the wrong person.
Around 7th grade, my grades went downhill. I had a poor self-image. I still do. I have done things that I cant forgive myself for. We had a couple of dogs when I was a kid and I vented my anger out on them sometimes. I smacked them around and kicked them. I hate myself for what I did to those dogs. This went on for a couple years, then I stopped. A light clicked on in my head that said, Why am I doing this? These are totally innocent creatures. I stopped hurting those dogs but I hate part of myself for what I did.
Ive come to realize that it was misdirected anger. Im trying to forgive myself, but I havent done it yet.
I hope that I have redeemed myself by being what others would call a perfect dog owner. I have recently had to euthanize a Rottweiler named Thor that I had for 10 years. He was my world. He was the kid that Ill never have. People told me that I treated him better than other people treat their children. I never left him alone, unless I was working, otherwise, he was always with me. He went everywhere I went. I worked in a restaurant and I would feed him leftover Prime Rib, Filet Mignon, Pork Tenderlion, etc. I walked him 2-4 miles a day. I treated him like Royalty. It doesnt make up for how a treated those dogs of my youth. I was a tinderbox. My older Brother Luke was scared of my anger, even though he was bigger and a couple years older than me.
My Dad didnt know what to do with me. I didnt know what to do with me. My grades went downhill, I never had girlfriends, couldnt hold jobs, did drugs, drank alcohol. When I turned 18, I passed an enterance exam to a local university, even though I had a 1.8 gpa in High School. I cant focus on anything very long though. Thoughts keeps coming into my head. Sexual thoughts. Anger. I get frustrated and smash calculators against walls. Im pretty good at that I found out. Went through lots of calculators. I cant concentrate on anything very long.
I dropped out of College 3 times. Every time I would cry in frustration trying to do the homework. Its not a learning disability. Its the thoughts that come into my head and keep me distracted. I still cant talk about what I think about, even with you guys. I want to but I cant.
I have no self confidence now, Hell, I never did. I have no balls or leadership skills that I need in my line of work in order to get promoted. Ive been relegated to menial positions because I cant stand up for myself when I need to.
Im about to see the results of a battery of learning/memory tests. I had to give out a lot of information. I brought up the sexual abuse in the psychologists questionaires. Im about to disclose to my parents and see a T for the first time.
All of this could have been avoided if my parents gave me the tools to recognize the danger signs, like being touched, etc.
Better yet, why did they let a 9 yr old boy hang out with a 33 yr old man? Im angry at their failure to protect me still. Im not sure if the anger is misdirected or not.
If my fucking Mom would have been around, maybe she could have asked me, Where are you going? Oh, Im going over to Kims. Maybe then my Mom could have said, I dont think so. Not unless your brother Rick is with you or me or your Dad.
If only..
My mother had married an abusive man before she married my Father, she had two kids from him, one of which, my older half-brother, still lived with my Dad and Luke and me. My Dad knew that my half-brother Rick had a lousy upbringing and let him live at home after he turned 18 because he wanted to help him financially with a place to stay while he saved money. My brother Rick is exactly 10 years older than I. So in the summer of 78, he was 19.
My brother Rick got into the cb radio craze at a suggestion from my mother in order to help him find some constructive interest besides smoking cigarettes and working. That suggestion changed my life. My brother Rick met someone over the cb radio and they became friends. Rick was 19 and his older friend, named Kim, short for Kimball, liked to hang out. Rick told me later that Kim never tried anything with him, I guess he was just too old or not the right type, these perps have preferences too.
One night, my brother Rick invited Luke and myself to come over to Kims place and check out his model train set and hang out. He had an impressive line of model rail sets! They were really cool! I was enthralled with wonder and happiness being able to hang out with my older brother and his friend. Kim was a white-trash loser living in a trailer but I liked him. He always talked to me. I felt comfortable around him. He let me smoke cigs, (Iwas already smoking with a childhood friend named Dave, who was older than me and would play a crucial part in how I grew up, we were smoking weed, cigs, looking at porn mags). As I type this, I am reaching into areas of my brain that I have not accessed in about 30 yrs. I just wanted to be his friend. There is something really cool that happens when a kid befriends a growup. He wasnt a substitute father to me or anything like that, (although I rarely saw my dad at the time since he was working for a living and I was just a kid on summer vacation). What I dont understand, as far as my admiration for my perp goes, is that whenever I talk to kids and carry on conversation with them, they dont seem enraptured with any attention that I give them. I just say this and that and I know of this and that and its the end of the conversation. Whenever I talked to my perp, I looked UP TO HIM. I admired him. I still do in a sense. Why did I like him so much?
How did I end up in his bedroom daydreaming at the ceiling? Why did I go in there? I was hanging out with his dog named Bilbo, weird name, around his bedroom. He approached me whilst I was relaxed on his bed. He came into the room and starting talking to me. He said, Whats up?, What are you doing? I replied, Just relaxing, I like it here. He laid sideways of me and struck up conversation with me while rubbing my chest. It was a good feeling to me, no worries at all. He kept rubbing up and down my chest while we talked about family and friends and life, etc. Then he started unzipping my pants and I was like..Ummm.What are you doing? He replied, Oh, Im just doing this to see how it feels to you. I replied, OK. I said ok. .I saidOK. ..Why the HELL DID I SAY THAT?
We talked while he played with my penis. He was trying to get me to respond. Unfortunately for him, I was to young andI remember him shaking his head in disapointment staring at my unresponsive penis. This is where and when it started. It went on for a whole summer. Then, I never went over there again, and he never came over or called me. He asked me to do things for him. I didnt want to but did it so that he would like me. I just wanted to be his friend. If only he didnt do these things to me I would only have fond memories of him. Why did I like him so much? To this day, I still cant hate him for betraying me. His abuse of me changed everything in my world. I have not seen a T yet, but when I do, I will discover and share more.
I never told about he did to me right away, except to my brother Luke, and our friend Dave, both of which made fun of me, so I clamed up. I said nothing more. My friend Dave molested me a year or two later a couple times.
I wish SO BADLY that I said something to my Dad, (my only parent I lived with). But I said nothing. I kept silent. I said nothing becausehell..I dont know why. I was embarased. I didnt want to talk about it. Who wants to talk to their parents about having dicks beings put in their mouths?
A year or two later, my friend Dave, (Dave was 2 years older than me, so I was 11 and he was 13), simply threw on his downstairs bed, and started to do what I was already familiar with. I could not stop him even though I did not like what he wanted was doing to me. I could have stopped him if I wanted to. But I submitted. I submitted to himwhy I let him do this to me.I have no idea. I now suspect that he was abused as well. I just wanted him to like me. Thats all I wanted.
A couple years later, when I was 11, going on twelve, I started noticing and watching boysnot girls..
I only dated a couple girls in High School, I would have done it with some friends but theyre werent gay, and neither am I, or so I thinkI like both really now that I think about it. I look at some men and find them attractivebut..I think Im just confused. It doesnt really matter much right now because Im not with either for more than 9 years. Geez..I would like to be with SOMEONE but not just anyone. Id rather be alone than with the wrong person.
Around 7th grade, my grades went downhill. I had a poor self-image. I still do. I have done things that I cant forgive myself for. We had a couple of dogs when I was a kid and I vented my anger out on them sometimes. I smacked them around and kicked them. I hate myself for what I did to those dogs. This went on for a couple years, then I stopped. A light clicked on in my head that said, Why am I doing this? These are totally innocent creatures. I stopped hurting those dogs but I hate part of myself for what I did.
Ive come to realize that it was misdirected anger. Im trying to forgive myself, but I havent done it yet.
I hope that I have redeemed myself by being what others would call a perfect dog owner. I have recently had to euthanize a Rottweiler named Thor that I had for 10 years. He was my world. He was the kid that Ill never have. People told me that I treated him better than other people treat their children. I never left him alone, unless I was working, otherwise, he was always with me. He went everywhere I went. I worked in a restaurant and I would feed him leftover Prime Rib, Filet Mignon, Pork Tenderlion, etc. I walked him 2-4 miles a day. I treated him like Royalty. It doesnt make up for how a treated those dogs of my youth. I was a tinderbox. My older Brother Luke was scared of my anger, even though he was bigger and a couple years older than me.
My Dad didnt know what to do with me. I didnt know what to do with me. My grades went downhill, I never had girlfriends, couldnt hold jobs, did drugs, drank alcohol. When I turned 18, I passed an enterance exam to a local university, even though I had a 1.8 gpa in High School. I cant focus on anything very long though. Thoughts keeps coming into my head. Sexual thoughts. Anger. I get frustrated and smash calculators against walls. Im pretty good at that I found out. Went through lots of calculators. I cant concentrate on anything very long.
I dropped out of College 3 times. Every time I would cry in frustration trying to do the homework. Its not a learning disability. Its the thoughts that come into my head and keep me distracted. I still cant talk about what I think about, even with you guys. I want to but I cant.
I have no self confidence now, Hell, I never did. I have no balls or leadership skills that I need in my line of work in order to get promoted. Ive been relegated to menial positions because I cant stand up for myself when I need to.
Im about to see the results of a battery of learning/memory tests. I had to give out a lot of information. I brought up the sexual abuse in the psychologists questionaires. Im about to disclose to my parents and see a T for the first time.
All of this could have been avoided if my parents gave me the tools to recognize the danger signs, like being touched, etc.
Better yet, why did they let a 9 yr old boy hang out with a 33 yr old man? Im angry at their failure to protect me still. Im not sure if the anger is misdirected or not.
If my fucking Mom would have been around, maybe she could have asked me, Where are you going? Oh, Im going over to Kims. Maybe then my Mom could have said, I dont think so. Not unless your brother Rick is with you or me or your Dad.
If only..
