My story
brave heart
New Registrant
Hi , im new to this site and just wanted to share my stroy with you all
Although Im casting my mind back almost 40 years I remember it as if it was yesterday , waking up in his bed and not realising what was happening or how I got there I must have looked alarmed as he hugged me and said Dont worry Im just like a second Dad to you
Those words ring so hollow in my mind now , that is my earliest recollection of the man who told us to call him Uncle Colin the man that was to take control and screw up my life for the best part of 40 years.
How dare he compare himself to my Dad. He had duped my parents into thinking he was a caring child friendly lodger when he came to stay with us in my parents guest house in the early 60s.
I can still remember the green candlewick bedspread , the wooden bureaux and the bowl that always contained gold wrapped Butterscotch and bars of that dark Bournville chocolateand the stench of the deodrant or after shave he wore. Four decades on all of these memories still put a shiver down my spine.
Befriending my parents he would offer to collect me from school or take me on trips around Edinburgh , it would have appeared so normal just the kind of trip a real Uncle would take his nephew on but Colin would use these trips as opportunities to explore his sexual fantasies.
The acts he performed on me , and made me perform on him were beyond anything I wish to discuss here but suffice to say that they were totally degrading , disgusting and perverted. As time went by and I became aware that this was not normal activity for my new found Uncle I mentioned on several occasions that I would tell my parents he would go all moody and threaten me , even suggesting that he would tell them it was my idea!
Emotionally he forced me into a corner where I felt too weak to fight back , I didnt have the courage to argue and with hindsight I can now understand that my little body was no match for his physique .i so wanted to tell , to yell , to scream for it to stop. He would get mad and at times would force his whole body weight down on my chest or throat.
Seeing this naked man scowling , and leaning over me hurting me and forcing me into submission left me with a legacy of bad memories that even now I can not fully come to terms with. For decades I have been unable to relax at the dentist as the image of Colin flashes back to my brain as if it was only yesterday that is him, that is Colin leaning over me as I lie on the dentist chair. I know in my heart its not , but my head tells me different. Its a fear I have lived with and am desperately trying to put right now as my reluctance to visit the dentist has left me with many hygiene and cosmetic problems with my teeth.
But thats what Colin would have wanted , I recall how he would be always putting me down , telling me that no one would believe me and anyway no one would want someone with my round wire glasses and boyish looks as their friend. He had this uncanny knack of making you feel like the stuff that you trod in and try so desperately to wipe off the sole of your shoe.
I became scared of him , his threats but couldnt speak out. I would try to be anywhere but in his company I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house where my two Uncles lived as well. We would often go to their caravan at Loch Lomond and Loch Earn. I treasured those moments as every minute I was out of Colins reach was so precious.
The memories of Loch Lomond , Loch Earn and our frequent trips to Caithness to my other grandparents and Aunts & Uncles gave me a lasting taste for the countryside. It gave me a feeling of family security , the fields , the wind , the rain , the sun nature as it was meant to be and that total feeling of enjoying my innocence in safety.
Yet I would still have to go back to the danger zone , how I wish I had the courage back then to cry for help but this dominant man had my life under his control. In the evenings I couldnt sleep. I would borrow the most basic of transistor radios and an ear piece so I could listen to music to help me sleep at night , Pete Murray & Desert Island Discs ring a bell , that was the only way then and even now that I can go to sleep in the evening.
These people have no idea just how much of a controlling influence they place on their victims lives. For me though there was one major event which had a very big negative impact on my life.
Colin invited a little boy up to our house in Edinburgh from his home village of Little Staughton in Bedfordshire. Glenn and I became good friendswhen I visited Colin at Bedfordshire I would spend much of my time playing with Glenn , and one day whilst playing in the brook at the bottom of Colins parents garden Glenn told me that Colin had been abusing him and threatening him.
We talked for hours , two wee boys comparing notes and comforting each other. Glenn like me so wanted to tell his family but if my memory serves me right he had a step dad who he was wary of and didnt want to upset him. So we agreed that it was best that we didnt say anything at that stage.
One year Glenn returned South and not so long afterwards we received a phone call at my parents house telling us that Glenn had been murdered. I remember the exact location in the house where I stood on the stair and heard the news. I was devastated as knowing that Colin had threatened Glenn I felt ( and still do to this day ) that Colin had something to do with his death.
But if I was scared before I was doubly scared now that a similar fate might befall me if I was to disclose what was happening to me. So once again I buried the hurt , the pain and didnt tell anyone. It was beating me up inside as by now his acts on me were more frequent and painful. He didnt care if he hurt me , he had no scruples.
Sometimes he would take me from Little Staughton to Clacton or Great Yarmouth , he would book into a seedy motel and the pain game would go on. I recall with horror how he could sit in his car down at the front in Great Yarmouth. Cars would be parked either side , people would be walking past the car.and he would be doing things to me , or making me do totally degrading things to him whilst people would be walking past.
In particular I remember one such event where he hurt me badly , I was crying , people were walking past but they didnt know. I wanted to shout Help but couldnt.
I can still smell the aroma of soggy cheese and tomato sandwiches which had gone all squiggy in the Summer hear and looking down at the ashtray and seeing a half opened melted Butterscotch sweet stuck to the dashboard.
Perhaps one of the most degrading things however was in these motels he would perform his acts , and make me do likewise to him.but there was no love , no emotion. After he had finished he would switch on the television or radio or read a book leaving me feeling so dirty and unworthy.
I would go to the bathroom and lock myself in. The plan was to have a bath and cleanse myself and rid myself of his filth , but so often I would go in the bath and do the most horrible things , I would do A number 2 in the bath as my body just wasnt able to cope , it was giving inhow horrible , going to get cleaned up and through no fault of mine ending up bathing in my own mess.
That memory coupled with the tragic loss of Glenn was to have a major impact on my next 40 years. What Colin did made me feel like the scum of the earth. It took away so much of my ability to show true emotions , burying the truth yet wanting to shout out for so many years made lying easy. I suppose even in those early days I was developing my own coping strategies and ways of blotting out the abuse, the pain and the indignity that I suffered at his hands.
I went through life from that point on believing that I was a loser , that no one would want me and continually trying to prove myself , often this would involve buying things for others , and sometimes for myself it gave me a feel good factor to do things for others. Often I couldnt afford it..but like a stream meeting some new boulders in its path you find a way round to ensure that the current kept flowing.
This pattern existed throughout my schooling , and into my late teens. I got involved with the wrong people , hangers on who were your best friend when you had something to offer , but would be off in a shot as soon as you had nothing in it for them. But I was too blind to see this, turning away from real friends and getting hooked up with these hangers on.
At a time when you should be getting into relationships I didnt succeed. I had a very low self esteem and although I had many girl - friends didnt really have any girlfriends. I was too scared to go any further as the memories of Colins sordid acts made me feel not worthy , unclean a whole host of adjectives.
My way of trying to impress would be by buying friendship. It wasnt deliberate and to be honest it wasnt even done consciously it was just all part of my inbuilt survival mechanism.
I did get a great deal of pleasure from helping others and was involved with collections for the Earl Haig Foundation , Cheshire Homes and various other Charities. Helping others gave me a real boost , I never looked for a thank you or a pat on the backthe fact I had helped others and got positive feedback was more than sufficient reward.
Having left school as an academic failure I hadnt a clue what I wanted to do as a career. I had a brief spell at the Airport Shop in Edinburgh where I got the airfield buzz and subsequently left to get a job with a freight forwarder , a what ? As the girl who had first explained about the job described it Its like a travel agent but we send crates instead of people
I started off as an office junior , quickly discovered that I enjoyed the airfreight industry especially when I found that I was able to offer good service to clients and was getting positive feedback , so when the opportunity of a relocation to Aberdeen came into the equation it seemed like a dream come true. The chance to do what I enjoyed most and most importantly the opportunity to move away from the memories of Colin and Campbell Road. Yes it broke my heart to leave my family but I had to do something to rid myself of the flashbacks and constant memories of Colins acts.
The oil industry was ideal for freight forwarding, fast moving and demanding. I soon moved up from clerk to supervisor to Branch Manager.
Things were starting to look up for the no hoper as Colin had branded me. With the exception of freight forwarding the only other area that I had succeeded in was with running a mobile disco. I loved playing the music and found that I had a good rapport with the guests.and quickly developed a very sold reputation as a function DJ.
Through this I met my wife to be , and at last life was starting to come together.I so wanted a family but although we tried for several years progress was not being made in this department ! The doctor told me there was nothing physically wrong with me and looking back I think it was the mental stress of the abuse memories that had been affecting me,
I was SO pleased when Sheila fell pregnant and couldnt wait to tell our Mums & Dads who were all itching to be Grandparents. Everyone was delighted but as time marched on I became scared.
Scared that what had happened to me might happen to my own children. I didnt know how to cope with it , and memories of Glenn and the abuse and a whole host of issues came flooding back.
Two very major events them impacted my life , I had briefly discussed the abuse issue with a friend Mark Cheyne who gave me the support and courage to tell Sheila i felt it was only fair to tell her as they say a problem shared is a problem halved.
I was hit with a double tragedy , Mark was drowned in a canoeing accident off the coast of Aberdeen and on the week I had planned to tell Sheila about the abuse her Mum was airlifted from Elgin to Aberdeen hospital and never regained consciousness
Sheila never had the chance to say goodbye to her Mum and her mum never saw the granddaughter which she longed for so much.
From that point on my coping mechanism went into overdrive, I spent and spent and spent trying to buy comfort and thinking that perhaps these things would make it look like I was a success at my job. In reality I was I had been given the opportunity of a lifetime to open the Aberdeen office for a major USA freight forwarder.
It was a dream come true. A dream on one hand a nightmare on the other. The work became addictive , rarely taking my holiday entitlementthe more wrapped up in work the more I became involved in my little fantasy world
The spending got worse , often it was to help others who had fallen on hard times. I wouldnt think about the consequences or legalities of bailing people out. And I would buy things that I didnt need it was looking back like some kind of comfort buying.
(It got even worse after my son was born as every time I looked at him I saw me and got terrible flashbacks and very vivid recollections of the abuse)
When the pain got bad I used to take my dog for long walks in the village. It helped me relax in the lovely countryside. I used to walk down a long farm track and stop under what locals called the picnic tree. I would sit and cry , Denver my Beagle would lick my hand or face and it would seem so much better agajn !
It was during these walks I discovered the old barn which I bought and converted as the family home. It seemed an ideal location to bring up my children in safety away from the mad world of abusers
All logical thought process went out of the window the gut reaction was to do what I felt needed done and no thought was given to the consequences.
However my horrendous debts got the better of me and as a result of my actions I lost my job.and so nearly lost my family and friends as well.
Im deeply sorry for my actions and wish so much that I had the courage to speak out earlier , but the denial of the abuse for such a long period of time had destroyed so much of my reality thought process that I got myself into such a mess.
I am not proud of what I did and would do anything to turn the clock back. The only bit I am proud about is that I had the courage to track down Colin via the internet. I will never forget the relief I felt when I finally located him on a Church website..i was shocked to find out that we was working in England in charge of Mother & toddler groups, Christian Youth Activities
Full credit to Thames Valley Police for listening to my story , for following up and coming back to me for a statement. ( They had found other historic allegations against Colin and one recent one ) Armed with my statement they were able to interview him but due to the depth of the enquiry that was needed bearing in mind he had worked with children almost continually for 40 years released him on bail pending further enquiries.
But typical of this breed of person whilst on bail he hung himself. Even at the end he took the cowards way out , and myself and the other victims will not be able to see him face justice in court.
Yet I have to live on with the legacy of knowing that he messed up my life for all these years and even now , whilst he is at peace I have to shoulder my responsibilities for my error of ways with my former employer.
As a matter of pride I have to make good to them , I sincerely hope that they will accept my apology as well and that I may be given the opportunity to repent and move on with my life and be given the opportunity to really be a good Dad & husband & son and brother to the people who I let down so badly.
My thanks to my family for their support , to my true friends who have stood by me and to the staff at Royal Cornhill Hospital for the magnificent support and councelling they have given me.
Meanwhile one legacy lives on the inability to sleep at night and the reliance of the Airwaves ! Without that diversion I find it impossible to relax and slip into a natural sleep. Forty years on when I wake up there is a channel cut across my cheek where the ear piece cable has dug in during the night. I have moved on from music stations however as I find music very emotive and if the wrong tune comes on at the wrong time it would set me back from my sleep pattern so more recently I have relied on the Talk Shows on the Radio they have been a real help in me eventually getting some much needed slumber in the evenings.
Some people ask if I will ever forgive , Colin I hope in time that I may forget ..but forgive ? I dont think so
_________________
Although Im casting my mind back almost 40 years I remember it as if it was yesterday , waking up in his bed and not realising what was happening or how I got there I must have looked alarmed as he hugged me and said Dont worry Im just like a second Dad to you
Those words ring so hollow in my mind now , that is my earliest recollection of the man who told us to call him Uncle Colin the man that was to take control and screw up my life for the best part of 40 years.
How dare he compare himself to my Dad. He had duped my parents into thinking he was a caring child friendly lodger when he came to stay with us in my parents guest house in the early 60s.
I can still remember the green candlewick bedspread , the wooden bureaux and the bowl that always contained gold wrapped Butterscotch and bars of that dark Bournville chocolateand the stench of the deodrant or after shave he wore. Four decades on all of these memories still put a shiver down my spine.
Befriending my parents he would offer to collect me from school or take me on trips around Edinburgh , it would have appeared so normal just the kind of trip a real Uncle would take his nephew on but Colin would use these trips as opportunities to explore his sexual fantasies.
The acts he performed on me , and made me perform on him were beyond anything I wish to discuss here but suffice to say that they were totally degrading , disgusting and perverted. As time went by and I became aware that this was not normal activity for my new found Uncle I mentioned on several occasions that I would tell my parents he would go all moody and threaten me , even suggesting that he would tell them it was my idea!
Emotionally he forced me into a corner where I felt too weak to fight back , I didnt have the courage to argue and with hindsight I can now understand that my little body was no match for his physique .i so wanted to tell , to yell , to scream for it to stop. He would get mad and at times would force his whole body weight down on my chest or throat.
Seeing this naked man scowling , and leaning over me hurting me and forcing me into submission left me with a legacy of bad memories that even now I can not fully come to terms with. For decades I have been unable to relax at the dentist as the image of Colin flashes back to my brain as if it was only yesterday that is him, that is Colin leaning over me as I lie on the dentist chair. I know in my heart its not , but my head tells me different. Its a fear I have lived with and am desperately trying to put right now as my reluctance to visit the dentist has left me with many hygiene and cosmetic problems with my teeth.
But thats what Colin would have wanted , I recall how he would be always putting me down , telling me that no one would believe me and anyway no one would want someone with my round wire glasses and boyish looks as their friend. He had this uncanny knack of making you feel like the stuff that you trod in and try so desperately to wipe off the sole of your shoe.
I became scared of him , his threats but couldnt speak out. I would try to be anywhere but in his company I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house where my two Uncles lived as well. We would often go to their caravan at Loch Lomond and Loch Earn. I treasured those moments as every minute I was out of Colins reach was so precious.
The memories of Loch Lomond , Loch Earn and our frequent trips to Caithness to my other grandparents and Aunts & Uncles gave me a lasting taste for the countryside. It gave me a feeling of family security , the fields , the wind , the rain , the sun nature as it was meant to be and that total feeling of enjoying my innocence in safety.
Yet I would still have to go back to the danger zone , how I wish I had the courage back then to cry for help but this dominant man had my life under his control. In the evenings I couldnt sleep. I would borrow the most basic of transistor radios and an ear piece so I could listen to music to help me sleep at night , Pete Murray & Desert Island Discs ring a bell , that was the only way then and even now that I can go to sleep in the evening.
These people have no idea just how much of a controlling influence they place on their victims lives. For me though there was one major event which had a very big negative impact on my life.
Colin invited a little boy up to our house in Edinburgh from his home village of Little Staughton in Bedfordshire. Glenn and I became good friendswhen I visited Colin at Bedfordshire I would spend much of my time playing with Glenn , and one day whilst playing in the brook at the bottom of Colins parents garden Glenn told me that Colin had been abusing him and threatening him.
We talked for hours , two wee boys comparing notes and comforting each other. Glenn like me so wanted to tell his family but if my memory serves me right he had a step dad who he was wary of and didnt want to upset him. So we agreed that it was best that we didnt say anything at that stage.
One year Glenn returned South and not so long afterwards we received a phone call at my parents house telling us that Glenn had been murdered. I remember the exact location in the house where I stood on the stair and heard the news. I was devastated as knowing that Colin had threatened Glenn I felt ( and still do to this day ) that Colin had something to do with his death.
But if I was scared before I was doubly scared now that a similar fate might befall me if I was to disclose what was happening to me. So once again I buried the hurt , the pain and didnt tell anyone. It was beating me up inside as by now his acts on me were more frequent and painful. He didnt care if he hurt me , he had no scruples.
Sometimes he would take me from Little Staughton to Clacton or Great Yarmouth , he would book into a seedy motel and the pain game would go on. I recall with horror how he could sit in his car down at the front in Great Yarmouth. Cars would be parked either side , people would be walking past the car.and he would be doing things to me , or making me do totally degrading things to him whilst people would be walking past.
In particular I remember one such event where he hurt me badly , I was crying , people were walking past but they didnt know. I wanted to shout Help but couldnt.
I can still smell the aroma of soggy cheese and tomato sandwiches which had gone all squiggy in the Summer hear and looking down at the ashtray and seeing a half opened melted Butterscotch sweet stuck to the dashboard.
Perhaps one of the most degrading things however was in these motels he would perform his acts , and make me do likewise to him.but there was no love , no emotion. After he had finished he would switch on the television or radio or read a book leaving me feeling so dirty and unworthy.
I would go to the bathroom and lock myself in. The plan was to have a bath and cleanse myself and rid myself of his filth , but so often I would go in the bath and do the most horrible things , I would do A number 2 in the bath as my body just wasnt able to cope , it was giving inhow horrible , going to get cleaned up and through no fault of mine ending up bathing in my own mess.
That memory coupled with the tragic loss of Glenn was to have a major impact on my next 40 years. What Colin did made me feel like the scum of the earth. It took away so much of my ability to show true emotions , burying the truth yet wanting to shout out for so many years made lying easy. I suppose even in those early days I was developing my own coping strategies and ways of blotting out the abuse, the pain and the indignity that I suffered at his hands.
I went through life from that point on believing that I was a loser , that no one would want me and continually trying to prove myself , often this would involve buying things for others , and sometimes for myself it gave me a feel good factor to do things for others. Often I couldnt afford it..but like a stream meeting some new boulders in its path you find a way round to ensure that the current kept flowing.
This pattern existed throughout my schooling , and into my late teens. I got involved with the wrong people , hangers on who were your best friend when you had something to offer , but would be off in a shot as soon as you had nothing in it for them. But I was too blind to see this, turning away from real friends and getting hooked up with these hangers on.
At a time when you should be getting into relationships I didnt succeed. I had a very low self esteem and although I had many girl - friends didnt really have any girlfriends. I was too scared to go any further as the memories of Colins sordid acts made me feel not worthy , unclean a whole host of adjectives.
My way of trying to impress would be by buying friendship. It wasnt deliberate and to be honest it wasnt even done consciously it was just all part of my inbuilt survival mechanism.
I did get a great deal of pleasure from helping others and was involved with collections for the Earl Haig Foundation , Cheshire Homes and various other Charities. Helping others gave me a real boost , I never looked for a thank you or a pat on the backthe fact I had helped others and got positive feedback was more than sufficient reward.
Having left school as an academic failure I hadnt a clue what I wanted to do as a career. I had a brief spell at the Airport Shop in Edinburgh where I got the airfield buzz and subsequently left to get a job with a freight forwarder , a what ? As the girl who had first explained about the job described it Its like a travel agent but we send crates instead of people
I started off as an office junior , quickly discovered that I enjoyed the airfreight industry especially when I found that I was able to offer good service to clients and was getting positive feedback , so when the opportunity of a relocation to Aberdeen came into the equation it seemed like a dream come true. The chance to do what I enjoyed most and most importantly the opportunity to move away from the memories of Colin and Campbell Road. Yes it broke my heart to leave my family but I had to do something to rid myself of the flashbacks and constant memories of Colins acts.
The oil industry was ideal for freight forwarding, fast moving and demanding. I soon moved up from clerk to supervisor to Branch Manager.
Things were starting to look up for the no hoper as Colin had branded me. With the exception of freight forwarding the only other area that I had succeeded in was with running a mobile disco. I loved playing the music and found that I had a good rapport with the guests.and quickly developed a very sold reputation as a function DJ.
Through this I met my wife to be , and at last life was starting to come together.I so wanted a family but although we tried for several years progress was not being made in this department ! The doctor told me there was nothing physically wrong with me and looking back I think it was the mental stress of the abuse memories that had been affecting me,
I was SO pleased when Sheila fell pregnant and couldnt wait to tell our Mums & Dads who were all itching to be Grandparents. Everyone was delighted but as time marched on I became scared.
Scared that what had happened to me might happen to my own children. I didnt know how to cope with it , and memories of Glenn and the abuse and a whole host of issues came flooding back.
Two very major events them impacted my life , I had briefly discussed the abuse issue with a friend Mark Cheyne who gave me the support and courage to tell Sheila i felt it was only fair to tell her as they say a problem shared is a problem halved.
I was hit with a double tragedy , Mark was drowned in a canoeing accident off the coast of Aberdeen and on the week I had planned to tell Sheila about the abuse her Mum was airlifted from Elgin to Aberdeen hospital and never regained consciousness
Sheila never had the chance to say goodbye to her Mum and her mum never saw the granddaughter which she longed for so much.
From that point on my coping mechanism went into overdrive, I spent and spent and spent trying to buy comfort and thinking that perhaps these things would make it look like I was a success at my job. In reality I was I had been given the opportunity of a lifetime to open the Aberdeen office for a major USA freight forwarder.
It was a dream come true. A dream on one hand a nightmare on the other. The work became addictive , rarely taking my holiday entitlementthe more wrapped up in work the more I became involved in my little fantasy world
The spending got worse , often it was to help others who had fallen on hard times. I wouldnt think about the consequences or legalities of bailing people out. And I would buy things that I didnt need it was looking back like some kind of comfort buying.
(It got even worse after my son was born as every time I looked at him I saw me and got terrible flashbacks and very vivid recollections of the abuse)
When the pain got bad I used to take my dog for long walks in the village. It helped me relax in the lovely countryside. I used to walk down a long farm track and stop under what locals called the picnic tree. I would sit and cry , Denver my Beagle would lick my hand or face and it would seem so much better agajn !
It was during these walks I discovered the old barn which I bought and converted as the family home. It seemed an ideal location to bring up my children in safety away from the mad world of abusers
All logical thought process went out of the window the gut reaction was to do what I felt needed done and no thought was given to the consequences.
However my horrendous debts got the better of me and as a result of my actions I lost my job.and so nearly lost my family and friends as well.
Im deeply sorry for my actions and wish so much that I had the courage to speak out earlier , but the denial of the abuse for such a long period of time had destroyed so much of my reality thought process that I got myself into such a mess.
I am not proud of what I did and would do anything to turn the clock back. The only bit I am proud about is that I had the courage to track down Colin via the internet. I will never forget the relief I felt when I finally located him on a Church website..i was shocked to find out that we was working in England in charge of Mother & toddler groups, Christian Youth Activities
Full credit to Thames Valley Police for listening to my story , for following up and coming back to me for a statement. ( They had found other historic allegations against Colin and one recent one ) Armed with my statement they were able to interview him but due to the depth of the enquiry that was needed bearing in mind he had worked with children almost continually for 40 years released him on bail pending further enquiries.
But typical of this breed of person whilst on bail he hung himself. Even at the end he took the cowards way out , and myself and the other victims will not be able to see him face justice in court.
Yet I have to live on with the legacy of knowing that he messed up my life for all these years and even now , whilst he is at peace I have to shoulder my responsibilities for my error of ways with my former employer.
As a matter of pride I have to make good to them , I sincerely hope that they will accept my apology as well and that I may be given the opportunity to repent and move on with my life and be given the opportunity to really be a good Dad & husband & son and brother to the people who I let down so badly.
My thanks to my family for their support , to my true friends who have stood by me and to the staff at Royal Cornhill Hospital for the magnificent support and councelling they have given me.
Meanwhile one legacy lives on the inability to sleep at night and the reliance of the Airwaves ! Without that diversion I find it impossible to relax and slip into a natural sleep. Forty years on when I wake up there is a channel cut across my cheek where the ear piece cable has dug in during the night. I have moved on from music stations however as I find music very emotive and if the wrong tune comes on at the wrong time it would set me back from my sleep pattern so more recently I have relied on the Talk Shows on the Radio they have been a real help in me eventually getting some much needed slumber in the evenings.
Some people ask if I will ever forgive , Colin I hope in time that I may forget ..but forgive ? I dont think so
_________________
