My Story
cyclebreaker
New Registrant
I need your perspective - I'm struggling with a lot right now. Here is my story:
During childhood, I was a victim of sustained emotional, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of caregivers and family members, including one of my parents. The abuse went on well into my teenage years. My mother was an alcoholic, my father was mentally ill and a drug addict, my stepfather was physically and emotionally abusive. My mother was constantly sexually inappropriate and my father (whose career was as a bouncer at strip clubs) had 19 year old strippers living in our home during my adolescence. As a young adult, I was a full scale addict - drugs, alcohol, sexual perversion and violence. I had run-ins with the law over everything from violence to drugs to public indecency. For the latter I was arrested for exposing myself to adults and children during multiple drug-induced binges. I never touched anyone inappropriately, nor ever had the desire too, but I had very insecure and unhealthy sexual relationships with the girls I dated or hooked up with in college. I also fought constantly, a few times beating guys up so bad they were hospitalized. I was full of rage and was a prime example of how the cycle of abuse can permeate and control the life of a victim, leading them to abuse themselves and others. I was a case study in the victim statistics - 59% more likely to be arrested, 30% more likely to commit adult violent crime, 33% more likely to become a child abuser and 66% more likely to abuse drugs. At the time of my last arrest 12 years ago, I realized I could get help and threw myself at the mercy of the system - it was the first time in my life someone told me I could get help. Through years of intensive treatment with different counselors and at facilities, I was able to deal with my addictions and disorders. It was a tough road to recovery that cost me a ton of money, which I didn't have because I came from a low income background. Our health insurance system was so antiquated that the services I needed were not covered. Once I was on my way to recovery, I became angry that so many other survivors never get any sort of constructive intervention and our healthcare system was so pitiful with respect to mental health treatment. Today I am a healthy father, husband and Christian, and I wake up every day hoping to contribute in some way to breaking the awful cycle of abuse.
My current question relates to my status in the world today. I've been through tons of therapy with others with drug and alcohol addictions, sexual compulsions and destructive behaviors but I've never had contact with other male survivors of abuse, and I still harbor guilt about my own abuse, especially when I'm reminded of what a terrible person I was as a young adult. I'm being forced to face my own mistakes, but I know that isn't what defines me. Neither does my victimization, but I can't seem to come to terms with either. I've been healthy for 12 years and I know I'm a good husband and father, but I can't help feeling like I'm a bad person because of what I did and what was done to me.
I welcome your candid perspectives.
During childhood, I was a victim of sustained emotional, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of caregivers and family members, including one of my parents. The abuse went on well into my teenage years. My mother was an alcoholic, my father was mentally ill and a drug addict, my stepfather was physically and emotionally abusive. My mother was constantly sexually inappropriate and my father (whose career was as a bouncer at strip clubs) had 19 year old strippers living in our home during my adolescence. As a young adult, I was a full scale addict - drugs, alcohol, sexual perversion and violence. I had run-ins with the law over everything from violence to drugs to public indecency. For the latter I was arrested for exposing myself to adults and children during multiple drug-induced binges. I never touched anyone inappropriately, nor ever had the desire too, but I had very insecure and unhealthy sexual relationships with the girls I dated or hooked up with in college. I also fought constantly, a few times beating guys up so bad they were hospitalized. I was full of rage and was a prime example of how the cycle of abuse can permeate and control the life of a victim, leading them to abuse themselves and others. I was a case study in the victim statistics - 59% more likely to be arrested, 30% more likely to commit adult violent crime, 33% more likely to become a child abuser and 66% more likely to abuse drugs. At the time of my last arrest 12 years ago, I realized I could get help and threw myself at the mercy of the system - it was the first time in my life someone told me I could get help. Through years of intensive treatment with different counselors and at facilities, I was able to deal with my addictions and disorders. It was a tough road to recovery that cost me a ton of money, which I didn't have because I came from a low income background. Our health insurance system was so antiquated that the services I needed were not covered. Once I was on my way to recovery, I became angry that so many other survivors never get any sort of constructive intervention and our healthcare system was so pitiful with respect to mental health treatment. Today I am a healthy father, husband and Christian, and I wake up every day hoping to contribute in some way to breaking the awful cycle of abuse.
My current question relates to my status in the world today. I've been through tons of therapy with others with drug and alcohol addictions, sexual compulsions and destructive behaviors but I've never had contact with other male survivors of abuse, and I still harbor guilt about my own abuse, especially when I'm reminded of what a terrible person I was as a young adult. I'm being forced to face my own mistakes, but I know that isn't what defines me. Neither does my victimization, but I can't seem to come to terms with either. I've been healthy for 12 years and I know I'm a good husband and father, but I can't help feeling like I'm a bad person because of what I did and what was done to me.
I welcome your candid perspectives.
