My story with my ex

[wisdomhages]

so this is my story So i (M23) met my ex (F21) last year june and after 3/4 months of knowing each other got drunk i was intoxicated to the point i was dizzy, nauseous, not much conviction when i speak and my strength was like below 50, her tolerance compared to mine is high so she was more functional than me. She gets on top of me and starts engaging with me sexually from what i remember it gets a bit/too much the dizziness gets worse and i voice my discomfort but she keeps going.Then i feel something thats wasnt her , it was an object , im not saying what it is cos its too embarassing. even writing all this feels surreal. even though drunk i was alarmed 'whats that' and 'no' from my memory i push it away but she keeps going im telliung her ' i feel like im gonna be sick' 'i cant' i mightve said please but im not using quotation marks cos im not surer eventually she stops n sais something like ' i guess ill let you rest now' the whole ordeal from when i clocked the object was prolly 10 mins or so. the next day i was walking around the area she lives both of us. i remembver feeling so zoned out and not necessarily in reality , 'i remember thinking 'did that rlly happen' , ' is this the will of my life and this is my person' . felt like something deeply weird happened the night before but it was what it was . within a couple days i think we spoke about it briefly she was saying how she felt bad cos i think her self reflection clocked how weird it was and stuff and how the alcohol made her get that way and i just minimised it cos she felt bad and brushed it .I buried this memory so deep that life went on like it never happened but i think these things that we bury affect us in all aspects of our lifes even if we consciously dont know how, After 7/8 months of constantly being with each other , bickering, talks of marriage,pregnancy scares, on & off and me ending the relationship at times with what happended not being in my head at all , just felt overwhelmed and couldnt juggle her and my studies and she was too much for me. which she wouldnt understand cos she felt like it was me abadoning her or leaving after an argument. ive been feeling so much confusion for months and i didnt know which way was up or down but just kept going to the point where i just couldnt anymore and last month mentally crashed and wanted to disappear fr , so i did for 3 days and i was contemplating it just feels like everytime i tried leaving the relationship a new story was being span about me not saying im a saint but ik something wasnt addidng up about how im this or that and even i questioned whether im being mean or abadoning her until these past two weeks i hadnt spoken to her and i remembered that night and genuinely looked at it and tried figuring out what it was and im still slightly confused , i keep asking myself maybe its nothing , maybe im exaggerating , im the one that stayed around no ? and if it really is this why when i left the relationshio after that time there was so much beef and if she knew that she done this why would she minimise it as much as i did if it really was serious ? why when we break up she has so much to say about me ? but i dint even remember this til recently and i wouldnt bring it up anyway she painted a picture but i feel like if this came out ppl wouldnt take me seriously and prolly think its a joke but is it serious ? what do i do now? no one knows this and i dont wanna share but my name is being ran through the mud

 

[Bluedogone]

what do i do now? no one knows this and i dont wanna share but my name is being ran through the mud

Hi @wisdomhages

Welcome. I'm sorry you've had to go through such a tortuous experience, and hope the resources here at MS help you make progress with your healing. Even though each survivor's story is unique, there always seems to be a single thread throughout - it doesn't matter how deep you try to bury your abuse, it eventually must be acknowledged and dealt with.

It's good that you refer to your abuser as "ex" I hope for your own well being that will be the final result. When I was about your age, I had an "affair" (Yes, it was known as that so long ago) in which she broadcast to everyone she could think of, the details of an embarrassing sexual episode we had. Very humiliating, but I brushed it aside and we went ahead and married. Big mistake. Two weeks after we married I went into the Army and shipped out about 1,000 miles from home. It didn't take long before I had a letter or two from friends who were only too happy to tell me of the latest tales she had spread only the previous week.. To my relief, we were divorced four months later and by the time I was discharged, everyone I knew seemed to have forgotten the gossip. There were two takeaways from this: 1) If one is willing to spread embarrassing details about you before marriage, there's no reason to think marriage will change all that. 2) About the only way to handle embarrassing stuff is to realize it will eventually dry up, and in the meantime you must prove to yourself and everyone else that the stuff they're saying is not who you are.