My story (triggers)

[redman]

I thought I'd stop lurking, say hi and send my best wishes to everyone.

It's difficult to know what to say or not to say.

My problem started from being different (I have temporal lobe epilepsy and I may have ADHD (inattentive form) as well).

Being different always made me stand out from my peers in school and this made me a target.

So for 18 months or so (started aged 13) I was sexually abused by my peers in front of over 20 classmates, often several times a week.

They were two girls my age and I won't repeat what they did, I refuse to even think about it.

Increasing withdrawal from social life, agoraphobia and paranoia.

2 failed suicide attempts later, aged 32, I am stronger and this was all a lost memory until last year age 31 when I spoke to a man on the net with a nearly identical experience. Then I had a flashback and nightmares off and on ever since.

I resigned myself to always being single a long time ago as my skin is hyper-sensitive and I can't stand being touched, maybe the abuse is why, maybe the epilepsy, so that is not a problem at the moment as it is irrelevant (relatively speaking).

Stress at work, fatigue, builds up, then I suffer from nightmares again, depression, usually followed by an epileptic fit (simple-partial or tonic-clonic).

I'm just rambling at the moment as I do not know what to do from here and I'm fairly inarticulate.

It's also hard to talk about.

I saw a counsellor and this achieved nothing whatsoever.

None of this brings any kind of emotional response from me at all, no feelings whatsoever apart from the moments when I wake up from a nightmare and find myself in tears, curled up on my bed.

I feel humiliated, about what happened, that I permitted two girls to do what they did, that I feel nothing, totally emotionless, apart from the nightmares and the (thankfully rare) flashbacks.

I feel like I'm p***ing in the wind, that I'm just different, a freak because of my disability and my problem with ADHD, I'm just too confused and this has left me shaking my head with it and reaching for the beer.

I wish you all the best,

Redman.

 

[Mike Church]

Redman I can see your pain.

I am 64 and was diagnosed with ADHD absolutely 3 months ago. Ime on 80mg of ritalen and effexor and welbutrin. It has calmed me down a lot. My Pdoc suggested that because of the ADHD my abuse was quite traumatic. Who knows. I do know that there is a way out of the hole. I buried it for 40 years until I was 56. Three suicide attempts and 8 years of therapy and I am now starting to live like I was meant to.

Stick with us and start down the road.

 

[FLRich]

Redman,

Welcome to Male Survivor. Please stay a while! I came here a year ago this month, after keeping my SA suppressed for over 30 yrs. I am now in therapy and am feeling a lot better. The truth be known, I don't think it is so much the therapist as it is the great guys here on this site. They are totally accepting of me. I know that I am not alone and that whatever I tell them, they will not make me feel dirty, weird, guilty, or ashamed. Share with us, Redman! I have found while helping myself, I occasionally help others. You can do the same!

 

[redman]

Thanks for the welcome guys.

A long time for a reply, I know, but there's been a lot happening (possible Aspergers Syndrome diagnosis, but maybe personality disorder, GP seems a bit hesitant and I don't care anymore).

Flashback the other week, and a tonic-clonic seizure a few weeks back.

Disturbing dreams. Humiliation, hate, being abused again, all happening in my sleep.

I guess this is all why I ignore the piece of meat my mind lives in and concentrate on cerebral matters like my studies, learning, computer programming, poetry.

The problem is I have reached a brick wall. I don't know where to go from here. I am stuck in a rut of paranoia and an almost avoidant personality style.

I don't even feel anything about what happened anymore, just empty again like I'm looking at it from a Mr Spock point of view.

 

[desvelar]

hey dude welcome. ok here is what I think you should us so that we can help you. for me the more I tell people the better I feel. I dont wqant to push you to say anythig that might affect you in a bad way I am just saying it help me alot. You could start out by pming me if you want and you dont have to.

 

[Ike]

After reading these entries, I must admit I feel a little better. I am on oxygen, take blood pressure and antidepressant medication, am obese and have arthritis. I have been in and out of counseling and the hospital since age 36 (age now 51); however, discussion of sexual abuse only began about 2 years ago paralleling the partial distruction of my home and complete distruction of my 2000 Ford F150 by harricane Isabelle. About 7 months ago I found it necessary to file for bankruptcy. Yep, one of those sorry people that take advantage of big businesses. I expect the whole U.S. economy will collapse at any time now! I have been laying in bed pretty much for the last 2 weeks reading what different people have wrote like "why me?" and realized that this was never a question for me. Actually, that entry was where I was headed when I stopped here. I wanted to see how old the writer was, if mentioned, as this might explain the question. For me the abuse began at 2 and my grandfather explained it very simply, I could fulfill my purpose or die, he always made things so simple a child could understand it. Sense it was my purpose there is no question.

(Subject is changing - possible trigger)

I now realize that a trigger 2 weeks ago that has kept me mostly in bed sense then ties to a trigger in 1990 when my younger brother said he was sorry for lying to mama on many ocassions which caused me a great deal of pain. I learned, back then, not to try to assertain my offense as I gained no more information, but quite a bit more pain. The problem came when my brother used his scapegoat, me, when the goat wasn't there and wouldn't you know mama figured it out. I heard about what happened through my grandmother. Mother couldn't mention it of course sense she didn't make mistakes. Up until then I thought she had chosen me to let steam off on. Then I realized that what ever my little brother had told her she had believed without question. She did not even waste time accusing me. I was guilty, she knew it. All hope died within me and I surrendered completely. I just didn't care any more. Granddaddy could do what ever he wanted, he was anyway and I didn't care anymore. Anybody could do what they wanted, what difference did it make. After all we all knew I would always be guilty.

 

[redman]

***possible triggers***

After what happened in school, aged 13-14, I felt dirty. Unclean.

The thought of being touched by women apalled me. I viewed them (and still do to an extent) as vile, effete and hedonistic animals. Social parasites intent on gaining attention and social points regardless of the cost, and I admit I hated them.

I just have a cold, icy indifference to them now, still bordering on contempt and revuslsion.

Fornicating has never been a priority for me so I have no need for women.

I am hypersensitive too, and being touched is very uncomfortable from a physical and neurological point of view (rashes, itchy, almost painful).

It's certainly affected my ability to talk to people. I restrain myself to purely professional commentary and that needed to maintain amicable relationships in a professional environment. Social commentary is all scripted, stereotyped rubbish designed to make me invisible and keep peoples attention away from me.

Anyone who gets too close will start to exploit me and use my weaknesses as a weapon against me. I am aware this is irrational and I can accept that from an objective point of view but that doesn't give me that ability to control it. Not in the slightest.

I keep myself away from depression by studying, learning (all sorts from particle physics to computer programming) and losing myself reading fantasy novels.