My story TRIGGER WARNING
Hello. I am here at this site because my best friend told me that I need to talk to people who have gone through what I have gone through. She said that I need to try and reach a state of normalty. Like my life two years ago. I don't know what group I qualify in, as in sexual abuse, harrassment, or an encounter gone wrong. I don't know other peoples stories, all I know is that I am still having nightmares about my four encounters a little over a year ago. I am 17 years old. February of 2004 I had my first sexual encounter. We met in chatroom (evil chatrooms) and he just wanted to give me head, so I was young and weak, not full of confidance so I said why the hell not. The only problem was that I even considered going through with it. I just went forward with the plan, I got to his house and he turned on pornography and took off my pants, and gave me head. He was smoking. He smelled aweful, he was probably five years older than me. I just closed my eyes, stayed quiet and let it happen. When I got home my clothes smelled of tobacco. I can't stand it anymore when people smoke around me, that tobacco smell always brings back my memory of that first time. The second time was a person in a chatroom, and we talked for a couple months before I met him, so there was some sort of false familiarity. I went over to his house after my parents went to bed and we sat and watched t.v. and drank. I wasn't there more than five minutes before we were both in his room having sex. I didn't plan for that, I didn't want that, it was very uncomfortable, no protection, he was only a couple years older than me, he wanted to keep kissing me, I just wanted it to be over, I couldn't leave in the middle, I was too weak to say no. I closed my eyes, stayed quiet and let it happen. After it was done and he was asleep I left, still a little drunk, drove home, and I couldn't sleep that night, I was in too much physical pain. My third encounter was one of the bad, it was june by this time. I met again this person in a chatroom and talked a couple weeks before I was over at his appartment, he didn't look like his picture, they never look like their pictures. I couldn't leave, I didn't have that much will power in me, I felt that if I did it again, maybe i would feel needed, wanted, but it didn't happen. He was much older than me, probably 10 years plus. He put on some porn as soon as I stepped in the appartment and he locked the door. I just should have left, but I don't know what I needed, why I needed to stay there. The pornography was foreign, and most likely illeagle. He took off my clothes, I let him, he took off his clothes and I closed my eyes and let it happen. This was more painful than the last time. Physically I couldn't do it. But I didn't have the power to stop then. When it was over, I left on the brink of tears, I got into my car and vomitted, I drove home and vomitted some more, I couldn't sleep for a couple days, 3 hours at the most each night. I vowed never to have sex again, because it was just too emotionally, physically, and mentally traumatizing. But that july, the last straw was taken. I was at my neighborhood gym, and after working out I took my normal shower. I have been uncomfortable taking a shower nude, even though there were partitions in the shower area for privacy. So I was wearing a bathing suit. I was in the middle of my shower when I felt a guys erect penis behind me. He started to kiss my neck, and I let him, I let the uncomfort subside, I wanted to feel needed, to feel wanted, I let him do what he wanted. When he grabbed my penis, I got more uncomfortable. We had sex in the shower, unprotected again. I have never taken a shower there since. I have a hard time even going to that gym. I have had unprotected sex four times, four random people, three I approached, one was approached my, I want to say they were all out of my control, but as a human nothing should be out of my control. I am avoiding a lot of things that remind me of those times. I had a girlfriend(even though I am gay, I was in the closet at the time) and that summer she wanted to have sex, I said no, so she settled for me fingering her, this was after july, and I just wanted to sit there and watch the movie, but she took my hand and put it down her pants, and I did what she wanted me to do, I was on the brink of tears again because the physical contact was making me so nervous and uncomfortable. When she tried to touch any part of my stomach, I spasmed out of control, to the brink of anxiety attack. I cannot be touched, I cannot touch, I cannot get all of this out of my mind. I am avoiding life, I have no social life beyond my one good friend who I am here because of. I don't know how to move on because everything reminds me. That is my story, I said before I don't know what I am classified under, but that is what happened. I don't think I deserve sympathy because I brought this all on myself, I had choices and I made bad ones. I just don't know how to move on from here.
