My story (Trigger warning)

I've been a member of this group for a while now, posted a few times and chatted with some great men in the chat but mostly lurk. Today I've decided to share at least some of my story. I have attended therapy, I have relapsed, I have found myself doing self destructive behaviour that cost me my career, my integrity and almost my wife and family. While I feel time does heal I see the continued struggle and find myself struggling to not destruct on a daily basis - even on days that start of great and you'd think would be a fine day.

My story starts when I got engaged at the age of 21. I met her in school and a friendship built over the years we were together. In the 2nd year of school together it was very clear that I had feelings for her, the reality is I wasn't a very popular guy with the ladies growing up, only had a few girlfriends ever and most ended with them cheating and moving on, not uncommon for teens. She was nice to me, seemed to want to spend time with me, I liked it. As we got closer she told me she'd never date anybody she went to school with, she wanted to keep those parts of her life separate. Made sense to me and I was ok with that. When my best friend told me one day that he went out with her on the weekend and slept with her, the same guy she told was nice but was not at all attractive, it should have been a warning sign about the lieing and deceitful behavior. But I went on like nothing happened.

We started dating after school and in hindsight this is when her behaviour really started. Constant put downs, "putting me in my place", never being good enough, constantly critized. She'd be getting ready to go out on a Friday evening and I'd happily say "great where are we going?" to which she'd look at me and say something like "yeah cause I want to be seen out with you". Then she'd smile and say "just kidding". I could tell I wasn't wanted there but I went along, then as time went on I stopped as it was clear she didn't want me there. When she'd go out I'd no longer ask where we were going, and I started to have absolutely no thought that I was going too. I'd stay home while she went out with her friends. At our 6 month dating anniversary I was pressured by her and her best friend that she better be getting an engagement ring. The relationship was all I had ever known and I did feel pressure that if I didn't have this I may never have a relationship again and even though I know I felt something wasnt right I bought the ring and proposed. Shortly after becoming engaged I was sent out of town for work and would be travelling for the next 4 months with occasional weekends at home only.

On my first trip away I called her and her ex bf that I had met once was at our apartment . She gave me some story of how he was back in town and just needed a place to stay for a day. Told me I was acting stupid for sounding concerned and that she had to go. My first night away from my fiancée there was an ex lover at my apartment with her. I'd call every night after I was done work for the day and he was always there. I knew this wasn't right but again I just went along with it not wanting to create a fight with a person that is very difficult to have a fight with.

I'd get home and he'd be there. Just like before it would be Friday night, she'd get herself ready to go out and leave me there at the apartment. I'd to bed and she'd come home after the bars closed, probably 3am or so, with him. Drunk out of their minds. They'd come into the bedroom and lay on the bed and start having sex right beside me. I'd freeze, no idea what to do, and I'd lay there pretending to be asleep. The next morning he'd still be there, everybody acted like nothing happened and I wouldnt say a word.

As time went on they'd both get more aggressive. One night he reached over and slapped me, pulled my head over towards them and said "you're going to watch me fuck your wife". She laughed and tell him what to do, how hard she wanted and needed it. She'd start saying how much better he was than me, call me pathetic, too small to please her, things like this. I'd try to look away and he'd slap my face or pull me by the ear and make me watch.

The behaviour started to quickly escalate where he started to make me provide oral to him in front of her, she'd humiliate me and say things while he did whatever he wanted to do. Things continued to get worse where he started to rape me, a few times in front of her laughing the entire time about what a sissy bitch boy I was. He started to piss on me, he'd do anything to be in power. He was extremely well hung and they both loved humiliating me about the difference in our size. Then he started to assault me even when she wasnt there. He'd come over and pin me down and assault me in the bedroom, if I didn't just cooperate he'd choke me, many times until I passed out and I"d wake to him inside me laughing.

This male that came into my life completely dominated me and I found myself doing absolutely nothing about it. I froze. I'd just close my eyes, go off to some version of a "happy place" in mind and let him do what he wanted to do. When I did struggle he'd punch me, hurt me, choke me, tell me he could kill me if he wanted to, I just found myself cooperating to make it hurt less. There were times after he did things to me he'd go out into the living room and him and the wife would be on the couch naked together and they'd yell for me to get them food and drinks...and I did it. They'd laugh i'd come back and he'd have her giving him oral and they'd be laughing and making me watch. I'll never forget the time he had two hands around my throat choking me out and stared in my eyes and said "I want to look at your eyes while you die" and just choked me harder. As time went on I hoped he'd kill me just to end this.

If i locked the house when he did get in he'd make me pay for it. He started walking into the house when he felt like it, coming in the patio doors in the bedroom and using and humiliating me for his power and pleasure. I never knew when he'd show up and lived in a state of fear for years. I lost my friends, my connections to my family, I was completely isolated and just went to work and stayed home.

I was terrorized by the guy for years and then my wife got pregant and she told me she wanted to change and to be a good mom and suddenly he disappeared. I didnt know what happened, she never said, he just stopped showing up. I was terrified every day that he'd come back. Just after I had my first child he did come back one night, abused me hard including punching me in the testicles so hard I almost threw up and they swelled to the size of grapefruits and I pissed blood. He anally raped me and kept telling me that I'll never be a good enough man to please her, to be a father, to be anything. He left that night and I never saw him again but for years and sometimes to this day 20 years later, I still expect he's going to show up. I dont know where he is today, where he lives, is he alive, will he show up, will he come back for me?

I have struggled that I had a good childhood, a good family upbringing, and at 20ish years old I allowed myself to be terrorized by this woman and this man. Freezing, doing nothing, saying nothing, just allowing it to happen. I was old enough to protect myself, to walk away from that situation, to leave this woman and this marriage, but I didnt. I had a child, I told myself I had to stay, and at times I told myself "this is as good as my life is going to get". At times I almost felt that this behaviour of hers was just normal and I need to just be OK with it.

I stayed married to her for over 15 years before I finally left. There was a time during it I was going to leave and we had talked about it and suddenly she got pregnant with our second child and we both knew I was never going anywhere once that happened. By this point we had no relationship. We didn't talk, we didnt go out, we didn't have sex. I found myself going online to chat sites and spending hours finding people that would speak degrading and humiliating to me, just to somehow make me feel normal and ok.

It wasnt until I met my future wife that I have today that I realized and felt I actually deserved better, more, and finally made myself leave. The destructive behaviours of having to have myself degraded and humilated were gone, I didnt think about it, I didn't feel it.

Then as time went on I did a career change, life got difficult, we had a baby, and the ex-wife started to push on my buttons again about things like child support, living arrangements, etc. I guess the combination of the stress of life, the job I always wanted I was not enjoying at all and felt I made the wrong life decision to pursue it, and her constant pushing and mean hurtful comments, started to bring me back there. I went online and spoke to an individual that I knew I shouldn't have and had inappropriate conversations with her including getting her to send pictures. I stupidly had sent her a selfie of myself and then when she attempted to extort me and I stopped talking to her she reported me to my employer and they terminated me. My wife found out about what I did, felt betrayed as you'd expect, that I cheated, and for a long while it looked like this relationship, the only good one I've ever had, was going to be over.

We stayed together, got therapy, worked through some very tough times. However I hid my coping mechanism of going onto those chat sites and being treated like a piece of shit to feel better. She didn't know however a few times almost caught me which escalated everything as she instantly thought I was cheating on her. Again I tried therapy, tried to cope tried to deal. Again months later I went on and this time I stupidly used a picture of my wife's ex husband as my profile picture (he has the same name as my assaulter and therapist would suggest it was a way of seemingly trying to get back at my assaulter). The person I spoke to knew the ex, told him, and he called my wife telling me what happened. Again my relationship was almost over.

At that point I told my wife everything, what happened, what I do. She amazingly stayed and has helped me through it but I know I'm on very thin ice and can't do those self destructive things again. I don't sleep, I have terrible nightmares including where my wife and her ex and doing the things to me instead of my ex and her boyfriend. I can't stop thinking about my wife cheating on me, having sex with guys and humiliating me, treating me like absolute garbage. From comments made to me I cant help but believe my wife wants a more endowed man, a better man, a real man. Some days all I want to do is go on those sites and have someone degrade and humiliate me and I for some reason will feel better but my therapist showed me how that is self destructive and will spiral out of control again until I do something that ends my marriage, my family, and I'll have nothing.

I'm sorry this is so long, I never posted or spoke in any detail of any of this. And there's so much more, so much more detail that I just cant make myself type.

How can a 20yo allow this to happen to himself? And to live that way for so many years? Still to this day one email from my ex gets me on edge and makes me feel those things. I struggle daily but I'm proud that for 6 months, since my last slip up, I havent went onto any of those sites or done that behaviour again. I have terrible days, hard to cope and manage, but I've been able to fight through them. I just don't know if I can keep it up and some days when those feelings and thoughts start, and I fight them, and they come back stronger, and I fight them, and they come back stronger...I have to fight so hard to not give in and say to myself "ok 10 minutes on one of those sites and I'll feel better and continue on in my day". I know I can't do that.

Thanks for reading and listening

DamagedButNotDestroyed
 
I was also physically and sexually abused by my first wife. It's a very difficult thing to admit because as men we are never supposed to be domestic abuse victims, and plenty of people think that it simply CANNOT happen to men (cf. Amber Heard supporters). You did a really brave thing by getting it all down here.

I too spent many years wondering how it could have possibly happened to me. I spent a lot of time in therapy exploring it and I ultimately realized that there was nothing I could have done. My whole life was basically building towards my abusive situation and not being able to escape it. And yet, I was eventually somehow able to gather the strength to get out. And so did you.

Are you in therapy? That's the single most helpful thing I found for myself and I highly recommend finding an experienced trauma therapist to help you work through this nightmare.
 
Hi Strangeways and thanks for the response. I have been in therapy on and off for the past 3 years. I blocked all of this for 20 years, was numb to it all, and frankly felt I had escaped it until the incident happened a few years ago and I had to start to face what was going on. It reopened something that I had ignored and tucked away so deep that I thought it would never get out.

The therapist has helped but we still have a long way to go. I know it wasn't "my fault" but I still can't make sense why this happened, and how I let it happen like I did for so long. As the wound reopened I have found it very hard to not be angry and upset with myself as I should have stopped this and left the situation. It was like a fight or flight response and instead I froze, went numb and just dissociated myself from what was happening to me. I just wanted it over with as quick and painless as possible.

As I get these flashbacks, terrible memories and then turn to fears and thoughts of my current wife I truly fear that if my wife was to start to do the same would I let it happen again? I'm now in my 40s but I still cant answer that question with a definitive answer which scares me.
 
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You would not. You are a very different person now than you were then. In any case that's the type of question that ultimately doesn't do anything other than to rile you up for no reason - you stated that your current wife is a good person who would never act the way your ex did.

It looks to me that you may be doing a lot of mind reading of your current wife. That's very normal among us DV survivors, to try and anticipate problems before they happen. I do the same. However, as I think you know, that way also will lead to the end of the marriage. We owe it to our current partners to approach them as their own people, and not as a hangover from a previous relationship.

I wish you well, and I am always available for a chat.
 
I know you are right and I always feel terrible when I do that mind reading but as you say it does seem to be what us DV survivors do.
The logical side of my brain is able to tell me there's no reason to do this but the other side is persistent and wears me down some times. Every day can certainly be a struggle.
 

Matt78

Registrant
I am truly sorry that you went through that abuse and betrayal. I had a similar experience and similar reaction; freezing up. You are not alone.
 

GarryDex

Registrant
I've been a member of this group for a while now, posted a few times and chatted with some great men in the chat but mostly lurk. Today I've decided to share at least some of my story. I have attended therapy, I have relapsed, I have found myself doing self destructive behaviour that cost me my career, my integrity and almost my wife and family. While I feel time does heal I see the continued struggle and find myself struggling to not destruct on a daily basis - even on days that start of great and you'd think would be a fine day.

My story starts when I got engaged at the age of 21. I met her in school and a friendship built over the years we were together. In the 2nd year of school together it was very clear that I had feelings for her, the reality is I wasn't a very popular guy with the ladies growing up, only had a few girlfriends ever and most ended with them cheating and moving on, not uncommon for teens. She was nice to me, seemed to want to spend time with me, I liked it. As we got closer she told me she'd never date anybody she went to school with, she wanted to keep those parts of her life separate. Made sense to me and I was ok with that. When my best friend told me one day that he went out with her on the weekend and slept with her, the same guy she told was nice but was not at all attractive, it should have been a warning sign about the lieing and deceitful behavior. But I went on like nothing happened.

We started dating after school and in hindsight this is when her behaviour really started. Constant put downs, "putting me in my place", never being good enough, constantly critized. She'd be getting ready to go out on a Friday evening and I'd happily say "great where are we going?" to which she'd look at me and say something like "yeah cause I want to be seen out with you". Then she'd smile and say "just kidding". I could tell I wasn't wanted there but I went along, then as time went on I stopped as it was clear she didn't want me there. When she'd go out I'd no longer ask where we were going, and I started to have absolutely no thought that I was going too. I'd stay home while she went out with her friends. At our 6 month dating anniversary I was pressured by her and her best friend that she better be getting an engagement ring. The relationship was all I had ever known and I did feel pressure that if I didn't have this I may never have a relationship again and even though I know I felt something wasnt right I bought the ring and proposed. Shortly after becoming engaged I was sent out of town for work and would be travelling for the next 4 months with occasional weekends at home only.

On my first trip away I called her and her ex bf that I had met once was at our apartment . She gave me some story of how he was back in town and just needed a place to stay for a day. Told me I was acting stupid for sounding concerned and that she had to go. My first night away from my fiancée there was an ex lover at my apartment with her. I'd call every night after I was done work for the day and he was always there. I knew this wasn't right but again I just went along with it not wanting to create a fight with a person that is very difficult to have a fight with.

I'd get home and he'd be there. Just like before it would be Friday night, she'd get herself ready to go out and leave me there at the apartment. I'd to bed and she'd come home after the bars closed, probably 3am or so, with him. Drunk out of their minds. They'd come into the bedroom and lay on the bed and start having sex right beside me. I'd freeze, no idea what to do, and I'd lay there pretending to be asleep. The next morning he'd still be there, everybody acted like nothing happened and I wouldnt say a word.

As time went on they'd both get more aggressive. One night he reached over and slapped me, pulled my head over towards them and said "you're going to watch me fuck your wife". She laughed and tell him what to do, how hard she wanted and needed it. She'd start saying how much better he was than me, call me pathetic, too small to please her, things like this. I'd try to look away and he'd slap my face or pull me by the ear and make me watch.

The behaviour started to quickly escalate where he started to make me provide oral to him in front of her, she'd humiliate me and say things while he did whatever he wanted to do. Things continued to get worse where he started to rape me, a few times in front of her laughing the entire time about what a sissy bitch boy I was. He started to piss on me, he'd do anything to be in power. He was extremely well hung and they both loved humiliating me about the difference in our size. Then he started to assault me even when she wasnt there. He'd come over and pin me down and assault me in the bedroom, if I didn't just cooperate he'd choke me, many times until I passed out and I"d wake to him inside me laughing.

This male that came into my life completely dominated me and I found myself doing absolutely nothing about it. I froze. I'd just close my eyes, go off to some version of a "happy place" in mind and let him do what he wanted to do. When I did struggle he'd punch me, hurt me, choke me, tell me he could kill me if he wanted to, I just found myself cooperating to make it hurt less. There were times after he did things to me he'd go out into the living room and him and the wife would be on the couch naked together and they'd yell for me to get them food and drinks...and I did it. They'd laugh i'd come back and he'd have her giving him oral and they'd be laughing and making me watch. I'll never forget the time he had two hands around my throat choking me out and stared in my eyes and said "I want to look at your eyes while you die" and just choked me harder. As time went on I hoped he'd kill me just to end this.

If i locked the house when he did get in he'd make me pay for it. He started walking into the house when he felt like it, coming in the patio doors in the bedroom and using and humiliating me for his power and pleasure. I never knew when he'd show up and lived in a state of fear for years. I lost my friends, my connections to my family, I was completely isolated and just went to work and stayed home.

I was terrorized by the guy for years and then my wife got pregant and she told me she wanted to change and to be a good mom and suddenly he disappeared. I didnt know what happened, she never said, he just stopped showing up. I was terrified every day that he'd come back. Just after I had my first child he did come back one night, abused me hard including punching me in the testicles so hard I almost threw up and they swelled to the size of grapefruits and I pissed blood. He anally raped me and kept telling me that I'll never be a good enough man to please her, to be a father, to be anything. He left that night and I never saw him again but for years and sometimes to this day 20 years later, I still expect he's going to show up. I dont know where he is today, where he lives, is he alive, will he show up, will he come back for me?

I have struggled that I had a good childhood, a good family upbringing, and at 20ish years old I allowed myself to be terrorized by this woman and this man. Freezing, doing nothing, saying nothing, just allowing it to happen. I was old enough to protect myself, to walk away from that situation, to leave this woman and this marriage, but I didnt. I had a child, I told myself I had to stay, and at times I told myself "this is as good as my life is going to get". At times I almost felt that this behaviour of hers was just normal and I need to just be OK with it.

I stayed married to her for over 15 years before I finally left. There was a time during it I was going to leave and we had talked about it and suddenly she got pregnant with our second child and we both knew I was never going anywhere once that happened. By this point we had no relationship. We didn't talk, we didnt go out, we didn't have sex. I found myself going online to chat sites and spending hours finding people that would speak degrading and humiliating to me, just to somehow make me feel normal and ok.

It wasnt until I met my future wife that I have today that I realized and felt I actually deserved better, more, and finally made myself leave. The destructive behaviours of having to have myself degraded and humilated were gone, I didnt think about it, I didn't feel it.

Then as time went on I did a career change, life got difficult, we had a baby, and the ex-wife started to push on my buttons again about things like child support, living arrangements, etc. I guess the combination of the stress of life, the job I always wanted I was not enjoying at all and felt I made the wrong life decision to pursue it, and her constant pushing and mean hurtful comments, started to bring me back there. I went online and spoke to an individual that I knew I shouldn't have and had inappropriate conversations with her including getting her to send pictures. I stupidly had sent her a selfie of myself and then when she attempted to extort me and I stopped talking to her she reported me to my employer and they terminated me. My wife found out about what I did, felt betrayed as you'd expect, that I cheated, and for a long while it looked like this relationship, the only good one I've ever had, was going to be over.

We stayed together, got therapy, worked through some very tough times. However I hid my coping mechanism of going onto those chat sites and being treated like a piece of shit to feel better. She didn't know however a few times almost caught me which escalated everything as she instantly thought I was cheating on her. Again I tried therapy, tried to cope tried to deal. Again months later I went on and this time I stupidly used a picture of my wife's ex husband as my profile picture (he has the same name as my assaulter and therapist would suggest it was a way of seemingly trying to get back at my assaulter). The person I spoke to knew the ex, told him, and he called my wife telling me what happened. Again my relationship was almost over.

At that point I told my wife everything, what happened, what I do. She amazingly stayed and has helped me through it but I know I'm on very thin ice and can't do those self destructive things again. I don't sleep, I have terrible nightmares including where my wife and her ex and doing the things to me instead of my ex and her boyfriend. I can't stop thinking about my wife cheating on me, having sex with guys and humiliating me, treating me like absolute garbage. From comments made to me I cant help but believe my wife wants a more endowed man, a better man, a real man. Some days all I want to do is go on those sites and have someone degrade and humiliate me and I for some reason will feel better but my therapist showed me how that is self destructive and will spiral out of control again until I do something that ends my marriage, my family, and I'll have nothing.

I'm sorry this is so long, I never posted or spoke in any detail of any of this. And there's so much more, so much more detail that I just cant make myself type.

How can a 20yo allow this to happen to himself? And to live that way for so many years? Still to this day one email from my ex gets me on edge and makes me feel those things. I struggle daily but I'm proud that for 6 months, since my last slip up, I havent went onto any of those sites or done that behaviour again. I have terrible days, hard to cope and manage, but I've been able to fight through them. I just don't know if I can keep it up and some days when those feelings and thoughts start, and I fight them, and they come back stronger, and I fight them, and they come back stronger...I have to fight so hard to not give in and say to myself "ok 10 minutes on one of those sites and I'll feel better and continue on in my day". I know I can't do that.

Thanks for reading and listening

DamagedButNotDestroyed
 

GarryDex

Registrant
Some aspects of your abuse is similar to mine. I was abused sadisticly by an older woman (30's?) when I was 13. The degrading talk just so familiar. My abuser also used to tell me that no woman would want me. I don't know if that's the reason she gave herself to justify sodomising me as she called me a faggot. My abuse was over the course of 2yrs, it got to the point it was "normal " to me. After the conditioning I just went to her. I was aware of the humiliation and abuse that was involved but did it anyway.
I try to be gentle with myself but it is difficult. I've felt like you "Why didn't I run away? Why didn't I tell? What kind of person goes to the abuse or let's it happen over and over?" I struggle too.
Your are never alone here, unfortunately abuse by a female and/or male is not that rare. So you have people here who believe and validate you. We'll be here to talk to. Your not alone, that is so sad but also we understand the chaos and behaviors that go with it.

If you need to talk I'm in here almost daily.

Love and respect.
 
Yes he was enormous as well and made sure I was constantly feeling ashamed of myself and inferior compared to him. Not a real man, not man enough to please her, etc. That included doing things to me in front of her, having her say things to humiliate me like how much better he was, how I wasn't big enough to actually please her, and then when he would just do it directly to me without her there but continued to say the humiliating and degrading things that just made me feel worthless, insufficient and completely inferior.
 

Survivor78

Registrant
I've been a member of this group for a while now, posted a few times and chatted with some great men in the chat but mostly lurk. Today I've decided to share at least some of my story. I have attended therapy, I have relapsed, I have found myself doing self destructive behaviour that cost me my career, my integrity and almost my wife and family. While I feel time does heal I see the continued struggle and find myself struggling to not destruct on a daily basis - even on days that start of great and you'd think would be a fine day.

My story starts when I got engaged at the age of 21. I met her in school and a friendship built over the years we were together. In the 2nd year of school together it was very clear that I had feelings for her, the reality is I wasn't a very popular guy with the ladies growing up, only had a few girlfriends ever and most ended with them cheating and moving on, not uncommon for teens. She was nice to me, seemed to want to spend time with me, I liked it. As we got closer she told me she'd never date anybody she went to school with, she wanted to keep those parts of her life separate. Made sense to me and I was ok with that. When my best friend told me one day that he went out with her on the weekend and slept with her, the same guy she told was nice but was not at all attractive, it should have been a warning sign about the lieing and deceitful behavior. But I went on like nothing happened.

We started dating after school and in hindsight this is when her behaviour really started. Constant put downs, "putting me in my place", never being good enough, constantly critized. She'd be getting ready to go out on a Friday evening and I'd happily say "great where are we going?" to which she'd look at me and say something like "yeah cause I want to be seen out with you". Then she'd smile and say "just kidding". I could tell I wasn't wanted there but I went along, then as time went on I stopped as it was clear she didn't want me there. When she'd go out I'd no longer ask where we were going, and I started to have absolutely no thought that I was going too. I'd stay home while she went out with her friends. At our 6 month dating anniversary I was pressured by her and her best friend that she better be getting an engagement ring. The relationship was all I had ever known and I did feel pressure that if I didn't have this I may never have a relationship again and even though I know I felt something wasnt right I bought the ring and proposed. Shortly after becoming engaged I was sent out of town for work and would be travelling for the next 4 months with occasional weekends at home only.

On my first trip away I called her and her ex bf that I had met once was at our apartment . She gave me some story of how he was back in town and just needed a place to stay for a day. Told me I was acting stupid for sounding concerned and that she had to go. My first night away from my fiancée there was an ex lover at my apartment with her. I'd call every night after I was done work for the day and he was always there. I knew this wasn't right but again I just went along with it not wanting to create a fight with a person that is very difficult to have a fight with.

I'd get home and he'd be there. Just like before it would be Friday night, she'd get herself ready to go out and leave me there at the apartment. I'd to bed and she'd come home after the bars closed, probably 3am or so, with him. Drunk out of their minds. They'd come into the bedroom and lay on the bed and start having sex right beside me. I'd freeze, no idea what to do, and I'd lay there pretending to be asleep. The next morning he'd still be there, everybody acted like nothing happened and I wouldnt say a word.

As time went on they'd both get more aggressive. One night he reached over and slapped me, pulled my head over towards them and said "you're going to watch me fuck your wife". She laughed and tell him what to do, how hard she wanted and needed it. She'd start saying how much better he was than me, call me pathetic, too small to please her, things like this. I'd try to look away and he'd slap my face or pull me by the ear and make me watch.

The behaviour started to quickly escalate where he started to make me provide oral to him in front of her, she'd humiliate me and say things while he did whatever he wanted to do. Things continued to get worse where he started to rape me, a few times in front of her laughing the entire time about what a sissy bitch boy I was. He started to piss on me, he'd do anything to be in power. He was extremely well hung and they both loved humiliating me about the difference in our size. Then he started to assault me even when she wasnt there. He'd come over and pin me down and assault me in the bedroom, if I didn't just cooperate he'd choke me, many times until I passed out and I"d wake to him inside me laughing.

This male that came into my life completely dominated me and I found myself doing absolutely nothing about it. I froze. I'd just close my eyes, go off to some version of a "happy place" in mind and let him do what he wanted to do. When I did struggle he'd punch me, hurt me, choke me, tell me he could kill me if he wanted to, I just found myself cooperating to make it hurt less. There were times after he did things to me he'd go out into the living room and him and the wife would be on the couch naked together and they'd yell for me to get them food and drinks...and I did it. They'd laugh i'd come back and he'd have her giving him oral and they'd be laughing and making me watch. I'll never forget the time he had two hands around my throat choking me out and stared in my eyes and said "I want to look at your eyes while you die" and just choked me harder. As time went on I hoped he'd kill me just to end this.

If i locked the house when he did get in he'd make me pay for it. He started walking into the house when he felt like it, coming in the patio doors in the bedroom and using and humiliating me for his power and pleasure. I never knew when he'd show up and lived in a state of fear for years. I lost my friends, my connections to my family, I was completely isolated and just went to work and stayed home.

I was terrorized by the guy for years and then my wife got pregant and she told me she wanted to change and to be a good mom and suddenly he disappeared. I didnt know what happened, she never said, he just stopped showing up. I was terrified every day that he'd come back. Just after I had my first child he did come back one night, abused me hard including punching me in the testicles so hard I almost threw up and they swelled to the size of grapefruits and I pissed blood. He anally raped me and kept telling me that I'll never be a good enough man to please her, to be a father, to be anything. He left that night and I never saw him again but for years and sometimes to this day 20 years later, I still expect he's going to show up. I dont know where he is today, where he lives, is he alive, will he show up, will he come back for me?

I have struggled that I had a good childhood, a good family upbringing, and at 20ish years old I allowed myself to be terrorized by this woman and this man. Freezing, doing nothing, saying nothing, just allowing it to happen. I was old enough to protect myself, to walk away from that situation, to leave this woman and this marriage, but I didnt. I had a child, I told myself I had to stay, and at times I told myself "this is as good as my life is going to get". At times I almost felt that this behaviour of hers was just normal and I need to just be OK with it.

I stayed married to her for over 15 years before I finally left. There was a time during it I was going to leave and we had talked about it and suddenly she got pregnant with our second child and we both knew I was never going anywhere once that happened. By this point we had no relationship. We didn't talk, we didnt go out, we didn't have sex. I found myself going online to chat sites and spending hours finding people that would speak degrading and humiliating to me, just to somehow make me feel normal and ok.

It wasnt until I met my future wife that I have today that I realized and felt I actually deserved better, more, and finally made myself leave. The destructive behaviours of having to have myself degraded and humilated were gone, I didnt think about it, I didn't feel it.

Then as time went on I did a career change, life got difficult, we had a baby, and the ex-wife started to push on my buttons again about things like child support, living arrangements, etc. I guess the combination of the stress of life, the job I always wanted I was not enjoying at all and felt I made the wrong life decision to pursue it, and her constant pushing and mean hurtful comments, started to bring me back there. I went online and spoke to an individual that I knew I shouldn't have and had inappropriate conversations with her including getting her to send pictures. I stupidly had sent her a selfie of myself and then when she attempted to extort me and I stopped talking to her she reported me to my employer and they terminated me. My wife found out about what I did, felt betrayed as you'd expect, that I cheated, and for a long while it looked like this relationship, the only good one I've ever had, was going to be over.

We stayed together, got therapy, worked through some very tough times. However I hid my coping mechanism of going onto those chat sites and being treated like a piece of shit to feel better. She didn't know however a few times almost caught me which escalated everything as she instantly thought I was cheating on her. Again I tried therapy, tried to cope tried to deal. Again months later I went on and this time I stupidly used a picture of my wife's ex husband as my profile picture (he has the same name as my assaulter and therapist would suggest it was a way of seemingly trying to get back at my assaulter). The person I spoke to knew the ex, told him, and he called my wife telling me what happened. Again my relationship was almost over.

At that point I told my wife everything, what happened, what I do. She amazingly stayed and has helped me through it but I know I'm on very thin ice and can't do those self destructive things again. I don't sleep, I have terrible nightmares including where my wife and her ex and doing the things to me instead of my ex and her boyfriend. I can't stop thinking about my wife cheating on me, having sex with guys and humiliating me, treating me like absolute garbage. From comments made to me I cant help but believe my wife wants a more endowed man, a better man, a real man. Some days all I want to do is go on those sites and have someone degrade and humiliate me and I for some reason will feel better but my therapist showed me how that is self destructive and will spiral out of control again until I do something that ends my marriage, my family, and I'll have nothing.

I'm sorry this is so long, I never posted or spoke in any detail of any of this. And there's so much more, so much more detail that I just cant make myself type.

How can a 20yo allow this to happen to himself? And to live that way for so many years? Still to this day one email from my ex gets me on edge and makes me feel those things. I struggle daily but I'm proud that for 6 months, since my last slip up, I havent went onto any of those sites or done that behaviour again. I have terrible days, hard to cope and manage, but I've been able to fight through them. I just don't know if I can keep it up and some days when those feelings and thoughts start, and I fight them, and they come back stronger, and I fight them, and they come back stronger...I have to fight so hard to not give in and say to myself "ok 10 minutes on one of those sites and I'll feel better and continue on in my day". I know I can't do that.

Thanks for reading and listening

DamagedButNotDestroyed
My deepest sympathies for what happened. DamagedButNot Destroyed. I honestly felt as though I was reading something that was a fictional story as I could not initially believe it - but after reading all the way to the end I had to come to terms with this and believe it 100% as I would want the same for what happened to me.

The first question I'd have is the upbringing you were experiencing. What kind of environment you were in, and what kind of relationship your parents had? Surroundings, parents, grandparents, guardians and people of authority leave a lasting imprint that we don't realize usually until much later.....

When I approached my teens, I noticed something about my parents and why I took some bad paths which brought me to be sexually abused as an adult. It was my mother!

I became aware pretty early about her, seeing the reclusive nature of my Dad - he wasn't like the other Dad's. He would never raise his voice at her, never fought back - just complied every damn time. My mother had dozens of people under hear thumb, young to old, even older than her! Much of what we perceive as a "true" female is derived from the mother...

So my question to you, is what your mother was like? Was she similar? Did you have a mother and father in your household? Did you have anything in your childhood to present women as the ones with all the say, control and authority? Because after reading your experience and how you seem attracted to belittlement makes me wonder if your father was treated in the same manor?
 
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Survivor78

Registrant
You would not. You are a very different person now than you were then. In any case that's the type of question that ultimately doesn't do anything other than to rile you up for no reason - you stated that your current wife is a good person who would never act the way your ex did.

It looks to me that you may be doing a lot of mind reading of your current wife. That's very normal among us DV survivors, to try and anticipate problems before they happen. I do the same. However, as I think you know, that way also will lead to the end of the marriage. We owe it to our current partners to approach them as their own people, and not as a hangover from a previous relationship.

I wish you well, and I am always available for a chat.
...couldn't have said it better myself. Sounds like you have a good wife @DamagedButNotDestroyed

 

A Person

New Registrant
I've been a member of this group for a while now, posted a few times and chatted with some great men in the chat but mostly lurk. Today I've decided to share at least some of my story. I have attended therapy, I have relapsed, I have found myself doing self destructive behaviour that cost me my career, my integrity and almost my wife and family. While I feel time does heal I see the continued struggle and find myself struggling to not destruct on a daily basis - even on days that start of great and you'd think would be a fine day.

My story starts when I got engaged at the age of 21. I met her in school and a friendship built over the years we were together. In the 2nd year of school together it was very clear that I had feelings for her, the reality is I wasn't a very popular guy with the ladies growing up, only had a few girlfriends ever and most ended with them cheating and moving on, not uncommon for teens. She was nice to me, seemed to want to spend time with me, I liked it. As we got closer she told me she'd never date anybody she went to school with, she wanted to keep those parts of her life separate. Made sense to me and I was ok with that. When my best friend told me one day that he went out with her on the weekend and slept with her, the same guy she told was nice but was not at all attractive, it should have been a warning sign about the lieing and deceitful behavior. But I went on like nothing happened.

We started dating after school and in hindsight this is when her behaviour really started. Constant put downs, "putting me in my place", never being good enough, constantly critized. She'd be getting ready to go out on a Friday evening and I'd happily say "great where are we going?" to which she'd look at me and say something like "yeah cause I want to be seen out with you". Then she'd smile and say "just kidding". I could tell I wasn't wanted there but I went along, then as time went on I stopped as it was clear she didn't want me there. When she'd go out I'd no longer ask where we were going, and I started to have absolutely no thought that I was going too. I'd stay home while she went out with her friends. At our 6 month dating anniversary I was pressured by her and her best friend that she better be getting an engagement ring. The relationship was all I had ever known and I did feel pressure that if I didn't have this I may never have a relationship again and even though I know I felt something wasnt right I bought the ring and proposed. Shortly after becoming engaged I was sent out of town for work and would be travelling for the next 4 months with occasional weekends at home only.

On my first trip away I called her and her ex bf that I had met once was at our apartment . She gave me some story of how he was back in town and just needed a place to stay for a day. Told me I was acting stupid for sounding concerned and that she had to go. My first night away from my fiancée there was an ex lover at my apartment with her. I'd call every night after I was done work for the day and he was always there. I knew this wasn't right but again I just went along with it not wanting to create a fight with a person that is very difficult to have a fight with.

I'd get home and he'd be there. Just like before it would be Friday night, she'd get herself ready to go out and leave me there at the apartment. I'd to bed and she'd come home after the bars closed, probably 3am or so, with him. Drunk out of their minds. They'd come into the bedroom and lay on the bed and start having sex right beside me. I'd freeze, no idea what to do, and I'd lay there pretending to be asleep. The next morning he'd still be there, everybody acted like nothing happened and I wouldnt say a word.

As time went on they'd both get more aggressive. One night he reached over and slapped me, pulled my head over towards them and said "you're going to watch me fuck your wife". She laughed and tell him what to do, how hard she wanted and needed it. She'd start saying how much better he was than me, call me pathetic, too small to please her, things like this. I'd try to look away and he'd slap my face or pull me by the ear and make me watch.

The behaviour started to quickly escalate where he started to make me provide oral to him in front of her, she'd humiliate me and say things while he did whatever he wanted to do. Things continued to get worse where he started to rape me, a few times in front of her laughing the entire time about what a sissy bitch boy I was. He started to piss on me, he'd do anything to be in power. He was extremely well hung and they both loved humiliating me about the difference in our size. Then he started to assault me even when she wasnt there. He'd come over and pin me down and assault me in the bedroom, if I didn't just cooperate he'd choke me, many times until I passed out and I"d wake to him inside me laughing.

This male that came into my life completely dominated me and I found myself doing absolutely nothing about it. I froze. I'd just close my eyes, go off to some version of a "happy place" in mind and let him do what he wanted to do. When I did struggle he'd punch me, hurt me, choke me, tell me he could kill me if he wanted to, I just found myself cooperating to make it hurt less. There were times after he did things to me he'd go out into the living room and him and the wife would be on the couch naked together and they'd yell for me to get them food and drinks...and I did it. They'd laugh i'd come back and he'd have her giving him oral and they'd be laughing and making me watch. I'll never forget the time he had two hands around my throat choking me out and stared in my eyes and said "I want to look at your eyes while you die" and just choked me harder. As time went on I hoped he'd kill me just to end this.

If i locked the house when he did get in he'd make me pay for it. He started walking into the house when he felt like it, coming in the patio doors in the bedroom and using and humiliating me for his power and pleasure. I never knew when he'd show up and lived in a state of fear for years. I lost my friends, my connections to my family, I was completely isolated and just went to work and stayed home.

I was terrorized by the guy for years and then my wife got pregant and she told me she wanted to change and to be a good mom and suddenly he disappeared. I didnt know what happened, she never said, he just stopped showing up. I was terrified every day that he'd come back. Just after I had my first child he did come back one night, abused me hard including punching me in the testicles so hard I almost threw up and they swelled to the size of grapefruits and I pissed blood. He anally raped me and kept telling me that I'll never be a good enough man to please her, to be a father, to be anything. He left that night and I never saw him again but for years and sometimes to this day 20 years later, I still expect he's going to show up. I dont know where he is today, where he lives, is he alive, will he show up, will he come back for me?

I have struggled that I had a good childhood, a good family upbringing, and at 20ish years old I allowed myself to be terrorized by this woman and this man. Freezing, doing nothing, saying nothing, just allowing it to happen. I was old enough to protect myself, to walk away from that situation, to leave this woman and this marriage, but I didnt. I had a child, I told myself I had to stay, and at times I told myself "this is as good as my life is going to get". At times I almost felt that this behaviour of hers was just normal and I need to just be OK with it.

I stayed married to her for over 15 years before I finally left. There was a time during it I was going to leave and we had talked about it and suddenly she got pregnant with our second child and we both knew I was never going anywhere once that happened. By this point we had no relationship. We didn't talk, we didnt go out, we didn't have sex. I found myself going online to chat sites and spending hours finding people that would speak degrading and humiliating to me, just to somehow make me feel normal and ok.

It wasnt until I met my future wife that I have today that I realized and felt I actually deserved better, more, and finally made myself leave. The destructive behaviours of having to have myself degraded and humilated were gone, I didnt think about it, I didn't feel it.

Then as time went on I did a career change, life got difficult, we had a baby, and the ex-wife started to push on my buttons again about things like child support, living arrangements, etc. I guess the combination of the stress of life, the job I always wanted I was not enjoying at all and felt I made the wrong life decision to pursue it, and her constant pushing and mean hurtful comments, started to bring me back there. I went online and spoke to an individual that I knew I shouldn't have and had inappropriate conversations with her including getting her to send pictures. I stupidly had sent her a selfie of myself and then when she attempted to extort me and I stopped talking to her she reported me to my employer and they terminated me. My wife found out about what I did, felt betrayed as you'd expect, that I cheated, and for a long while it looked like this relationship, the only good one I've ever had, was going to be over.

We stayed together, got therapy, worked through some very tough times. However I hid my coping mechanism of going onto those chat sites and being treated like a piece of shit to feel better. She didn't know however a few times almost caught me which escalated everything as she instantly thought I was cheating on her. Again I tried therapy, tried to cope tried to deal. Again months later I went on and this time I stupidly used a picture of my wife's ex husband as my profile picture (he has the same name as my assaulter and therapist would suggest it was a way of seemingly trying to get back at my assaulter). The person I spoke to knew the ex, told him, and he called my wife telling me what happened. Again my relationship was almost over.

At that point I told my wife everything, what happened, what I do. She amazingly stayed and has helped me through it but I know I'm on very thin ice and can't do those self destructive things again. I don't sleep, I have terrible nightmares including where my wife and her ex and doing the things to me instead of my ex and her boyfriend. I can't stop thinking about my wife cheating on me, having sex with guys and humiliating me, treating me like absolute garbage. From comments made to me I cant help but believe my wife wants a more endowed man, a better man, a real man. Some days all I want to do is go on those sites and have someone degrade and humiliate me and I for some reason will feel better but my therapist showed me how that is self destructive and will spiral out of control again until I do something that ends my marriage, my family, and I'll have nothing.

I'm sorry this is so long, I never posted or spoke in any detail of any of this. And there's so much more, so much more detail that I just cant make myself type.

How can a 20yo allow this to happen to himself? And to live that way for so many years? Still to this day one email from my ex gets me on edge and makes me feel those things. I struggle daily but I'm proud that for 6 months, since my last slip up, I havent went onto any of those sites or done that behaviour again. I have terrible days, hard to cope and manage, but I've been able to fight through them. I just don't know if I can keep it up and some days when those feelings and thoughts start, and I fight them, and they come back stronger, and I fight them, and they come back stronger...I have to fight so hard to not give in and say to myself "ok 10 minutes on one of those sites and I'll feel better and continue on in my day". I know I can't do that.

Thanks for reading and listening

DamagedButNotDestroyed
This is my first time ever posting anything on this website, but after you sharing this, I just want to say thankyou for sharing it, and that I connected emotionally to a lot of what you wrote. Your story spoke to me deeply in whatever happened to me in my life (I'm being pretty vague).

I wish you success in everything you do to feel good, and I respect your struggle.
 
My deepest sympathies for what happened. DamagedButNot Destroyed. I honestly felt as though I was reading something that was a fictional story as I could not initially believe it - but after reading all the way to the end I had to come to terms with this and believe it 100% as I would want the same for what happened to me.

The first question I'd have is the upbringing you were experiencing. What kind of environment you were in, and what kind of relationship your parents had? Surroundings, parents, grandparents, guardians and people of authority leave a lasting imprint that we don't realize usually until much later.....

When I approached my teens, I noticed something about my parents and why I took some bad paths which brought me to be sexually abused as an adult. It was my mother!

I became aware pretty early about her, seeing the reclusive nature of my Dad - he wasn't like the other Dad's. He would never raise his voice at her, never fought back - just complied every damn time. My mother had dozens of people under hear thumb, young to old, even older than her! Much of what we perceive as a "true" female is derived from the mother...

So my question to you, is what your mother was like? Was she similar? Did you have a mother and father in your household? Did you have anything in your childhood to present women as the ones with all the say, control and authority? Because after reading your experience and how you seem attracted to belittlement makes me wonder if your father was treated in the same manor?
My father worked away a lot and my mother was definitely the head of the household and you did not cross her. While a very loving woman and she'd do anything for anybody she was very firm and you listened to her. I don't recall much fighting between them ever but as she has aged i have noticed that my father is incapable of really caring or providing for her at all. I never saw him belittle her but I can't be certain. Certainly when my first wife, gf at the time, started to be that way towards me it didnt ring any alarm bells or seem "off" to me.
 

Survivor78

Registrant
My father worked away a lot and my mother was definitely the head of the household and you did not cross her. While a very loving woman and she'd do anything for anybody she was very firm and you listened to her. I don't recall much fighting between them ever but as she has aged i have noticed that my father is incapable of really caring or providing for her at all. I never saw him belittle her but I can't be certain. Certainly when my first wife, gf at the time, started to be that way towards me it didnt ring any alarm bells or seem "off" to me.
The reason I ask is because for years I felt something was up with my mom. I always had this gut feeling about her, like she was playing people like puppets. She was so sophisticated that she could have all her negativity's absolved by diverting all the attention to other people as the problem and as convincing and manipulative as she is - people would play along. My mother also presented herself as the most "caring" and "nurturing" type who had a grasp on lots of peoples lives in the neighborhood and in the family when in all reality I realized this was more about her control and image than anything else.

I became very distant from her at an early age, while my brother fell right into her "spell" if you will. I had a fire in me from her overbearing and controlling nature that was burning for years and years. Anyways, long story short, I started talking to a therapist and found that I was talking about her more than I was about the individual who drugged and assaulted me in my early 20's. Before I ventured into therapy, I told my Dad about this and he advised "don't bring your mom into it" which I knew right away, was a push by her. My question to her is "well if you're such an amazing parent, shouldn't you invite criticism and questioning with a professional?"

When I mentioned this to the Therapist, red flags immediately went up for both of us. Anyways, long story short - I believe she is a Covert Narcissist and a very good one at that. I realized why anytime I would see a friend or stranger pulled along by strings by a women, I'd get angry. I remember one time an old friend from 20 odd years ago, had one of those gold digging manipulative types controlling him like a mere rag doll and I picked up on that and called her out right in her face. She came and give me a slap which I welcomed. I said, "go ahead, I know who you are b***!" She left shortly after that and I think I saved that friend from any more damage, as who knows what could have happened if he continued that "relationship". He didn't get mad at me, because I think he needed a wake up call and someone who really cared.

My question to you is, if you were so involved with this girl to the point of marriage, where the hell was your mother? As you said, your father was the bread winner (like mine) and responsible for bills and keeping a roof over your head (busy all the time), while your mother was the main person in the house following your every step and watching your every move. Being a father myself, and taking the role of the caregiver, I tell you this much - if you were my son, I'd be honing in on your abuse FAST because I believe proper parents have that instinct. Some choose to use it and have a sit down and adult to adult chat, and others choose to ignore it and continue with their "image" as the best parent on the block. My mother would be the latter. I discovered that my lack of boundaries and assault was directly linked to her parenting - and I believe now that she did not care about the results of her parenting as she would always insist "I did this and that for you and taught you better and blah blah" without any self reflection. Anything good was a direct result of her parenting, while anything bad was a direct result of me. Black and White thinking. I realized many of the bad things that happened to me were a result of her when it came to lack of boundaries, and I feel strongly that she does not really care what happened to me in regards to my sexual assault. In fact, I fell right into her "world" if you will. The deranged part of these Covert Narc types is they'll fool you into thinking they are the last person you'd blame, when in all reality they should be the first. After 20 years of trying to overcome my sexual assault, I had finally wanted to tell someone and guess who that was? My mother - and it wasn't long after that I felt this pain in my gut and anger. I went to a online therapist and one of the first words out of my mouth was "I don't trust my mother".

Anyhow, after talking to the therapist and noticing 90% of the conversation was about mother, I quickly cut her from my life and haven't looked back since. As a matter of fact, I get incredibly furious when I think of her because I feel she stole part of my manhood, strength, potential, individuality and dignity. The most debilitating part of all this, is the pull these kind of people have on so many. They will make you believe you are the problem when you see their true colors.

After eliminating her, the reaction was all too familiar. There is no remorse other than "how dare he, he's the problem". This is what she's always done. The projection is so sophisticated that all her wrong actions will be put forth on YOU and you will believe it. That is why I don't even talk to her at all as she can manipulate the situation in her favor very fast and absolve herself of any wrong. When I started coming down with these realizations I became more connected with my father, who has been screaming on the inside all these years, wanting someone to understand what he was going through. To endure this first hand all these years with everyone under her spell, would be maddening to say the least. It's a bit of a weird situation as I still call and talk to him separetly. Interestingly enough, he's pretty good about it all. I think it's a breath of fresh air having someone in his corner, understanding his situation. I do however, stay careful and not discuss her much. If I do I always state facts and stay stern that I am not intending to demonize.

There are a few things that I remember throughout my life concerning my Mother that put all the pieces together. For one, she used my disadvantages (minor dislexia which I later grew out of) and other shortcomings as a place to dance around. I thought of this as a caring and nurturing approach but later realized otherwise. She does this with many people and those who are frail, feel drawn to her as she's the "listening voice" who will help you. Everyone wants that - especially those who do not have many people to reach out to. What I felt strong about and realized is that it always resulted in self grandiose, stories to tell her circle, and most importantly - control. This always benefited her and the image more than anyone else. She was the benefactor.

I honestly think my assault that happened was a perfect result of her parenting - which she pats herself on the back for discretely. One thing that really resonating with me was my Dad admitting a similar thing that happened to him - which he NEVER told her. Isn't she supposed to be the trusted partner? He knew that it could be used against him and so he remained silent.

So the big question for me is : Did you have a conversation with your mother about this abuse? What was her reaction? What is your gut reaction if you did have this conversation? If your mother had so much say in the household, this would essentially eliminate your father from having intervention (as it did mine).

I'd be interested to hear your story......
 

Survivor78

Registrant
My father worked away a lot and my mother was definitely the head of the household and you did not cross her. While a very loving woman and she'd do anything for anybody she was very firm and you listened to her. I don't recall much fighting between them ever but as she has aged i have noticed that my father is incapable of really caring or providing for her at all. I never saw him belittle her but I can't be certain. Certainly when my first wife, gf at the time, started to be that way towards me it didnt ring any alarm bells or seem "off" to me.
@DamagedButNotDestroyed : I was asking you if your mother was belittling (not your father). This is what my mother did - EXACTLY the same. You would never see her as the culprit and she would have people look to others as the 'problem'. There was once a time when I was upset about a situation that my Dad handled very poorly, putting my brother and I in danger. It traumatized me and naturally I went to my mother to express these concerns as that's what everyone is trained to do. What she did was first character assassinate my father saying "he's insecure and has problems", then she character assassinated me saying "he's an ungrateful son and you know your father is really great". She was using this situation as a self grandiose tactic, as she made us both look like fools and her the ever loving mediator just trying to make life better for everyone! She pit my Dad against me, and also told all her friends about me being the ungrateful son. The end result was patting herself on the back and creating the facade, that she was putting all the pieces back together. Interestingly enough, she has always been the one disassembling the pieces and then putting them back together!

Here is what you said after I asked about your mother : "i have noticed that my father is incapable of really caring or providing for her at all. I never saw him belittle her but I can't be certain. Certainly when my first wife, gf at the time, started to be that way towards me it didnt ring any alarm bells or seem "off" to me."

This is what I was "trained" to do - protect the mother at all costs.

My father was the one working all the time, then coming home and basically not having any say. Never argued or fought back........

I just wonder if a male is manipulated by a girlfriend to a point where he's getting tossed around and assaulted, would this male have grown up in a household that has a similar female dominance?
 
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