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Hello everyone, I am new here and just wanted to share my story in order to get it off my chest and share with people who can understand. For context, I am currently 23-years-old.

I guess the first sort of unwanted sexual experience took place when I was 8. I was bending over in the playground and suddenly felt someone smack my behind very hard, and it really hurt. I was stunned and immediately stood upright and looked around. There was this 13-year-old girl, one of the popular girls, standing behind me. She was the one who smacked my behind. Her female friend was standing next to her, giggling. The girl who had just smacked me raised her index finger, as if she was scolding me, and said in a very sexual tone, "naughty boy!". I had never interacted with her before, and I just backed away and walked off, shocked. The physical pain was the main thing that really bothered me as she had smacked me very hard, and also the age gap seemed massive at that age; I was still quite innocent as an 8-year-old, and I didn't really know how to process the situation.

When I was 12, there was this boy in the year who I was friends with, but he was messed up as he had parents who emotionally abused him, and also he was exposed to violent pornography at around the age of 9 or 10. When I was 12 and he was 13, I guess he enacted a lot of violent sexual fantasies on me; for example, he would often pinch my buttocks very hard, and on several occasions he choked me in the changing rooms, like literally cutting off my air so I couldn't breathe, and then letting go before it got to a dangerous point. That stuff really bothered me, especially the choking as I felt very scared when it was happening as I was trying to breathe but couldn't, but I tried not to think too much of it as most of the time we got along, and he passed it off as a joke, even though it was harming me. There was one occasion where he and another boy in the year cornered me in the toilets, threw me on the ground and choked me. That was very frightening for me, and I did report that to the school, which led to those two boys being suspended from school for a week.

At the end of the school year, everyone was in a classroom together just hanging out and talking, as there were no more exams. He was sitting at a table, and I was standing in front of the table with my back to him. Suddenly, I felt a very sharp and intense pain in my anus, and the feeling of a hard, pointy object inside there. It was in there very deep and I could feel it being pushed with great force, through my trousers. That's one of the sharpest pains I've ever experienced. The insertion lasted several seconds, and then whatever was pushed into my anus was taken out. I turned around and he was sitting there grinning, with a pencil in his hand. He started smelling the pencil, and remarked "ah, smells of crap!" while continuing to smell it, still grinning. Another one of my friends who was sitting next to him started laughing and making fun of me, saying that I don't wear deodorant (I did and still do). It was such a humiliating experience. The feeling of being violated, my body intruded upon in that invasive and very painful manner, and then it being used to humiliate me for others' entertainment.

That experience knocked my self-esteem a lot, and I'm only really processing it now. I hate the fact that after it happened and my friend made fun of me, I just sort of laughed along with it to try and not make a big deal out of it and move on without being humiliated further, when inside I was absolutely raging. I have very intense feelings of anger that I keep bottled up, often intertwined with violent sexual fantasies (that I would never ever carry out). I suppose never being in a relationship or being able to connect with girls is probably related to those experiences, especially the classroom sexual assault, as I think girls regard me as hideous, unclean, a freak. I don't hate the guy who carried it out or my friend who laughed at me; the whole school environment was messed up, and the guy who assaulted me was messed up due to his own experiences. I just have a lot of unchanneled rage and long for some kind of physical and psychological safety, that I'll probably never get.

Anyhow, thank you for letting me share. It feels good to finally tell people.
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