My Story ***Trigger*** PT 1


My story starts in the early 90's in High School. I was a small framed kid, 118 lbs when I Graduated. Guys would always call me gay even though I didn't think I was. I had never been with a guy or even wanted to. I did once see a friend's morning wood, and that was weird. We just laughed it off and never changed in the same room again. Back to the story, my senior year of high school I joined the delayed entry program for the Army to get away from everything.
I left for basic about two weeks after graduation in July 93. Went through Basic training and AIT without a hitch. In I lost virginity in AIT and ended up with two different women. So you can see a not all my memories of the Army sucked. After AIT I went to my first duty station in Korea, half my class went there too. There I meet my battle buddy, and we went all over the country looking up friends from AIT. On one of our trips we took a friend, who was a mechanic and twice my size. His name was J. So the day started out riding a train further south. When we arrived on post I found my out my buddies were in the field. No big deal, so we went down town and got hammered. Being that my buddies were in the field we had to get a hotel room. I had met a girl and left my two friends in the room. I went to back to the bar and she was no where to be found, so I went back to the room. The room had a full size bed in it and a small couch. My buddy was was on the couch and J was on the bed. J said just lay beside me and stay on your side. I thought nothing of it and slipped down to my draws. I got woke up when Jay had put my dick in his mouth, almost has soon as I woke up he covered my mouth, so not to make a noise. I was frozen not knowing what to do. He then started shoving his finger in my ass. Next thing I know was he was on top of me stuffing his cock in my ass. All I did was cry from the pain. When he was done he told me to keep my mouth shut or else and rolled off of me and went to sleep. I was scared and did sleep the rest of the night. The next day he acted like nothing had happened. When we got back to our base I was like did that happen or was it a dream. The following day J told me to come to his room, i was scared but did what he told me to. Sorry I will have to finish later I feel like I'm about to cry.


My anxiety is through the roof and can't calm down. My meds are not working. I'm stuck at my desk, feel like im about to flip out.
Just keep breathing. We read your story and none of us has freaked out. You're safe here. It wasn't your fault and it is possible to move beyond that experience and what followed. You're among friends here.


I have calmed down some, but it really never goes away. When I got to J's room he closed and locked the door. J had no room mate, so it was just me and him. He told me that if I ever said anything that he would call me a lair and that I came on to him. He said everyone would believe him because he looked my manly than I did. I thought he was right because all name calling from highschool. He told me that I told he wouldn't be so gentile next time, if I thought of telling anyone it was going to be a lot worse. I felt trapped and no where to go. He told me from now on when he wanted me, he said he would buy alcohol and invite others over. I was to get hammered and lay down on his spare bed until everyone left. He would tell everyone I could stay there and sleep it off. He told me if I helped him get off he would help me like good friends would do. Once everyone left he would tell me what to do. I can't remember how many times that year I went there, but I did what he wanted me to do. Some nights he would fuck me, some he would want me to suck him off like a good boy. He even wanted me to fuck him, but I couldn't keep an erection. I remember everything about him and what he made me do. Right before my battle buddy pcs'ed I told him what had been happening and he said I was faggot and that there was no way J would be one. He said that he would tell J what I said and I begged him not. As far I I know he never did. J continued to use me until the last day I was there. He even said he loved me. When I got on the plane I was so happy, I thought it was over.
When I got to my next duty station I couldn't forget what had happened and so I just drank. Im pretty sure I stayed drunk most of my twenties. I got turned in by my commander because he thought I was a DUI candidate and had to go to AA meetings weekly for months.
I got married when I was 23 and had my first of there kids the next year. For some reason I kept thinking about him and what he did and how lost I felt. After my first child I started trying to find men to get off with and then when we finished I felt like shit. I was confused about my sexuality and still am today even though I don't find men attractive at all. After my youngest son was born I was content with my life and only lived for them. I had stopped meeting guys and was going to try and forget my past. I told my now ex wife what had happened and what I did. She got pissed and told me I was gay and that she hated me. After that night we fought all the time, it seemed I could never be happy. I started to think about killing myself . I was already on meds for anger issues and anxiety. I had to take meds to sleep has well. I figured I would just take a couple sleeping pills on my way to base and just fall asleep. That way it would look like an accident and my kids would still get my SGLI. I even tried one pill to see how sleepy I would get while driving. That moment I knew I needed help. I call Army One Source and got an appointment. He talked to me for a while but I never told him about J. He asked to speak with me wife. We got in an argument in the office, that night I started sleeping in the spare room. I met a guy in a park who was demanding like J, we met a couple times. The difference between him and J was he did want me to do anything but get me off. I still felt like crap everytime he got me off. One night he got drunk and told his wife about me. She wanted to meet me and I did eventually. Not long after that I was divorced and out on my own.
The couple stopped talking to me and I started having one night stands with whomever I could find online. I still felt empty inside. Now in my late 30's I was alone and retired from the military.
Someone I knew asked me if I knew anyone that cut grass, because their husband was deployed. I gave the couples number because they cut grass for a living. Next I know is now we were hanging out again. This time we all was hooking up. Now I had my cake and was eating too. That didn't last long because me and guy got into it. I had fallen in love with his wife and she loved me too. He ended up giving up and divorced her after he told his whole family what was going on. A few weeks later I married his ex at the court house. I have not been with a guy or actively looked, but I have got off to some gay porn.
Now my sons are growing up and I'm afraid they might end up like me. I can't even think without seeing J's face the first time he was on top of me. I think my life as forever been changed. I'm not sure what to do. I told the therapist and my wife what happened. My wife seems to understand some, but I have never got into details. The VA said I have PTSD. How do I stop this cycle of consent crap in my head. I'm on more meds than ever. Mostly for depression, anxiety, and sleep meds. I just sometimes want it all to end. Which brings back falling asleep at the wheel of my car again. The only thing stopping me is the shit I would put my love ones through. I seem not to be able to keep up with my wife sexual anyone, without the blue pill. That makes fill less than a man. The therapist wants me to go to an in house place, I tell him what I think he wants to hear to stop that. I now work on post and have this sharp board right beside my desk. It's driving me crazy. I cry all the time, my wife ask if I'm ok. I tell her whatever o think she wants to hear. I keep getting physically sick to the stomach, my I twitches all time.
Sorry I started rambling.


I am sorry all of this happened to you, you are among brothers here. If you are considering self harm, please call for help. Nothing J did to you is YOUR fault. The imprinting that had on you sexually is why you act out with subsequent men. As sad and sick as it sounds, that is familiar and to a degree comforting for you. It's what we do and what we know but it doesn't have to be that way. It's a tough climb back from it, with proper counseling and support. You served our country (thank you for that btw) and you can serve yourself now...… Prayers.
“You are not alone. It was not your fault. It is possible to heal. It is not too late.”

Those words are on the front panel of the Male Survivor website. As Brennan says, you are among brothers here and we will gladly support you as you unpack your history of trauma. You've been carrying it by yourself long enough. Sharing it here is the beginning of healing since it is the truth that will set us free. Yes, the shame can be great, the confusion a constant companion, but neither defines who you are or where this all will lead. So please be gentle with yourself and if you don't already have a counselor please consider that. It should be someone familiar with trauma since that is what you're dealing with here. It is possible to heal... it is not too late. Glad you found us.
Rw I, too, was subjected to MST when I was only 17. I get you and my heart breaks for you. Especially being in the military. These are guys we rely on to have our backs in combat and this kind of betrayal shatters that trust.

It fucked me up, but I got assigned to a different platoon and so it never happened again. But it haunted me throughout my military career.

I am SO proud of you for coming forward with this. And no, you are no longer alone, soldier!

The VA offers a training thing called Dialectical Behavioral Training. It did amazing things for me. Talk to your VA shrink if you have one.

Again, so sorry what happened to you. And thank you for your service!