My story (possible triggers)

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My story (possible triggers)

moment_of_depth

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So, the long and short of it. When I graduated from high school I knew that I wanted to work on simulators for the military. I ended up going to one of the most prodigious art schools in the US to do so. I’m not really an artist so I had to learn to fake it to make it there. One of the projects was a city sky line painting with water colors, so I decided to go out in the early hours of the morning and paint since the lighting wouldn’t change at night. I found an empty park with a view that was good enough, sat down and painted. I ended up seeing a girl wandering around the park taking photos of different things and struck up a conversation with her. We ended up talking all night until the sun rose. That still remains a good memory of her despite what she did to me.

We were friends for a while and then we started to get closer still. I was dating another girl at the time so I had reservations about going to her apartment and being alone with her, but she had a persuasive personality. Obviously she wanted to be more than friends; I said no but she didn’t like that. I’ve spent more than a decade doing martial arts and hand to hand fighting for various security jobs and services and I’m not a small guy but it doesn’t matter when they’re swinging from you lap. I’ll spare you’re the rest of what happened as your imagination is probably better than my memory at this point. I ended up sleeping for more than 2 days without waking up after I got back to my dorm. I didn’t end up going to a doctor or hospital to be diagnosed but I mostly likely had a traumatic brain injury based off of all of the symptoms I’ve had over the years.

She ended up finding me after that to let me know that she had video of us together. She threatened to take it to the police and claim that I attacked her. She threatened to send it to family and church if I didn’t do what she wanted. She leveraged it to force me to break up with the other girl I was with and start dating her. She owned me after that and only added more videos and pictures to the first.

I was with her for 2 years. I never missed a class or was late for a project, but when I wasn’t at school I was hers to do with as she pleased. She ended up being physically abusive as well under the delusion of calling it BDSM. She just liked to hit me and it was a convenient excuse for her. Her favorite was hot glue sticks as she had been told that they don’t leave bruises. Unfortunately that is under the assumption that you are just lightly\moderately spanking someone on the rear with the glue stick, not beating someone with all of your might. She loved hitting my legs for some reason. She liked to count out loud how many times she was going to hit me and if I flinched or moved, she would hit again in the same spot as hard as she could and restart.

She was a deviant in every since of the word. She loved porn. It wasn’t just a way for her to get turned on, it was her bible of things to try and do. I’ve spent most of my life on the net so I’ve seen a lot of porn over the years, but I still haven’t seen anything like what she regularly watched regularly. She was never content to keep watching or doing the same thing for long, she always needed to try something new.

I don’t know how to explain it but she wanted to control every facet of my life, what clothes I wore, who I was with, what I ate. I was a doll to dress up and play with. She would take me on dates to restaurants all over the city. I didn’t have to pay, but that was fine for her because it meant that I had to pay it off to her. She had to be the one driving any time we went anywhere. I was her pet and prize and she treated me as such. She would show me off to her friends and let them do what they wanted too. Thankfully none of them really did anything to me.

College was the only escape for me so I spent every waking hour that I could at school. The computer labs were open 24/7 so I spent literal days in that building. Of course she’d pay me back for it on the weekend. When that started I would drive every weekend back to my parent house for a day or 2 only to drive back Sunday night so I could be in class Monday morning. I tried my best to make myself totally unavailable to her, but she would still find time more days than not for us to meet for a few hours. The longer I stayed away the worse it was for me. If I did stay away to long she would message me about who she was going to send the videos and photos too. When that started to get stale for her, she would call me after self-harming and beg me for help her and then blame me for hurting herself. Toward the end she would threaten suicide if I wasn’t there when she wanted me.

As much as I want her to be evil, she wasn’t always. I would have to honestly say she could be one of the kindest warmest people I have ever known, and she played that charm well. She was easily one of the most thought full of gift givers in the world. She was the only girl who made me feel desired, the only one who complimented me, the only one who spent time to build me up. Toward the end I came willingly when she messaged me. I fell in love with her and asked her to marry me. That night was the last time I have ever seen or heard from her.

Turns out I was her toy and she didn’t like that I had the balls to ask for what her man wouldn’t. She ghosted me, even moving out of her apartment without saying anything. For over a week I didn’t know what happened to her. I started asking around the city to some of her friends who told me what happened. Apparently the friend thought I was the one she had gotten engaged too. Once it became obvious that I wasn’t the one with her any more, the friend cut off contact with me as well. Like I said in the introduction, turns out I was her boy toy, and she was done with me.

I destroyed everything that she had ever given me. I removed every trace I could find. I made sure that there was nothing to remind me of what happened. And then I pretended that it didn’t happen, and made sure it stayed that way for as long as possible. A few years ago I started to remember what happened and tried to just burry it again, but like everyone knows, I just didn’t stay buried. I didn’t have the finances to start therapy then so I started looking at self-help books and online support but nothing seemed to help too much. I thought I was making progress and I was getting to be in a good place. I even started dating, but it turns out I’m still good about lying to myself.

It was the little things; putting my arm around her during a movie, lying next to her on the bed, even thinking of kissing her or just having her mouth on me. All these little things brought back memories that I didn’t even know where there. They weren’t overbearing memories; it’s not like a PTSD flashback, but it’s uncomfortable to be with the person you love and have such evil thoughts burst into your mind. We are Christians so I didn’t even try for sex, but I fear what memories I will find there.
I ended up telling my then girlfriend about the memories, this started a fight about me having feelings for my ex. Things continued along until it was apparent that we wouldn’t work and she ended up leaving me. I hate my abuser even more now for taking this from me. Even after all these years she is still screwing with my life.

I never did go into military simulations; I am still utterly burned out from that entire field of work. It was the one thing I could do to stay away from her so I spent every hour I could use it to hide. All that schooling, work, and effort for something that I want nothing to do with. I guess I can add it to what she’s cost me.
 
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