My story, Please tell me how to make it stop!!!!!
[TRIGGER WARNING--- GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT]
Well this is my first post and I wanted t0 tell my
story. Over there past several years, a lot of bad
memories of my childhood have come back. I mean, I
seemed to have remembered stuff that I guess I had
buried somewhere long ago for no good reason I can
think of. I'm really having a hard time with trying
to come to grips with things over this and need
advice on where to go/what to do. The memories that
have come back to haunt me deal with the abuse was
done to me as a child by both of my parents.
It all started when I was about 4 or 5 I guess from
what I can remember. I was an only child at the time.
My father worked nights and my mom, like others at
the time was a stay at home mom. I remember very
vividly now how she would lay on the bed with nothing
on or no panties on exposing herself to me. She would
have me put my fingers in her and I guess, get her
off or something. I remember her having me do this
quite a lot. I don't remember ever thinking that this
was a bad thing or anything at the time. My mom was
kind of like a big playmate to me rather than being a
mom. She was pretty screwed up I guess as I found out
later on. Anyway, she and my dad had a lot of
problems and she ended up leaving when I was 5 and
had just started kindergarten. She left when my dad
was at work and left me home alone. After she had
been gone an hour or so, she called my grandmother
from somewhere and told her to come and get me.
Anyway, I lived with my grandmother for a few years
until I was 8 and they got remarried cause she was
pregnant. During the time they were divorced, they
still seen each other and I would be with both of
them at my fathers house over the weekends. Kind of a
strange relationship. I just remember them doing a
lot of drinking and fighting is all. I also have a
lot of memories of this time being very bad. I
remember being told to go to bed and it would be late
at night on a Friday or Saturday night. They would
both be drinking very heavily and like I said,
fighting and arguing. Many times my "Uncle Rich" or
"Uncle Butch" would be over at that time as well. I
can still hear my mother screaming and crying all
night as my father and his friends raped her and beat
her pretty good. I can still hear her crying out "Get
off of me and Why are you doing this and so on and so
forth. This shit would go on all night
and every weekend the whole time they were divorced
which was about 3 years. I never mentioned this to my
grandmother about was going on during the weekends
and all. My mom did end up getting pregnant and she
and my father got remarried when I was 8. After they
got remarried, as I said my mother was pregnant. My
father was still working nights yet and my mom would
have me sleep with her. Normally, no problem. But I
can still remember her asking me if I knew where
babies came from and how it happened etc and so
forth. We would talk about it and she would explain
things when I had a question.She was about 4 months
along at this point cause I can remember her belly
just starting to get bigger. Again, so far nothing
out of the ordinary. This happened quite a lot through the next month or
so. As I said, I was 8 at the time. I thought it was
pretty cool at the time. Wow what a cool mom I
thought. It seemed to end about as quick as it
started. My brother was born and then things were
pretty normal for a few years until I turned twelve.
During this time, my father had not drank and was on
the wagon from what I know. I also had a sister come
along when I was 10 also. Anyway, as I said, things
were normal until we moved when I was 12. After
moving, they started to bowl in a Friday night league
and would get home late, usually around 11pm. They
would stay after and have a few drinks and would come
home pretty ripped. I can remember thinking at the
time that I wished my dad would not drink. And then
things started up again with the drinking and
fighting on Friday and Saturday nights. I can
remember my father yelling up the steps and making me
come downstairs. I was
forced into doing this a lot until right before I
turned 14. It was at this time that I finally had the
nerve to stand up say no. I couldn't before because
he was so damn threatening and mean and had
threatened to beat my mother of she did'nt do it and
had also threatened me as well. "If you don;t want to
see your mother get hurt, you'll do this" he'd say.
So like a spinless idiot, I'd go along with it. The
bad part is that in a sick sort of way, I really
enjoyed having sex with her all these times. Hell I
was a young man and having sex with a real woman so
again, in a sad way, I did enjoy it somewhat despite
the circumstance and all. Anyway, like
I said, I put my foot down around the time I turned
14 and would'nt have sex with her. But the weekend
fighting and drinking never did stop. He would do the
same things over and over, Beat her, rape her and
then pass out. This crap went on and on for years. I
would make a half attempt to stop him but I never
really did all I could have done to help her. And she
just kept putting up with it. I guess it was the I
don't deserve anything better attitude. He did end up finally beating her pretty badly one weekend to the point she had a concussion and two black eyes. . My mom ended up leaving for good, not taking my brother and sister with her.I was 20 at this time and still lived at home. I was pretty fed up at this point and ended up in the navy and stayed away for a few years. I did speak with my father during this time on and off. But he always bad mouthed my mother and called her whore and would tell me about how she screwed this guy and that guy, etc. Made things out to be her fault. He got pissed when I mentioned some of the fights and what I remembered hearing. Said I was having hallucinations or something. Anyway, I got so fed up that I quit talking to everyone in my family. I pulled away from everyone This was in 1986. In 1998, my wife and kids and I moved back home here. Still no contact with anyone in my family. My wife had an idea what kind of went on, But I never told her everything. Like the parts about having been made to have sex with my mom and all the stuff about her getting raped and all. She only knew that there was a lot of fighting and drinking was all and that my dad was pretty much an asshole. So she kind of understood why I pulled away from them. To this day, she does not know all of what went on. I've alway been afraid to let this little secret out for fear that she will think I'm a sicko and all for it and will leave me over it. A couple of years ago, I did contact my mother. I started to feel guilty about her and happened. She was around 62 and I was 42. I'm now 45. Anyway, we kind of reconciled and things were pretty nice for several months. She met grandkids she had never seen before and all. But she was pretty goofed up though from all the stuff that went on as I was to find out. She had had quite a drinking problem for years and I thought she had licked it by this time. She appeared to have her stuff together also and as I said, everything appeared to be pretty decent. I went to her house quite a lot ans she I and talked about what went on. I told her I felt bad cause I felt like I didn;t do enough to help defend her against my father when I should have and all. I still feel guilty for this. One night, she called me up and said she needed me to come over cause she wanted to talk. So I went over to her place and I could tell she had been drinking. As this was around 10pm, she was in her pajamas. I had a couple of beers with her and thought nothing of it. . But then I just said I had to go and that we'd talk the next day and that not to do this to me again. The next morning, she called all drunk and said she was going to the hospital to check herself into the mental ward and that is was my fault she was like this. I have not spoken with her since and this was a couplbe of years ago. By the way, I have not had any communication with my father for almost 20 years. As far as my brother and sister, They don't remember any of this type of stuff going on. My mom had left when they were 8 and 10 so Dad has been all sweet and wonderful to them all these years. So with them, I am the bastard who has forsaken the old man for no reason. I never went into anything with them the couple of times they contacted me. Only said that they have a different memory of things than I do and left it at that.
I continually have bad nightmare and memories about what I described above. These all came flooding back to me about 10 years ago. I cannot seem to get the memory of my mom crying and screaming as she was being beaten and raped by my father and his friends out of my mind. I hear this almost every night. It is so real and vivid that it's just as though it is really happening again. I can also vividly recall the sexual experirnces I had with my mother as well. I have a very detailed picture in my mind of having sex with her. And I am ashamed to admit that it makes me aroused in a sick sort of way and I can't quit thinking about this either. I have not told anyone about any of this. Only three people know what went on. My father, mother and I. I cannot tell my wife. I am truly afraid of what she would think. I've been married to her for 24 years and have kept this secret from her all this time. I am ashamed of what happened and I know it has poisoned my life and that I am not a whole person. I pray to Jesus every night to make it go away and to make my mother stop crying. But I cannot shake this. What do I do???? I am at my wits end with this (no not suicidial or anything at all, ever). If need be please write me at: edit: personal email address removed.
Thanks in advance for being there to listen.
Well this is my first post and I wanted t0 tell my
story. Over there past several years, a lot of bad
memories of my childhood have come back. I mean, I
seemed to have remembered stuff that I guess I had
buried somewhere long ago for no good reason I can
think of. I'm really having a hard time with trying
to come to grips with things over this and need
advice on where to go/what to do. The memories that
have come back to haunt me deal with the abuse was
done to me as a child by both of my parents.
It all started when I was about 4 or 5 I guess from
what I can remember. I was an only child at the time.
My father worked nights and my mom, like others at
the time was a stay at home mom. I remember very
vividly now how she would lay on the bed with nothing
on or no panties on exposing herself to me. She would
have me put my fingers in her and I guess, get her
off or something. I remember her having me do this
quite a lot. I don't remember ever thinking that this
was a bad thing or anything at the time. My mom was
kind of like a big playmate to me rather than being a
mom. She was pretty screwed up I guess as I found out
later on. Anyway, she and my dad had a lot of
problems and she ended up leaving when I was 5 and
had just started kindergarten. She left when my dad
was at work and left me home alone. After she had
been gone an hour or so, she called my grandmother
from somewhere and told her to come and get me.
Anyway, I lived with my grandmother for a few years
until I was 8 and they got remarried cause she was
pregnant. During the time they were divorced, they
still seen each other and I would be with both of
them at my fathers house over the weekends. Kind of a
strange relationship. I just remember them doing a
lot of drinking and fighting is all. I also have a
lot of memories of this time being very bad. I
remember being told to go to bed and it would be late
at night on a Friday or Saturday night. They would
both be drinking very heavily and like I said,
fighting and arguing. Many times my "Uncle Rich" or
"Uncle Butch" would be over at that time as well. I
can still hear my mother screaming and crying all
night as my father and his friends raped her and beat
her pretty good. I can still hear her crying out "Get
off of me and Why are you doing this and so on and so
forth. This shit would go on all night
and every weekend the whole time they were divorced
which was about 3 years. I never mentioned this to my
grandmother about was going on during the weekends
and all. My mom did end up getting pregnant and she
and my father got remarried when I was 8. After they
got remarried, as I said my mother was pregnant. My
father was still working nights yet and my mom would
have me sleep with her. Normally, no problem. But I
can still remember her asking me if I knew where
babies came from and how it happened etc and so
forth. We would talk about it and she would explain
things when I had a question.She was about 4 months
along at this point cause I can remember her belly
just starting to get bigger. Again, so far nothing
out of the ordinary. This happened quite a lot through the next month or
so. As I said, I was 8 at the time. I thought it was
pretty cool at the time. Wow what a cool mom I
thought. It seemed to end about as quick as it
started. My brother was born and then things were
pretty normal for a few years until I turned twelve.
During this time, my father had not drank and was on
the wagon from what I know. I also had a sister come
along when I was 10 also. Anyway, as I said, things
were normal until we moved when I was 12. After
moving, they started to bowl in a Friday night league
and would get home late, usually around 11pm. They
would stay after and have a few drinks and would come
home pretty ripped. I can remember thinking at the
time that I wished my dad would not drink. And then
things started up again with the drinking and
fighting on Friday and Saturday nights. I can
remember my father yelling up the steps and making me
come downstairs. I was
forced into doing this a lot until right before I
turned 14. It was at this time that I finally had the
nerve to stand up say no. I couldn't before because
he was so damn threatening and mean and had
threatened to beat my mother of she did'nt do it and
had also threatened me as well. "If you don;t want to
see your mother get hurt, you'll do this" he'd say.
So like a spinless idiot, I'd go along with it. The
bad part is that in a sick sort of way, I really
enjoyed having sex with her all these times. Hell I
was a young man and having sex with a real woman so
again, in a sad way, I did enjoy it somewhat despite
the circumstance and all. Anyway, like
I said, I put my foot down around the time I turned
14 and would'nt have sex with her. But the weekend
fighting and drinking never did stop. He would do the
same things over and over, Beat her, rape her and
then pass out. This crap went on and on for years. I
would make a half attempt to stop him but I never
really did all I could have done to help her. And she
just kept putting up with it. I guess it was the I
don't deserve anything better attitude. He did end up finally beating her pretty badly one weekend to the point she had a concussion and two black eyes. . My mom ended up leaving for good, not taking my brother and sister with her.I was 20 at this time and still lived at home. I was pretty fed up at this point and ended up in the navy and stayed away for a few years. I did speak with my father during this time on and off. But he always bad mouthed my mother and called her whore and would tell me about how she screwed this guy and that guy, etc. Made things out to be her fault. He got pissed when I mentioned some of the fights and what I remembered hearing. Said I was having hallucinations or something. Anyway, I got so fed up that I quit talking to everyone in my family. I pulled away from everyone This was in 1986. In 1998, my wife and kids and I moved back home here. Still no contact with anyone in my family. My wife had an idea what kind of went on, But I never told her everything. Like the parts about having been made to have sex with my mom and all the stuff about her getting raped and all. She only knew that there was a lot of fighting and drinking was all and that my dad was pretty much an asshole. So she kind of understood why I pulled away from them. To this day, she does not know all of what went on. I've alway been afraid to let this little secret out for fear that she will think I'm a sicko and all for it and will leave me over it. A couple of years ago, I did contact my mother. I started to feel guilty about her and happened. She was around 62 and I was 42. I'm now 45. Anyway, we kind of reconciled and things were pretty nice for several months. She met grandkids she had never seen before and all. But she was pretty goofed up though from all the stuff that went on as I was to find out. She had had quite a drinking problem for years and I thought she had licked it by this time. She appeared to have her stuff together also and as I said, everything appeared to be pretty decent. I went to her house quite a lot ans she I and talked about what went on. I told her I felt bad cause I felt like I didn;t do enough to help defend her against my father when I should have and all. I still feel guilty for this. One night, she called me up and said she needed me to come over cause she wanted to talk. So I went over to her place and I could tell she had been drinking. As this was around 10pm, she was in her pajamas. I had a couple of beers with her and thought nothing of it. . But then I just said I had to go and that we'd talk the next day and that not to do this to me again. The next morning, she called all drunk and said she was going to the hospital to check herself into the mental ward and that is was my fault she was like this. I have not spoken with her since and this was a couplbe of years ago. By the way, I have not had any communication with my father for almost 20 years. As far as my brother and sister, They don't remember any of this type of stuff going on. My mom had left when they were 8 and 10 so Dad has been all sweet and wonderful to them all these years. So with them, I am the bastard who has forsaken the old man for no reason. I never went into anything with them the couple of times they contacted me. Only said that they have a different memory of things than I do and left it at that.
I continually have bad nightmare and memories about what I described above. These all came flooding back to me about 10 years ago. I cannot seem to get the memory of my mom crying and screaming as she was being beaten and raped by my father and his friends out of my mind. I hear this almost every night. It is so real and vivid that it's just as though it is really happening again. I can also vividly recall the sexual experirnces I had with my mother as well. I have a very detailed picture in my mind of having sex with her. And I am ashamed to admit that it makes me aroused in a sick sort of way and I can't quit thinking about this either. I have not told anyone about any of this. Only three people know what went on. My father, mother and I. I cannot tell my wife. I am truly afraid of what she would think. I've been married to her for 24 years and have kept this secret from her all this time. I am ashamed of what happened and I know it has poisoned my life and that I am not a whole person. I pray to Jesus every night to make it go away and to make my mother stop crying. But I cannot shake this. What do I do???? I am at my wits end with this (no not suicidial or anything at all, ever). If need be please write me at: edit: personal email address removed.
Thanks in advance for being there to listen.