My Story of CSEM - Triggers

Toad

Registrant
I suddenly don't feel so alone.
This is just a portion of my story from the Survivor Stories forum.

Even thought it was hard to write I wanted to for two reasons.

1. Putting the shame where it belongs. I was tired of hiding their secrets.
They are the ones who should be ashamed.

2. So that others wouldn't feel as alone as I do.

So I am glad it made you not feel as alone.
Sorry for all you have beem through.

-Toad
 
It moves me to tears that we get to do this with and for one another... over and over again with an ever changing group of men who experienced these horrors. Thank you Toad for all you give to this community by sharing your story and your ongoing support.
 
It is much easier for me to see that you aren't responsible and need to be easier on yourself.
...I wish you could see yourself as I see you.
Isn't this true with all of us. We can see other guys and how hard they are on themselves but we can't see it in ourselves.

I don't know if you only read this post or my really long Survivor Story.
I'm in the middle right now.

But I was a baby when it began.
It's insane and off-the-wall crazy how young so many of us were when it all started. I read a news report last year of a guy flying from NYC to LA to go have sex with a 6-month-old baby. That is totally off-the-wall sick!

That is why I got nervous and stopped showing my picture as an avatar.
I was never taken to see any relatives by my foster parents. So until I was 9 and we moved to another neighborhood the only people I knew were the couples that came over to play cards and drink (and rape me). About 9 months after we moved was my first john, I was now a prostitute. So I have no relatives and there are only a few people who would know my face. The main reason I don't show my face (I try every once in a while) is I can't look into my face. I know everyone who knows my face at least till I was 24 when I got out of the game. So any other people who would recognize me would be someone I slept with. I feel pretty safe here on MS to show my face but I still have problems looking at myself.

Since I found my birth family at the end of February I was asked to start a Facebook page so I could meet them. I've always stayed out of social media, crowds, and only within my family which is my wife and kids and her sister and their kids. But all that aside When I started that Facebook page this past Friday I felt like I was standing on a podium in the middle of Times Square. It kept listing "people I might know". And yes I recognize some people besides my bio family. Some people from years ago. How Facebook had an inkling that I might know some of those people, I don't know. If it wasn't for my bio family then I would shut down my Facebook account. So that's sort of like you not showing your avatar. (Aside from my children, my biological family all live in Norway.)

Of course I was 4 or 5 and was in no way responsible.
But the guilt is still there.
The heart often feels guilty even when the mind knows better.
Yeah, the guilt stays with us. I also feel guilty and ashamed of what I did and why I stayed so many years in the game. But when you or I look at our situation we didn't have a choice. As for me, I didn't know any other way of life. I felt safe with papasan and I was afraid to leave him. The adults that were doing all this were the only people I knew. The kids I played with were either in the game also or were just street kids who ran away from home. The people who got to you were family, how could you get away. We couldn't say "Stop the world, I want to get off". I would say that the majority of guys here had the same problem as we did. We couldn't get out. In most cases, we couldn't stop it. It would have to come to an end by itself.

With the gagging and choking and not being able to breathe, I started to pass out.
The room spun as I would fade in and out, but I kept coming back.
Why couldn't I escape and fly off with my big blackbird friend?
This was a game with them. It usually happened with me when there was more than one asshole. They wanted to show off what they could do. I remember after coming too or before they did it again hearing "watch his eyes roll back in his head". They got off on that shit. These types of assholes could get a great job in a concentration camp. There was only cruelty and not a drop of empathy for any kid.

We did fly off from time to time but the doors were locked and we couldn't escape. When we would come down we would land in the same place we had just left. I had noticed that when I would pass out there was a complete calm that would come over me. (I would end up pissing also.) The calm felt so good that me and my friend would play various "pass-out" games just so we could get the euphoric feeling. Hyperventilate and then your friend wouldn't let you breathe until you passed out or we would cut off oxygen to the brain by cutting off the blood flow.
 
Thank you Toad for all you give to this community by sharing your story and your ongoing support.
Don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back also for all your ongoing support and being a part of the conversation here on MS.
 

Toad

Registrant
@Visitor Thank you.


Since I found my birth family at the end of February
That's amazing that you were able to find your family!

In most cases, we couldn't stop it. It would have to come to an end by itself
This is true even for the individual "sessions". I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I never liked it, but sometime I would feel that I was completely used up. And couldn't take anymore. But no matter how tired and used up I was, it wasn't over until they were done with me. Perhaps because I was so little, I would be beyond tired.
It feels like being made to run a marathon and collapsing because you are exhausted and them picking you up and forcing you to keep running. No matter how used up and done you were. You weren't done until they said you were done.
 

Youngtrumpet

Registrant
I can’t have anything around my neck. People don’t understand but I can’t wear a tie and I need certain kinds of shirts that won’t touch my neck.
when I first started therapy decades ago my therapist thought it would be a good thing to explore my neck issues. He got behind me and started to put his hands on me. Instantaneously I threw him against the wall. It surprised both of us. He picked himself up, brushed himself off and said we would try working on something else. I have that strong of a reaction.
I never found anything euphoric. As a child it scared the hell out of me.
 
I can’t have anything around my neck. People don’t understand but I can’t wear a tie and I need certain kinds of shirts that won’t touch my neck.
That's exactly the same for me.
 
I never found anything euphoric. As a child it scared the hell out of me.
Sorry if ˆmisled you. It was Euphoric when I did it with my friends. When they shoved their shit down my throat I thought I was going to die. I didn't think that they would pull out. The gagging was the same as if someone was choking me. They would tie my hands and feet together behind me, put me in a bathtub face down, and start filling the tub. That was the same feeling as when they would shove their shit down my throat. All this torture just shows the kind of sick stuff as kids we found to do to get a rush or to get away from ourselves. And these crazy things I've been told by my T come from what I went through.

The same thing that you're going through with not being able to wear a necktie or even a shirt with a collar I was was a platform diver and I haven't gone in a pool in 50 years just because of the bathtub incident.

We are all the result of the environments we experienced.
 
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