My story... and my question...*** Possible Triggers***

My story... and my question...*** Possible Triggers***
M

Mystic Rhythm

Registrant
Well I've been coming here since mid-July reading up on other peoples' posts, and I must say, and agree, that it does most definitely help start the healing process when you know you're not alone.

Then, last week, I took another step and decided to register. Now, this week, I've decided to post my story. It'll be the short version for now, seeing as I'm doing this from work, but as time goes on, I'll be laying it all out. I guess also I'm testing the waters to see if my story applies as SA or not. So I'll start with my question and work my way from there...

Question: Can a 19 year old boy (note "boy" and not teenager or man) be SAed by his 20 year old female best friend?

I ask this for my story begins 12 years ago on August 15 1993. It was registration day at college and my best friend and I met up at our college. Her apartment was being fixed up so I offered her to hang out at my place till she could go home later that night. If my mom ever taught me anything, it was how to accomodate guests. So yep I made my kick ass spaghetti recipe for supper and watched tv in my dorm room. And just like the semester before, we just talked about this and that, like we always did. She was the type of friend that you could talk to just about anything and be listened. Around 6:30pm, my brother and our friend Mike offer us to join a group of friends to check out the Fugitive with Harrison Ford, so we did. Her student loan hadn't come in yet so I paid for her until she'd pay me back. Well after the movie, she should have headed home, but even when slightly confused, I didn't object to hanging out some more at my place.

And this is when a good day turned out to be a nightmare. I say this now, 12 years later because I've finally come to grips and understood what happened. Back then, at 19 years old, being utterly naive about how sex worked, I just never saw it coming nor understand what she was doing. How she coerced me into bed with her is still a blur, which is something I'll need help with from my therapist whenever my therapy starts, but the part I do remember, where the SA started, she was on top and stayed on top, all 200 pounds of her. Forcing her tongue in my mouth, making me gag several times and tasting the rotting garlic breath. It was hard to breath with her body pressing down on me, and I distinctly remember my body shaking uncontrollably, most especially my legs. My 19 year old, naive as hell, 140 pound skinny little shit body just... wouldn't... stop... shaking... Her answer? "It's all right, all virgins go through this." I was so fucking stupid for giving in at that moment. She was my best friend. She knew far more about sex than me. (My sole education about sex was ONE sex ed course given by a wannabe priest teaching Catholic Religious Instructions. To have a wannabe priest explain the fundamentals of sex while holding a cucumber in one hand and a condom in the other isn't educational, it's traumatizing.) Then she went down on me and literally sucked so hard, the pain became too much to bear. I told her to stop and she answered with a slap to my face and ear that stunned me senseless. Why was my best friend acting this way? What did I do to bring this down on myself? Did I say something offensive? And another slap, and another, then punches followed and all I could do is lie there under her weight with my arms shielding me taking the hits. I was crying like a little kid, and she just stopped and bolted out the door before I could wipe away the tears.

If that wasn't devastating enough to experience, she then started telling everyone who'd listen that I raped her. Let me know when a 140 pound naive little shit boy can rape a mature 200 pound girl both nearly the same age and height, and I'll erase this post. It took a semester though before my friends started to come around and disbelieve her lies. It took two semesters to bring my best friend Frank from back home around to my side of the story who she had started dating 2 weeks after our "episode". But the damage was done, and for 12 years, I've had no relationships for fear of that happening again, for fear that I wasn't worthy, for fear that noone wanted damaged goods.

So my question from the beginning is can a 19 year old, totally naive little boy with no knowledge of sex be sexually victimized by a 20 year old 200 pound girl that broke up with her boyfriend over that summer?

To tell you guys the truth, I'm more afraid of a yes answer than a no, but this needed to be done. My story needed to be told, and just telling it is enough right now.

MR
 
WEll, MR, that was some story. I don't know what she thinks sex is, but masochism comes to mind. And for an unwilling partner, that's abuse, not so pure and simple.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Most folks report not having the best experience with their first time of sex, but yours sounds like something out of Frankenstein.

Who is this woman? Sounds like a good candidate for the WWF to me. She could be billed as Helga the Hun. She could wear an armor breast plate, steel helmut with horns and everything.

Honest to God, thank your lucky stars that you got out alive.

Hey, MR, sorry you had to go looking for a place like this, but we're glad you found us...Welcome.

Now wait for some of your other new friends to add their opinions of what happened to you.

Peace and courage,

David
 
MR
At a quick glance, or with a 'macho attitude' some people would say "what's the problem here ?"
But it's a view that doesn't reflect YOUR reaction to what happened.

One of the factors that defines sexual abuse, and an important factor, is the balance of power between the people involved.
And it seems that she had the power. She was obviously sexually experienced, and determined to get sex.

I told her to stop and she answered with a slap to my face and ear that stunned me senseless.
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Sex should be a pleasurable experience between two people that care for each other, or at least people who are consenting, not one person slapping the other into submission.

Dave
 
It has nothing to do with being neive or anything, you said no and not only did she not stop, she starts hitting you.

It is sexual assualt and just because you had an erection doesn't mean you "wanted it" or "liked it". Thats something that most people don't understand, a mans body will respond to stimulus even in a tramatic situation.

Admitting to yourself fully that it was sexual assault is scary. It's probably why I still haven't fully accepted that I was abused.

Jason
 
M.R. ,

I understand the hesitation in going down the path of "I was assaulted or abused". It opens up a whole different scenario of things that you think you will now need to deal with. Having not formally decided if this [assualt] really took place gives you a false sense of relief but it is false. You have already found this place and sought help. I believe in your heart you already know what took place was wrong and not of your doing. It's probably just your mind that would prefer it were a different scenario.

I want to encourage you that as horrible as it may feel to have to process all these thoughts and the consequences of what happended to you, that it actually will ultimately help you work through it all.

You already mentioned the forced oral sex and how that was hurful to you. Part of your recovery will be undertanding that what happended to you was wrong, and that in time (if and when you choose) that sexual relations are ok.

So, even based on what you've already shared, confronting the abuse will help you work through issues such as these.

As far as your age is concerned - I see it as a null point. Sexual abuse (regardless of age) is probably the most horrible form of abuse that anybody can experience. Sex is meant to be a most special moment between people and to have that robbed from you is very much a raw deal.

I am so sorry to hear of what was done to you and I hope for you that in time you will find fullness and joy in every area of your life as you Triumph over this - and you will!

Stick around, and let us all help and encourage each other.

From another new friend here at MS.
 
Let me echo what has been said here- your age at the time of the incident is immaterial. Whether you're nine, 19 or 99, any unwanted sexual act forced upon you is abuse.

I also want to encourage you to interact with the good people here. I have been on this board for about a week now, and it already has helped me understand that what I went through, like what you went through, was not of my choosing, and therefore no blame lies with us.

I am sorry that the experience you had was so painful, but you're in the right place now.
 
Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. As I said in my first post, I've been reading other peoples' stories of their abuse and I was always impressed how the community here banded together to support the person telling his story and support him in whatever steps he felt was necessary for his healing process. But to BE that person feels different. It's that sudden realization that I am indeed not alone in this that gives me hope... something I've not felt in a long long time. Actually, I don't think I've ever felt it like this intense before. Scary, but invigorating at the same time. This make sense?

Work beckons... but I'm gonna make a point to post more often. I have a strong feeling that participating in other people's recovery will help me in mine. And I'm going to make a point of post more of my story...

MR

PS. Although I've read the rules governing use of this discussion board, I just need to know if I went overboard or not on my use of colorful language telling my story. Last thing I want is to offend anyone.
 
MR,

What you say makes perfect sense. When I first came here it was like a thunderbolt discovering that I wasn't all alone. As you say, scary but so invigorating.

Participating in the recovery of others is very helpful in your own, or at least that is my experience. Sometimes it is easier to face something and accept it when the case in hand is someone else and not yourself.

On your language, I was not offended nor do I think others would be. We have to be able to tell it like it is. It is a good idea to use trigger warnings, and if things are just too much the mods will edit your post. That doesn't happen often, but if it does it is done for the benefit of the whole community and isn't a way of rebuking anyone. Sometimes we really just do need to vent, and in that case it's best to blow off steam in the unmoderated forum.

Take care,
Larry
 
There's no doubt there was something wrong with that girl. And yes, you were raped. It's the "NO" that makes it rape, no matter who or what the circumstances.

It's that sudden realization that I am indeed not alone in this that gives me hope... something I've not felt in a long long time.
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That's what I feel here, too. I feel like I've progressed more since I came here than I did in my previous 10 years of therapy. It's just different knowing that I'm not crazy, this does happen to other guys who are dealing with the same struggles, and I'm not alone. As I stuck around here, I started making some friends, and then it really hits home. We're not just lone victims of predators. We're normal guys who came from some of the most horrible circumstances. It amazes me what these guys have been through, and yet they're here, pouring out their hearts--nothing like the men I knew growing up. The men here are trying. That encourages me. Maybe I'll always have some wires crossed because of what was done to me, but I will keep trying.

I'm glad you found this place, MR. I'm sorry for what was done to you. We're here to listen.
 
Yes. You were raped. I'm sorry for your pain. Peace, Andrew
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It's the "NO" that makes it rape, no matter who or what the circumstances.
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I'm afraid of using the term "rape". Forgive my ignorance, but doesn't rape imply forced sexual intercourse? It never reached that point. And I don't remember ever saying the actual word "No", but I do definitely remember never having said "Yes" to it either. What is unmistakeable in my mind is my body having shooked incessantly throughout the act, and especially after she beat the shit out of me.

To this day, I can still see her on top of me, with that rotting garlic smell in the back of her mouth... I agree I was victimized, but I just am not sure about rape.
 
Just bumping this up for MR to read. MR you were not weak to write this. Besides telling your story of what happened, you need to tell how this has affected you in your relationships and daily life. Telling that is not weak ether. It is much easier to just keep quiet, keep it all inside. But doing that does not help you to get better. You have a therapist, and you may not need to tell us, if you tell him. I am not going to try to change your mind about leaving. But I just want you to know that you are not burning any bridges, you will be welcome, when/if you decide to come back.

Take care,
Lostcowboy
 
MR,

I can't agree with LostCowboy more. Just know that I for one would be really glad to welcome you back anytime. The issues we are dealing with are high-emotion items, and we all need to express that sometimes.

Much love,
Larry
 
i can't hope to be able to help you but when you talk about her weight crushing you till you can't breath ,oh man believe me i understand and the rotten breath ,the slimy toungue pushing into your mouth ,my male abuser weighed over 200 ,i weighed about 60 lbs ,the weight is so much you can't move your chest to take in breath ,his face crushing over my nose ,suffocating me . ok just wanted to say i understand totaly
 
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