My story and a question (this is long)

[Redtide62]

One of my first memories is a third person view of me dancing with my boy next door neighbor (few years older) in our underwear in the park behind my house. Attached to the memory are feelings of fear and confusion. I have some very vague feelings about it not being the only time I had a similar interaction with that boy. Then, when I was in 4th grade, my brother (8th grade) started sexually abusing me. The abuse from my brother ended when I was between 6th and 7th grade. After that we did not talk for a few years until he left for college. At that point he started giving me pointers on how to have sex with women, techniques to use and what not. Seemed normal at the time but now it makes me want to vomit.

That first experience was uncomfortable and confusing but afterwards I was always thinking about sex. I would be up late at night when everyone else was sleeping touching teddybears and humping pillows. When it started with my brother it was scary and he told me not to tell. After a while I sought it out. It was the only time he would interact with me positively.

I was always and angel at school and when around other people but at home I was a terror. Always acting out and fighting with my siblings. My parents would leave my older brother in charge when they would leave and my younger brother, older sister and that brother would all play together and not include me. My older brother would torment me, tease me and physically abuse me. I would lash out and when my parents came home I'd get in trouble.

I have always felt crazy haha. In high school I wanted to be good so badly. It's like there were two people in my head. On one side the innocent boy who wanted to enjoy the world and all the magic it held. And on the other this self destructive, self loathing scared teen. Constantly thought of suicide in high school. Didn't get along with anyone unless it involved drugs or hooking up with girls. I am extremely intelligent but dropped out because of drugs and attendance.

I've searched and searched for answers to why I slowly became dysfunctional after the abuse stopped. Constantly wondering why there was this demon inside of me that was addicted, depressed and angry. Constantly looking for the thing I did that set me off on this self destructive path. Never once did I consider this could have been an issue.

My whole life I have thought these things were normal (I'm now 27). Three years ago I told my mother and father but quickly retracted the admission because of the fear of ruining the family. I pleaded with them to drop it and never bring it up again. I asked my psychiatrist about it and he told me it was normal (wtf?). It wasn't until this last Monday, when I called a sex addiction therapist because I wanted more insight into the negative effects of porn use and how to stop using, that I got validation. She asked me if I had ever been abused and I said "Well maybe sort of". She cleared it up for me.

I've felt (and still feel) like the abuse was my doing and the fact that I ended up enjoying and seeking it out means it was my responsibility as well. When I say "feel" I mean this: My logical brain says it wasn't my responsibility. My heart says it was.

Now that I have admitted this to myself it makes sense. When I think about the abuse and the hurt I felt I cry. I cry and it feels SO good. I can't explain it. I've cried a lot in my life but its never felt like this. It's always felt empty. This feels different.

This week has been very intense. I told my mother about it again and that I was seeking therapy. I had a few text message conversations telling her how I've felt about my life and about how much I've struggled. I know this is breaking her heart

I do not have very many friends and I have 0 close friends. I am closest with my older brother. Up until I went to my first therapy appointment this last Wednesday I had no problems interacting with him. Now the thought of talking to him makes me panic. He is going to want to hang out as I just moved back into the area he lives in. I don't know what to do.

I am angry with my parents as well. I was punished so much as a child. I told them everything my brother would do (other than the sexual things) and they wouldn't get him in trouble! I am responsible for the things that I do but I just remember feeling so helpless and alone.

Ok sorry for the long run up.

My plan and I guess my question is this: I want to send an email to all the members of my family (mom, dad and three siblings) and tell them that I am going through some stuff and need time to myself without being contacted. I just want to block them all out while I go through this healing process until I am ready to talk to them. I am not ready to confront my brother by any means. I just need to be independent right now. Does this sound rational? I'm going to ask my therapist on Monday but thought I'd ask if anyone has some experience in this realm.

If you are reading this thank you.

 

[newground]

hey red
so much of what you shared is so like my story but it seems for different reasons maybe. the part about being an angel at school and a terror at home was me exactly. taking the beatings unfairly was usually where I found myself too. but my abusers were not siblings at least not sexually.
I think you have the right to ask them to back off for a time. you are the one who needs healing and the time to accomplish that. I absolutely would talk to your therapist about when and how to confront so you can do that safely and then maybe set up a time table so you can at least say I will contact you by such a date.
not sure that helps a lot but always good to know you are not alone so I wanted to reply
Jeff

 

[KMCINVA]

Redtide62

You have the right to decide how you need to heal. If you need space from family, and if they are good people, they will honor the need you have to take time away. You are in a difficult situation with your CSA being from a brother, another child of your parents. Your parents will have a host of emotions. I do hope when they truly absorb what happened to you, they will accept the truth and not try to deny it. I have people who were in my life deny my abuse and lie about it and I have put them in a distant place even though I will always love them. Their words and actions nearly killed me--and I let them take control of me. Only now do I accept the extent of the impact of their words and actions--I thought about suicide, put a plan together--I should say several plans--but people who supported me rescued me while the others continued with their destruction. Now that I have accepted not all people are going to support me, I focus my life on those that are there for me.

My abuse was with a priest so I do not have to deal with a parent accepting one of their other children was responsible. You have support and I hope from what I lived you will realize turn to those that support you and step away from those that have other interests or are incapable of understanding CSA, the trauma and impact CSA has on your life. It is your life, your abuse and only you can determine the right way to move forward. We are here for you. This site saved me many a time, and most do not even know how much they impacted my life and saved me in the darkest of times. Remember you have support here.

Kevin

 

[WG]

Hi red - Glad you feel safe to come here. Newground said it well - This is your healing, take what time you need. As for getting together with anyone from your family - I would do some more work with my therapist first. Do the 'empty chair' interview. What I mean is this : place an empty chair in front of you. Speak to it as if whoever it is you want to address is sitting there and say what is on your mind. Practice this with your therapist FIRST - then with whoever it is you are wanting to speak to. This will give you a sort of 'script' so you may not be so tongue-tied when they are face to face with you. Also, if you plan to meet with your brother, do so at a public place. A mall, Starbuck's, a park. Denny's- somewhere else other than your residence. When you do, its a neutral place. Not your place - he'll be on the defense, not his place - you'll be on the defense.
Don't mean to tell you what to do. However, this is your - our - recovery - and we get to set boundaries, make strong decisions, and take back the power lost over the years.
Heal well. -Winston (no, not Churchill)

 

[Redtide62]

Thanks so much guys! It helps to have people out there that know how this feels.

 

[manipulated]

Hi

Sorry for the reasons we are all here but glad to find another strong survivor taking charge of his life and claiming back power and person. Wise words above from some men who have helped me and countless others. Please discuss with your t before you confront or meet. Preparation is key and that include the likely denial, claims of over active imagination or further harm to you. Perps and those who stood by and did nothing or worse punished the victim rarely accept responsibility for their actions...and they have years of experience punishing, discrediting and mocking the victims to justify their actions and inactions.

Take care of and be good to yourself. YOU deserve some good.

 

[woodenshoes]

Redtide62

Newground said it well. You deserve the time to heal. I have taken time away from my family and feel safer away from them than near. It is a balancing act when it is within the family. The emotions are high. Work with your t to gain more understanding. You will get through you have us to support you.

Ws

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Redtide62,

It sounds VERY rational. Most times dealing with family can be quite emotional, particularly if you feel guilty (which by the way you should definitely not feel guilty).
You certainly deserve to have space and alone time free from the attachments of family.

Between you and your T you can work out your own time table of healing, and you would be completely justified to honestly and forth rightly tell them to "back off." Whether you confront your brother or not will be something you and your T will deal with. Most guys here have either dealt with (or will deal with) the emotional situations you face. You are not alone.

Best wishes, good luck.

CJ