My Story: After Being Sexually Abused
Firstly, I have to be honest for every men who have been sexually abused. I can imagine what each one of them have been overcoming to the most challeging feelings they have had since they were sexually abused. I am sorry if I may commit some English Grammar mistakes when I have been writing my story after being sexually abused, becuase I have been not fluent in English.
The first time I have been sexually abused I was five years old, and my abuser was aproximately twelve years old. We had been playing at his grandparent's house, especially in the backyard at night, and when we had been a little minutes alone, he took my short off and put his cock into my anus. I would not understand what it happened and the meaning of that so strange game.
I remember I have felt a different sensation. Later, I could realize that it was very a good sexual experience. That guy was a handsome boy! He had a straight black hair like an indian, his skin was white, and I loved his look. After being penetrated by his penis, he took his short off and asked me to put my penis into his butt hole. Then I did it, so it was one of the most wounderful and arousal experience that I have been all of my life, because my little penis have been erect for the first time.
Later, my mother found out what we had done sexually, and she hit me a lot by lifting me up on my neck while I was crying loudly, my heart almost stopped beating. She did not allow us to play together again. Unfortunately, his family needed to move to another place and we did not meet each other for a lon time. Several years later, I have seen my first abuser driving his car throughout my windows. I have felt so impacted and had a deeply arousal state that I have almost faintened!
The second time I have been sexually abused I also was at about five years and my cousin was my abuser. He was eleven years old. We were in his house, our parents were talking, and we were playing hide and seek game with my brother and other cousins. I had been hidden under a bed when my abuser went to under it and stayed behind me. We were lying together on the floor when he took my short off and heavily penetrated to my anus.
It hurt me a lot that I could not explain that pain in any words. I thought my anus would bleed because he had caused me so much pain. I had felt a deep angust that I could not explain it. Some years later, I evacuated with blood as a symptom, so I made an association of that previously traumatic event to the symptoms that I have been under a psicotherapy session.
The third time I have been five years and I have not known if it was an abusive or a childhood developmental behavior, perhaps it would not be considered a sexually abusive behavior. It happened with two boys, one neighbor who was also five years old , and another boy who was three years old. We were playing at my neighbor's house at a back furniture, at a place which my neighbor's mother could not be able to see us.
We took our shorts off and had sex to each other reciprocally. I remember that they had been open their pink anuses before I put my penis into it. I had been penetrated by their penises too and it was a pleasure!
Another day, when his mother went out of his house, and we were watching cartoons on TV, I asked him to have sex with him again. Firstly, he refused to make it, but some minutes later he agreed to have sex with me. when I was sat naked on the floor, he dressed his short off. I put my penis in his holr butt. My cock was rocky, and he move up and down on my cock on a plesantly and slowly way. It was such an arousal experience that I have ever been before.
On another day, when his mother were cooking, we were watching TV again. I asked him to have oral sex, because his penis was a little big and thin. We had oral sex behind his kitchen door! he put his cock out his underware and I sucked it on a plesantly way that my mouth have felt that good, yummy and rocky penis into my mouth. Whenever time that I have sucked an ice lolly in my mouth, I remembered that good experience with my neighbor's cock, because I have to admit, I have loved it!
The four time I have been sexually abused was the worst and so much devastating! So now, you will understand to the reason of it. I was twelve years old and began to work on a candies store. The owner of it had fourty-five years old. He was my abuser! He was overweight, with an ugly moustache, and unmarried man. He only hired children and teenagers to work at his store, and their parents did not see anything wrong to it.
Their parents thought that their children and teenagers should work at his store because he had been considered a very nice man around the city. He liked to help the families, the kids and the teenagers to give them an opportunity to learn how to work. My abuser liked to talk about obscene words and his sexual attraction to kids and teenagers.
He began to touch us wit his disgusting hand! He touched our butt, our penis, tried to kiss our mouth, gave us some hugs, and asked us to sit on his lap when he touched our private parts of our bodies (our butt, our chest, our penis and our mouth).
For example, there was a handsome teenager who was fourteen years old. Once I had seen our abuser lifted his butt up on by his disgusting hand over counter when that teenager was serving a customer. when I had seen him doing it, and I was completely shocked! He was such a terriable abuser.
On day, we needed to wake up earlier to go downtown in order to restock his store. Then, he order me to ask my parents if they would allow me to sleep in his house, because we needed to depart ealier. I was a naiive boy and I did as he had ordered me. Unfortunately, my parents allowed me to sleep at his house. I took my toothpast, my toothbrush, my towel, and went to his house.
I told him that I was almost sleeping, he asked me to dress in another short, because I had been dressing my pants. He gave me a little short with an ugly wine color. After this, I brushed my teeth and went to bed. When I had been sleeping at 3 a.m., I woke up during that night with his touching on my cock and my hole butt by his repugnant hand. He was moaning with pleasure of doing it against me. I was shocked! I could realize that fat man was sexually abusing me.
He asked me to have sex with him, and I said no! He insisted on it if I would allow him to gratify his evil desires, but I was strong by pushing him away from me, and replied to him, no! He insisted on it a lot during that traumatic night! I have honestly to confess that some moments I almost might allow him to do it against me, but I did not give up and continue to say, no! He felt frustrated of it, for I did not give up.
Then, he started rubbing my cock with his nasty hand while he was putting his finger into my anus. He asked me if I had cum once before, but I had never had any orgasm in my life before. He introduced me to masturbation. Later, he put his penis out of his short and my hand touched on it, I felt deeply shocked for twice, I felt his penis' head which was so big that it could not fit it on my hand's palm. I was very scared of it and I desperately wished that all of it would have finished as soon possible. It was the most traumatic and devastating experience that I have ever been in my whole life!
There were awful effects over my life after I have been sexually abused. For example, I have been under several symptoms scuh as nightmares, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, scar of any intimacy or sexual response to other people, addiciton to mastubation, addition to watch gay porn movies, guilty, shame, self-blame, confusion about my sexuality and my sexual orientation - I do not know if I have been a straight, a gay or a bissexual.
I have been working at a health service for several years. Strangely, a lot of pacients have disclosured their sexual abuse in their childhood. I have assisted them, because I can be able to help them on their traumatic Childhood Sexually Abused abuse. But I am clear that I have not been healing myself completely, but I have efforted myself to go ahead of my healing process.
Now, I have been a single man, and I do not know if I will marry with someone or have children in the future. Maybe, it is not a lifestyle for me! I have handled my desires against gay pornography, managed my weakness, and follow my path for the best way I can do! Help others to have the freedom to talk their trauma, their fear, their pain make me happy and give me the strength!
I think that psychotherapy and spirituality have also helped me so much! But I have not had sex to people, I feel those traumas have blocked my sexual behaviuor since then.
I remember I have felt a different sensation. Later, I could realize that it was very a good sexual experience. That guy was a handsome boy! He had a straight black hair like an indian, his skin was white, and I loved his look. After being penetrated by his penis, he took his short off and asked me to put my penis into his butt hole. Then I did it, so it was one of the most wounderful and arousal experience that I have been all of my life, because my little penis have been erect for the first time.
Later, my mother found out what we had done sexually, and she hit me a lot by lifting me up on my neck while I was crying loudly, my heart almost stopped beating. She did not allow us to play together again. Unfortunately, his family needed to move to another place and we did not meet each other for a lon time. Several years later, I have seen my first abuser driving his car throughout my windows. I have felt so impacted and had a deeply arousal state that I have almost faintened!
The second time I have been sexually abused I also was at about five years and my cousin was my abuser. He was eleven years old. We were in his house, our parents were talking, and we were playing hide and seek game with my brother and other cousins. I had been hidden under a bed when my abuser went to under it and stayed behind me. We were lying together on the floor when he took my short off and heavily penetrated to my anus.
It hurt me a lot that I could not explain that pain in any words. I thought my anus would bleed because he had caused me so much pain. I had felt a deep angust that I could not explain it. Some years later, I evacuated with blood as a symptom, so I made an association of that previously traumatic event to the symptoms that I have been under a psicotherapy session.
The third time I have been five years and I have not known if it was an abusive or a childhood developmental behavior, perhaps it would not be considered a sexually abusive behavior. It happened with two boys, one neighbor who was also five years old , and another boy who was three years old. We were playing at my neighbor's house at a back furniture, at a place which my neighbor's mother could not be able to see us.
We took our shorts off and had sex to each other reciprocally. I remember that they had been open their pink anuses before I put my penis into it. I had been penetrated by their penises too and it was a pleasure!
Another day, when his mother went out of his house, and we were watching cartoons on TV, I asked him to have sex with him again. Firstly, he refused to make it, but some minutes later he agreed to have sex with me. when I was sat naked on the floor, he dressed his short off. I put my penis in his holr butt. My cock was rocky, and he move up and down on my cock on a plesantly and slowly way. It was such an arousal experience that I have ever been before.
On another day, when his mother were cooking, we were watching TV again. I asked him to have oral sex, because his penis was a little big and thin. We had oral sex behind his kitchen door! he put his cock out his underware and I sucked it on a plesantly way that my mouth have felt that good, yummy and rocky penis into my mouth. Whenever time that I have sucked an ice lolly in my mouth, I remembered that good experience with my neighbor's cock, because I have to admit, I have loved it!
The four time I have been sexually abused was the worst and so much devastating! So now, you will understand to the reason of it. I was twelve years old and began to work on a candies store. The owner of it had fourty-five years old. He was my abuser! He was overweight, with an ugly moustache, and unmarried man. He only hired children and teenagers to work at his store, and their parents did not see anything wrong to it.
Their parents thought that their children and teenagers should work at his store because he had been considered a very nice man around the city. He liked to help the families, the kids and the teenagers to give them an opportunity to learn how to work. My abuser liked to talk about obscene words and his sexual attraction to kids and teenagers.
He began to touch us wit his disgusting hand! He touched our butt, our penis, tried to kiss our mouth, gave us some hugs, and asked us to sit on his lap when he touched our private parts of our bodies (our butt, our chest, our penis and our mouth).
For example, there was a handsome teenager who was fourteen years old. Once I had seen our abuser lifted his butt up on by his disgusting hand over counter when that teenager was serving a customer. when I had seen him doing it, and I was completely shocked! He was such a terriable abuser.
On day, we needed to wake up earlier to go downtown in order to restock his store. Then, he order me to ask my parents if they would allow me to sleep in his house, because we needed to depart ealier. I was a naiive boy and I did as he had ordered me. Unfortunately, my parents allowed me to sleep at his house. I took my toothpast, my toothbrush, my towel, and went to his house.
I told him that I was almost sleeping, he asked me to dress in another short, because I had been dressing my pants. He gave me a little short with an ugly wine color. After this, I brushed my teeth and went to bed. When I had been sleeping at 3 a.m., I woke up during that night with his touching on my cock and my hole butt by his repugnant hand. He was moaning with pleasure of doing it against me. I was shocked! I could realize that fat man was sexually abusing me.
He asked me to have sex with him, and I said no! He insisted on it if I would allow him to gratify his evil desires, but I was strong by pushing him away from me, and replied to him, no! He insisted on it a lot during that traumatic night! I have honestly to confess that some moments I almost might allow him to do it against me, but I did not give up and continue to say, no! He felt frustrated of it, for I did not give up.
Then, he started rubbing my cock with his nasty hand while he was putting his finger into my anus. He asked me if I had cum once before, but I had never had any orgasm in my life before. He introduced me to masturbation. Later, he put his penis out of his short and my hand touched on it, I felt deeply shocked for twice, I felt his penis' head which was so big that it could not fit it on my hand's palm. I was very scared of it and I desperately wished that all of it would have finished as soon possible. It was the most traumatic and devastating experience that I have ever been in my whole life!
There were awful effects over my life after I have been sexually abused. For example, I have been under several symptoms scuh as nightmares, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, scar of any intimacy or sexual response to other people, addiciton to mastubation, addition to watch gay porn movies, guilty, shame, self-blame, confusion about my sexuality and my sexual orientation - I do not know if I have been a straight, a gay or a bissexual.
I have been working at a health service for several years. Strangely, a lot of pacients have disclosured their sexual abuse in their childhood. I have assisted them, because I can be able to help them on their traumatic Childhood Sexually Abused abuse. But I am clear that I have not been healing myself completely, but I have efforted myself to go ahead of my healing process.
Now, I have been a single man, and I do not know if I will marry with someone or have children in the future. Maybe, it is not a lifestyle for me! I have handled my desires against gay pornography, managed my weakness, and follow my path for the best way I can do! Help others to have the freedom to talk their trauma, their fear, their pain make me happy and give me the strength!
I think that psychotherapy and spirituality have also helped me so much! But I have not had sex to people, I feel those traumas have blocked my sexual behaviuor since then.