My So-Called Father

[Wuamei]

Most of my writing about my perps & SA has been about my mother becuz she did most of it. I was with her, her surrogate husband, till I was 13. Also surrogate father to my younger brother.

My father was only around till I was 3-4 and after
that I never saw or heard from him again. Yet I'm recently realizing more & more the painfully profound impact he had on my life in that brief time. Quite literally.

My father used to shake me so badly as an infant that I now know myself to be a survivor of SIS (Shaken Infant Syndrome) which is probably what caused my brothers' "retardation" & early death.

Recently I have recovered more detailed memories about this, especially in my neck, shoulders & back, always my worst pain areas anyway.

Thus I am getting more body therapy work done especially in these areas, trying to heal those bad body memories, with my massage T & chiro.

After I told my chiro about the last week, SIS, he mentioned an exercise for me to do called 70 x 7. I am to for the next week write out in longhand
"I forgive my father for everything" 70 times a day which will in a week equal 490 times. Then I can do the same with my mother or anyone else.

My chiro says he has done exercises like this as part of a group and found it very helpful for many
as simple & kinda silly as it sounds.

But as he says its not for my father its for me so I figure it can't hurt to try. I have heard of similar exercises helping people before.

This will be a lot harder now. Just today I came to the "realization" of something very obvious I've known but been in very heavy denial of & dissociation from in spite of the body memories I've had.

I have very little doubt that my father *nally abused me as an infant.
******************COULD TRIGGER FOR ABOVE*********
With his p*nis, with his finger, with both, I'm still not clear on that & maybe just as well. But
I know it wasn't just him shaking me that was making my back arch & snap. Or my head; I know there was *ral abuse as well. I remember being masturbated by him very early, with a finger up my *nus. I know my mother did this kind of stuff, even later on, as well.
****************END TRIGGER WARNING???************
Now I know the source of the sharp stabbing pains I get in my *nus! Tho I really knew all along.

And theycalledme a pain in the arse!

So yes I can try to forgive--for me!

But beyond that I would like to see justice & see the truth come out, especially on behalf of my brother.

With what happened to myself & my brother, I find it too conveniently coincidental that my nurse grandmother chose to work--with the premature babies, injured infants, etc--at the first hospital in the USA maybe the world to have such an intensive study on & put so much fresh info out on SIS and infant brain injury trauma. I learned this only recently about this hospital as I was doing net searches about SIS.

My grandparents are both dead. The only relative I know of as even alive to say anything if they could be found is my mother, who already denies everything, and much lesser stuff than that.

But I'm seriously considering digging up all the old records I can & trying to find out the truth
about why my brother was "retarded," when he was so dx'd (diagnosed), and what really killed him in the mental institution my mother put him in. Asthma attack my arse! So why couldn't I see his body? Why wasn't I told until well after he died? Why did we go to just a stupid short "memorial" service well after he died. Why wouldn't they answer any of my questions?

No wonder my father, if he is at the last address
I was able to find on him, has not responded to notes I sent a couple years ago.

But if I want the answers they sure can't stop me from finding them now!

OK

Rant switch off.

But this ain't over yet!

Victor

 

[Wuamei]

After I told my chiro last week about the SIS, he mentioned an exercise for me to do called 70 x 7. I am to for the next week write out in longhand "I forgive my father for everything" 70 times a day which will in a week equal 490 times. Then I can do the same with my mother or anyone else.

Well I finally tried for the first day the exercise. Painful in more ways than one as my wrist & hand kept hurting & going numb. Not the one I just hurt in the car wreck either. Weird. But I do think it will be therapeutic for me. As I keep doing it. Forgiving isn't easy. But for me holding a grudge is hell, it just keeps all the pain bottled up in me worse & worse & eats me alive. Six days to go.

Then on to my mother I think…

Victor

 

[guy43]

brojer to brovic

i'm so sad you're having to find this shit in your young past. i know even though our experiences as children are very different we've got some common ground.

this kind of abuse that goes all the way back to infantcy is at least for me the hardest, most painful work i've been doing the past couple of months.

now i know you know more about my journey victor. i take comfort knowing i'm not alone with this.

all i can say is what my t keeps telling me... there is an end to pain after going through all it needs to express.

jer

 

[ernie]

Victor, as usual you bring out so many things that are so painful to most everyone here. My heart bleeds for you and the pain you experienced. I recently was able to recal after much anquish and denial that I too had been raped by my uncle. The bastard is dead thank God and cannot hurt anyone else. The hardest part of this journey is trying to understand, why me. What could I possible have done to deserve this.
He screwed up my childhood with his rape to the point that I was afraid to go to gym class for fear it would be noticed that "I was Different". Man would my dad get mad when he saw how many times I missed Gym! I instead of learning to play football which I really wanted to do, played in "the Girlie Band" as my dad stated.
I am so incredibly grateful that in raising my own children that they did the things they enjoyed without fear of being humiliated by a parent. That I was there to listen to them and help with their problems when I could. Had I had this available to me, I could have stopped my uncle from distroying anyone elses childhood and what should have been the happiest times of my youth. Instead, I lived in shame and humiliation. Just as you must have
Why Me!!! There is no excuse under God's blue sky to abuse anyone especially a child. You are incredibly strong Victor to have gone through all of this and beable to offer to everyone here the insite that you do. My hat is off to you. Stay strong
ernie (Bob)----(not of the Walton family)

 

[Wuamei]

Jer thanks for your empathy bro.

all i can say is what my t keeps telling me... there is an end to pain after going through all it needs to express.

jer

My friend I'm gonna try to hold onto that.


Ernie (Bob):

Thank you also brother for your empathy.

Ernie, I am so sorry for what you went thru & have recalled so recently. I remember when I remembered, less than 2 years ago, and it is horrible. But for me not like the hell of not remembering, feeling like a freak & not even knowing why.

My friend I wonder did you try to tell anyone like
your father about what your uncle did? Or maybe you had buried it right away, or were just too scared too? Either way, whether your father knew or not, his betrayal of you was also abusive I think.

I felt betrayed that my mother did nothing & seemed to have known nothing about the gay couple that raped me. Then I recalled that she had sold me to them!

Ernie you are right there is absolutely no excuse for abuse & there can be no justification for the abuser.

My friend you are also incredibly strong being here & sharing what you share with your brothers here like you are right now. Thank you. Men like you help me keep strong. You keep strong too bro.

Good night, Ernie-Bob

 

[randy]

The worst two things that can happen to a child.
1) an abusive father.
2) an abscent father, because statistics have shown that children not in their fathers home and care are much more likely to be abused.
Victor I never saw my father( even though he was alive and lived near by ) but I feel his weakness
opened the door for his childrens abuse.
Lord better help any sob touched my kids cause I would just ))(*^R%%$%$* till the cows came home.

 

[Wuamei]

Lord better help any sob touched my kids cause I would just ))(*^R%%$%$* till the cows came home.

Randy, I'm so sorry for what you went thru.

You are a good father & the cycle of abuse is being broken with your family of creation as with my own.

A couple month's ago an acquaintance got into my daughter's room with her, drunk, and at first refused to leave, tho he never touched her.

If he had, my wife--and my whole town of about 700--would not have been able to restrain me from what I almost did anyway, which was drive up the hour to her college and hunt that lion down and by the time I was done he would never want to even think about anyone or anything sexually ever again!

Victor

 

[JonathanKhonsu]

I truely hope things go better for you. I'm sorry you had to live with that pain. (I know this sounds week, but its all I can offer.)

 

[randy]

Although I should add that having read what some of my litter mates here have taught me, being abused by Mom aint no laughing matter either.

 

[Wuamei]

I truely hope things go better for you. I'm sorry you had to live with that pain. (I know this sounds week, but its all I can offer.)

No Johnathan it's not weak. I find it very strengthening. Thank you.

Although I should add that having read what some of my litter mates here have taught me, being abused by Mom aint no laughing matter either.

Randy, bottom line is it's all hell.

But we don't have to stay there either.

Victor

 

[Lloydy]

Bob ( Ernie )

Why Me!!! There is no excuse under God's blue sky to abuse anyone especially a child.

Ain't that the truth, there's NO excuse.

But why does knowing that still leave us all with the question "why me ?"

"Why" - because the abusers are weak - it's not us as kid's that are weak - it's them.
They pick on someone they can trick with a show of 'love and trust' and the easiest people to trick are those that are close, their own children, younger family, pupils, choir boys or any kid they can lure away from the people who wanted to protect us.

I can't think of many guys who have been on this site since I've been here that were dragged off by a stranger and raped, they're here I know and I'm not diminishing their pain at all, but most of us fell prey to someone we trusted or loved.
The hard fact is that if it wasn't us then it would almost certainly been someone else.

"Why me ?" is something we all ask, no matter what the circumstances were, and it isn't our question - it's the abusers question.
It's the question they have to live with.

For us to try to answer that question for ourselves is, I believe, feeding our sense of guilt and shame. And our energy is far better spent asking "where next ?"

Dave

 

[ernie]

Dave you are absolutely right, where next, where do I gather the strength to say at 58 it is OK to try to start over. That it is ok to drag this middle age body out on a football field and learn the game. Not to be ashamed of my body that "it is different" because of what happened to me. I wish it were like a book, turn the page start anew. That is what I am desperately trying to do now, make up for lost time hopefully with my wife who will also gain understanding. The hurt all this has caused everyone close to me in awful. My where next is to take everyday as it is. All the books say you can't take back yesterday but you can improve tomorrow. That is my goal
Thanks
Bob

 

[Wuamei]

Bob ( Ernie )

Why Me!!! There is no excuse under God's blue sky to abuse anyone especially a child.

Ain't that the truth, there's NO excuse.

But why does knowing that still leave us all with the question "why me ?"

Good question. One my T periodically asks me. I have this obsessive compulsion (I do after all have OCD !) to know why. But no matter what the reason for my SA it's still wrong & beyond excuse.

If one of my perps tried to explain to me why, it would probably piss me off all the more anyway. I'm already more than pissed off enuf.

"Why" - because the abusers are weak -it's not us as kid's that are weak - it's them.
They pick on someone they can trick with a show of 'love and trust' and the easiest people to trick are those that are close, their own children, younger family, pupils, choir boys or any kid they can lure away from the people who wanted to protect us.

Dave, this is a very profound "answer" to "why" and a very profound thot as well.

We talk & hear so much about how our perps were in a position of strength & power over us, it's easy to forget that they were really the weak ones
so weak they can only have power over vulnerable small trusting children.

Even then we were stronger than them becuz we survived what they in their pathetic weakness did to us!

"Why me ?" is something we all ask, no matter what the circumstances were, and it isn't our question - it's the abusers question.
It's the question they have to live with.

Damn right bro! It's not a question I need to have
eating away at me anymore. It was their abuse, and
it is their question! To live with if they can, to die with as they will...

For us to try to answer that question for ourselves is, I believe, feeding our sense of guilt and shame. And our energy is far better spent asking "where next ?"

Dave

Dave my stars brother that is another really deep & powerful point! No wonder my T keeps leading me back to not asking "why" so much the way I do.

Yes, "where next" is a much better question.

There may be facts related to the "why" that can help me get to the "where next." Beyond that it's not a question I find much good use for anymore.

Their abuse, their question, their problem...

Thanks Dave!

Victor

 

[Wuamei]

I wish it were like a book, turn the page start anew. That is what I am desperately trying to do now, make up for lost time hopefully with my wife who will also gain understanding.

Bob, here's some words on this from another Bob:

"you walk into a restaraunt,
strung out from the road;
and you feel the eyes opon you,
as your shaking off the cold.
you pretend it doesn't bother you,
but you just want to explode."

"sometimes you hear 'em talkin',
other times you can't:
all the same 'ole cliche's
'is that a woman or a man'.
and you always seem outnumbered,
you dare not make a stand."

"but here I am, on the road again
here I am, up on the stage
here I go, playing the star again
there I go, turn the page"...

(from "Turn the Page" by Bob Seger)

Bob what we can do is write new pages new chapters
heck even new books. I hope your wife will understand & help you write one together!

The hurt all this has caused everyone close to me in awful. My where next is to take everyday as it is. All the books say you can't take back yesterday but you can improve tomorrow. That is my goal
Thanks
Bob

Thank you Bob. Sharing your goal encourages me becuz that's my goal too, my where next. That's always been hard for me and it's gotten very difficult again lately. With the accident & being laid up I'm again feeling a lot of guilt & shame about the hurt & work I'm causing those close to me especially my dear wife. But I can't give up on taking one day at a time & trying to improve our tomorrows. Thanks again bro.

Victor

 

[Lloydy]

It's HISTORY.

Our abuse is history, I know we won't forget it, we're deeply affected by it but the only thing I do with history is find MY place in it and learn from it.

I can't change it - nobody can. Especially the facts of what happened to ME at their hands. Why should I waste time wondering why they did it, why pick on me, did I do something wrong ?
Whatever the answers to those questions are; do they change anything for ME. I don't think so.

I don't give a flying fuck about my abusers motives, or even what they did to a certain degree.
It happened.
The only importance I can attach to those questions gives me the single answer "IT WASN'T MY FAULT"

The energy I would use searching for those answers is far better used to seek the answers to my important question. How can I get past the results of their abuse ?

That's a simplistic view that I take about my abuse, a selfish one maybe. But it's focused on ME and MY recovery.

As I've moved on however I do consider those questions, but it's in a broader context of helping others by fully understanding the bigger picture. And I'm doing at a time when I'm safer from the upset and worry that the search for those answers would have caused maybe four or five years ago.

I believe we have to gain a certain amount of strength before we go there. ( and I'm not denying it can be a relevent question then )

Dave

 

[chuck]

What is most frustrating for me is I have flashbacks but my memeory is foggy. The SA happened when I was 10 and beyond but the incidents are extremely foggy. I have the evidence in my body. The rape was so bad that my tail bone is gone and I remember going to my mother asking her why I am bleeding from my rectum. I was never taken to the hospital or the doctor. She gave some ointment and it stopped. But the memory of the actual event is not there or the times after. The only one I remember was when I was 20 and then I view it as movie happening to someone else who looks like me by my father. Chuck

 

[ernie]

Thank you Victor and Dave. Abuse is such a powerful thing, can destroy a good person, can influence a mind that knows better and effect the most important thing in the world, a wife and family. I'm working like a bastard to get through this, your words, support and encouragement are so important right now. I would like to get on the tallest building in Portland and yell out, there is help, get it before it is too late. Abuse puts a whole new meaning to the "Cleaver Family, the Walton Family and for that matter the Munsters. In each case, the boys didn't get abused, time for a reality check at least in this household, the uncle was a depraved pervert, phoney, drunk and all that went with it. Thanks for letting me vent. You are in my prayers.
Bob

 

[Wuamei]

Our abuse is history, I know we won't forget it, we're deeply affected by it but the only thing I do with history is find MY place in it and learn from it.

Yeah Dave, kinda like making my own history instead of letting history make me!

I can't change it - nobody can. Especially the facts of what happened to ME at their hands. Why should I waste time wondering why they did it, why pick on me, did I do something wrong ?
Whatever the answers to those questions are; do they change anything for ME. I don't think so.

Just what my T keeps telling me and it makes good sense, bro. This just continues to give those arseholes power over me they dont' deserve. Power that is mine.

I don't give a flying fuck about my abusers motives, or even what they did to a certain degree.

I'm trying to get to that point. Sounds like a good place to be. And why should I care?

It happened.
The only importance I can attach to those questions gives me the single answer "IT WASN'T MY FAULT"

Bingo!

The energy I would use searching for those answers is far better used to seek the answers to my important question. How can I get past the results of their abuse ?

Yes. Life, and my energy, are too short as it is.

That's a simplistic view that I take about my abuse, a selfish one maybe. But it's focused on ME and MY recovery.

Simplistic perhaps, if selfish then by necessity & in a good way, I think.

As I've moved on however I do consider those questions, but it's in a broader context of helping others by fully understanding the bigger picture. And I'm doing at a time when I'm safer from the upset and worry that the search for those answers would have caused maybe four or five years ago.

That's what I'm trying to do I guess, but I'm probably not at that point yet...

Victor

 

[bowman]

Originally posted by Lloydy:

"Why" - because the abusers are weak - it's not us as kid's that are weak - it's them.
They pick on someone they can trick with a show of 'love and trust' and the easiest people to trick are those that are close, their own children...


I know this is true for sure. Neither of my parents are particularly aggressive people. In fact they are both pretty weak and timid around other adults. They don' hold management positions in their jobs, etc. and yet they were able to use me to take out their needs. My father only abused me when I was young, five and under. The only reason he could push me around was because I was so small. My mother was able to use her weakness and patheticness (pretend its a real word) to manipulate me, sice I always felt like an a**hole if I tried to resist her emotional needs.

I still have a hard time with the difference of how harmless and timid they seem now versus how they were then. The abuse from them actually came up a few years ago in some thereapy I was getting then for an incident of non-familial abuse, but I just couldn't reconcile the contradiction, and shelved the whole issue. I thought my perceptions were full of crap.

Kids don't have control over who is in their family. Kids, unfortunately, are born small. They are at the mercy of anyone who is larger or more mentally sophisticated than they are. They should be protected by their parents, that's how the system is supposed to work. Parents are supposed to be on the alert for predators. It makes me sick that they do this to us and then have us hating ourselves for it. That is the ultimate mindf**k. They do this to us, and then they criticise us for the consequences that show up in our adult lives. Huh.

 

[ernie]

The best defense we have to stop the maddness is to learn from what happened to us and provide a good environment for our own children. One of support, encouragement. Not be so wrapped up in ourselves and our needs that history repeats itself. Be strong, be glad you have recognized the abuse, it is an uphill battle but, it can be won.
Bob