my sister

my sister
B

batcountry

Registrant
ok, well, ive been brooding on this all a long time and maybe its time to post...

well for those who dont know i went to visit my sister and her son (8 yrs old) at christmas. it went pretty well i guess. but seeing her again after these last few months, i now have a lot more to think about and im not sure how to feel on many things...

made one attempt to mention the abuse, bad idea i know, she shot me that look and i shut right up. (we were abused together she knows about it of course but we pretend it didnt happen, or at least, we NEVER talk about it or even insinuate towards it.) but at least she wasnt being harsh. just letting me know that she still refuses.

i dunno why i cant just keep my mouth shut. i used to be the best at keepign secrets...

i feel like im not the same person at all anymore. my sister told me i look terrible and shes worried about me. she also wouldnt let me drink while i was there except on christmas eve/chrstimas night but it was easy to sneak around when she didnt know, what, is she my mom or something? well it was her place so whatever.

there was one night that was pretty bad, i had real bad nightmares that night, she woke me up from them. we slept in the same bed some nights, i know, its weird, btu, its not even a sexual thing its just something we have done a lot and we did when we were babies and kids. we are twins so maybe its a little bit less weird. so yeah that was really embarassing to have her wake me, i guess i was moving around a lot or making noise or something. and when im woken right out of sleep for a few minutes im every confused and foggy, and when im coming out of nightmares, i am afraid. and i didnt know what was going on but for once my sister was there, when always other times i would just wish for her, but now she was there.

but instead of that making me feel better for some reason it didnt do that, i cried instead. and it was terrible looking back on it but at the time i wasnt even really all there. sometimes i feel like a little kid when i wake up. especially from the nightmares. i felt like we were kids and i was afraid.. and of course she didnt laugh at me or anything she comforted me but once i got back to myself i felt so ashamed, im a grown man here, not a child. i had to go sleep on the couch and i couldnt look her in the face. thinking about it still makes me feel like shit. but, although she can be the biggest bitch ever when she wants to, she also knows when to let things go.. and she was kind, she didnt say anything about it, we pretended it didnt happen. and thats good i guess.

i think at the time though ... i dont know. its been such a long time. i really dont cry ever if i can help it and certainly not in front of anyone else even if its my twin sister. but it felt kind of weird in a way i cant explain, not a bad way, but, something im not used to, she just hugged me and tried to comfort me, till i got a hold of myself. there was some feeling there i cant explaion. i dont know.

i dunno if she knew what my dream was about. i didnt say. but maybe she knew anyway that it was about our little brother...

sometimes i wish i could know what she thinks about it now, these days, if she blames me or herself or if she hates herself forit, but its another thing we cant talk about, ever. sometimes i wish we didnt have all these secrets from ourselves...

and i dont know anymore how to feel, about our relationship, or anything between us. i just have no idea. i know its a fucked up relationship and i know if anybody knew they would be disgusted but that doesnt mean i can stop it or if i even want to. we have had a sexual relationship, since forever. and we still do. and maybe we always will. i dont know. i know its "wrong" but i dont think it feels wrong to me, its just fucked up due to so many different reasons.. but i love her... ad maybe she loves me.. i dont even know anymore
 
BC,

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time right now, and it's sad that you aren't able to talk to your sister about things that are really important.

My first impression based on your description is that when you came out of the nightmare, your sister was there, and that allowed you to feel safe enough in some manner to be able to cry and let some of the repressed pain out. I think it's a good thing; crying helps us heal our wounds from the past. You said you don't cry often. perhaps you were feeling strange because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and let someone see the pain you've been hiding for so long.

Just a guess, but what you might be feeling is a combination of anxiety for letting your defenses down, fear because you don't know where you stand with your sister, and relief because of taking some of the emotional pressure off.

Am I close?
 
actually yes dewey.. i think thats just about right. mixed in with embarassment i guess, but otherwise i think you are spot on. thanks for verbalizing what i couldnt... :)
 
Personally, I think it is great that you can share what happened and are so open and frank about it. I suspect under the circumstances that you both were exposed to as kids, you are both doing the best that you could do. Having sex together may freak out some but the important thing here I think is that you both needed some level of comfort and you found it in each other.
Who am I to judge or anyone else really?


I would love to see you continue to look inside and discover what is there. Understanding you and your needs as well as how they fit into the past is really important. For me, it took some really insightful therapists to help me sort it all out. You have made some choices in the past that you may want to re-consider or may not. You don't have to be a complete victum of the past (at least that is what I keep telling myself)and it makes alot of sense. Hope you continue to grow, learn and get to a place where you are accepting of what is.

Barney
 
batcountry,

I'm glad that you got to visit with your sister again. I agree with Dewey in that I think it made you feel safe enough to cry. Crying can be a very good release for bottled up emotions. From reading your story, I'm sure that you have a lot more crying to do. I hope you are able to find a safe place to let it all out.

I'm glad that you are part of our community here at Male Survivor!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
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