My siblings abuse and how to approach it

My siblings abuse and how to approach it
T

time2heal

Registrant
I have an older brother who was abused as well. I never saw it but I did hear it through closed doors as I am sure he did for me. He an I have had a relationship that stemmed from avoidance and that includes of each other for the most part. We have never talked about it as he hides his as I hide mine. 4 and 1/2 years ago I got married and my brother and his wife came to my wedding. My brother and I had preparations to make levaing his wife and my future wife alone together. They talked and by my wife's words recently and my inquiry of my wife they both knew of the abuse. Probably general stuff as my wife knew but it was acknowledged by his wife without either of our consent or knowledge. Now as I move forward I want to help him open that chapter of his life and see it as I do to help him become a person without the suffering it has caused. I by no means am even 30% recovered but I feel a hell of lot better today than even 3 weeks ago.

How do I approach this without damaging him further with his denials, shame, humilation and guilt?

I have thought I would approach through his wife subtly. I do not know if he has sought help or even disclosed much more than general information to her. I want to have a relationship with him instead of avoiding him because of something neither of us were at fault to. I want to break the control my father still has over us both and I know that is one of the last remaining controls he has other than my silence to my fathers family.
 
I have a sister who was also abused by the same perp.

We didnt speak until his trial.

It may just be enough for you both to acknowledge that it happened to each other, then not speak of it again. As with my sister.

Go for a drive, a walk in the hills, on the beach and just "spit it out"

Aside from your brother your first responsibility is to you, that what you make what you give to those around you all the more quality.

That sounds so lame, Im sorry. I hope it helps.....
 
What about saying "I think we have something in common, that did neither of us any good"?!

Just a suggestion - will take a bit of saying for the first time!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Time2Heal,

I too have a brother that was abused by the same perps I was. 18 months or so after my memories started surfacing I began wanting to talk to him about the dark things we had avoided talking about for so many years. I was afraid to talk about it, so I did nothing.

Then I found this place. I started to talk about it in this safe environment and gained a lot of courage. One of the men here has a poem title for his sig line and I got curious about it so did an internet search. The name of the poem was "Who Will Cry for the Little Boy" by Antwone Fisher. Along with various quotes that have great meaning to me, I emailed a copy of that poem to my brother. That opened the door for us to talk about our abuse.

We are both members here now and traveling this path toward healing together, along with all the brothers here. I am so glad I found this place and gained the courage from these guys to reach out to him. I have this big "happy spot" in my heart knowing that we have talked and grown so much closer.

I don't know what would be the best course for you to take. I chose to "bait" my brother with things that I knew would open the door should he be willing to talk. Others here have suggested the direct approach and just start talking to him about it. Whatever you choose to do, I think you need to go into it with the understanding that he might not yet be in a place where he can or will want to talk about it.

I think your desire to reach out to him says a lot of good things about the person you are. I'll be sending good thoughts your way as you contemplate how to handle this situation. If things go well, you might want to invite him to join us here.

Lots of love,

John
 
I too have been thinking of talking to my brother of things of the past

I tried a bit a couple of years ago - he was'nt ready to talk then - perhaps he is ready now?

I believe that John has got it right in that we need to go slow in talking to our brothers about the past - we can't just dump the whole works on them and expect that they'll be able to take it - sometimes it takes years before they are able to talk about it...

John - glad my sig line could be an inspiration to you...

TJ jeff
 
time2heal,

How about an email to him, something that gives him an "out" if he isn't ready to talk?

I have tapped out an idea below. Use it, forget it, modify it, whatever.

Much love,
Larry

##############

Dear xxxx,

You and I have known for a long time that we share a terrible pain and secret from our childhood. I hope you know, as I do, that neither of us was to blame.

For many years it was not possible for me to talk about this, but I can now see that talking is an important way for facing what happened and healing from its terrible impact. I have made a lot of progress myself and I can assure you that the work and the risk is worth it.

If you feel you can talk about this with me I would be happy and honored for us to face this together. I would of course respect your confidence. But I do not want to push you or make you feel unsafe about things. I hope you will reply and feel you can talk to me, but if this is not yet possible I understand.
 
I have sent an email to my sister in law last night. It was simple with outs on both sides. I have yet to have a response.

xxxxxx,

Has xxxx talked to you about his childhood? It is time he and I move past this point in our lives.


I was very general in my email and if she knows I think she will repsond appropriately. Thoughts?
 
time2heal,

One problem about bringing in a third party, even a trusted one, is that the guy you really need to talk to might feel that he is being cornered. In this case, he might feel that he is being left with little choice since now both you and his wife know, and know that the other knows, and so on.

Another is that the decision to come forward and talk really has to be his. He needs to be able to look back and say, yes, this is what I wanted to do. Otherwise he may feel disempowered and that would not be helpful.

But you know the people involved and it looks like your sister-in-law is a sensitive and caring partner. I guess you just have to wait and see what she says.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

I know what your saying. I debated it for awhile and decided that the door to him is closed to me. His wife if she has been disclosed to as I think she has, would be able to show him MS where as I would be cornering him by even suggesting it. That was my thought process.
 
time2heal,

In that case it sounds like you have taken the only route really open to you. Doing something is surely a better proposition than just giving up on him. I hope it all works out for the best. So many times these decisions are incredibly difficult to make.

Much love,
Larry
 
Got my email back tonight. It was short but opened the door to get him here and help him progress towards healing. Time for him to take the power away from the abuser as well.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top