My second step as a survivor.

My second step as a survivor.
T

tony121

New Registrant
This is all new to me, first time to post on a message board, first time to read the stories of others just like me, and first time to seek help.

Last month I broke 26 years of silence. A dear friend approached me and asked if i had been sexually abused as a child. I acted the same as I always have and denied it, but she said she knew and that i could not hide it forever. She did know, she pointed out many of my signs that I thought was hidden so well. My secrete was no longer mine to bear alone. Before I knew it I had told her most of what had happened to me as a child. I saved her, and me, form all the details, but I told her most of them. I felt better. I was amazed at how good it felt to finally talk to someone about it. We have talked about it several times since then and it has helped. She has encouraged me to seek help, but I have continued to avoid it.

I now find that good feeling is no longer there. Once again I cant stop thinking about it. I am sick with myself and feel so much sadness and guilt. I cry so much now. I cant do this on my own no more. I need help, but I am too embarrassed to speak about it face to face. I still cant take people knowing what I did. So I turned to the internet and found this website.
I read the stories, feelings, pain, and thoughts of others just like me. Your stories have helped and inspired me to stop running. I decided to take my second step. I decided to speak to others about my problem. I just have to do it anonymously. It took me a week of reading this website to registered and post my message. Numerous times I sat down and started only to stop and run. I hope someday I can find the courage to seek help without feeling the need to remain anonymous. Maybe that will be my next step.

I tried to keep this message sterile, because I am not ready to share all of my details and pain. I dont even know what would be the appropriate venue to come forth with the details. Until I do, I will keep looking.

I am not ready to speak of the things that happened, just to say that I am a victim of child sexual abuse.
 
Tony be gentle with yourself, I am glad you could share some of it with another person.

You are in a good place here.

MJ
 
Tony,

I and so many others here will totally identify with what you are saying. After bottling everything up for years, if the first experience of letting it out goes well our reaction is almost euphoric. It feels so good to let go a bit!

But that first step never lasts bro. Not for you or me or anyone. There is so much else to do, so many unresolved issues to work on. We somehow come to realize that telling someone or opening up was just a small first step, and as we begin to sense how much else there is to do it's really intimidating and frightening.

But the point is that you took that crucial first step! You are saying here I am, I need help. That's a great achievement after years of silence. Try to trust yourself to communicate to the rest of us as you feel able to do so. No post here is sterile. Everything you say is something from you reaching out to the rest of us. Set your own pace, do and say what you can as you can, and let the rest of us support you. This is a band of brothers, and you will find that you have helpful things to say to others as well.

Welcome to Male Survivor; you're in a safe place.

Larry
 
Keep stepping forward ...

I looked at this site 6 months ago and couldn't deal with reading the posts. I came back to it and just observed for 2 weeks before posting. It's hard to read this site let alone post. You've made important steps forward ... keep moving at your own pace.
 
Hey Tony,

I know what you mean about avoiding seeking a therapist. It can be really scarey looking at it from where you are now. I was the same way. Took me a while but I finaly did it. You will too when the time is right.

In the mean time hang around here with us. It's a good place to be even if the reason we are here is so sad. There's a lot of support here. These guys have helped me so much. I owe them a lot.

Just keep making those little steps. We'll be here to help you along the way and believe it or not you will be helping us as well.

Courage,

John
 
Tony,
Welcome brother, we are all here to support you in any way we can. If that means taking little steps towards the goal, any steps forward are good. I hope that you can find a place and time when you can feel ok to share this with another person besides your friend who helped you break the silence. I know it is hard to do this face to face with a therapist but if it helps, you can feel that as also a totally (minus one) anonymous forum. good luck to you and keep coming back, if only to read other posts and know that you are not alone in this.

Peace and love. Jack
 
Tony,

I am glad you are here. It took me months of reading the site to start posting. I was so scared, but the more support I got, the more courage I developed (not that I always felt better, as I think I felt what was appropriate). Then, I wrote my story. A big step. It gets easier everyday. There are ups and downs, but at least things are moving. I was terrified about seeking a therapist, and found a great one from the site. Then, I went also scared, but it got easier. I know I am doing the right thing by working on healing. My wife asked why I need a therapist, and I had to tell her that I've thought about it for 25 years and not gotten very far, I needed help. That is okay.

So, hang in there! Good luck and we're pulling for you.
 
Welcome, Tony. When you're ready to talk, we're ready to listen. This is a good place with good people. They care. They want to help. Take your time....read. You'll find that we all share many things. The main thing we share is understanding. Bobby
 
Tony - it's a bit like Pandora's Box - once you take the lid off....it won't go back on!


That's a good thing to get all that crap out in the open - sounds like you have a good friend....just remember that you are the one that dictates the pace of your recovery!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Tony - welcome. Take your time as to how often you read posts. You'll know when you feel strong enough to visit and also when to stay away for a time. Post when you are ready.

What I've found is best for me is to generally stick to one board (Male Survivors). I find that if I visit other boards I need to think to much about what's the purpose for this board and how should I respond in here? The content here is raw enough without (me at least) having to mentally place myself in the correct "mode". I've ventured into others such as Family & Friends and I naturally want to help those people but I realise that I need help first - so I give myself permission to help myself as a priority.

We will all eagerly look forward to getting to know you in this safe place.
 
Aloha Tony OH! I hear you loud and clear it took me 46 years to start telling my story. I have been in therapy for 18 months and it hasn,t been much fun but it has been the best thing that I have done for "ME". Do it at your own pace - be good to yourself - and do it for YOU and one last thing the folks at this web site are GREAT there like my life line. GOOD LUCK!
 
deleted by me.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
FYI - Tony121 started this particular topic in October of 2005. He has not been heard from in over 3 years.
 
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