my (second) first post
Hi everybody,
I posted the other night in the unmoderated forum, but I thought I'd post again here. Forgive me if this seems redundant or over-eager, but it seems like this is where the real discussion is.
My therapist told me about this site last week and I've been reading everyone's posts with such empathy.
I started going to a therapist as soon as i could afford it. I was 27 then. That was last year. I've been going once a week for the last year, except in the summer when I was out of town.
I don't know when my abuse started. In fact, I don't know if it happened at all. I have no memory of abuse. But I do suffer from many of the same problems that I've read about here and in books on the subject.
My sexuality is a total mystery to me. While I identify myself as straight, for years I have been compelled to have sex with older, white haired men. I hated doing it, but I couldn't stop. When I was on the way to the older men's gay bar, it felt like my legs were going there and I couldn't control them. After a few drinks, the part of me that wanted to leave was quiet enough to let me go home with another anonymous older man.
When I started therapy last year, I was dating a girl who had been a friend for years before (actually, she was the ex-girlfriend of a good friend of mine -- for anyone considering this arrangement, it's a BAD idea!). My relationship with her made me strong enough to make the first steps to therapy.
The hardest part was telling her and my other friends what was going on in my life -- that I was in therapy and why. But I had to, in essence, lie to them. I told them that I was abused, when I was confident that I was not. Yet, I still FELT like I had been even though I had no memory of it.
When that girl decided that we shouldn't date any more, I was destroyed. I wept and sobbed in ways that to my friends seemed unnatural. I was never able to really cry before that point, but I sure have since.
After a year and change of therapy, things are very different. My sexual encounters with men have dropped to almost zero (only once since the New Year), and my online sexual behavior is in the basement too -- it still happens, but not nearly as much. I am much more confident flirting and talking to women, but I'm still not getting laid like I think I deserve to be.
All you guys here are my heroes. Thank you for reading this.
-Jim.
I posted the other night in the unmoderated forum, but I thought I'd post again here. Forgive me if this seems redundant or over-eager, but it seems like this is where the real discussion is.
My therapist told me about this site last week and I've been reading everyone's posts with such empathy.
I started going to a therapist as soon as i could afford it. I was 27 then. That was last year. I've been going once a week for the last year, except in the summer when I was out of town.
I don't know when my abuse started. In fact, I don't know if it happened at all. I have no memory of abuse. But I do suffer from many of the same problems that I've read about here and in books on the subject.
My sexuality is a total mystery to me. While I identify myself as straight, for years I have been compelled to have sex with older, white haired men. I hated doing it, but I couldn't stop. When I was on the way to the older men's gay bar, it felt like my legs were going there and I couldn't control them. After a few drinks, the part of me that wanted to leave was quiet enough to let me go home with another anonymous older man.
When I started therapy last year, I was dating a girl who had been a friend for years before (actually, she was the ex-girlfriend of a good friend of mine -- for anyone considering this arrangement, it's a BAD idea!). My relationship with her made me strong enough to make the first steps to therapy.
The hardest part was telling her and my other friends what was going on in my life -- that I was in therapy and why. But I had to, in essence, lie to them. I told them that I was abused, when I was confident that I was not. Yet, I still FELT like I had been even though I had no memory of it.
When that girl decided that we shouldn't date any more, I was destroyed. I wept and sobbed in ways that to my friends seemed unnatural. I was never able to really cry before that point, but I sure have since.
After a year and change of therapy, things are very different. My sexual encounters with men have dropped to almost zero (only once since the New Year), and my online sexual behavior is in the basement too -- it still happens, but not nearly as much. I am much more confident flirting and talking to women, but I'm still not getting laid like I think I deserve to be.
All you guys here are my heroes. Thank you for reading this.
-Jim.