my relationship guide

[greenwizard]

I shared a little of my relationship in another topic, and was told it was inspiring. I'm thinking and hoping that maybe if I go into some more detail here it might help some of you. I know every person and relationship is different, but here is how it worked for me.

Believe me, I have never had that much luck in the dating scene before. But after the whole mess happened my mental state got worse, and my few friends noticed. They got together and decided what I needed to cheer me up was a woman. My best friend since like the 5th grade knew this really nice woman and decided to fix us up. Lucky for me he warned her beforehand that I am a bit socially awkward. After the incident my social anxiety around women got even worse, so you can imagine how much fun a blind date was for me. But she was really nice and patient, and even said at the end of the date that even though I was a bundle of nerves all night I seemed cool and she wanted to see me again. Having a relationship was a scary concept, but you know what they say, no risk equals no reward. I decided to give her a chance because I had a little talk with myself and realized that just because one woman pulled what she did didn't mean all women would do such a thing.

Fast forward a month. Things were going okay. We hadn't had sex yet, much to her frustration I think. Between the two of us I am the cook, but she decided to invite me to her place for dinner. After we ate she invited me to her couch to watch some TV. I was beginning to start to be comfortable with her, so I didn't see much harm in that. But then she started making very strong sexual advances. I had a full blown panic attack. She realized what was going on and asked me what the hell.

Now, by that point I was pretty disillusioned with the world. I had told some people what happened, and got very frustrating responses. I've been told awesome you scored! I've been told to chill out, it's okay to have some one night stand regret, but it is not okay to make up stories. I even got told by one guy it was pretty low of me to accuse the poor woman of something so horrible because the sex was bad. But I had this woman who seemed really nice wanting to know what was going on. I thought it was likely I'd get more of the same, and she might even break up with me over it, but what the hell. If I stayed silent she might've broken up with me anyway because I was sexually rejecting her. So, I told her. She believed me. My jaw hit the floor as she started apologizing for triggering me. Then we had a little conversation about it. She asked what she could do to make things easier for me so she didn't trigger me again. I told her that for one thing, ask permission before she touched me. At that point I needed to be in control over physical contact. It sounds completely crazy, but she started doing it. Sometimes like when watching TV she would touch me without thinking about it. To fix that she came up with the use of a safe word. It can be used at any time for any reason that I feel uncomfortable. It was a good idea because it gives me a sense of power over things. I can let small things go like her touching my thigh without thinking about it because I know I have the power to end it. It did take some testing on my part, and full cooperation on her part for it to work.

Jump to three months later. Her landlord decided to up her rent and she couldn't afford it anymore. She started looking for another place she could afford, but she couldn't find a place that would allow her dog. My landlord would allow her dog, so the topic of her moving in with me came up. That is a big step for anyone. I was okay having her over for a few hours in the evening, but really, to have her here all the time? I did a lot of thinking about it. For three months this woman had been putting up with my craziness, and even though she didn't always know how, she had always tried to help. And then there she was in need of help. I came to the conclusion that a good relationship is about give and take, and if I had an opportunity to help her I probably should.

It was not easy. At first I had her move into the second bedroom. She kept putting up with my craziness to make things as smooth as possible. It required a lot of open communication. Then eventually I let her move into my bedroom with me.

The long and the short of this is that we both work hard to make things go as well as they do. She really tries, and even when her efforts don't really make me feel better, I acknowledge that she tried and I thank her for it. I have had to really push the boundaries of my comfort zone at times. Because she has been nothing but supportive I find it worth it. She then shows appreciation because she knows it's not easy.

Sometimes it would probably be easier for me to clam up and push her away, but I don't. I can't always find the words to express how I'm feeling, but I try. I figure that if she can put so much effort into me, then the least I can do is be open with her. Again, not always comfortable, but days like yesterday... I really needed a little TLC yesterday, and she gave it to me. Over the last 18 months she has proven time and time again that she is in my corner no matter what. That means a lot to me.

 

[WontGiveUp]

GreenWizard (LOVELOVE LOVE the name by the way!!!)

Your story is an inspiration for sure. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us. Your openness and consideration of your girlfriend is humbling. Its really awesome to see you give back such kindness that she has given to you. For me, as a wife to a survivor, that give and take is VERY VERY limited to alot of take from me and little to no give. I love your system and how you did things. Its a beautiful thing.

It seems that you are showing love to your girlfriend by being honest with her and allowing her to adjust things so that she can show YOU affection with out harming you. That is a true gift my friend! And that she is responding with respect and being in your corner, that is wonderful!

I think you are for sure doing a good thing, being open, honest - that way both of your needs get meet. I wish you guys all the best and really hope that this progress and love continues .

THANK YOU so much for your post!

 

[JScott12]

That is an awesome story Greenwizard, sounds like yous have a real good thing going. I think I need to take a leaf out your book and start communicating more clearly and honestly.

Peace

 

[greenwizard]

The way I see things, she is not a mind reader. Like I said, it's not always the easiest or most comfortable thing to really open up, but from the moment I told her she has tried to be sensitive to it. I can't expect her to just magically know what I need, I've got to tell her. Although, from me talking to her and her getting to know me, she's gotten pretty good at being able to tell on her own now.

I realize it may be harder for others than it is for me. My experience was just one night that I have no memory of. Abuse that went on for a period of time, I can see how it would be extremely difficult to open that can of worms. It's just that in my experience it's better in the long run to have that give and take. I kind of see it as being like ripping off a band aid. The quicker you do it the less it hurts long term. If I had clammed up on her I think eventually she would've gotten frustrated to the point of leaving me. Then days like yesterday I would've just wallowed all day by myself and maybe still wallowing today.

Instead, she came home and could tell instantly by the look on my face what was wrong. She went right into 'mother hen' mode. Made me eat because I don't when I fall into the pit. Then she went out and bought me all my favorite junk food and we cuddled on the couch watching stuff on Netflix. By the time we went to bed I felt better.

I have relaxed around her a lot now. She still needs to ask permission first before doing anything sexual, but she can come home from work and give me a hug and kiss on the cheek no problem now. My brain has registered her as safe since she's been my main source of support and comfort.

 

[WontGiveUp]

GreenWizard, it seems to me you have learned to trust, and let go some. What a wonderful step you have taken. Letting her share in your life like that is a gift to you BOTH. Believe me, I wish every wish that my husband would have your philosophy. To him, everything is just control... and I cant do anything right. I am punished, but he wont tell me what to do. So I just keep trying, and keep making mistakes. Seriously, I would give anything to have him even give anything back... even a fraction of the step you have taken.

I am sure that you still have a long road ahead of you, but it sounds like you have a warrior by your side, ready to hand you your shield and sword when its time to face the monster. (I like to see partners as squires to the survivor knights, on the way to slay the dragon. Only the knight can slay the dragon, but the squire can be there to sharpen the sword, repair the shield, and make sure the knight has all he needs - support, nourishment and companion ship.)

Keep doing what you are doing, and I am betting that it will be so second nature in time that it wont even be a thought to be open, and physical. All in your time my friend!

 

[greenwizard]

WontGiveUp, I think it is great that you're still trying with your husband. I understand the need for control. Like I said, I was like that in the beginning, with my body anyway. Even a light touch on the shoulder would set me on edge if I wasn't asked first. I was probably not easy to live with.

Since I could tell she honestly wanted to help I told her what I needed the best I could. Maybe your husband doesn't even really know himself? I can't always put my feelings into words.

I see it as a gift to myself. She knows how to make me feel better, and when she can she does. She is definitely my squire. If I just need to rant and carry on she'll sit and listen. If I need a shoulder to cry on she'll do that too. All I have to do to get what I need is tell her if I know myself. There are limits of course. She can't do an 'I Dream of Jeanie' blink and put my abuser behind bars, even though that would help tremendously. I think a vacation to somewhere tropical would be awesome, but we can't afford it. We can't afford for me to go to therapy either, which royally sucks.

 

[WontGiveUp]

GW - thankyou for that. I love him very much, but am taking him at his word that he wants to leave. So be it right? *sad smile*

You are doing the right thing for sure, I posted a while back about how we partners are not mind readers. Sometimes I really think my husband thinks I am. There are times when he gets angry with me because I am not doing something or not responding - when he hasnt even verbalized to me what he wanted. He is very very very disconnected from his own self. I honetly think he actually has a secondary condition called Alexithymia, which is essentially emotional blindness. Where you can FEEL everything, but cannot put those feelings in to words etc. Here is an article about that: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/the-emotional-blindness-of-alexithymia/

Truly - it is a gift to both yourself and your girlfriend. Not only are you enabling her to meet YOUR needs, but I suspect you are helping meet her needs by trusting her enough to have that intimacy, knowing what your needs are. Its absolutely precious. I would give anything to have that. Seriously - I would. It sounds like you both have found something worth fighting for... and that is brilliant.

I hope that things change so that you both get in a situation to be able to afford therapy. In the mean time - there are many books you can read that will help, and you will always find support and care here. Have you read Victims No Longer (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ICPUWJO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) and The Journey To Sexual Healing (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) ? If not, I highly recommend them. I learned about them here on this forum, and I swear - they saved me. They might be helpful for you too. I think you can even get the Victims No Longer as a PDF online.

Shoot - I wanna go somewhere tropical too! :-D My husband and I always dreamed of just laying on the beach drinking a couple of corona's with lime, watching the waves and basking in the sunlight. Its a dream I still cling to and hope for.

 

[WontGiveUp]

I found that post I was talking about: https://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=505510#Post505510 You are doing what sounds like an amazing job helping your girlfriend help you. This is a WONDERFUL thing!

 

[greenwizard]

Yeah, I think I got really lucky with her and the self realization that I needed the help that was being offered. It's like the perfect person came along at the perfect time.. like fate...

Unfortunately, I don't see our financial circumstances changing much anytime soon. I am on Disability for bi-polar disorder and pretty severe general anxiety disorder, so I already had a full mental/emotional plate when this happened. I am usually okay when medicated, but I proved pretty well that I can't handle the stress that comes with a full time job. My girlfriend works in fast food. She didn't even graduate high school, but with my support we did get her into a GED class last year, so she has that now at least.

I do have Medicare insurance, and a supplement thing that is supposed to cover therapy. I tried to go last summer, thinking it would only be a $35 per visit co pay. Then I got a bill for $166 for 2 visits. Not sure what happened there except that my insurance has been refusing to really pay for a lot of things recently. Deductables and all that, I don't really understand it.

I would really like to go on another cruise to the Bahamas. I did get to go on one right before my 18th birthday. My one cousin decided to get married on a cruise ship. They had the ceremony and everything while the boat was still docked so that people could attend without going on the cruise. But my mom decided that we deserved a little treat and she scraped together the money to go. We didn't really get to do much. All of their fun activities cost extra, but they sent us a catalog like a month before we went because I guess you had to sign up for the stuff before hand, and my mom did let me pick one thing. Being an animal lover I picked swimming with a dolphin, and that was fricken awesome! I had a picture somewhere of the dolphin kissing my cheek, and I have no idea what happened to it. And even though my birthday wasn't until the day after the cruise ended, my cousin actually told the cruise people it was my birthday and the first night I got sang to and cake! Our room also got decorated with streamers. Yeah, I had to share a tiny little windowless room with my mom, but meh... I still thought it was pretty cool of my cousin to think of me on her big day.

 

[WontGiveUp]

GW - WOW that cruise sounds like an amazing trip! What lovely memories you have - those are the real treasures right there.

Yeah, sounds like you guys were just exactly what you each needed. I find that when someone makes you WANT to do better, then that is a gift. It seems that you are also a gift to her, encouraging her and making it possible for her to get her GED. That is really a great thing! Sounds like you both are just now starting to get things figured out, as time goes by, keep working at it, try to work where you can, learn how to save and budget (if you have not heard of Dave Ramsey, I HIGHLY encourage you to check him out - was an amazing help to me. He is religious, but his methods absolutely work to help you get out of financial trouble). Anyhow, dont let your current financial situation get you down. Think about where you were before - both of you. And look at where you are NOW. You have eachother, you have someone who is supportive and encouraging and understanding, and she has someone who is inspiring her to achieve more in life. Sounds like a great beginning to me!

The books I mentioned before are pretty inexpensive on a kindle (or any reader software, you can read on your phone or even on your computer), but I do think you might get some good from them.

Set some goals, little SMALL goals, and meet them. Get in the habit of that, and you will learn to set bigger and bigger goals. We all gotta start somewhere. I remember, my first husband (he passed away back in 2010) and I had no money. We had just moved to another state, and literally we had 2.30 to our name. We had no place to cook, so we went to this resturant called Friendlys (its a New England thing LOL). All we could get was a plain potato to split between us. That cost 1.99, and we left the rest for out tip. We told the waiter up front what we had, and he was AMAZING. He was so kind to us. We had nothing though, and we slowly but surely got it together. We would go on to buy a house, have good jobs and a great life. Its those precious memories that to me are a treasure. I know things seem so hard right now, but look to eachtother, be kind to eachother and be kind to yourself.

 

[greenwizard]

Yeah, things are looking up a little bit. When I met her she was working at McDonald's under a terrible manager with few hours and crap pay. I mean, this was a female manager, and when she went out to the dining area to bring a guy his food they were holding on he grabbed her ass. She smacked him. This manager came out and apologized to him for her behavior and threatened to fire her over it. Yes, female employees at that place are just supposed to take any kind of abuse the customers feel like giving out. She even once came home out of sorts because some guy decided that after asking for no pickles on his cheeseburger but accidentally getting pickles anyway he could tell her she was such a worthless piece of crap she should just kill herself because she couldn't make a cheeseburger right. Mind you, she didn't make the cheeseburger, just took his order. During this screaming match while the manager hid in her office the guy who did make the order came to her defense and told the customer to chill. That made the manager come out real fast and again apologize profusely to the customer for the employees being worthless and talking back, and the guy was threatened with being fired. Some people, seriously... I have always found that when a mistake is made on my order just grabbing someone's attention and calmly pointing out the mistake gets it fixed no problem 9 times out of 10.

Anyway, the wife of one of her co workers she became friends with pointed her to the place she was working on the Turnpike. Much better pay with a much better environment. During the summer travel season the money was really good. The downside was she started working like 60 hours a week, which leaves me by myself more. My support system was hardly ever home, but we were better able to put food on the table and she's been much happier. It really made her day when a customer started screaming at her for something and a manager came right out and told the customer to chill or leave.

The winter slow season has been a little tougher. She's home more, but we aren't seeing the money we were in the summer. Corporate got a bug up their butts about labor costs, so now she works more like 35 hours a week. Still, she's making a dollar more an hour now, and at McDonald's she was only getting like 20 hours a week. I'm not being handed $50 and being told that's our grocery budget for 2 weeks anymore.

She comes from a history of emotional abuse as a child. I've met her mother, and I see it myself. She did drop a bit of a bombshell on me this morning, she's apparently a Domme and has decided it's finally safe to tell me. The ball is completely in my court as to what to do with that information at least. I've got some things to figure out now.

I can say that at least the lines of communication between us are open enough that I can still express how I feel.

 

[dark empathy]

@Green wizard, that is a great story, and also a good name, ---- are you named after the green wizard Carolinus in the flight of dragons film? A personal favourite of mine that one .

If you've not come across it Here is the opening sequence showing said wizard and one of his dragons.

My story is actually remarkably similar.

I was genophobic, (afraid of s/x), for years due to abuse as a teenager, mostly by girls. I couldn't even take my shirt off in public.
while the story of how my lady and I got together is rather different, also long, protracted and full of quite amusingly romance cliche moments, what happened was remarkably similar to what you describe.

I'd told my lady about the abuse and my genophobia, before we got together, I even asked her to give me my first kiss.

When we finally came to it, she was extremely patient and above all honest, indeed one of the things that helped hugely with my genophobia was simply understanding how much pleasure I could give her! that I wasn't automatically going to hurt someone just because of my feelings.
Discussions also let us discuss the mechanically, eg, what I would and would not find triggering, indeed I have probably told her more of what happened than anyone.

Some other things we've found helpful were reading Alex comfort's the joy of s/x together, and indeed his sequel, more joy, which not only gave us things to try out and let us discuss different preferences, moods, styles etc, but also gave us a rather better vocabulary for talking about what we did than the crass, unpleasant language that is usually used and was for me another part of my abuse.

she's also my best friend, heck we can just chat about books or duettes for hours (since we're both classically trained singers, which is actually part of how we met).

The fact that I'm out of the hole I've been stuck in for such a long time, is entirely due to my lady, and as of last July my lady is now my wife!

So I definitely understand just how valuable having someone you love to help with genophobia is, and congratulations.

As for what you say about her being a "domme" to be honest those sorts of rules are very flexible anyway, indeed this is one area where I quite liked comfort since rather than talking of one partner "dominating!" another, he talks of the "instrument" and the "player", even in more exotic scenarios, since it's just as much the player's job to give pleasure to the instrument as the other way around.

My lady and I tend to be fairly two way on such things, often switching roles, there is something of a %60 %40 bias in my lady's liking to be the instrument, but likely no more than that since I myself preer both roles.
It sounds like your lady Green wizard is both extremely kind, and also quite willing to talk over and explain things, and also be very much concerned with her love for you. Preferences in love making are like anything else you do together, always better when explained, discussed and understood between you, another reason I'd recommend reading Alex Comfort.

This is actually wy I realize both just different abuse is to making love done properly, turning a beautiful, intimate conversation into yelling insults at someone through a megaphone, and also why i realize that the traditional "man perform, woman passively give" nonsense " is indeed just outmoded, disgusting dehumanising utter crap, sexist on both counts.

Luke.
e

 

[greenwizard]

Dark empathy, I'm glad you also found a good lady. Good women are awesome! We have been talking and trying to figure out how she can get what she wants while I'm still reasonably comfortable. We took some very small baby steps this morning, and while I wouldn't call it that pleasant for me, it's normal I guess to do things you're not necessarily thrilled with to make your partner happy. Maybe this will be like everything else and my comfort will grow over time. There is definitely a difference between forced sex and willingly making love. When I'm relaxed, happy, and in the mood it can really be a great thing.

 

[dark empathy]

Actually Green wizard, the fact that you didn't enjoy it and weren't comfortable rings something of alarm bells for me.
even when your focused on someone else's pleasure, it should not automatically be unpleasant for you, indeed both for myself and my lady often we get the most pleasure focusing on the other person, even when we've tried things that are unconventional.

Since it sounds like your lady is extremely understanding, I'd suggest bringing this up and discussing this, since getting to know what the other person likes or doesn't like, how they prefer to be touched, what moods and styles and other things are needed etc is all part of loving someone, both in terms of the act, and in more general terms as well as part of everything else you do together.

I can again recommend Alex comfort here, especially if you stop occasionally and discuss things.

 

[greenwizard]

The way I see things, she does things for me all the time. It doesn't kill me to give a little back. She got a lot of joy out of it I think. It wasn't as bad as I was afraid it might be.