My recovery weekend (Possible Triggers)
Rather than tag my post onto another thread, I'm going to take my power and start my own thread.
Below are some excerpts of the journal I kept this weekend while at the retreat. These are the more general comments and reflections I wrote with some personal feelings about what was happening at the time.
Friday afternoon:
I've been here about 90 minutes and I still feel self-conscious and wary, like something is waiting to pounce. I'm certain it has to do with the uncertainty I feel surrounding what may happen here; what may be revealed to me. I've been on the verge of something for a long time. I hope that the dam will finally burst and I can finally feel again.
A note from something one of the facilitators said: The emotional dam must be deconstructed, not burst, so the outflow can be controlled.
Friday night:
Talked to [one of the counselors] about feelings I'm having. I'm feeling sort of "less than" because my experience was only one night and that I can't figure out exactly what it is that is bothering me otherwise.
[The counselor] pointed out that I am dealing with a lot of stuff right now between the job, the move, the abuse, etc. and that I should give myself a break.
Saturday morning:
Went on the morning meditation walk along the Chattahoochee river. At first it was fine, but as time went on I found myself consciously trying to not follow the walking rhythm of the person in front of me. That led to thoughts of always following another's expectations, and then beating myself up because of it. These thoughts seem to be distracting me from why I'm here.
During "check-in" one of the men said he wants "action" meaning emotional work. I agree. I'm feeling apprehensive and scared, but I'm wanting to bulldoze forward.
One of the songs they played said something like "It's only fear / that keeps you locked in here". I started tearing up but stopped myself just short of crying because I didn't want to be seen as weak or some sort of macho bullshit. I hate it.
Saturday evening:
It may be that surrender [referring to emotional control] is where the breakthrough may come. It's not a case of not being forward or moving on, but a matter of an issue that needs to be dealt with.
"Recovery is not a linear process."
"All humans have a point at which they will do what they must to survive. Realize that you are human, and will break; will reach that point." Don't hold it against yourself.
We told our story today, but not necessarily about the abuse itself. I told a short version of my mini-bio. When [everyone had told their story], we had a discussion about how it made us feel; what our thoughts were. Somehow we got on the topic of being emotionally turned off. [A counselor] asked me what emotions meant to me. My immediate answer was vulnerability and danger. I expanded on it and describe showing emotions at school and what happens when weakness is sensed by others. Talk turned to what it does to us. [One of the other survivors] said something about giving his kids a safe place to be themselves and have feelings and express them. About that time I started choking up, and I eventually [cried for a short time]. I couldn't look at anyone and I put my head down for a bit. [Another counselor] had me look around the room to see that I wasn't alone.
The weekend was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I felt an immediate bond with everyone there. It took a bit longer to feel safe enough to let my guard down, and a supreme act of will to break through the fear and shame to do everything I could to get the most out of the retreat.
Shame isn't just about being ashamed of what happened to me, it's also about the shame I
might feel if I do something we see as "unmasculine" or "immature".
It is the fear of shame that holds me back.
"It's only fear / that keeps [me] locked in here"
I'll add more later.
