My problematic relationship with alcohol (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)

My problematic relationship with alcohol (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Mark posted an interesting item in regards to alcoholism. it brings back some things I think about a lot. It's been on my mind for a couple of days now, but I think I want to talk about it.

It's always been a lot easier to bury my emotions, either with overeating, compusive spending, etc., and I'm still paying for it (putting one's life together can be a bitch :D ), but since this whole thing with my abuse started, I picked up a new wrinkle. I like binge-drinking. A lot.

I'm not what one consides a "classic" alcoholic. I can take drinking or leave it. I do like the occasional hard cider or Guinness, but usually that's it. But when under stress, I drink to hide from the pain and it takes a LOT of booze to drown that. Another way I know that a craving is coming on is that I crave strong spirits, such as rum straight, whiskey, or schnapps, to get the ball rolling right quickly. When I want to get hammered, I don't screw around.

I really don't know why I do this. My Dad's a recovering alcoholic, and that added to the fun of dealing with him growing up. My uncles on his side were all active alcoholics. I've seen firsthand how alcohol can screw up a life. But I can't help it. Like when the spending bug hits, I've got to drink until I'm delusional or unconscious.

Worse still, it doesn't even do the job I want it to do. Instead, it drags up all my abuse issues, both sexual and emotional, and I live through months and years of pain in minutes. And when i start binge-drinking, boy it's like a form of suicide. I just want to drink until I die. Something has always stopped me, but recently I came close to death because I slammed more than a quarter of a bottle of rum down my pie-hole in 10 minutes.

Fortunately, i've been able to stop myself in recent days, but it hasn't been easy. I get so tired of this frigging life that I want it over. And I don't care about Heaven or Hell, I just want it gone. And that's what keeps me from doing it now. That the first drink will lead to me not being able to stop. There's something very comforting about being on the bottom in a haze.

I get so scared of it. Even now, I do feel the pull of that bottle. Sometimes, I don't know how I resist it, but I do. I don't want to end up that way. It would be such a pathetic end.

But I keep making that promise. Not today. I won't do that today. I won't drink today. I'll drink when I want to, when I have control. Not when I need to.

I guess I just needed to rant. Thanks.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Scot,
Binge drinking and cravings are not good signs. Plus, there are strong claims that the genetic side of things will contribute also. Together, it means that you do have a weakness to alchohol. Whatever the reason is. You should try to address the actual reason and cause for your compulsive behaviors and avoid alchohol completely until you have, and possibly forever. You are a prime candidate to become a full fledged alcoholic. I would prefer that you do better things with your life than that.
Good luck.
:)
 
Scot - for years I have been getting drunk, thinking that I was enjoying myself every time.

I started with just a few pints a week at 13 (thankfully I didn't have that much money then for it to become a major issue). I moved on to drinking flagons of cider (gallon bottles) through plastic tubing at weekly house parties (usually laid on the floor listening to Hawkwind, Tangerine Dream & similar bands) when I was 15. When I started work properly, I used to go out drinking 7 nights per week. This lasted until I was about 30.

What I realise now is that I was drowning memories in many instances, rather than enjoying myself. *Although I did enjoy myself on a lot of occassions.

At around 30 I started using my brains towards better employment & couldn't afford to have hangovers everyday. I also now believe that that is when my memories started to come back fully - because I wasn't drowning them. It's taken me until recently to realise that!

Now I realise that if I drink when I am feeling down, it can be a slippery slope.

Sometimes when I'm in the house alone I fancy a drink, however if my mood is on the negative side, I won't follow it up now. I distract myself by doing something else.

If I am in a positive mood, then I have a bottle of red wine, a few cans & the guitar comes out! Lucky for the neighbours I play through remote headphones (amplified but no one else hears).

If I am out with friends, that puts me in a good mood & I can drink a swimming pool dry - I become a stupid jokey drunk (didn't for a while, but have got it back now).

So Scot - for me it is knowing when I can handle it & avoiding it when I can't. It's good that I can now distinguish my own frame of mind.

Hope this helps.
 
Scot please read what I said in this thread

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=003489;p=1#000008
 
Scot,

What you term as "binge drinking" can still be a form of alcoholism. That one of your parents was an alcoholic gives you that as a possibility. There is a type of alcoholic known as "the periodic". This is a person who doesn't drink everyday. But when they start they are out of control. That is not to say there are not some true binge drinkers.

I speak with knowledge here. My mother was a periodic. I sat with her in dozens and dozens of meetings, enough to know that it is a possibility.

You might want to go to this website and take the quiz. https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/default/en_about_aa.cfm?pageid=4

I hope this helps.

Marc
 
Edit: Marc must have posted while I was working on mine, the quizes are a little different, so if you want a 2nd opinion... PS I scored 8 yes on marc's test and 12 on mine, answering from before I stopped drinking.

I found this site that helps you realize if you are an alcoholic or not.

Click here to see if you are an alcoholic

Also, I AM NOT A DOCTOR (nor do I play one on TV) however, there is a supplement called L-Glutamine you can get at any GNC and probably any health food store or even drugstore.com.

One of the things it does is destroy cravings for alcohol. One time (after I completed out patient group therapy for alcoholics) I went to pickup a Chinese take-out order but had to wait a little while for it to be ready. The only place to wait was right in front of the bar. One with the most beautiful display of every spirit you can imagine. Yet as I sat, it was as if a clear windowpane of glass was there and those pretty bottles could not have any effect on me, I tell you guys, it was like magic.

It did make my dreams very vivid though, that was really weird for a while, but it was worth it.
 
I'm not what one consides a "classic" alcoholic. I can take drinking or leave it.

You may not be a classic alcoholic--but that line is one that is a classic of those of us who are alcoholics.

Drop by and AA office and ask some questions--they don't charge and they don't make any decisions for you.

Bob
 
I had to think about this. Partially because I didn't want to be an alcoholic, but mostly that I didn't want another Goddamn label stuck on me.

I truly do enjoy a drink, and when I drink with friends or family, I drink to enjoy the beverage and the company I'm keeping. I absolutely HATE being drunk. I don't enjoy it. But the fact is that I have strong cravings and a desire to drown the pain when I'm under stress.

Additionally, I engaged in emotional blackmail with one of the brothers and he called me on it. My intentions were good, but I guess we all know what the road to Hell is paved with. It hurt, but it opened my eyes that I'm probably an alcoholic. At the very least, I'm a problem drinker, whatever the Hell that means.

What to do?

Do I never have another drink again? Easy for me to do, actually. I didn't give into the cravings last night, and I enjoy DIet Pepsi over alcohol anyday. But I also enjoy Guinness occasionally. Do without that? Explain to others why? Hmmmm....

Do I continue to enjoy a drink, but by doing so engage in denial? I don't know.

I just don't want to be an alcoholic. I avoid drinking BECAUSE I'm afraid of becoming one. I don't want that label.

*sigh*

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Scot - only you know what your relationship is at this point -
- don't worry about labels - (easy to say)
but maybe worry about you?? and what works for you
and keeps you taking care of you the best way possible -
if you don't care about you - then you won't be able to be here for anybody else ---
seems an extreme statement - but that reminder
to do what actually serves ourselves
to protect and take care of ourselves -

actually i am thinking of mixing concepts here -

2 books i reccommend:the "road less traveled"
this is a great book -

I am also reading a twelve step book -

if you want to pm or chat let me know -

peace and hugs and i am here for you-

Mark
 
Scot,

Only you can decide about whether alcohol is a problem for you. But even if you decide it is, I don't think anyone here is going to slap a label on you, other than the one that says "Brother"!

Being the son of a RAGING alcoholic, it didn't do any good that I knew she was. She wasn't until she decided for herself she was one.

Marc
 
K, here goes a couple of my side thought on the whole thing.

Everybody is far too willing to label people alchoholics and blame the alchohol and genetics. Most anybody that I have ever known who has had a problem with alchohol was abusing it as a drug to numb themselves from pain caused by something else. Many of them, after confronting what they were trying to escape, have been fully capable of "normal drinking". Yes, I have also known full fledged problem alchoholics that are exactly textbook cases. Scot, you are walking a dangerous wire here. You could go either way.

Good luck my friend
:)
 
I dont have any perception of a label on me, I know that when I was in group, I didnt want to tell anyone that I was an alcoholic. But now, if I help someone out here at work or whatever, they sometimes ask me what I drink so they can pay me back, I just tell em Im a recovered alcoholic. Sometimes I do that for the shock value (they make great faces and think Im joking) but they always say they would never think that it would happen to me and usually it earns a kind of respect.

When I was inquiring about taking the University Police exam I was over talking to a few of the officers and I think we were talking about the physical portion of the exam when one of them said something to the effect of just make sure you dont drink the night before, that will kill you and without thinking about it I told them I was a recovered alcoholic and hadnt had a drink in four years. They thought that was pretty cool and they congratulated me.

Im not tooting my own horn or anything; my point is that I think the negative perception may be in our own heads.

I hope that helps.

PS if you have the chance, check out the movie 28 days with Sandra Bullock.
 
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