My piece
Hi everyone,
Ive been dealing with the pain brought on by sexual abuse for a long time, and right now, I just want to share my story and feelings. Ill keep it short for now, but just letting some of this out is an empowering exercise for me.
My abuse came when I was 12 and 13, not at the hands of an adult, but at the hands of a friend around my age, four months older than me. But it was a friend whom I had known since the age of 4, and whom I had grown to trust and even look up to in some ways. We had gone to pre-school together, his mother and my mother were close friends. I wanted to get married one day and have him be the best man at my wedding, yet at the same time, he was doing something to me that was making me depressed, and even suicidal.
The day came about a week before I started high school when I got the personal courage to tell my mother about it, and in turn make what was happening stop. Still, what happened hurts, a lot, to this day.
I am now 25, working a job that fulfills a boyhood dream. I have a supportive family, and close friends with whom I feel comfortable talking about personal issues. And a few years ago, I joined a mens group, which has been immensely helpful in pushing me toward getting at my issues.
Yet, beneath all that, the pain lingers on. I struggle with pain and confusion about how to define my sexual orientation whether I am interested in men or women seems to change with the day. But in reality, I avoid sexual encounters like the plague. I view all sex as a violent attack, even something as benign as kissing someone. Just this past weekend, I made out with a young lady I did not know, and while everyone else said they would have seen that experience as positive and exciting, I have been depressed and upset by it ever since it happened. A lot of times, I wish my sexuality would just disappear and never come back. I absolutely hate it. Because if Im involved, I cant get past the idea that if it's sexual, someone is being abused. The physical pleasure that may be involved just isnt worth the pain it all makes me feel.
Im not really asking for any specific feedback or anything right now; I just want to put what Im feeling into words. I feel a little better just having written this out.
As we say in mens group, with that, Im in.
Ive been dealing with the pain brought on by sexual abuse for a long time, and right now, I just want to share my story and feelings. Ill keep it short for now, but just letting some of this out is an empowering exercise for me.
My abuse came when I was 12 and 13, not at the hands of an adult, but at the hands of a friend around my age, four months older than me. But it was a friend whom I had known since the age of 4, and whom I had grown to trust and even look up to in some ways. We had gone to pre-school together, his mother and my mother were close friends. I wanted to get married one day and have him be the best man at my wedding, yet at the same time, he was doing something to me that was making me depressed, and even suicidal.
The day came about a week before I started high school when I got the personal courage to tell my mother about it, and in turn make what was happening stop. Still, what happened hurts, a lot, to this day.
I am now 25, working a job that fulfills a boyhood dream. I have a supportive family, and close friends with whom I feel comfortable talking about personal issues. And a few years ago, I joined a mens group, which has been immensely helpful in pushing me toward getting at my issues.
Yet, beneath all that, the pain lingers on. I struggle with pain and confusion about how to define my sexual orientation whether I am interested in men or women seems to change with the day. But in reality, I avoid sexual encounters like the plague. I view all sex as a violent attack, even something as benign as kissing someone. Just this past weekend, I made out with a young lady I did not know, and while everyone else said they would have seen that experience as positive and exciting, I have been depressed and upset by it ever since it happened. A lot of times, I wish my sexuality would just disappear and never come back. I absolutely hate it. Because if Im involved, I cant get past the idea that if it's sexual, someone is being abused. The physical pleasure that may be involved just isnt worth the pain it all makes me feel.
Im not really asking for any specific feedback or anything right now; I just want to put what Im feeling into words. I feel a little better just having written this out.
As we say in mens group, with that, Im in.
