My personal fortitude.

My personal fortitude.
T

thecoopstah

Being a little boy who was lost and all alone..i never had a place i could call home..my insides were torn,ripped and shred..i cried myself to sleep when i got into bed..truly believing i would'nt make it..hateing myself because i could'nt take it..always on guard afraid of tomorrow..i no longer cared because of the sorrow..most of the time i was very astute..it did'nt matter anymore that i was so cute..a child should be protected no matter what..he should'nt be shamed and keep his mouth shut..showing my emotions especially sadness..never existed because of the madness..there were days in my life i was very hurt..actually beleiving i was lower then dirt..looking for my mother sitting in my window..she could have cared less i was in limbo..the process of recovery is very painful..i'm very pleased i am not hateful..a product of the system in foster care..my life seem shattered and full of dispair..i was a child who needed your touch..then the day came when it was just to much..i'm a man of trauma who was'nt to blame..life back then was so full of shame..those days are gone i know it today..as long as i'm sober i'll be okay..my therapist kathy and god himself..i thank you so much for my mental health..i'm trying my best to finish this poem..therefore i guess i'll leave it alone.
 
Rich,

From my own experience I can so totally agree with the importance of staying sober. All the drinking and drugs I used to numb out when I was young never did me any good - they just lifted me up momentarily and then cut me loose to fall where I may.

I also like the way you stress that we don't have to be afraid anymore; the times of abuse as boys are past.

Finish the poem? Looks like the poem is your life. Let's see what the next chapters will contain.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry, Perhaps it's the alcoholic in me that wants more but i kind of wish i had more of a response to the poems i have shared.By no means am i saying you're not good enough because thats not the case at all.Youve been amazing in that encouraging me to post them has dramatically helped me in ways i could have never thought possible.You having gone through virtually the same thing as a kid really inspires me in that it lets me know I AM NOT ALONE dealing with the aftereffects of such a rotten(to put it mildly)childhood.It's just that i never know what to say on here or how to put it.Back in 2004 when the memories re-surfaced and shook my world to it's core i did in fact post a bunch of things(if you will)and how i thought and felt and actually if it was not for this web site and the support i received i know today i would have "offed myself" long ago.I hope you don't mind when i share with you certain parts of my life , i guess a part of me feels safe because i know for sure you have a very good idea as to what we went through as kids (myself)and i trust your judgement.I also know (myself included)is that we as survivors latch on to anyone who is willing enough t pay attention to us therefore i can push them away without even knowing it but not meaning to smother those of us who just don't understand.Stay in touch okay,i'd really like that.Because what you see in me on here is exactly who i am and not phony.Anyway take friend and i'll look forward to hearing from you soon.Rich "Coop" Cooper.
 
Rich,

That's a funny thing about posts: you never know which ones will catch the attention and imagination of others and which ones won't.

One time I did an elaborate post on a subject I thought was important, and I came back the next day to see what the reaction had been. Talk about crash and burn! lol But then another time someone put up a note to tell my mailbox was full, someone else started joking about it, I and others joined in, and that stupid thread ran on for weeks and got well over 70 comments! Go figure.

Also, remember that if a post doesn't attract many comments, that doesn't mean that guys haven't read it or appreciated it. They may just have nothing to say on the subject. In any case, and for whatever reason, poems often fall into this category. Many guys will read them and like them, but not have anything specific to say by way of comment.

Much love,
Larry
 
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