My Partner (spouse)
My Partner (spouse)
- Thread starterTom E.
- Start date
HealingHope
Registrant
Tome E. Good to see you, though the subjects here are not easy.
HealingHope moves me when she posts. It's like, wow, there's a partner! Sure, the territory has ups and downs, but the long term connection, exemplified by so many here. I've considered myself of that type too. But, as you know Tom, we have more than a few things going on in our minds. It's that, there really are partners who care to see it clearly, who care to help, really help? That dear HH, you know makes me cry. Just a fact, not pity, just a fact.
Tom, I think that when I realized I'm pretty alone with this, as with everything in my life up to certain few exceptions, I get a refresher about needing help, about connections, about what I have to do. So, my wife, my supposed partner, won't get it, won't even try. She's accepted it she says, but she isn't going beyond that. No, snuggling my pain away, no long talks to soothe me, not a thing. Rather it's the opposite! So, I'm here, posting as much as I can, while I can. This long run of daily interaction can't go on forever. I'll have to find a full time job eventually. It's probably June to August timeframe. That is if my health gets better.
It seems changes and adjustments just force themselves into life!
Tom, I can't know if posting or chatting here, or pm sharing to others here is working for you, it does for me. I need to have connections now, it's so powerful in me, and my fear is so great, to me, the effort can drain me. But I persist!
I so need others, I want to help, I want to be helped. And slowly a bit is getting in to me. I have a bullied torment that pushes so hard, torments me so badly, it's the all consuming tormentor! When the ptsd woke in me about the sexual trauma, I crashed inside. I hit the brick wall and my psyche went all over the place. Some epic shit storms went on in my thinking. I couldn't stop it. That phone call to the local Sexual Violence Center started to calm the storm a bit. That men's group helped more, and then some spark to fight kicked in. It's been on full display here at MS. ALL over MS.
Those bullies impacted me so much, my fear of rejection as the over sharing Ceremony, who wont STFU is still going on and on and on. Doesn't that guy ever just give it a rest?! Omg, I would wither and fade to oblivion!! I just don't know if any one gets that, really gets it? You know bullying, it just gets me to go, there it is, that word! That horrible thing that ruined my life. And it did, it has, it might continue to? The voices of derision, now my own, my own thoughts, triggered by bullies over 40 fucking years ago, 40 fucking years!!! Jaysus F'ing Christ, it's pathetic, riiight?! But, if I don't get validated, if it's rejected, like what is you f'ing problem, don't you ever just get over it?! Well, that will kill me! I cry so much, I get the bullied, I understand, and know what it's done to me. Couple it with ptsd that has made me have physical stress reactions to perceived threats, real or imagined, and I'm it's a miracle I'm alive. It really f'ing is!
So, I really care about this topic and have a lot of pent up energy to release. 40 f'ing years of suppressed harm. So, guys, if I get on your nerves, you can do far more to help me with validation than you can possibly know.
HealingHope moves me when she posts. It's like, wow, there's a partner! Sure, the territory has ups and downs, but the long term connection, exemplified by so many here. I've considered myself of that type too. But, as you know Tom, we have more than a few things going on in our minds. It's that, there really are partners who care to see it clearly, who care to help, really help? That dear HH, you know makes me cry. Just a fact, not pity, just a fact.
Tom, I think that when I realized I'm pretty alone with this, as with everything in my life up to certain few exceptions, I get a refresher about needing help, about connections, about what I have to do. So, my wife, my supposed partner, won't get it, won't even try. She's accepted it she says, but she isn't going beyond that. No, snuggling my pain away, no long talks to soothe me, not a thing. Rather it's the opposite! So, I'm here, posting as much as I can, while I can. This long run of daily interaction can't go on forever. I'll have to find a full time job eventually. It's probably June to August timeframe. That is if my health gets better.
It seems changes and adjustments just force themselves into life!
Tom, I can't know if posting or chatting here, or pm sharing to others here is working for you, it does for me. I need to have connections now, it's so powerful in me, and my fear is so great, to me, the effort can drain me. But I persist!
I so need others, I want to help, I want to be helped. And slowly a bit is getting in to me. I have a bullied torment that pushes so hard, torments me so badly, it's the all consuming tormentor! When the ptsd woke in me about the sexual trauma, I crashed inside. I hit the brick wall and my psyche went all over the place. Some epic shit storms went on in my thinking. I couldn't stop it. That phone call to the local Sexual Violence Center started to calm the storm a bit. That men's group helped more, and then some spark to fight kicked in. It's been on full display here at MS. ALL over MS.
Those bullies impacted me so much, my fear of rejection as the over sharing Ceremony, who wont STFU is still going on and on and on. Doesn't that guy ever just give it a rest?! Omg, I would wither and fade to oblivion!! I just don't know if any one gets that, really gets it? You know bullying, it just gets me to go, there it is, that word! That horrible thing that ruined my life. And it did, it has, it might continue to? The voices of derision, now my own, my own thoughts, triggered by bullies over 40 fucking years ago, 40 fucking years!!! Jaysus F'ing Christ, it's pathetic, riiight?! But, if I don't get validated, if it's rejected, like what is you f'ing problem, don't you ever just get over it?! Well, that will kill me! I cry so much, I get the bullied, I understand, and know what it's done to me. Couple it with ptsd that has made me have physical stress reactions to perceived threats, real or imagined, and I'm it's a miracle I'm alive. It really f'ing is!
So, I really care about this topic and have a lot of pent up energy to release. 40 f'ing years of suppressed harm. So, guys, if I get on your nerves, you can do far more to help me with validation than you can possibly know.
greenwizard
Registrant
I think it's really hard to completely get something you haven't experienced. What has worked for me is communication to the best of my ability. It helps that I have a partner who happily listens and wants to help me in any way she can. I hope your partner will do the same if you reach out and really try to explain.
HealingHope
Registrant
Hi Ceremony,
I hope you know that your horrible experiences & posts here are read & helps me & others to know we can survive this b.s. past of living hell. We don't have to die or give up with out fighting back now --- finally, WE have a say! This is our giant F.U. to the perpetrators of our pasts & any out there now. I hope you can feel this relief too!
your brother in hope
Tom E
I hope you know that your horrible experiences & posts here are read & helps me & others to know we can survive this b.s. past of living hell. We don't have to die or give up with out fighting back now --- finally, WE have a say! This is our giant F.U. to the perpetrators of our pasts & any out there now. I hope you can feel this relief too!
your brother in hope
Tom E
dark empathy
Registrant
Hi Tommy.
One thing I will say is that there are different levels of "getting it"
A person can understand that something bad has happened but not all of the impact, not without a lot of discussion and explanation and even experiments.
My lady knew when we got together that I'd experienced sa as a teenager, but there are things she wasn't aware of, heck there were things I! wasn't aware of since when we got together I was extremely genophobic (afraid of s/x), and! a virgin (if you don't count the abuse), and many things came up as we ran into them.
In a way while genophobia is certainly far from fun at least it meant all my discomfort was on the surface and was related to things we could discuss, and there are still! consequences which she probably sees more than I do, eg, my habbit of chronic apologising.
The good thing is though, the more time you spend with someone, the more you discuss something, the more you deal with it the more the other person can start to get it. Indeed with my lady we're now at the point when I can discuss my abuse almost casually, or at least I don't feel it's a special subject or something I need to tip toe around with her, it's just another part of my history, albeit still a really unpleasant one.
So even if your partner doesn't "get it" , now, that is no guarantee he won't in the future, or that you and he can't understand it more as time goes on and you complete your own journey.
Luke.
One thing I will say is that there are different levels of "getting it"
A person can understand that something bad has happened but not all of the impact, not without a lot of discussion and explanation and even experiments.
My lady knew when we got together that I'd experienced sa as a teenager, but there are things she wasn't aware of, heck there were things I! wasn't aware of since when we got together I was extremely genophobic (afraid of s/x), and! a virgin (if you don't count the abuse), and many things came up as we ran into them.
In a way while genophobia is certainly far from fun at least it meant all my discomfort was on the surface and was related to things we could discuss, and there are still! consequences which she probably sees more than I do, eg, my habbit of chronic apologising.
The good thing is though, the more time you spend with someone, the more you discuss something, the more you deal with it the more the other person can start to get it. Indeed with my lady we're now at the point when I can discuss my abuse almost casually, or at least I don't feel it's a special subject or something I need to tip toe around with her, it's just another part of my history, albeit still a really unpleasant one.
So even if your partner doesn't "get it" , now, that is no guarantee he won't in the future, or that you and he can't understand it more as time goes on and you complete your own journey.
Luke.
svssurvivor
Registrant
Good to read this Ceremony - I felt like I was alone feeling this
WontGiveUp
Registrant
Hi Tom,
Like HH, I can relate to this. When my husband told me, it was shocking to the core, and the hurt and anger I felt about it changed me in ways that are very hard to express. The rage I felt literally scared me. And all I could think was if this is how *I* feel, how on earth does HE feel....
I dont think that anyone gets it unless they go through something similar. I am also a survivor (teenage rape), but it was also a very different circumstance from what my husband went through. I can have empathy, and I can try to see things from his perspective - try to get it in a way, but I never will truly.
It does help to come here, and to learn about the other amazing men here, who are open about their own experiences and their own thoughts. It helps people like me, other partners understand better.. even if we never truly get it.
I think that if you are open with your partner, and give them an opportunity to understand from your perspective, things have a much better chance at working between you, because having an understanding of how your partner (both of you) sees things will only help each of you. I wish my husband viewed me as someone he could rest with, trust and have faith enough to share his life with me. But he doesnt, and I have to say its one of the biggest hurts of my life because I so want to understand, and be there for him, to be the one he feels safe with.
Like Luke says, they may not get it now, but maybe they can get closer to understanding more if you keep communication open?
Thankyou for sharing Tom - I hope it gave you some comfort. It certainly has for me.
I hope that you are able to find a way to relate to your partner more so that both of you can "get" eachother.
Like HH, I can relate to this. When my husband told me, it was shocking to the core, and the hurt and anger I felt about it changed me in ways that are very hard to express. The rage I felt literally scared me. And all I could think was if this is how *I* feel, how on earth does HE feel....
I dont think that anyone gets it unless they go through something similar. I am also a survivor (teenage rape), but it was also a very different circumstance from what my husband went through. I can have empathy, and I can try to see things from his perspective - try to get it in a way, but I never will truly.
It does help to come here, and to learn about the other amazing men here, who are open about their own experiences and their own thoughts. It helps people like me, other partners understand better.. even if we never truly get it.
I think that if you are open with your partner, and give them an opportunity to understand from your perspective, things have a much better chance at working between you, because having an understanding of how your partner (both of you) sees things will only help each of you. I wish my husband viewed me as someone he could rest with, trust and have faith enough to share his life with me. But he doesnt, and I have to say its one of the biggest hurts of my life because I so want to understand, and be there for him, to be the one he feels safe with.
Like Luke says, they may not get it now, but maybe they can get closer to understanding more if you keep communication open?
Thankyou for sharing Tom - I hope it gave you some comfort. It certainly has for me.
I hope that you are able to find a way to relate to your partner more so that both of you can "get" eachother. WontGiveUp
Registrant
Luke - you and your amazing lady are such an inspiration to me. I always envision you two as a charming prince and princess. I know its silly right? :-D But seriously - watching you overcome what you have, and finding her, and watching your journey to each other unfold was a wonderful, wonderful thing in my life.
didnt mean to hijack - but wanted to throw that in there for a reason... when you are open and sharing and allow your partner to be there for you, they can get it in a different way like Luke says. And now - they never will truly get it the way you do. But that doesnt mean they cannot be there for you, support you and love you. If you hold out for someone getting it completely in the same way you do - you will always be waiting. No one - can EVER fully get it, no one will every fully "get" me either. I think the thing we need to look for is someone willing to try, and willing to love you even when they dont get it. Because frankly you deserve it.
didnt mean to hijack - but wanted to throw that in there for a reason... when you are open and sharing and allow your partner to be there for you, they can get it in a different way like Luke says. And now - they never will truly get it the way you do. But that doesnt mean they cannot be there for you, support you and love you. If you hold out for someone getting it completely in the same way you do - you will always be waiting. No one - can EVER fully get it, no one will every fully "get" me either. I think the thing we need to look for is someone willing to try, and willing to love you even when they dont get it.
Because frankly you deserve it.
