my parents and their friend

my parents and their friend
O

onlyakid

I repair computers for a living, I work in a small service/retail store full time and live at home in the basement paying my mom $300 a month to live here (including utilities). Anyway, my mom and my stepfather got friendly with the contractor they hired. Being that I work on PCs for a living whenever this guys PC breaks he calls me and my parents have implied that I must help him out because he's a friend of the family.

He insisted on paying me, but thats not the point. I don't want to do it. I go to work 6 days a week, and the 7th I have responsiblities such as my laundry and going to the store.

I want time for me and I don't want to be forced by my parents to work for him.


Jason
 
Jason,

Part of what happens to an abused boy is he learns that what HE needs and wants isn't important. He learns that it is dangerous or useless to state what he needs, or to stand up for what he thinks is best for him.

So for an adult survivor that childhood damage is part of what has to be repaired. If it feels difficult to stand up for yourself it isn't because you are weak or cowardly, it's because of when abuse taught you as a boy.

Sure, if you work 6 days a week then absolutely you need time off on your one free day. But even if you were only working 2 days a week, or no days a week, it would still be up to you to decide who you work for. Sure, doing favors is a nice idea, but it's no good if you allow your parents to pressure you like this.

At the end of the day it's the principle that counts. It's important that you learn to identify what is best for you and then DO those things. We all have to learn the difference between an urgent plea for help, a request for a favor, and an outright imposition.

You don't have to be rude about this at all. All you have to say is that you have other plans for your one day off, and since the friend would be paying anyway, perhaps he would get better service from a shop.

Much love,
Larry
 
Jason,

I think your folks are trying to play a trump card on you that is totally unfair of them to do. It is a major boundary violation for them to even consider such a demand, regardless if you are "renting" from them or not.

One of the hardest things for us a survivors to do is to learn to set appropriate boundaries, principally because ours were so badly wrecked as children.

Larry has what I believe to be a great suggestion for you. I hope you are able to settle this problem in a way that leaves you feeling confident in your abilities to face future issues that are guaranteed to arise simply because we are still "alive and kicking".

Lots of love,

John
 
Thanks for your suggestions but I'm pretty backed into a corner now. I've helped him out several times before so stopping is going to be worse then if I never said yes. This is a lot like the abuse, I never said no, I went along with it but only because I had to.
 
Jason,

You're right, it's a LOT like the abuse; you are being manipulated and used by those who think they have power over you. And what makes this especially annoying is that - or so I conclude from your latest post - this has already happened several times in the past.

I don't agree that you are backed into a corner from which you can't escape. It would be perfectly reasonable to say, for example, "Not this Sunday, I have other plans", and then refuse to commit to the next Sunday as well, saying you don't know if you will have time. If your parents act horrified and protest, then you can tell them that you don't agree to give up the little free time you have per week to accommodate their friend's PC needs. You want to make other plans, relax, or just not have continual commitments like this.

The real truth here, Jason, is that this will stop if you make it stop. Sorry if this sounds harsh, and I know it's not my business. I just say this because this kind of thing is a BIG problem for survivors. It's such a challenge to relearn how to say no, stand our ground, and claim the right to do what's best for US for once.

Much love,
Larry
 
Jason - my PC rarely breaks down (tempting fate here). Is there more to the story?

I wish I had more free time, but that is also a strange thing! I have been made redundant 3 times when companies have folded, giving me free time. I now work in a company that just seems to be more demanding every day, with little free time.. our product is in great demand! Peace ....Rest...?

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Originally posted by RICK57:
Jason - my PC rarely breaks down (tempting fate here). Is there more to the story?
Click to expand...
Well he doesn't know anything about PCs and he has 3 kids so his does. Its not like its every weekend. But I work hard and I need my rest to recoup.
 
Jason - I know about the working hard side of things! Have a rest...pull the pillows over your head and pretend you're asleep.

If that doesn't work, play some Motorhead at full volume. You won't get much sleep, but you won't hear anyone else either!

Stay strong..... best wishes ...Rik
 
Jason,

But I work hard and I need my rest to recoup.
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I'm sure you do. But the hard truth is that only YOU can ensure that you get and KEEP this opportunity to rest, or to do whatever else it is you want on your day off.

Much love,
Larry
 
Originally posted by RICK57:

If that doesn't work, play some Motorhead at full volume. You won't get much sleep, but you won't hear anyone else either!
Click to expand...
Well I've got nothing to lose..except my hearing :D
 
An update on my situation. I called him back and left a message for him to call me back, yesterday evening around 8:45 or so. I haven't heard from him and I have my fingers crossed that I won't. I hope he fixed his own problem.
 
If saying no isn't an option for you right now, then take charge of the scheduling and tell him when you are available. Take small steps towards being assertive until it feels safe for you.
 
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